Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)

Chapter Two:

Sad Lives

A post Third Impact world wasn't a happy place at all…

The rain was falling so fast that it was hard to see in front of you, the ground was so muddy that you probably wouldn't be able to walk without slipping, and the sky was just a foggy mix of gray.

Shinji wouldn't be one to complain about any of that as he half fell out of his broken entry plug. Somehow, the entry plug was ejected and he had no idea how he survived the crash but he was really starting to regret he did.

The pilot limped from the entry plug without a clear destination in mind. He had no idea where Unit 01 was and, from the looks of it, he was clearly in the middle of nowhere.

In every direction, all he could see was rain. It was almost too dark to even see a few feet in front of him thanks to the downpour. He could see a bolt of lightning on the horizon and the booming sound of thunder came afterwards… Shinji wasn't scared of storms at all but the light from the lightning verified that he had no idea where he was.

It took another bolt of him to see thedark redspots on his school shirt. It was then that he suddenly remembered that he couldn't see out his eye and, worse, the pain in his chest started to return.

Without doubt, most of these injuries were substained from the crash but this pain in his chest was from the lance that stabbed the Evangelion but Unit 01 healed afterwards. Why did it hurt him so bad?

Falling to the muddy ground with a splash, Shinji was quick to discover that he couldn't get back up. Although it hurt to move, he managed to push himself off the ground just enough to twist around and land in the mud on his back.

The downpour was relentless and the cold rain was unforgiving. As his clothes were drenched, he tried to piece together what happened…

Even if the chain of events were hard to recall, at least one thing was clear.

He killed Rei.

By extension, it was a chance that he killed everyone.

In his bitterness at the thought, Shinji found himself chuckling at the fact. Perhaps he was beginning to go crazy but it was just so ironic that he was the one who wanted to die yet was now probably the last person alive but he could at least find comfort knowing that he wouldn't be living that long thanks to his condition.

The brief laugh died down within seconds and his thoughts again drifted back to the people who tried so hard to help him…

Everyone did their best while he only did what was required of him. If he had lived up to their expectations maybe it wouldn't be like this… Maybe Touji wouldn't have died. It was a chance that Asuka wouldn't have lapsed into a coma. If things were different then maybe he wouldn't know Rei's secret…

So many things he could have done differently but it's all in the past. It was too late to try and be better now that he ruined the whole world with his own hands.

Not only did he probably destroy the world but he also ruined the lives of people who honestly wanted to live, who really deserved to see another day.

It was certainly a little girl out there who was waiting on her birthday presents, a young man practicing to get better at his favorite sport, and a mother looking at a list of names for her kid… He took those things from them for perfectly no reason and he had no way to make it up to them at all.

The burden he carried was dropped. The people he was supposed to protect instead became his victims. Maybe this was what he deserved…

After all, he did kill the only people he could really consider friends.

Misato? Took a bullet for him but he could only drag her so far before she died…

Asuka? He was too feeling sorry for himself to realize what the Mass Production series could do to her and ultimately did do to her.

Rei?

Murdered because he was scared to be accepted… Too afraid to be taken in.

Shinji blinked the water out of his eye but the only thing he could see besides the falling rain was the dark storm clouds above. Turning his head to the side, he managed to catch the site of his broken entry plug in its entirety thanks to the lighting.

However, what he was looking at was not the entry plug.

His vision was finally fading but he still had the sense of mind to realize that the figure moving closer to him was that of a person. Still, he could barely see in front of him now but he had the satisfaction to know that it was no way he would survive.

As the pilot slipped off into unconsciousness, the shadowy figure kneeled over and leaned over the boy with a concerned expression.

0

The jingle of a wind chime could at times be annoying but, right now, it was just strangely out of place. Something that sounded so soft and friendly stood in a violent contrast of a setting thatseemed so bleak and forlorn.

Regardless, it was that sound that woke Shinji up.

Blinking, the brown haired boy took in a breath and fought to get up. It didn't take long for him to realize that he was in a house, a bedroom to be exact. Sitting up in the bed, he looked around the room and found that it looked like a typical room.

The wooden floor was certainly old but the only reason he could tell was because the person who cleaned missed a spot or two and the light blue wallpaper had seen better days. Despite that, the room was in fairly good condition and the furniture was cleaned well.

The flame atop the candle flickered and Shinji eyes scanned the rest of the room. Children's toys were neatly stacked in the corner and Shinji fell out of his housebroken state of mind.

More than anyone, he knew that those toys would never be played with again… and it was completely his fault. Having such a blatant example of his failure in his direct line of sight, moved him enough to try and leave the room.

Pulling back the sheets reviled another surprised though…

His bloody shirt was replaced with bandages that were wrapped tightly around his frame. Even though there were some red spots, it was easy to tell that there were changed recently.

Taking his time to get out of the bed, Shinji opted to search the house and find the person who treated him. Slipping on his shoes that were placed next to the bed and putting on the pants and tee shirt that were neatly folded up in the chair, Shinji took a step and the floor creaked. Deciding that he did indeed make the right choice in being careful, he slowly made his way across the room and twisted the knob on the door.

The pilot poked his head out into the hall and looked down the dark hallway. In a way, it was scary to not know where you were and who treated you but, in wanting to know, Shinji overlooked the fear of the situation and took a step out of the room.

Using the wall for support, he slowly made his way down the hall and listened for any signs of life. Peeking into the two rooms he passed by, Shinji noticed that one was the bathroom while the other was a bedroom smaller than the one he was in. He walked down the hall and stepped into the kitchen.

Unlike the mostof the house, the kitchen was spotless. Virtually untouched by the disaster outside, the kitchen would have seemed perfect if the lights were on. Thankfully, the various candles provided all the light he needed to get around.

"Maybe…" Shinji coughed to clear his throat, "Maybe it's something I can eat in the cabinet." He said softly as he thought out loud.

Almost as if the thought of food triggered it, his stomach grumbled.

Staggering towards the cabinet, Shinji reached up with his bandaged arm and tried to open the cabinet doors until a sound from the front of the house shocked him.

Sadly, not only did it make him jump but it also put him off balance just enough from him to back into the table and, ultimately, fall on the floor. Shinji could feel his heart beating as he could hear footsteps quickly approaching him but he had no idea what to do.

Growing more and more nervous by the second, he couldn't do anything except look up at the person who stared down at him.

Concerned, the girl dropped the bags she held on the floor and rushed to his air, "Are you alright?" She asked quietly, leaning over to help him to his feet.

He didn't accept her help. Instead, he looked the young woman up and down before he started to get off the floor.

This was the wrong time to think about her looks but she was pretty. Her auburn, shoulder length hair matched well with her crystal blue eyes that were still looking at him with worry in their depths. Despite the lack of light for the most part, her skin almost seemed to glow under the candle light but it was her personality that sparkled as she smiled, "You can't remember who I am?"

The school uniform she wore was obviously the one that he would never forget but the girl herself was someone who he couldn't remember at all.

She stuck her hand out and her smile was still firmly in place as she spoke, "I'm Mana Kirishima. Do you remember now?"

Suddenly, he could remember her easily. This was someone he saw before, even talked to before. With his laments temporarily forgotten, Shinji looked up at her in shock. This was someone he knew… Someone who treated him and he forgot about her.

"How… No, why did you-"

Mana cut him off, "I found you on my way back. I didn't think… I didn't think you would make it so I just tried my best to make you comfortable."

He opened his mouth to speak but, briefly, decided against telling her that he didn't want to live, "Thank you Mana…"

"Come on Shinji." Mana, seeing that he wasn't getting up anytime soon, took a seat on the ground in front of him, "You just saved the world. Why are you so down?"

"Saved the world?" Shinji paused as he looked at his hands, "More like ruined it."

"Hmm? If that's the case, then why am I still alive?" Mana asked as she pulled the bags she brought back towards her.

Shinji narrowed his eyes, "W-Why are you still alive?"

Mana shrugged, "Why are you still alive Shinji?"

"Because you saved me…"

The crimson haired girl smiled, "I'm alive because you saved me."

Shinji stood back up, his spirit somewhat lifted after her words. It was true that he did some things wrong but, with Mana as proof, he certainly didsomething right. If she was alive, then it was a chance that he probably didn't destroy the world. Maybe he was right to take down Rei…

Did he do something wrong for the right reason or…?

"I thought I killed everyone…" Shinji paused as he looked up in thought, "I didn't think I deserved to live anymore."

"Don't be like that," Mana stated, rising to her feet while she spoke, "You did what you had to do right?"

It would be easy to just agree with her but he of all people knew that wasn't the case. He didn't act with the safety of people in his mind but for his own selfish reasons. He didn't want to be accepted by anyone and set out to make it so it wouldn't be anyone to be accepted by.

He had blood on his hands he couldn't wash off. Would it be right to just cast their deaths aside and pretend that it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't do anything to help them even if he honestly tried?

"I was wrong Mana…"

She hugged him and was the first person to do so in a long time.

He didn't protest as her arms gently wrapped around his injured body and he said nothing as she pulled him closer to her. No matter how abrupt or who it came from, Shinji treasured the hug like it was the best thing that happened to him which it probably was at the moment.

"I watched you before Shinji," Mana whispered in his ear, her ruby locks of hair tickling the side of his face, "You always looked so sad but I didn't know how to approach you."

"Well, I could have just walked up to you but I didn't want to get your way seeing that you were a pilot and all." She continued her story and he quietly listened, "After a while, I decided that I couldn't do it so I had to instead leave you a gift to let you know that I thought of you and was thankful that you piloted."

He silently remained in her embrace and she went on, "Do you remember that bento that I left you? No! More importantly, do you remember the card?"

Inside a plain white box was a plain lunch with a note taped on top. Although even Shinji would admit that the food itself wasn't that great, it was the neatly written characters on the note that he would never forget.

"I like you…" Mana said, voicing what was written.

Shinji relaxed in her arms, her words soothing him like one of his favorite songs. While it was someone who only said those words to him once long ago, she was the person who wrote them long before that.

"I like you."

0

The majestic mix of colors in the evening sky was beautiful to say the least. The mix of purples, reds, and blues in the sky blended to create something that Shinji couldn't take his eyes away from.

Somehow pulling his eyes away from the sight above, the pilot breathed in the air and slowly exhaled before he walked around. He could now clearly see the nowhere he was in the middle of thanks to fact that it wasn't raining anymore.

It was a field… A full field of grass. There weren't any flowers of trees in sight, nothing but the tall blades of green that he walked through. In the distance, he could see his broken entry plug but he could also see things far more significant than that.

On the horizon, he could the familiar orange of LCL but it was the being that lay in the liquid that surprised him to the point that his heart skipped a beat. Like a rock going through a window, it shattered his weak willed desire to see Third Impact as something else other than reality.

The ivory skinned being stared up at the sky he was so mesmerized by with an unblinking gaze as if it cursed the same sky that he liked but could he blame her? From where he was standing, he could also see the Mass Production series suspended in the LCL by the lances he remembered driving through their entry plugs.

"I used their weapons…" Shinji whispered, recalling the feeling of snatching them from their hands.

Reality betrayed him again. All he tried to do was find a single inkling of peace but it was taken from him by a look into the lifeless eyes of someone who tried to save him. Of course, they were far away from where he was but the truth was right there in front of him nonetheless.

Then what was behind him? A lie? He couldn't ignore what he did but this grass… No, Mana meant that he wasn't wrong. If she was alive, then that meant others were alive and that meant that he surely did at least one thing right.

Shinji looked behind him at the line of empty graves he made. All they were made of was upturned soil but it was still something to dedicate to their memory… Anyone would laugh at the lack of effort he put into it but what else could he do? It wasn't like he could bring them back or anything.

"Off being depressed again?"

He shook his head as she walked up to him, "It's not that… I'm just thinking."

"About the graves…?" Mana looked at his dirty hands, "It's not about remembering the dead or anything like that Shinji. Stuff like that only exists to comfort people who are still alive."

Shinji looked up at the sky in thought, "You're saying I didn't have to do it?"

"I'm saying that you have to put the past behind you and walk towards your future." Mana looked at the graves as she spoke, her tone of voice not annoyed but the look in her eyes showing that she was sad as well, "I know I sound like I don't care but if you look down too much then you'll forget about looking up Shinji."

"No, you're right…" Shinji agreed. It was only so much time he could contribute to the past. If he didn't look forward to his future then the people who died would not only be in vain but they would also be shamed. There wasn't a choice. Even if they were dead, he would survive for their sake…

"I like that." Mana said, smiling as she looked at Shinji, "I wish I could take a picture of you with that face."

Shinji raised an eyebrow, "Um… What do you mean?"

Mana playfully poked him in the check, "It's rare to see you with a look of resolve Shinji. Anyway, let's go eat dinner before it gets cold."

It wasn't until she mentioned that she made dinner that Shinji realized how long he was outside. Regardless of that, the girl took hold of his wrist and tugged him in the direction of the lone house in the open field.

Thanks to the abrupt pull, Shinji stumbled and Mana couldn't recover in time to prevent both of them from falling into the ground. The mud splashed as they came into contact with the ground but his dirty clothes were the least of his worries. Shinji groaned as his lifted his head off Mana, "Are you al- Ah! I'm sorry!"

He snatched his hand off her chest so fast that she started to wonder if it was actually there in the first place. His companion wiped the mud off her face with the back of her hand as he moved to get off the top of her, "If touching me was all it took to make you go back to your usual self then I don't mind at all."

"You're covered with mud now though…" Shinji said softly as he looked her up and down, her school uniform soiled with stains.

"Hmm?" Mana accepted his hand and he helped her off the ground, "You're still worrying about the small stuff? Maybe you need to touch me here again!"

"You shouldn't be t-teasing at a time like this!" Shinji exclaimed as he backed away from her with his face covered in red.

The crimson haired girl disregarded his statement with one of her own, "Are you telling me I should be serious with you then Shinji?" She asked before giving chase.

With that, both of them ran towards the house and the empty graves were left alone. Shinji snuck a glance over his shoulder and, other than the girl closing in on him, he could see the graveyard he created.

Maybe his effort really was in vain. From here it just looked like a few piles of dirt and, although he remembered Mana's words, he would never forget the people those piles of dirt represented.

Continued…

Preview:

He spends his days in quiet reflection, silently pondering his place on that fine line that decides right and wrong. Will the questions he has for her cause him to fall… or will he continue to maintain his steady balance?

Next chapter: Conversations

"Let me take care of you…"

Author's Note: Hmm…e.e Nothing much to say except that the Remix is coming along pretty well. I like writing the previews even if people probably don't even read them. ;.;