Disclaimer: In the first chapter.

To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)

Chapter Four:

Breeze

Days passed just as quickly as the stray wind that came through the window he sat in front of. Waiting for the girl behind him to wake up, Shinji silently stared outside and admired the view. Idly, he noted that the graves he went though all the trouble to make were already gone. Even with that in mind, he did not feel his effort in making them was wasted. The mounds of dirt fell over but his memories of his friends were something he would never forget.

The wind chime above him jingled again and he could hear Mana starting to get up, "Shinji…?"

"Are you feeling better?" He asked as he got off the chair he placed in front of the window.

Mana turned towards him and nodded, "Yeah, I just needed to rest for a while… I get a bit tired every now and then."

Relieved, Shinji took a deep breath and released it, "That's good. I was starting to think you were sick. You should just stay in bed then. I'll do everything-"

"You were watching over me?" She interrupted him and, even if she still looked a bit sleepy, the look in her eyes demanded an answer.

"I got worried when you dropped the plate and started leaning on me." He said softly as he recalled what happened yesterday, "I thought… I was started to think it was my fault."

"It's nothing like that. I just suddenly don't feel good sometimes but I'm really glad Shinji." Mana smiled as she pulled the covers back causing Shinji to advert his eyes when he noticed she was only in her underwear.

Shinji coughed as she walked toward the mirror, "I washed our clothes."

A sly smile appeared on Mana's face, "Hmmm? So you undressed me while I was sleep… Makes me wonder if you did any-"

It was Shinji's turn to cut her off as he turned to her with a crimson face, "No! I mean, I just needed your uniform. I found a dress in the closet and I washed that for you."

"If I had known you were going to do that then I would have gave you my pan-"

"Ah!" Shinji said loudly, slamming his fist into the palm of his hand like he came up with a good idea, "I will go make us breakfast!"

Mana chuckled at his horrible acting as he ran off but, almost the moment he left the room, her laughter came to an abrupt halt. She slowly walked back to the bed and fell backwards on to it after she sighed.

She didn't know what to do…

Sooner or later, he was going to wonder why she suddenly got tired every now and then. She could just tell him a lie but what was the point of keeping a secret when it was only to two of them? Besides, telling him would be so easy compared to suppressing it…

"What am I thinking…?" His classmate voiced as she thought out loud.

She couldn't afford to falter now. He was depending on her and was finally starting to warm up to her. This was just something she would keep to herself.

0

Mana leaned back in the chair after she handed Shinji the plate, "That was good Shinji! If I knew you could cook that well then I would have let you make dinner a long time ago."

He warmly accepted the plate from her and placed it in the sink, "Oh, thanks…"

"What's wrong?" She asked because of his dejected voice.

Already knowing he couldn't say it to her face, Shinji turned away from Mana, "It's just that I like your cooking better."

"It's the little things…" Mana brought the chair back to the floor and got out of the seat as she spoke, "You always like the small stuff that most people take for granted."

Shinji turned towards the sink and got ready to wash the dishes, "You say it like that's bad."

"It's not bad at all. It's just that you aren't supposed to be content with someone like me making dinner for you or someone washing your clothes. You are satisfied with stuff like that." Mana shook her head as she moved walked away from the table. Of course, she knew as much before hand but it wasn't until now that she finally realized what he needed, "You're great Shinji but you are too modest about it."

"Mana…"

"Forget about it..." His roommate said, dismissing the topic with a wave of her hand. She opened up a cabinet and fished her arm around inside it until she found what she was looking for, "We're going to celebrate now." She said calmly before pulling out a case of what looked like beer.

"Huh…? Where did you get that from?" Shinji asked with a confused look on his face.

The wry look in her eyes already told him what she was about to say, "The cabinet."

He grabbed a towel and dried his hands before walking over to her, "Seriously…"

"I was looking around and came across it before I found you." Mana tossed a can up to him and he juggled it before finally catching it, "Let's drink some."

"W-Wait!" Shinji paused as he tried to make reason of the situation, "You haven't told me what we're celebrating and I don't even like beer."

"Um, we are… we're celebrating your first time cooking here!" She raised her arms in the air as she said it for extra effect but it didn't at all fool the pilot in front of her.

He sighed, "You just wanted to drink some?"

Mana lowered her arms and nodded, "Yeah… I want to drink something other than water sometimes. You don't have to drink with me if you-"

"I don't mind." Shinji grabbed the can she gave him and pulled the tab on it as he sat on the ground next to her. He took a glance at Mana as she opened her can and, at the same time, they took the first gulp of the beer.

He smiled when he lowered the can from his lips. It tasted just as bad as it did the first time but, if she wanted to drink it, he would keep her company. While the girl opposite him didn't exactly enjoy it as much as she thought she would, she didn't at all mind having something other than water for at least a while.

Shinji drunk some more and used the back of his hand to wipe off what was left on his mouth, "I'm finished." He said, the aftertaste already making him regret drinking the stuff in the first place.

"Aww, don't cut down on the celebration already Shinji. Just have two more, okay?"

She rolled two more cans in his direction and he picked one of them up, "Okay…" He said as he took another look at the girl in front of him and popped the tab.

Their morning continued with both of them drinking the beer and depositing their empty cans in the space between them. With Mana urging him on, Shinji started to drink his third can and that was when he started to feel a bit woozy, "Ugh, no more."

"Ha," She placed her can on the ground, "I just wanted to see how much you would drink before you gave up."

Shinji rubbed his head, "That's kinda mean…"

"I didn't mean it like that." Mana stared at the empty cans in front of her, "You'd go this far if someone is telling you what-"

"No… I…" He shook his head to clear his mind then raised his head to look directly at her, "Just because I don't like something doesn't mean I won't do it for you."

"I know I don't have any confidence and that I'm insecure but I can still do things for people important to me." Shinji continued, his eyes drifting down towards the beer cans as he spoke.

"This is what I meant." He blinked as she suddenly spoke, "You'd go out of your way for people and end up with the short end of the stick. Why would you go so far for people when you know you're going to end up sad?"

She knew it sounded selfish when she said it but that didn't matter. How could he hold onto that way of thinking despite everything he been through?

"People are sad Mana. It's just a matter of making them happy when you can that's important." Shinji slowly stood back up, "Misato taught me a long time ago…"

"Moved by the small stuff…"

Slightly irritated that she called major's advice small, Shinji immediately turned back to her, "What is big then Mana?"

He didn't have any idea how long she waited from him to ask, "Have you ever kiss someone?"

"Asuka…" He said, the words slipping out of his mouth the moment he remembered.

"Her?" Mana yelled obviously upset, getting to her feet as she spoke, "Why her of all people!"

Dazed by seeing her angry for the first time, Shinji stepped back in shock but later regained his composure, "W-What's wrong with Asuka?"

"She didn't like you..." Mana quickly calmed down but her words kept an edge sharp enough to cut, "You're not supposed to do things like that with people who don't like you Shinji."

"Mana, what do you have against her…?" Shinji asked, too curious to keep the question to himself.

"I know how she treated you…"

"It wasn't bad or anything. That's just how Asuka was."

"She hated you."

"I know… I know that!" Shinji said, unintentionally raising his voice at her. He knew fully well that Asuka didn't like him much in the first place but it wasn't until later that her bitter hatred of him was apparent, "I did bad things to her Mana. It's not her fault so don't get angry at her."

"I'm jealous…" Mana said before she turned away from him.

"Huh?"

"You still care about her even though she doesn't care about you." His former classmate stated, walking away as he stared at her from behind, "I want to be that close to you…"

"You… are."

Stunned, Mana snapped back around and stepped towards Shinji but it wasn't until she stepped on them that she realized she forgot about the cans. She started to fall but Shinji easily caught her before they both hit the floor. It wasn't until he flinched that she realized that he fell on his back… with her on top of him.

"Are you okay?"

"I really like you Mana." He laid on the floor and looked up at the ceiling as he spoke, "No, I… I think I love you."

Mana crawled over him some more so she could look him directly in the eyes. He could feel the tears splash on his face but he didn't need that to tell that she was crying. The smile on her face contrasted the tears but that was enough to let him know that he didn't do anything wrong.

"I love you Shinji."

It wasn't hard to say anymore.

Now, it was just as casual as a friendly slap on the back or as usual as a greeting. It was something she just couldn't pop up in a random conversation and just hoped he felt the same. It was only when his feelings were confirmed that she could tell him.

She reached for his wrist and gently pinned his hand to the ground. Placing her other hand on the floor for support, she lowered her head until her lips brushed against his.

Did he understand?

This was more than kind words and encouragement. This was more than making him something to eat or washing clothes. This was something she wanted to share with him and only him.

Cleary, he didn't quite get it but that was okay…

Mana licked his lips and could still taste the beer they drunk but her mind was firmly set on what she was about to do. She held out for as long as she could but, without any protest from him, she couldn't help but continue.

She kissed him and, probably more importantly, he kissed her…

0

This darkness was felt familiar and it didn't take long for him to wonder why thanks to the pale hand on his shoulder, "Rei?" He called out, unintentionally using her first name.

He didn't receive a reply.

"You don't forgive me?" It was almost a pointless question. Even if his sanity was barely intact, he had enough sense to realize what he was doing when he killed her. It wasn't like she was just going to accept one of his awkward but honest apologies now.

"You have nothing to be sorry about." She softly clutched his shoulder, "I was too… rash." She whispered, the trace of regret in her voice standing out.

"Don't say it like that…" Shinji looked at her hand, "It doesn't mean much but I'm really sorry Ayanami. I don't know how I could make it up-"

"I was selfish." Her quiet confession interrupted him and left him with no choice but to listen, "I wanted to show you…"

"Show me what?"

"That you don't have to be alone."

"You don't hate me for… killing you?" He turned his eyes away from the ghostly pale hand she had placed on him. The idea of her hating him was something he already accepted as fact. Every since he saw that lifeless gaze he knew that it could be no way that she didn't resent him.

"I do not have any hate for you… I am at peace."

That weight on his soul was lifted but the fact that he killed her would always remain. Regardless of that, he was just glad that she understood but he just needed to know one more thing, "Ayanami, is this real…?"

It was another pointless question. It was obviously a dream but even a lie would make him feel that much better.

"Real is subjective Ikari."

That was an answer he did not expect.

"This may be as real as anything you experienced but what you may believe to be reality can possibly be dream shrouding itself in your truth."

Shinji was confused but he continued to question the girl behind him, "I don't understand… What are you trying to say?"

"What are you trying to ask me?" Rei replied, answering a question with a question.

"Are you the real Rei?"

"I am."

Despite the oncoming headache, Shinji couldn't help but let a small smile come to his face, "I'm glad I could tell you but why… did you do… that to me last time?" He finally managed to get out, the pounding headache giving him no relief.

"Last time?"

Shinji's eyes widened as he heard what she said. Immediately, he turned around and stood face to face with Rei and looked directly into her crimson eyes. He tried to ask her something but he fell to his knees, the headache overpowering him with ease.

He couldn't speak, much less move, but it was then Rei went into motion. She kneeled down and, carefully, placed her hands on his shoulders. She was saying something but the headache was seriously killing him.

Then everything suddenly went black.

0

"My head…" Shinji sat up in and rubbed his head. Alas, the headache, while not as painful as before, was still there. Looking around, he realized that he was in the bed.

It wasn't until she shifted that he noticed that Mana was right beside him, her arms wrapped around his waist. Slowly, she opened one of her eyes and looked up at him, "A hangover… after drinking three beers?"

Memories of Misato stumbling around the house complaining about hangovers came to mind but quickly left when he shook his head, "No, it's not that…"

"Is something wrong?"

"I was just having another dream…" Shinji turned to the window and saw the evening sky.

Mana released him and also sat up in the bed, "You didn't go to sleep last night did you?"

"H-How did you know?" He asked, his expression full of the surprise his voice contained.

"The moment we got to the bed you feel asleep so fast that I thought you passed out." She stretched now that she was fully awake again, "I'm glad you're up though. I'll make dinner."

"I didn't want to disturb you and…" Shinji blushed, "It's not right to just get in the bed with you."

"Oh?" His words drew a smile from her, "You're my boyfriend. I don't have anything to hide from you."

The word boyfriend rang in his mind as she moved to get out of the bed and, because he was so caught up in thinking, the fact that Mana slept in her underwear was completely forgotten. He could remember when he didn't even understand exactly what it meant to have a friend and, now, he had a girlfriend.

"Shinji…"

Her voice roused him from his thoughts and the tone of her voice attracted his complete attention. Dressed only in her bra and some pants he found that fit her, Mana held one of the candles and stood in the doorway with her back facing him.

Slightly worried because of how she said it, he didn't take his time to reply, "What is it?"

"I forced the kiss but I really do love you."

She was serious.

Truthfully, he didn't find it forceful at all especially since he was more than willing to submit. More than the kiss, he remembered how happy she looked and remembering that moved him enough to voice what he wanted to say.

"I love you too Mana."

She looked over her shoulder and flashed him the smile he always found so precious, "I know."

Almost at the exact time she left the room, his stomach grumbled but he had something other than food or even Mana on his mind. The last thing Rei said to him disturbed him enough to clearly remember it even if it was just a dream.

"Reality isn't what you believe it to be." He muttered slowly, trying to let the words sink in. She was never as cryptic as most people made her out to be but some of the things she said did sound like riddles and this was definitely one of them.

He didn't have an answer for it yet but, as he pulled the sheets back, he knew that it would come to him eventually. Not because he would figure it out though. It was because, despite everything that happened, Rei never lied to him.

Continued…

Preview:

The sun appears over the horizon, ushering in a new day as it rises higher in the sky. The questions from a prior day join the new and continue to cross into the tomorrow that is fated to come… However, she watches the sunset knowing fully well that the answers he seek are ones that she will never share.

Next chapter: Real Lies

"Do you hate me now…?"

Author's Note: Things are coming together. Next chapters are coming up.