Title: Inside My Coffin

Disclaimer: Slash. Suicide. Angst. Language.

POV: Nick

Chapter Fourteen: Unbearable

The lights flicker like a strand of twinkling Christmas lights. A cool breeze passes through the house. I tug on the cuffs of my long sleeved shirt. The breeze feels refresh on my sweaty skin. Tonight is unusually warm making my choice of clothing almost unbearable. The long sleeves of the black shirt cover up the bandages on my wrist. Hiding the white reminders creates a false sense of normalcy. The lights flicker again casting shadows that last merely seconds.

"Damn, if this storm keeps up we'll lose electricity," Warrick says.

He's down on one knee taking photographs of bloody footprints on the light blue carpet. I stand at the edge of the room feeling a great does of unease. The dark skinned CSI puts his camera down to pluck something from the carpet with a pair of shiny tweezers. I look away from my former best friend. Things between us are different. I know that it's not him, that it is in fact me. Warrick tries to act like nothing has changed. He jokes around with me while at the same time avoiding to mention Greg.

Grissom walks slowly down the hallway of the house with his eyes trained on the carpet. I watch the older man as he does what he loves best. The only reason I'm at this scene tonight is because of him. He fought tooth and nail with Ecklie to let me come. Ecklie suggested removing me from my position in the lab, maybe even permanently. Grissom managed to convince him that it would not be in his best interest to fire me. Some comment about helping my mental state. Why Ecklie cares about my mental state is a mystery to me.

Now, here I stand, watching the others do what they get paid to do. Ecklie demanded that I be under Grissom's watchful eye. If I fucked up, Grissom fucked up. However, no one is going to fuck up. Ecklie made sure of that. I'm not allowed to touch or help process a crime scene in any way. Instead I'm supposed to stand by and watch on the sidelines. I still have a job but not the job I'm used to. Standing here being the observer is annoying. Grissom assures me that in the long run it will be helpful. I'll learn to notice things quicker. All I've noticed is the rhythm of the rain on the roof.

Greg walks up Warrick and they start talking in hushed voices. Things between them haven't changed at all. It's almost though Greg and I never slept together. If possible, Warrick and Greg seem closer. I feel the jealousy inside trying to claw its way out. I shift my position to distract my mind from the picture of Greg's naked body. He throws a glance my way before leaving the room. Warrick returns to working the living room.

I know that I'm supposed to stay within view of Grissom but I follow after Greg. He's become an addiction. My skin aches to feel the touch of him. My body longs to be next to his. I find him in the two-car garage. His back is to me. I study him. He bends down to get a closer look at something. I watch as his jeans hug his lower half like a second skin. I feel myself getting aroused. Before he can turn around to find me watching him I make a beeline for the door.

The rain outside soaks me with its cold touch. I feel the heat leave my body. Grissom steps out the front door behind me. He stays under the protection of the covered porch while watching me.

"Something out here catch your attention, Nick?" He calls. The thunder in the distance nearly drowns out the sound of his voice.

"I can't be near him. Not like this." I don't turn to look at him. I enjoy the feeling of the rain. My desire to jump Greg isn't fading.

"Now you know why I don't exactly support office romances. I don't know what to do about this, Nicky." He gestures for me to come up onto the porch. "You're soaked and your immune system is weak, get up here out of the rain."

I step up beside him. "I'm not going back into the house, Griss. Not while he's there."

He sighs. Fishing the keys to the Tahoe out of his pocket he hands them to me. "Take the SUV back to the lab. Get changed and go home. That's all I can offer you. Ecklie is watching you."

"I don't want to go back to the lab."

"Then you have to stay here. With Greg," he points out.

I follow him back into the house. Warrick has moved on from the living room. Greg is visible in the kitchen. I look down at the tile floor. Grissom won't want me to walk all over the crime scene dripping water. I plant myself firmly in the doorway. Grissom disappears up the staircase to locate Warrick. Greg wanders into the living room and notices me.

"Impromptu shower?"

I turn my back on him. It's rude to do but I don't want to talk to him. Not here. Not now. We need to actually hash out our problems. A good old fashion fight might be just what we need. He grabs my wrist.

"Nick-"

I don't want him to touch me. Not like this. "Don't touch me, Greg. Not here and not now."

He leans in close. I can smell his shampoo. The laundry detergent he uses. Even the soap he uses in the shower. I feel myself spiraling out of control. I want to hold him close again. To say his name in the heat of the moment. Forget that Warrick and Grissom are here. Is it wrong of me to want to bare his flesh right here and now? I want to make him sweat. To make his heart race.

Instead I step back. Greg lets go of me and walks away. But not before I see the hurt in his eyes. Grissom takes his time descending the stairs. How much of that did he see? He stops at the bottom.

"I'm going to say this now. I disagree with office romance. But I can't have two of my detectives working like this. If you and Greg don't deal with this I don't know what I'm going to do."

I put my hand out. "Can I have the keys to the Tahoe now? I feel like going back to the lab."

He drops the keys into my open hand with a sigh. He's disappointed and I don't care. The rain is still falling outside. If I had any dry spots before I definitely don't have any left by the time I reach the SUV. I drive off into the darkness of the night.

A knock on the window scares me half to death. I open my eyes and I'm instantly confused. It takes me a few seconds to figure out that I'm still sitting in the Tahoe. I rub my eyes before peering out the driver's window. Grissom glares back at me. He pops open the door. The cool night air rushes in. The rain has stopped for now. I step out of the car not ready to face Grissom's questions.

"What the hell are you doing, Nicky? Sleeping in a car in Las Vegas isn't exactly the best idea. You should know that better than anyone," he says.

"I'm sorry, Griss. I stopped to relax my mind. I didn't plan on falling asleep. You have to believe me," I explain. "How did you find me anyway?" Last time I saw him he was working a crime scene.

"Brass found you. He notified me of your resting place. With Ecklie watching us both like a hawk I figured I'd come see what was going on. I'm very pleased that Brass called me without reporting this. He's risking his job you know," he replies.

"I'm sorry. I'll head right home," I apologize.

"I know you will. Brass is going to take you home while I drive the Tahoe back to my crime scene."

Without another word my boss climbed into the company vehicle and drove away. Brass stands beside his unmarked patrol car. He's watching me with questioning eyes. I'm tired of people studying me like a freak in some circus show. Big deal, so I've changed. They wouldn't be the same after being buried alive. No one would. I climb into the patrol car doing my best to ignore the older man. The ride to my place is quiet and uncomfortable. Brass never once tries to make small talk which is unlike him. Things have changed. Everyone has been treating me differently since finding out about Greg. Sara and Grissom are the only real exceptions. I can only imagine how Greg feels. He doesn't talk to me.

Brass pulls up in front of my place. In a childish manner I get out, slam the door and storm to the front door. Why is my life so fucked up?