Chapter Two: The Leathernecks
At about the same time at Kame House, Oolong's bedroom…
"OOLONG, LET ME GOOOO!!" Puar shrieked, as her fellow shape-shifter hugged her fiercely.
"You got me a date, Puar! I finally got a date, thanks to you!" Oolong exclaimed, finally releasing the crushed Puar and jumping up and down for joy. "So, what is she like?"
"She likes to smoke," Puar said immediately. "She's already nicknamed you Ooos. And she says that she likes pigs, so you might have more than a ghost of a chance." She settled herself on the pillow-covered window seat in front of Oolong's only bedroom window.
"All right!" Oolong yelled. He leapt onto his blue-covered bed, laid himself down, and grinned. "This is going to be easier than I thought. All I have to do is go to Suiza's bar looking like Vegeta's old partner, Nappa, just like I looked today, charm her off her feet, and I'm in!" He was trying to think of various clever lines to use on his new amour when Puar's next words brought him back to reality:
"Um, Oolong, aren't you forgetting something?"
"You're right, Puar!" Oolong said brightly. "I have to check to see later what kind of panties that she wears!"
"CRASH!" Puar's small body tumbled off of the window seat in a faint. A few seconds later, when she recovered, she levitated into the air. "No, you perverted swine! That's not it!"
"Then what else can it be?" Oolong wanted to know.
Puar rubbed her aching feline head and sighed, "You can only maintain any shape for only five minutes! What are you going to do when you turn back into a pig right in front of Suiza? No offense, Oolong, but I don't know if any human would be willing to date a pig."
Oolong's face fell. Puar was right; how was he going to be able to keep up his upcoming deception of him being a human man? He racked his porcine brains, trying desperately to think of a way to get in good with Suiza and continue to let her think that he was human. Then he grinned and said happily:
"You'll come with me!"
"NO!" Puar squeaked. "No way!" She had already decided that this sham had gone far enough.
"Please, Puar, I really need your help!" Oolong begged. "I already have it figured out." (Actually he was making his plan up as he went along.) "You'll come as my…motorcycle! That'll save me the trouble of having to buy one myself, and a motorcycle will really impress Suiza! Then when Suiza's back is turned, you'll become my helmet! And-and then when it comes time for me to go back in my regular form, I'll go under the table for some reason, and then we'll switch places, and you'll be me for a while. Then we can switch back after a few minutes. What do you think? Will you help?"
"The kind of help that you need, Oolong, I can't provide," Puar said, frustrated. "However, I'm sure that I can talk to Yamucha, and he can recommend a good psychiatrist…"
"Please, Puar!" Oolong wailed. "I really, really like Suiza already, and I need your help! When you find a guy that you like, I'll do the same for you! Please, please, please, please!"
"Oh, all right!" Puar grumbled. "I'll help you."
Suiza's cottage, right behind the Hog Wild Motorcycle Shop And Biker Bar…
Suiza, having used much of her inheritance from her deceased aunt's estate to start her biker bar and motorcycle shop, had opted to buy the small, apple green, two-bedroom cottage that was only a ten-minute walk from her businesses; she also owned the land that held all of her property. The cottage had a dark-green roof and shutters and door, and morning glory and ivy vines covered at least half of the little house, and there were three worn brick steps leading up to the door. A path of aged, round, mauve stepping-stones made a walkway to the door. Giant pine and willow trees embraced the tiny cottage, providing it constant shade.
Suiza, in her blond-haired, blue-eyed human form, was getting ready for her date with Oolong in her tiny master bedroom. She was wearing a skin-tight pair of gray snakeskin pants combined with a crimson, low-cut tank top and matching headscarf that held back her golden hair. Large, silver hoops dangled from her ears, and a silver choker necklace was wrapped around her slender neck. Suiza applied her makeup heavily, using scarlet lipstick and silvery-gray eye shadow and mauve blush. She pouted her lips enticingly in her mirror and grinned at herself with approval.
"Alright, gorgeous, now get up against the wall and tell me where the dough is!"
Suiza jumped out of her fake human skin and impulsively charged towards the intruder. She managed to stop herself in time when she saw who had invaded her home.
"Bigfoot! You moron, don't you know how to knock?" Suiza fumed when she saw the gigantic, six-foot, seven-inches tall, muscular, hazel-eyed man standing in the bedroom doorway. He was bald, except for a strip of black hair down the middle, which was braided into a long, thin braid. He had a large jaw line and fat, bulbous nose. His real name was Buford Biggs, but Bigfoot was aptly named because of his size sixteen feet; he had to have all of his shoes custom-made.
"Yeah, sure I do, Suizy," Bigfoot gurgled and grinned. "You do like this." He demonstrated by knocking with his huge fist on Suiza's old walnut dresser.
Suiza threw a blue pillow at him, and it smacked him squarely in his nose. She smirked to herself, however; Bigfoot was one of her oldest friends, a male friend, but never a boyfriend. He was like a brother to her.
Despite Suiza's protests, she was used to her closest friends coming into her house without knocking or even alerting her that they were entering. At that moment, five more people pushed Bigfoot into Suiza's bedroom. One of them was twenty-five -year-old Sara Madelyn Tolliver, better known as "Sassy", was Suiza's best friend who was two months pregnant, but already looked as if she were eight. Sassy had rust-colored hair and huge eyes the same shade of green as the roof on Suiza's house, and she had a huge chest and wide hips, and like Suiza, she liked to wear skin-tight, skimpy outfits. Sassy also had seven piercings in each ear, plus a gold nose ring and a faux diamond tongue ring.
On Sassy's arm was a thin, brown-haired, blue-eyed, freckled eighteen-year-old girl named Ruthie, who was completely blind. Ruthie was the gentlest and quietest out of Suiza's circle of friends, and most people who saw Suiza and her rambunctious friends hang out together wondered how Ruthie managed to fit in with that wild crowd. But they were good to her, and Ruthie lived with Sassy, who looked after her.
Scanlon "Scam" Matthias was two years older than Ruthie, and he was usually in minor trouble with the law at least once or twice a year. Scam was tall and bony with dishwater blond hair, along with a pointed nose and brown eyes. Colorful tattoos decorated his skinny arms. He was always trying to figure out ways to make quick money for himself and his friends, even though most of his get-rich-quick schemes never worked out for long. He was however, a pro at making fake ID's and he was an expert tattoo artist by trade.
Chubby, brown-eyed, red-haired, red-faced Gardner Handley, better known as "Handyman", not only because of his handyman abilities, but because he could not keep his hands to himself when it came to women. He was the group pervert, and he was always either trying to feel on girls or use corny pick-up lines on them. Handyman was Scam's best friend and usually helped him in Scam's numerous schemes.
And last, but not least, there was Beulah "Blue" Mayes, the seductress of the group. Blue had shiny blue-black hair, deep blue eyes, and a tiny, petite figure, and she liked many, many men, preferably rich, handsome men who were muscular and generous and enjoyed a good motorcycle ride. Anytime the women in the group needed advice about men, Blue was the one they turned to, even though Blue was deemed by some people to be a slut. She and Scam had dated off and on, but they had never been serious about each other; they only saw each other when neither one of them had a significant other.
All these people were part of a small, mostly harmless motorcycle gang known as the Leathernecks, of which Suiza was the official leader. Almost all of the Leathernecks liked beer, motorcycling, partying hard, smoking cigarettes and cigars, and making out, in any order. They also loved to rent videos, including cheap porn tapes, of which they would mock and make fun of during the playing. Ruthie was the "good girl" of the group, and abstained from everything except for beer.
"I take it all of you went to the Bigfoot School Of Manners," Suiza told her friends. "Not one of you bothered to knock." Her friends grinned and smirked at each other; Suiza always gave them a hard time about not knocking, but she was mostly joking when she scolded them.
"Sassy dragged me in!" Ruthie protested.
Scam knocked on the doorway of Suiza's bedroom. "There, is that better?" he asked with a grin. The others, even Ruthie, imitated him.
Suiza rolled her eyes. "You'll never change, Scam. None of you will. Anyway, does anyone have a light?"
Scam whipped out a pack of Marlboro Menthol cigarettes and a gray Bic lighter. He lit himself a cigarette and tossed it to Suiza. Sassy then guided Ruthie over to Suiza's unmade bed and settled her down on it. Suiza handed her a lighter, knowing that Sassy was going to smoke a Camel Turkish Jade Light cigarette anytime now. Sassy lit her cigarette and refused a can of beer from Handyman, who then passed them around to everyone out of a twelve-pack of Michelob. Blue settled herself on the floor and lit a strawberry-flavored blunt.
"Hey, you have any more of those?" Suiza asked.
"Sure," Blue told her and tossed her one. Suiza took the lighter back from Sassy and lit her blunt. Ah, there was nothing like a flavored cigar!
"Thanks," Suiza told Blue.
"No prob," Blue said with a sly smile. "So, Suize, Sass tells us that you have a date tonight with some customer from your bike shop."
"Well…he wasn't exactly a customer in my shop, more like a man I picked up," Suiza admitted, inhaling the strawberry aroma of her cigar. She explained the earlier day's events to her friends. "He's a funny fellow, but I like him already. His name's Oolong; I nicknamed him Ooos."
"Oolong? What kind of a name is Oolong?" Scam scoffed.
"A name I like, Scammeister," Suiza told him. "Now he's coming to the bar tonight, and I want all of you to go easy on him. He's new, I think, to our sort of life."
"Hey, before you go anymore about 'Ooos', tell us about Candy Apple Roshi coming into your shop," Sassy insisted. "I wish I could look that good being eight months pregnant." She patted her heavily swollen stomach, sighing wearily. She already looked eight months pregnant; what would happen when she actually reached that point?
"I can't believe a babe like Candy Apple Roshi would want to marry an old man like that hubby," Handyman jeered. "What can a doll like her possibly see in an old, wrinkled fart?"
"You shouldn't talk, Handyman," Sassy mocked. "You'll be like him fifty years from now, but you won't have a sweet, young girl being all jealous of you! Actually, you're already like him now."
"Haha, I've already got me a woman waitin' in the wings," Handyman told her.
"How much did you have to pay her?" Bigfoot joked.
Handyman glared at Bigfoot and threw an empty beer can at him. Bigfoot laughed.
"Hey!" Suiza told him. "Don't mess up my room!"
"Yeah, Suize, you just keep it so neat and clean," Handyman told, looking around her messy bedroom. Suiza was a great businesswoman, but she was not a neat freak. The rest of her home was currently in the same state as her room; she only cleaned once or twice a week. She kept her businesses cleaner than her house.
"Me messing it up is one thing, H-Man. You messing it up is something different altogether," Suiza scolded him.
"Hey, Suize, isn't it about time to go meet So Long, or whatever his name is?" Scam asked her. The red numerals on Suiza's digital bedroom alarm clock read six-forty-five.
"Yeah, that's right!" Suiza told him. "I better run. Are all of you coming with me?"
"To get to know So Long better? Sure, why not?" Scam told her.
"Don't give him too hard of a time, please," Suiza implored him and the rest of her gang.
"Whatever you say, Suizy Q," Bigfoot told her with a grin.
"You know I hate it when you call me that."
Fifteen minutes later…
Oolong in his "Nappa" form, only about a foot shorter, was very proud of himself and content. Puar, his motorcycle for the moment, was not so happy, especially since Oolong kept insisting on "driving" her around the parking lot in front of the Hog Wild Motorcycle Shop And Biker Bar. Puar made a very nice looking motorcycle; "it" was a red-and-white Harley.
"Can we do a wheelie?" Oolong asked her.
"NO!"
"Okay, okay!"
Finally, when Oolong and Puar stopped, Suiza and her friends came out of the biker bar to see what was causing the noise made by Puar the motorcycle. Suiza ran over to Oolong in her high-heeled, black leather boots. "Sweet bike, handsome!" she told him. "When did you get it?"
"Actually…I just got it," Oolong told her breezily. "That's why I was asking you about motorcycles earlier…I just got this one not too long ago, and I needed some advice on it."
"We'll talk bike in my bar," Suiza assured him. "I want to introduce you to my gang, the Leathernecks!"
"Did you say…gang?" Oolong asked and gulped.
Suiza laughed. "Sure, Ooos, but it's not what you think. We just hang out together; I've known many of these kids for years." She casually introduced Oolong to the members in her gang, and all of them encircled the pig-turned-human and the cat-turned-motorcycle.
"Pleased to meet you," Ruthie, resting on Bigfoot's arm, said sweetly.
"Nice to meet you too," Oolong told her.
"Suize has told us all she knows about you," Sassy told him. She then chuckled. "She told us that you like catnip." The others laughed, and Sassy said with a grin, "My lil sis, Ruthie here, has two kitties who regularly OD on the stuff; I'll bring you some of theirs next time we see you."
"Catnip?" Oolong asked, puzzled. Then he remembered Puar. He whispered to his "motorcycle", "Catnip?"
Puar was embarrassed, but there was nothing that she could do or say. After all motorcycles didn't talk.
"Uh, thanks, sure, Sassy," Oolong told her. Sassy chuckled again.
"Meow meow," she teased him.
"I have a cat too," Bigfoot laughed. "I'll also bring you some catnip, along with a couple of cans of Nine Lives Tuna Delight. It's Hefty's favorite, you know."
"No, Whiskas is better," Sassy insisted with a grin. "I not only have Whiskas, I have a wind-up mousie as well. I'll bring that by too."
"C'mon, you two," Suiza told them. "Lay off."
"Sure," Sassy told her, and she nudged Handyman, gesturing to him to do the same. Oolong was visibly relieved when the teasing stopped.
"So, you're So Long," Scam said wickedly to Oolong.
"That's Oolong," Oolong corrected him.
"Leave him alone, Scammy," Blue ordered him. Blue slinked over to Oolong and casually danced her fingers along the white T-shirt under the black leather jacket that he was wearing.
"Suize has great taste in men," she purred. "If you weren't Suize's date, I'd take you for myself."
Oolong laughed nervously at Blue's advances. Sassy promptly pulled Blue away from him and led her over to Ruthie and Bigfoot.
"You wanna a beer?" Handyman asked Oolong.
Oolong didn't normally drink, but he didn't want to look like a wimp in front of Suiza and her friends, so he said, "Yeah, sure, why not?"
"We've got Buds; that okay?" Handyman inquired.
"Uh, yeah, sure," Oolong told them, and then a tiny beep emitted from his watch. He was horrified to learn from his timepiece that his five minutes were almost up.
"So, tell us about yourself, So Long," Scam told Oolong.
"Umm…I have to…go potty!" Oolong exclaimed in fear. He then nudged Puar with his foot and "started" her. "Gotta run, be back…in ten mins!" And with lightening speed, the Leathernecks were forced to disperse, as Oolong and Puar abruptly left and drove behind Suiza's duplex.
"Strange fellow," Blue commented.
"He had to go potty!" Scam mocked.
"Has he ever heard of a john?" Bigfoot jeered.
"Maybe he didn't know we had a public restroom," Ruthie offered kindly.
"Or maybe he had to go home and get his potty chair!" Handyman sneered.
"Or change his diaper!" Scam joked.
"My granny left some Depends the last time she visited. I'll go home and bring some back for him, so he won't have to run away to take a tinkle!" Bigfoot laughed.
"Alright, so he has a bladder problem," Suiza told them, trying to save face for Oolong. "He could have done it out here; leave him be. Y'all go in; I'll go find him."
After her friends entered the bar, Oolong ,in human form once more, emerged quickly from the restroom, wearing a new motorcycle helmet. "Um, sorry to run off like that," he stammered quickly to Suiza, who was now near the bar entrance.
Suiza chuckled. "No prob, Ooos, no prob at all. Only next time, use the restroom inside the bar, 'kay? Someone nearly got arrested on the property last month for urinating in public."
"Yeah, yeah," Oolong panted. "Will do that."
Suiza put her arm around him companionably. "You'll be okay here, I promise. Let's go inside and have a few beers."
Oolong gulped. "Sure thing," he told her, trying to smile. This was going to be a long night. Puar, now the motorcycle helmet on Oolong's head, thought the same thing. They both hoped fervently that all would go well for Oolong. Oolong kept watching his watch worriedly, as they entered the bar.
At about the same time at Kame House, Oolong's bedroom…
"OOLONG, LET ME GOOOO!!" Puar shrieked, as her fellow shape-shifter hugged her fiercely.
"You got me a date, Puar! I finally got a date, thanks to you!" Oolong exclaimed, finally releasing the crushed Puar and jumping up and down for joy. "So, what is she like?"
"She likes to smoke," Puar said immediately. "She's already nicknamed you Ooos. And she says that she likes pigs, so you might have more than a ghost of a chance." She settled herself on the pillow-covered window seat in front of Oolong's only bedroom window.
"All right!" Oolong yelled. He leapt onto his blue-covered bed, laid himself down, and grinned. "This is going to be easier than I thought. All I have to do is go to Suiza's bar looking like Vegeta's old partner, Nappa, just like I looked today, charm her off her feet, and I'm in!" He was trying to think of various clever lines to use on his new amour when Puar's next words brought him back to reality:
"Um, Oolong, aren't you forgetting something?"
"You're right, Puar!" Oolong said brightly. "I have to check to see later what kind of panties that she wears!"
"CRASH!" Puar's small body tumbled off of the window seat in a faint. A few seconds later, when she recovered, she levitated into the air. "No, you perverted swine! That's not it!"
"Then what else can it be?" Oolong wanted to know.
Puar rubbed her aching feline head and sighed, "You can only maintain any shape for only five minutes! What are you going to do when you turn back into a pig right in front of Suiza? No offense, Oolong, but I don't know if any human would be willing to date a pig."
Oolong's face fell. Puar was right; how was he going to be able to keep up his upcoming deception of him being a human man? He racked his porcine brains, trying desperately to think of a way to get in good with Suiza and continue to let her think that he was human. Then he grinned and said happily:
"You'll come with me!"
"NO!" Puar squeaked. "No way!" She had already decided that this sham had gone far enough.
"Please, Puar, I really need your help!" Oolong begged. "I already have it figured out." (Actually he was making his plan up as he went along.) "You'll come as my…motorcycle! That'll save me the trouble of having to buy one myself, and a motorcycle will really impress Suiza! Then when Suiza's back is turned, you'll become my helmet! And-and then when it comes time for me to go back in my regular form, I'll go under the table for some reason, and then we'll switch places, and you'll be me for a while. Then we can switch back after a few minutes. What do you think? Will you help?"
"The kind of help that you need, Oolong, I can't provide," Puar said, frustrated. "However, I'm sure that I can talk to Yamucha, and he can recommend a good psychiatrist…"
"Please, Puar!" Oolong wailed. "I really, really like Suiza already, and I need your help! When you find a guy that you like, I'll do the same for you! Please, please, please, please!"
"Oh, all right!" Puar grumbled. "I'll help you."
Suiza's cottage, right behind the Hog Wild Motorcycle Shop And Biker Bar…
Suiza, having used much of her inheritance from her deceased aunt's estate to start her biker bar and motorcycle shop, had opted to buy the small, apple green, two-bedroom cottage that was only a ten-minute walk from her businesses; she also owned the land that held all of her property. The cottage had a dark-green roof and shutters and door, and morning glory and ivy vines covered at least half of the little house, and there were three worn brick steps leading up to the door. A path of aged, round, mauve stepping-stones made a walkway to the door. Giant pine and willow trees embraced the tiny cottage, providing it constant shade.
Suiza, in her blond-haired, blue-eyed human form, was getting ready for her date with Oolong in her tiny master bedroom. She was wearing a skin-tight pair of gray snakeskin pants combined with a crimson, low-cut tank top and matching headscarf that held back her golden hair. Large, silver hoops dangled from her ears, and a silver choker necklace was wrapped around her slender neck. Suiza applied her makeup heavily, using scarlet lipstick and silvery-gray eye shadow and mauve blush. She pouted her lips enticingly in her mirror and grinned at herself with approval.
"Alright, gorgeous, now get up against the wall and tell me where the dough is!"
Suiza jumped out of her fake human skin and impulsively charged towards the intruder. She managed to stop herself in time when she saw who had invaded her home.
"Bigfoot! You moron, don't you know how to knock?" Suiza fumed when she saw the gigantic, six-foot, seven-inches tall, muscular, hazel-eyed man standing in the bedroom doorway. He was bald, except for a strip of black hair down the middle, which was braided into a long, thin braid. He had a large jaw line and fat, bulbous nose. His real name was Buford Biggs, but Bigfoot was aptly named because of his size sixteen feet; he had to have all of his shoes custom-made.
"Yeah, sure I do, Suizy," Bigfoot gurgled and grinned. "You do like this." He demonstrated by knocking with his huge fist on Suiza's old walnut dresser.
Suiza threw a blue pillow at him, and it smacked him squarely in his nose. She smirked to herself, however; Bigfoot was one of her oldest friends, a male friend, but never a boyfriend. He was like a brother to her.
Despite Suiza's protests, she was used to her closest friends coming into her house without knocking or even alerting her that they were entering. At that moment, five more people pushed Bigfoot into Suiza's bedroom. One of them was twenty-five -year-old Sara Madelyn Tolliver, better known as "Sassy", was Suiza's best friend who was two months pregnant, but already looked as if she were eight. Sassy had rust-colored hair and huge eyes the same shade of green as the roof on Suiza's house, and she had a huge chest and wide hips, and like Suiza, she liked to wear skin-tight, skimpy outfits. Sassy also had seven piercings in each ear, plus a gold nose ring and a faux diamond tongue ring.
On Sassy's arm was a thin, brown-haired, blue-eyed, freckled eighteen-year-old girl named Ruthie, who was completely blind. Ruthie was the gentlest and quietest out of Suiza's circle of friends, and most people who saw Suiza and her rambunctious friends hang out together wondered how Ruthie managed to fit in with that wild crowd. But they were good to her, and Ruthie lived with Sassy, who looked after her.
Scanlon "Scam" Matthias was two years older than Ruthie, and he was usually in minor trouble with the law at least once or twice a year. Scam was tall and bony with dishwater blond hair, along with a pointed nose and brown eyes. Colorful tattoos decorated his skinny arms. He was always trying to figure out ways to make quick money for himself and his friends, even though most of his get-rich-quick schemes never worked out for long. He was however, a pro at making fake ID's and he was an expert tattoo artist by trade.
Chubby, brown-eyed, red-haired, red-faced Gardner Handley, better known as "Handyman", not only because of his handyman abilities, but because he could not keep his hands to himself when it came to women. He was the group pervert, and he was always either trying to feel on girls or use corny pick-up lines on them. Handyman was Scam's best friend and usually helped him in Scam's numerous schemes.
And last, but not least, there was Beulah "Blue" Mayes, the seductress of the group. Blue had shiny blue-black hair, deep blue eyes, and a tiny, petite figure, and she liked many, many men, preferably rich, handsome men who were muscular and generous and enjoyed a good motorcycle ride. Anytime the women in the group needed advice about men, Blue was the one they turned to, even though Blue was deemed by some people to be a slut. She and Scam had dated off and on, but they had never been serious about each other; they only saw each other when neither one of them had a significant other.
All these people were part of a small, mostly harmless motorcycle gang known as the Leathernecks, of which Suiza was the official leader. Almost all of the Leathernecks liked beer, motorcycling, partying hard, smoking cigarettes and cigars, and making out, in any order. They also loved to rent videos, including cheap porn tapes, of which they would mock and make fun of during the playing. Ruthie was the "good girl" of the group, and abstained from everything except for beer.
"I take it all of you went to the Bigfoot School Of Manners," Suiza told her friends. "Not one of you bothered to knock." Her friends grinned and smirked at each other; Suiza always gave them a hard time about not knocking, but she was mostly joking when she scolded them.
"Sassy dragged me in!" Ruthie protested.
Scam knocked on the doorway of Suiza's bedroom. "There, is that better?" he asked with a grin. The others, even Ruthie, imitated him.
Suiza rolled her eyes. "You'll never change, Scam. None of you will. Anyway, does anyone have a light?"
Scam whipped out a pack of Marlboro Menthol cigarettes and a gray Bic lighter. He lit himself a cigarette and tossed it to Suiza. Sassy then guided Ruthie over to Suiza's unmade bed and settled her down on it. Suiza handed her a lighter, knowing that Sassy was going to smoke a Camel Turkish Jade Light cigarette anytime now. Sassy lit her cigarette and refused a can of beer from Handyman, who then passed them around to everyone out of a twelve-pack of Michelob. Blue settled herself on the floor and lit a strawberry-flavored blunt.
"Hey, you have any more of those?" Suiza asked.
"Sure," Blue told her and tossed her one. Suiza took the lighter back from Sassy and lit her blunt. Ah, there was nothing like a flavored cigar!
"Thanks," Suiza told Blue.
"No prob," Blue said with a sly smile. "So, Suize, Sass tells us that you have a date tonight with some customer from your bike shop."
"Well…he wasn't exactly a customer in my shop, more like a man I picked up," Suiza admitted, inhaling the strawberry aroma of her cigar. She explained the earlier day's events to her friends. "He's a funny fellow, but I like him already. His name's Oolong; I nicknamed him Ooos."
"Oolong? What kind of a name is Oolong?" Scam scoffed.
"A name I like, Scammeister," Suiza told him. "Now he's coming to the bar tonight, and I want all of you to go easy on him. He's new, I think, to our sort of life."
"Hey, before you go anymore about 'Ooos', tell us about Candy Apple Roshi coming into your shop," Sassy insisted. "I wish I could look that good being eight months pregnant." She patted her heavily swollen stomach, sighing wearily. She already looked eight months pregnant; what would happen when she actually reached that point?
"I can't believe a babe like Candy Apple Roshi would want to marry an old man like that hubby," Handyman jeered. "What can a doll like her possibly see in an old, wrinkled fart?"
"You shouldn't talk, Handyman," Sassy mocked. "You'll be like him fifty years from now, but you won't have a sweet, young girl being all jealous of you! Actually, you're already like him now."
"Haha, I've already got me a woman waitin' in the wings," Handyman told her.
"How much did you have to pay her?" Bigfoot joked.
Handyman glared at Bigfoot and threw an empty beer can at him. Bigfoot laughed.
"Hey!" Suiza told him. "Don't mess up my room!"
"Yeah, Suize, you just keep it so neat and clean," Handyman told, looking around her messy bedroom. Suiza was a great businesswoman, but she was not a neat freak. The rest of her home was currently in the same state as her room; she only cleaned once or twice a week. She kept her businesses cleaner than her house.
"Me messing it up is one thing, H-Man. You messing it up is something different altogether," Suiza scolded him.
"Hey, Suize, isn't it about time to go meet So Long, or whatever his name is?" Scam asked her. The red numerals on Suiza's digital bedroom alarm clock read six-forty-five.
"Yeah, that's right!" Suiza told him. "I better run. Are all of you coming with me?"
"To get to know So Long better? Sure, why not?" Scam told her.
"Don't give him too hard of a time, please," Suiza implored him and the rest of her gang.
"Whatever you say, Suizy Q," Bigfoot told her with a grin.
"You know I hate it when you call me that."
Fifteen minutes later…
Oolong in his "Nappa" form, only about a foot shorter, was very proud of himself and content. Puar, his motorcycle for the moment, was not so happy, especially since Oolong kept insisting on "driving" her around the parking lot in front of the Hog Wild Motorcycle Shop And Biker Bar. Puar made a very nice looking motorcycle; "it" was a red-and-white Harley.
"Can we do a wheelie?" Oolong asked her.
"NO!"
"Okay, okay!"
Finally, when Oolong and Puar stopped, Suiza and her friends came out of the biker bar to see what was causing the noise made by Puar the motorcycle. Suiza ran over to Oolong in her high-heeled, black leather boots. "Sweet bike, handsome!" she told him. "When did you get it?"
"Actually…I just got it," Oolong told her breezily. "That's why I was asking you about motorcycles earlier…I just got this one not too long ago, and I needed some advice on it."
"We'll talk bike in my bar," Suiza assured him. "I want to introduce you to my gang, the Leathernecks!"
"Did you say…gang?" Oolong asked and gulped.
Suiza laughed. "Sure, Ooos, but it's not what you think. We just hang out together; I've known many of these kids for years." She casually introduced Oolong to the members in her gang, and all of them encircled the pig-turned-human and the cat-turned-motorcycle.
"Pleased to meet you," Ruthie, resting on Bigfoot's arm, said sweetly.
"Nice to meet you too," Oolong told her.
"Suize has told us all she knows about you," Sassy told him. She then chuckled. "She told us that you like catnip." The others laughed, and Sassy said with a grin, "My lil sis, Ruthie here, has two kitties who regularly OD on the stuff; I'll bring you some of theirs next time we see you."
"Catnip?" Oolong asked, puzzled. Then he remembered Puar. He whispered to his "motorcycle", "Catnip?"
Puar was embarrassed, but there was nothing that she could do or say. After all motorcycles didn't talk.
"Uh, thanks, sure, Sassy," Oolong told her. Sassy chuckled again.
"Meow meow," she teased him.
"I have a cat too," Bigfoot laughed. "I'll also bring you some catnip, along with a couple of cans of Nine Lives Tuna Delight. It's Hefty's favorite, you know."
"No, Whiskas is better," Sassy insisted with a grin. "I not only have Whiskas, I have a wind-up mousie as well. I'll bring that by too."
"C'mon, you two," Suiza told them. "Lay off."
"Sure," Sassy told her, and she nudged Handyman, gesturing to him to do the same. Oolong was visibly relieved when the teasing stopped.
"So, you're So Long," Scam said wickedly to Oolong.
"That's Oolong," Oolong corrected him.
"Leave him alone, Scammy," Blue ordered him. Blue slinked over to Oolong and casually danced her fingers along the white T-shirt under the black leather jacket that he was wearing.
"Suize has great taste in men," she purred. "If you weren't Suize's date, I'd take you for myself."
Oolong laughed nervously at Blue's advances. Sassy promptly pulled Blue away from him and led her over to Ruthie and Bigfoot.
"You wanna a beer?" Handyman asked Oolong.
Oolong didn't normally drink, but he didn't want to look like a wimp in front of Suiza and her friends, so he said, "Yeah, sure, why not?"
"We've got Buds; that okay?" Handyman inquired.
"Uh, yeah, sure," Oolong told them, and then a tiny beep emitted from his watch. He was horrified to learn from his timepiece that his five minutes were almost up.
"So, tell us about yourself, So Long," Scam told Oolong.
"Umm…I have to…go potty!" Oolong exclaimed in fear. He then nudged Puar with his foot and "started" her. "Gotta run, be back…in ten mins!" And with lightening speed, the Leathernecks were forced to disperse, as Oolong and Puar abruptly left and drove behind Suiza's duplex.
"Strange fellow," Blue commented.
"He had to go potty!" Scam mocked.
"Has he ever heard of a john?" Bigfoot jeered.
"Maybe he didn't know we had a public restroom," Ruthie offered kindly.
"Or maybe he had to go home and get his potty chair!" Handyman sneered.
"Or change his diaper!" Scam joked.
"My granny left some Depends the last time she visited. I'll go home and bring some back for him, so he won't have to run away to take a tinkle!" Bigfoot laughed.
"Alright, so he has a bladder problem," Suiza told them, trying to save face for Oolong. "He could have done it out here; leave him be. Y'all go in; I'll go find him."
After her friends entered the bar, Oolong ,in human form once more, emerged quickly from the restroom, wearing a new motorcycle helmet. "Um, sorry to run off like that," he stammered quickly to Suiza, who was now near the bar entrance.
Suiza chuckled. "No prob, Ooos, no prob at all. Only next time, use the restroom inside the bar, 'kay? Someone nearly got arrested on the property last month for urinating in public."
"Yeah, yeah," Oolong panted. "Will do that."
Suiza put her arm around him companionably. "You'll be okay here, I promise. Let's go inside and have a few beers."
Oolong gulped. "Sure thing," he told her, trying to smile. This was going to be a long night. Puar, now the motorcycle helmet on Oolong's head, thought the same thing. They both hoped fervently that all would go well for Oolong. Oolong kept watching his watch worriedly, as they entered the bar.