Title: Inside My Coffin
Disclaimer: Slash. Suicide. Angst. Language.
POV: Nick
Chapter Two: Sounds of Silence
Back at the lab. The hustle and bustle of trying to solve a case. The noise doesn't bother me. I'm too used to it. I can block it out. Turn it into background noise. I build a wall around myself, blocking everything out. A wall of solid steel. Block out the world. The memories of earlier. Being trapped in the basement with the dirt floor. In the dark. The panic begins to creep into my chest again. Squeaky shows break through my barrier and chase away the memories. The panic flees with them. I sigh.
"You look a little tired, Nicky," Warrick says placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Thanks, Warrick," I reply dryly.
If only he knew. I am at a place beyond tired. The dreams of my sleep haunt me during the day. My nightmares refuse to stay in the night where they belong. Instead they follow me around on little wings and disrupt my every thought, my every move. What I won't give for a night of peace and quiet. A night of nothing but uninterrupted sleep. Lying in the dark. Quiet…
"Nick? Are you okay?"
Grissom forces the darkness to recede. I look to my side. Warrick is gone. I don't remember him departing though. Grissom now stands in his place and his face is filled with worry. Somewhere deep inside I feel like laughing. How can Grissom get off asking me if I'm okay? He's never been okay. Not in my eyes. He ignores falling in love with Sara so that he can spend more time with his damn bugs. If that's what it means to be "okay", than count me out.
"I'm fine," I answer. "Why do you ask?"
"You look a little pale, and you did lose your lunch all over the front yard of our crime scene," he remarks.
Never let me forget it. Put yourself in my shoes Gil. How would you have dealt with being buried alive? Would you relish it? Would you be able to return to life as though it never happened? I avoid looking into his eyes. Facing Grissom is hard for me now. Every single time I look at him I think about his passion for bugs. Thinking of bugs leads me right back down into my grave. All those ants. I shudder.
"I'm sorry, Grissom. I really am," I apologize.
"Nick, I'm not worried about the crime scene and any evidence that may have been disrupted. I'm only worried about you. I need to know if you are sincerely okay."
I blink a few times. Did I hear him right? Grissom is not worried about evidence? I look at him long and hard. He appears normal. The same ole Griss. "Yes, I'm fine. Maybe just a little tired."
"It's been a long night, why don't you go home? Your shift is almost up anyway."
"Thanks, Griss, but I think I can wait until shift is over."
He shrugs and studies me again before moving on to wherever. I turn my back on him to head in the opposite direction. My arms are folded across my chest. People pass by me as though I'm not even here. That's fine with me. Sometimes it's better to not be seen. I don't think I can handle another person asking me about my mental health. Just the thought of it makes me want to pull out my hair. A glance at my watch gives 'way the secret of time. Another hour and work will be over. I'll be able to go home and lay in bed like a sleepless zombie.
"Nick, I have something for you," Greg says as he slaps me on the back. It takes all the energy left inside of me not to jump out of my skin.
I turn to look at the bed-head young man. Greg had been more fun and more frat-boyish as the lab technician. Since falling into the field his attitude has mellowed. A person can only take so many dead bodies until it begins to affect the mind. There are still those days, rare as they may be, that he acts like his former self. That's the part of Greg I always liked. The part of him that I miss.
"Really? What is it?" I ask. Curiosity always gets the best of me.
He waves a Playstation 2 game in front of my face. "I finally got my hands on Tekken 5. Want to play later today? I'll kick your butt."
Despite my mood I actually laugh. "Greg, you could never kick my ass. I'll see you around noon. And by the time work roles around again, I'll own you."
He grins from ear to ear. "Only in your dreams, Nicky."
I smile and shake my head. Greg quickly disappears into the locker room as Grissom rounds the corner. Beside him is Catherine. They walk step for step discussing something written on a piece of paper. Sara looks up from the lab table where she sits. I can see the pain in her eyes. The longing for Grissom to notice her. Maybe I'll sit down with her and have a chat. She needs to find a way to let him go. He'll never look at her that way. If almost losing me didn't make him look at life differently, nothing ever will.
At the end of the hallway Brass is trying to push away press members. How did they gain access to the lab? Back-up quickly swarms around the journalists to force them out the exit. Greedy bastards. They force themselves into everything. Brass looks my way. I catch the look in his eyes, even from the distance. He's deeply troubled. I know that feeling. The feeling of emptiness. A feeling that you could have prevented the out come of the murder. Neither one of us could have known though.
I look at my watch again. Only tens minutes has passed. I look back over my shoulder. Everyone is busy being part of this world and its life. I feel as though I am nothing more than an intruder. Turning to the locker room I grab my jacket and decide to take Grissom's offer. I'm leaving early. No one will notice that I've disappeared. Anyway, I need the extra time to get to sleep. Greg is expecting me to play games with him before work. The thought makes me smile softly as I walk to my car.
On the drive home I keep the radio off. I'm not in the mood to listen to music about love or murder, depending on the genre. Never will I listen to the news stations. They just remind me of the horrors in this world. Horrors that I face every day of my life. A part of me wishes to return home and to locate a new job. But going home holds just as much pain for me. The memories there aren't any better.
My place is dark even though the sun is breaking over the horizon. I flick on the lights. The thought of being incased in a silent tomb of darkness sets my nerves on edge. I leave the lights on as I make my way to my bedroom. A glance toward the bathroom. I shake my head. I'll shower when I get up. I just want to hit the bed and try to sleep. Maybe some night I'll sleep deep enough that the dreams won't be able to seep in. Like a robot I disrobe and throw the clothes near the hamper. At some point I think I should do my laundry.
With a heavy heart I climb under the covers. The lights in the other rooms pour into my bedroom, keeping it from being dark. I close my eyes in the attempt of sleeping. My body relaxes but my mind keeps running at full throttle. Another night of pain. Another day without comfort.