Disclaimer: In the first chapter.
To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)
Chapter Three:
Conversations
Shinji stared at his reflection in the mirror and slowly reached up to touch his bandaged eye. Unwrapping the bandages Mana tightly wrapped around his head, Shinji pulled them off and looked at the mirror as he opened his eye.
The sound of his thumping heartbeat was a sign of how much he didn't want to see how bad it was but he blessed with relief when he noticed it wasn't even half as bad as it felt.
The eerie red eye in the mirror peered at him. At the moment, the fact that he regained his sight in the eye wasn't what occupied his mind. He could only think of that deep red that reminded him of the lance that pierced Unit 01.
"It still hurts…" He said quietly, remembering how it felt when the injury was dealt to him.
"That's why you should rest then."
Her voice startled him and his head immediately snapped towards the doorway, "M-Mana? How long were you there?"
She stepped into the room, "Long enough to see you taking off the bandages." She said harshly as she dried her hands with a towel.
"It's not like that…" Shinji replied quickly, holding up his hands in protest as he spoke, "I'm thankful you helped me but I just had to see how it looked."
Mana sighed before throwing the towel on the bed, "It's not even about how your eye looks or-"
"Y-You saw it?" He asked, cutting her off in the process.
"I saw everything." She said easily leaving Shinji aghast, "Your eye, the marks on your wrists, the bruise on your chest, and the scratches on your back… I didn't wrap you up like that because I thought you would make a good mummy."
His classmate took a seat on the bed as she continued, "Like I was saying, it's not about your eye or about you taking off the bandages. I just want you to get your rest… If I knew you didn't want to go to sleep then I would have asked you to help me wash dishes."
He could tell she was annoyed but that didn't stop him from asking the question that he wondered about more than any other, "Mana… Why do you care about me so much?"
Shinji expected a lot of things to result from such a question being asked but a laugh were not one of them. A tired laugh it was but it was still a laugh. The crimson haired girl shook her head, already knowing how she would reply, "Why shouldn't I care Shinji?"
A look outside could give her the best answer but he decided to be less direct, "This is my fault… I'm surprised you don't hate me."
"You're that insecure?" She asked bluntly, her question having no reply as the boy she posed it to turned his attention to the floor.
That was her answer.
Her exhaustion was overshadowed by the concern in her eyes as she got back up and walked over to her roommate, "Shinji, trust me… I meant it when I said I like you."
"I…"
Mana moved closer to him, "I care because you're important to me."
Faced with her honest feelings, Shinji felt ashamed for asking in the first place. She came to his aid, helped him, and even told him how she felt and didn't ask for anything in return except that he got his proper rest.
However, the only thing he did was make her worry…
"I'm sorry." He whispered as Mana flashed him her usual charming smile.
"I already told you." Mana used her finger to poke him, "You don't have to say that to me. If you act like that then you're inviting me to take advantage of you."
Shinji gulped before he turned his sight back to the girl in front of him. She winked before she started towards the door, "I'm about to finish washing dishes. We can talk anytime but it's important that you get your rest now, okay?"
"Do you want me-"
Still a bit worn out, Mana could only muster a small smile as she successfully predicted what he was going to ask, "No, I don't want you to help Shinji. Just lay down for a while. I'll be finished in no time."
With that, she took her leave. The door to the bedroom creaked open and he could hear everyone one of her footsteps as she went back to the kitchen to finish what she started.
Shinji turned back towards the mirror but, instead of his eye, he looked at the unraveled bandages that hung loosely around his neck. It was selfish of him to undo them he decided silently as he carefully pulled the strips off his neck. He stared at the limp white line of cloth he held in his hand but his thoughts were squarely on Mana herself.
He didn't put any thought into how she would feel. He just went ahead and did it because he wanted to know. Was he putting too much thought into it or…
"Was I always like this…?" The former pilot wondered out loud, gripping the bandages as he thought.
No, he was never this impulsive. He knew from experience that people got hurt when others didn't think things out but something was off.
The blush Mana left on his face was long gone and the serious look on his face could have been set in stone as he turned towards the window. Unlocking it, Shinji pushed open the window and the wind chime jingled as he looked outside.
The landscape was still the same.
"Maybe I changed." Shinji voiced as he looked at the near endless plain, knowing fully well that he was only trying to convince himself. He took a seat on the stool and placed his elbow on the windowsill
Third Impact didn't only scar the Earth. The fact that he was solely responsible for this destruction was reason enough to go crazy but it was the guilt he carried that hurt him so much more.
What if it was Asuka that found him instead of Mana? Would she get her revenge since he didn't make it in time? Would she try to kill him on the spot?
What if he encountered Misato? Could he apologize for leaving her? Would he be able to tell her that he knew it was futile from the beginning?
"Speaking of Misato…" Shinji felt around in his pockets, smiling sadly as he realized that it wasn't there, "I lost something… else… important…"
Folding his arms and placing them on windowsill, Shinji rested his head on his forearm. The memories of days long since past guided Shinji to his dreams and, by extension, the rest that he really needed.
0
"Shinji…"
He stirred in his sleep.
"Shinji…"
The voice called out to him again and Shinji started to rouse from his slumber. While it was clearly his name that was being said, it had such a melodic tone to it that one would believe that it belonged in a song thanks to the way the person said it.
He woke to see nothing. Not sure that he was fully awake, he rubbed his eyes but the same sight greeted him when he took another peek. The quiet darkness was now apparent but the overwhelming nature of the room wasn't thanks to the eerie silence or even the fact that he couldn't see his own hands in front of his face.
It was the chill that went down his spine that made him know that something was extremely wrong… It wasn't just the type of cold you experienced when it was cold outside but the type of chill you feel when you are walking around downtown at night or going through a dark alley.
Something was obviously very wrong about this.
"Shinji…"
That voice rang clearly though the darkness and registered in his mind. It was a familiar voice that he would never forget as long as he lived, "Ayanami…"
The moment he whispered the name, arms sprang from out of the darkness and wrapped around him. Lightly, he was embraced from behind but he did not know who but the sudden appearance of light cleared up any question he would have as he peered over his shoulder to see who had their arms around him.
Rei said nothing. Seemingly taking in the moment for all that it was worth; she released him and stepped back into the darkness. Left in the light, Shinji could only stare at the place where she once stood.
"I can only observe you from behind because…"
The soft voice of his friend was heard once again but her words puzzled him. Confused, he was about to ask a question until she continued.
"You would push me away if I appeared in front of you."
"N-No!" Shinji quickly shook his head, "I won't do it again! I swear on my life!"
The chill he felt earlier returned with enough force to make his legs start shaking. It wasn't even a matter of if something bad was going to happen but when.
"You…" She sighed and could tell just from the sound of her voice that she was tired, "You are still afraid of me."
"I'm not afraid!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, his panicked state apparent as he started to back away, "I'm not scared of you Ayanami! It's not like that!"
His heart felt like it was going to explode as he saw a foot step into the light later followed by a leg. His eyes trailed up the leg up to the school uniform she wore but his inspection of her was halted by the sound of dripping.
It was only then that he realized the blood that dripped on the floor and somehow managed to force himself to look up to see something so horrible that words simply fail to describe the sight.
"T-Then…" She stumbled into the light and, to his dismay, fell which allowed him to see her completely, "Why did you do this to me…?"
0
His scream was the most terrifying thing she ever heard and waking up to it didn't make it at all more tolerable. Mana bolted up and scanned the room immediately only to discover that Shinji was fully awake. The look in his eyes alone was enough for her to realize that he was horrified, "Shinji… Shinji!" She yelled, shaking him until she got a reaction.
"M-Mana…?" He said softly, the distant look in her eyes telling her all that she needed to know. Shinji looked up at her but it wasn't until she leaned over him that he realized that they both were in the same bed.
She touched him…
Surprised by the sudden feelings of her fingers sliding down his face, Shinji motioned to get up but the hand on his chest forced him back down, "It was just a nightmare Shinji. You're okay."
The room was dark but the moonlight more than made up for the lack of candles. Even if his eyes still had to properly adjust to the small sum of light in the room, he could clearly see the look on her face.
"Do you want me to hold you?"
It was a direct question asked with a serious expression. There weren't any charming smiles or light blushes this time around but just her affection. Her aquamarine eyes stared down at him as she asked the question, her fingers still trailing down her face as she spoke.
The nightmare he experienced was forced back into the depths of his mind as he considered her offer. Normally, even having to think about something of this nature would bring a light shade of red to his face but this wasn't the case this time around. Shinji locked eyes with her, "N-No thank you…" He said quickly, turning to lay on his side before he changed his mind.
He refused.
She did it anyway.
Gently, her arm slid under him and she pulled him closer to her. She carefully held him close to her, her head positioned directly behind his.
"Do things when you want to Shinji…" Mana whispered into his ear, "If you don't take chances you get then no one is going to give them to you."
Of course she was right but, in relaxing in her arms, he realized that she was hugging him from behind. A coincidence? It had to be. Besides, Mana she hugged him earlier and he didn't push her away.
If he had taken chances he had then things wouldn't have turned out like this. Maybe he would somewhere laughing while he stepped out of Unit 01 for the last time or maybe he would be studying for a test he had.
"Hey Shinji…" Her breath tickled his neck as she spoke, "How do you feel about me?"
"I…"
"You don't have to answer if you don't-"
"I like you, too." He said softly as he stared at the window, the moonlight shining through the window onto his face as he spoke.
Idly, she squeezed him just a bit tighter as his words reached her. She didn't misunderstand him. He didn't see her the same way she saw him but it was possible he eventually would. Not wanting to push him to far, she decided to change the subject, "Do you want to talk about it? The nightmare I mean…"
He opened up to her and told her everything. With as much detail as possible, he told her from beginning to end. Nothing was left out. He told her about how he brought about Third Impact and he told her exactly why the nightmare bothered him so much. Occasionally speaking to let him know she was still awake, Mana listened to every word before he fell asleep.
Pulling the sheets over them, Mana slid her arm from under Shinji and stared at his prone form. Figuring that this was probably the best sleep he had in a while, she tried her best not to disturb him but the oncoming feeling was all she needed to know that it was no way to stop what was about to happen.
Mana buried her face into the pillow and the muffled scream did little to rouse the boy beside her. The worst part was over but she didn't have the strength to stop what came next. Despite her attempt to cover her mouth, she whispered words she hoped to God that Shinji didn't hear.
"Goodnight Ikari…"
0
"Mana…" Shinji muttered, tears of happiness threatening to come down his face as he took another bite, "What… What is this?"
The girl in question smiled seeing that he liked her cooking so much, "They're pancakes Shinji. Surprised you never had any." She said before sliding the syrup to his side of the table.
"They are really good!" He said happily, the thought of her making them for him making him feel way better than he did the last few days.
"Take your time Shinji," Mana pushed her plate aside and got up from the table, "I'll change your bandages after you're finished."
"Oh… Okay."
Shinji turned to the small window in the kitchen after he finished the last of his pancakes. When he got up, the first thing he saw was the sunny, clear sky. Possibly being the only person to ever see a sky stained with blood caught in atmosphere, Shinji appreciated seeing such a sight a lot more than he previously did.
The sound of the metal first aid box clacking on the kitchen table was enough to bring him back to his senses. Mana unlocked the box and opened it as she spoke, "You really look outside a lot Shinji. I didn't know you liked nature that much."
"It's not like that." He stated as he watched her get out the antiseptic and bandages, "It's just that I didn't realize how much I took things for granted until I looked at the sky with you."
"Take off your shirt."
Shinji blushed as he started to pull off his navy blue tee shirt. Mana quietly stared at him as he dropped his shirt on the floor and Shinji couldn't help but feel her eyes tracing the injuries on his body.
"Don't be so shy about it… It's nothing I haven't seen before." She said gently before she started pulling away at the bandages wrapped around his torso.
"It doesn't bother you…?" Shinji asked softly, white strips of stains of red being taken off him as he posed the question.
"Of course it does. I hate seeing you hurt Shinji…"
It probably would have been better to keep silent but he had to tell her even if she could already tell, "I'm sorry for hurting you Mana."
When she didn't reply, he continued, "I was thinking about you before I went to sleep. Every since I've been here, you only cared about me and I didn't even think about the important stuff…"
"Your family... Your house…" Shinji cringed as she tended to the cut on his back, "I don't know why I didn't think of those things now. The… The people who are important to you are probably gone and it's all my-"
"I'm not going to hate you Shinji." Mana cast the old bandages aside as she picked up the new roll, "You're forgetting you're an important person to me, too."
The tears fell but there was no sadness. There was a profound feeling of worth. Instead of just feeling needed which was usually the case, this time around he honestly felt wanted and that touched him far more than someone cooking just for his sake, "I wish I met you sooner." Shinji whispered, using his forearm to wipe his eyes.
"Keep your arm like that…" Mana said, smiling as she moved in front of him, "Is it okay if I'm here now?"
He nodded as she wrapped the bandages around his frame. Carefully, she took her time and allowed Shinji to lower his arms when she finished. Crashing down like that in his entry plug left him with a lot of minor cuts and scratches but he had the occasional injury that she had to treat.
Mana leaned over in front of Shinji who still had his head down, "Come on, let's go do something."
He made no attempt to move so she grabbed his hand and, at the same time, Shinji spoke, "I won't take them off again."
Instantly knowing what he was talking about, Mana's smile became even larger than before, "Thank you."
Shinji knew it every since he saw her for the first time but today only served to remind him how precious her smile was to him. He could go on for hours about how beautiful or charming her smile was but seeing her happy was important to him.
The pilot stared at their joined hands and stood up, "You're welcome."
Continued…
Preview:
The limitless sky… In his dreams, her heart is the moon and his desires are the sparkling stars. How long can she sail in his sea of endless affection before dawn arrives and the sun comes up?
Next chapter: Breeze
"Reality is not what you believe it to be."
Author's Note: The Remix is showing me some love. Getting some work done on some other stories. It's all good. See you all in the next chapter. Hmm, as you read this, I'm probably doing the final chapter. o.o