Title: Inside My Coffin

Disclaimer: Slash. Suicide. Angst. Language.

POV: Nick

Chapter Seven: Who Are You?

Back home in the silence. I recline on my couch. The day having taken a lot out of me. My eyes are closed. My shoes are off, my socks on. I wait for the grip of sleep to take over. The nightmares will be waiting to torment me again. Right now, I don't care. I just want to release myself from the world. Let the hours fly by while I'm lost in something resembling sleep. I feel myself drifting off in the arms of the Sandman.

A knock at my door scares the silence away. Not expecting it I'm not surprised that I fall off the couch. I smack my elbow on the coffee table. Note to self, never try sleeping on the couch again. Rubbing the painful spot I cross the room to answer the door. Sara gives me a bright smile, holding up a white bag and one of those fast food drink holders with two coffees.

"Well, this is a surprise," I remark.

"Thought you would like some company. You looked lost when you left the lab two hours ago," she explains. "Maybe there's something you want to talk about."

A few things come to mind. Catherine's lack of sense to spend time with her daughter. Her own desire to be noticed by Grissom. Everything about Greg. "Sure, why the hell not, every needs to talk now and again."

Her smile is almost enough to lift my spirits. Almost. I know the smile that I want to see. The person that I want to bring me coffee. I shake my head. I can't let the thoughts rule my world. A friend is here to help. If only she knew everything that is hidden away inside of me. With a halfhearted glance outside I close the door. Sara is perched on the sofa. Studying me.

"What?" I ask.

"Your knuckles are bloodied. When did that happen?"

I shrug. "Oh, I'm not sure. Probably at the airplane scene. There was a lot of commotion and metal. Anything could have caused it," I lie.

"Very true. What about the cut on your arm?" She asks as she sips her coffee.

"Do you know how you get every little cut and bruise? We're investigators. I don't know when I picked it up."

She frowns. "You're lying to me. There's something you're keeping from me and that hurts."

I sit on the couch beside her. "We've never exactly been the best of friends, Sara."

A few seconds pass before she answers me. "I always thought we were friends, Nick." Her voice is soft with a hint of sadness.

I bit my lip. She goes out of her way to bring me coffee and donuts. Here I am, being an ass. I could just tell her what happened. Would that be fair to Greg, though? Shouldn't he have a say in who knows about…? The look he gave me in the locker room flashes in my mind. Followed by him flirting with the new lab tech. If he wants to move on, so be it.

"Alright," I sigh. "There is something I'm not telling you. Mainly because I haven't told anyone else. The reactions they would have are a worry to me. And I don't know how I feel about things myself."

Her hand is warm on my knee. "It's okay, Nicky. I'm here to listen. That's what friends do."

"I…I slept with someone from the lab." The words just rush out of my like hot air out of a balloon. I look at Sara.

She shrugs. "So, what's so problematic with that? Grissom has this whole thing against office romance but it happens. I wouldn't worry about this too much." In a Sara kind of way she pulls her sugar donut apart, leaving little white crumbs all over her napkin.

"It was Greg."

The donut falls on the napkin in pieces. Slowly she turns her gaze back to me. "You slept with Greg?" Her voice sounds hollow.

"Yes," I almost whisper.

She shakes her head. "No. No, no, no. You can't."

"What?" Where does she get the right to tell me what I can and can not do?

The reaction of the news in her eyes bothers me. I wish I could take the words back. Why did I tell her? Maybe I should forget about the whole incident. I never slept with Greg. That day doesn't exist. I lay my head against the back of the couch with my eyes closed. If that day never happened then why do I want him so much right now?

I feel the caress of Sara's hand on my thigh. "I didn't mean it like that, Nicky. You can sleep with whoever you want. But this worries me."

"Worries you?"

"If Ecklie finds out you'll lose your job." Her hand hasn't stopped it's soothing motion. It's beginning to make me uncomfortable. For some reason I feel like I'm cheating on Greg.

"He can't fire me because I slept with Greg twice. It hasn't affected my work. And it won't be happening again." The last sentence cuts through the air like a sharp knife.

Her hand stops. "What are you talking about?"

I give her a recount of my day. Leaving out the breakdown that I had in the locker room. She polishes off her donut while thinking over the words. Without saying a word she picks up her mess and readies to leave. She stops by the door and studies me, sitting on the couch.

"Nick, you need to talk to Greg about this. I can't really help. You have my deepest promise that I won't tell anyone, not even Greg, the things that you've told me. Talk with him," she opens the door. "Oh, and Nicky, you are going to be at the party tomorrow, aren't you? I think it will do you some good to go."

I nod. "Sure, I'll be there."

She wishes me a sweet goodbye and leaves. I must admit that I feel more confused than before. Talking with Sara hasn't really helped me any. However, having her here, touching me has reconfirmed that somewhere deep inside of me I only want Greg. I toy with the idea of calling him. I'll see him tonight at work and there's the party. That retirement party for one of the other lab techs. Maybe I won't go to work. Or the party. Maybe I'll just stay home and sleep away the daylight hours. Waste away the night.

A soft knock on the door breaks the silence. "Come in," I call. Why get up?

Greg opens the door. "Nicky," he smiles. "We need to talk."

Funny, didn't Sara and I do that? We did and it hasn't helped. I fight the urge to tell him to get lost. I don't want to see him anymore. Yet, at the same time, I want to have him near. I want to touch him.

"Okay, let's talk."

XO

I wake two hours before needing to go to work. The sun is slowly creeping its way toward the horizon. My stomach growls with the need for nourishment. I roll over onto my back and I'm promptly greeted by the starkly bare ceiling.

"It's about time you got up," Greg says. He walks out of the bathroom dressed in only his boxers and sits on the bed.

"I was up earlier," I mumble.

Greg actually giggles. "You know that's not what I meant. There's only two hours until work. Shouldn't you be getting ready?"

I look at him. "I could say the same to you."

"Ah, you know you like me dressed this way." His smiles grow larger.

I can't help but smile back. "A lot can happen in two hours."

I pull him close to me. The kiss we share is passionate, hot, and filled with desire. I do my best to chase away the thoughts in my mind. Why am I doing this with Greg? Was I not mad at him earlier for flirting with someone else? Why haven't we talked about it? As things heat up between us again I feel confusion banging as its cage, ready to be let out. Why do I feel lost wrapped in the arms of Greg?