Disclaimer: In the first chapter.
To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)
Chapter Five:
Real Lies
"Where is she…?"
That single, simple statement perfectly mirrored what was on his mind as he looked through the house for sight of the girl. While he could never admit it, he had gotten used to sleeping next to Mana so it wasn't easy to rest without her beside him.
As he knocked on the bathroom door and hoped for a reply, he started to think of where she could have went. She had to know better than he did that they were in the middle of nowhere, it would take at least a full day of walking till the house wasn't in sight and even then he wasn't sure how far the field of grass extended.
Moving on to look through the other rooms, he figured that it was a chance that maybe she did know it would take that long and left him because of his condition.
Shinji held up the lit candle he brought with him and looked into the guest bedroom. No sight of her but a quick glance at the desk showed him where she kept the first aid stuff. He sighed as he walked into the room for the first time, "Maybe she really did leave me behind…"
She probably went to get groceries. That's where she returned from when they first encountered each other. Now that he was more than certain about her destination, he started to worry even more. What if something happened to her and why did she have to go at night? He wouldn't know and wouldn't even be able to go look since he has no idea where she went exactly.
Worrying about it wouldn't do anything but grate on his nerves. If he found something to do then it'd not only make it feel like she got back faster but it was also save her from doing something he could do.
With that in mind, he took a seat on the bed and a small cloud of dust that rose up. Shinji coughed a bit but, while he waved the dust away, a thought of what he could do in the meantime can to mind.
Standing back up, Shinji walked over to the desk and placed the candle on top of it.
The melting candle was witness to his task as he cleaned up. Fallen books were placed back on the bookshelf, the dusty bed was properly made, and Shinji used the broom he got from the kitchen to sweep the floor.
Despite what most people seemed to think, Shinji never liked cleaning. It was just that it was hard for him to concentrate on thinking when he was preoccupied with something and cleaning the room did that well. It wasn't long until the room was relatively clean but that fact escaped him as he saw a familiar briefcase on the side of the desk.
He raked his mind trying to recall where he saw it and remembered.
It was exactly like the one Asuka carried to school.
Curious, he moved closer to it and grabbed it as a thought came to mind. Sure, he wanted to see what was inside but, deep down, he hoped it was Mana's briefcase just so he wouldn't be faced with the fact that it probably belonged to a girl that wouldn't be coming back for it because of something he did.
He placed it on top of the desk on the side of the candle and unlocked the hatch. It wasn't until the contents of the briefcase were scattered across the desk that he saw that it did indeed belong to his girlfriend.
Most of the books and files were obviously from school but there was something that caught his eye. Shinji stared at her diary and the small, gold plated lock that kept it away from prying eyes gleamed in the candlelight. It wasn't so much that he ever considered reading it in the first place but the fact that it was locked.
Of course, there was nothing at all wrong with her having a lock on the diary but, for some reason he couldn't explain, he suddenly felt a bit insulted. Did she think that he wasn't trustworthy?
Shinji sighed as he turned his attention away from the diary. He was thinking too much again. This was one case where he just had to take it at face value. The diary more than likely just came with a lock and she left it there.
Moving on, he caught sight of a yearbook and smiled as he picked it up. Just the sight of the book made him remember the goofy pictures Touji and Kensuke showed him from their yearbook. It was a fond memory only made bitter at the thought that they never had a chance to take pictures for the new one.
However, Shinji had things more pressing on his mind than that, "Why does Mana have a yearbook when she came after I did…?"
That splitting headache returned with a vengeance. He dropped the book and stumbled backwards, ultimately causing him to fall down on the floor. While he had no idea why he was suddenly getting headaches, he had no explanation at all for the sight in front of him.
Clutching his head as he crawled towards the yearbook, he verified what he thought he saw. Shinji fought to keep from blacking out as he flipped through the blank pages of the book but the headache eventually overwhelmed him…
0
She was humming.
Shinji slowly opened his eyes and watched Mana as she folded clothes. Sitting in front of the window he always liked to look out of, she peacefully hummed a song he never heard before but that didn't at all mean that he didn't like it.
When he sat up in the bed, she stopped what she was doing and came to the side of the bed, "Are you alright…? I found you lying on the floor in the guest bedroom."
"Mana…" He looked directly at her, pausing as he reconsidered asking the question but did anyway, "Where were you?"
"I asked you if you-"
"Please." Shinji said softly, breaking up her statement in the process, "Can you tell me where you went?"
She knew this was going to come eventually but that didn't mean she was prepared for it. All the while, she knew that telling him the truth would ruin everything. If she shared what she knew there was no telling what could happen.
"I took a walk."
He turned away from her, "You're lying…"
It was becoming more and more difficult to hide. Shinji was starting to get wise and her tricks weren't good enough to fool him anymore. The idea of telling him now was starting to sound more and more appealing as opposed to the constant lying but she knew he wasn't going to like it.
Mana placed her hand on top of his and stared deep into his different color eyes, "Shinji, listen to me. I'm going to tell you something but, before I do that remember, you said you loved me." She continued, her words leaving him with the impression that what she was about to say was going to have a serious impact on him.
"I…"
Quietly, he looked back into her eyes with faith that the news couldn't be that bad.
"I…"
She could tell from the look in his eyes that he wasn't ready but she had to tell him. The longer she held out, the harder it would be to tell him so she had no choice but to do it.
"I… I went to your entry plug to see if it had another first aid kit. You're getting better but I'm running out of medicine and bandages."
The lie was so obvious that she couldn't even look at him as she said it. The moment she was about to tell him the truth, her resolve dropped from under her and she was forced to make something up on the spot.
"Oh… You didn't want me to think I was seriously hurt so you didn't want me to know?"
He wanted to believe her so much that he helped her with the lie and it hurt so much more than just lying to him herself. However, the worst part about it was that she knew more questions like theses were destined to come. Hoping that he would never figure it out was simply wishful thinking on her part. She was only prolonging the inevitable now.
"About that yearbook, I… ugh."
Her eyes went wide with shock as he brought up something he wasn't supposed to, "Forget about it!"
"H-Huh?" The intensity of her voice brought him back to his senses. Something was obviously wrong, "Why… Why do you want… me… to..."
Shinji blacked out and Mana watched as he fell back on the bed. With a concerned expression, she used her finger to sweep a stray strain of hair from in front of his eyes.
"You're trying too hard."
0
For the second time today, he slowly opened his eyes and the first thing he laid his eyes on was the open window. Carefully, he slipped from under the arm Mana had draped over him and successfully got out of the bed without waking her.
A chilly breeze came through the window and Shinji shivered. Briefly, he considered getting back in the bed and just going to sleep but that was something he couldn't do now that a chance presented itself.
Curiosity wasn't the only reason this time…
Without a doubt, he had to know exactly what was happening and he had to find out before those headaches came. Using his resolve as a platform, Shinji didn't even bother to look behind him as he walked out of the room and down the hall to the guest bedroom.
He twisted the knob and the door squeaked open.
Shinji walked into the darkness and felt around on the desk until he found what he was looking for. He reached in his pocket for a match and lit the candle causing the room to once again be illuminated by the soft light.
Now that he could see, it was easy to tell that the room was still in the same state he left it in but he didn't care that he never finished cleaning it up. Quickly, he came across the diary on the floor and remembered that it was locked.
Pausing to wonder if he should really do it or not, Shinji lifted the book and slammed it against the desk. The cheap lock broke easily and he opened the diary, already beginning to feel the onset of his headache.
Sadly, his search was not in vain and it was just as he thought. The black lines on the pink paper had nothing written on top of them, "It's blank…"
The diary was thrown to the floor as he reached for the history book and discovered that it too had blank pages. He was about to pick up the English book until he noticed that something was blocking his light.
It was a shadow… Her shadow…
"What are you doing?"
Her voice was just as cold as the look in her eyes but that didn't at all cause him to falter. Shinji threw the book he held back on the ground and stood up to face his girlfriend, "Why are the pages blank?"
"Why do you need to know?"
Frustrated with the lies, Shinji walked passed her without saying anything but she grabbed his forearm, "Do you know what you're doing Shinji?"
"I'm trying to find out what's going on… since you won't tell me."
Now she was starting to get angry.
He had no idea how much work she put into keeping her secret and, not knowing a thing, he opted to overlook her in his search to find out things he didn't need to know. With her temper flaring, Mana let go of his arm, "I'll tell you then."
"Why are the books blank?" She shrugged, folding her arms in front of her chest as she spoke, "Maybe because you haven't thought about what you wanted to see in them."
Shinji could tell she was upset and he could deal with that but it was here words that left him in complete confusion, "What does that mean…?"
"Do you know why you really like looking outside Shinji?"
She answered another question with a question but he shook his head regardless. Mana sighed as she looked down at the books on the floor that supposedly belonged to her, "It's because you want to leave… Ever since you've been here, you have wanted to leave."
"H-How can you say that? You-"
"Don't know what I'm thinking?" She bent over and picked up her diary, looking through the blank pages as she spoke, "I do Shinji…"
This had to be a dream… No, it was a dream. There was no way that this could be real but the sound of the diary falling on the ground snapped him out of his delusions. Mana stood back up and walked up to him. Neither of the classmates said anything. One too shocked to even comprehend what was going on and the other knowing that this marked a drastic change in their relationship.
"You're scared, huh?" Mana whispered, surprised that he didn't run away yet.
Shinji didn't reply and she already knew why. Tenderly, she rubbed her hand on the side of his face and caught him as he fell forward. She knew why he was having those headaches but she wouldn't help him. While the thought was indeed cruel, Mana held him as he struggled to stay awake, "Are you still awake?"
"Mana… you…"
"I'm not going to let you just walk away from me Shinji..."
She was completely serious. If he stayed because of his own free will then things would be fine but she was not afraid to stop him from leaving her alone. She also knew she was selfish but there was more to it than that.
There was a lot more to it than just her feelings…
0
"Mana…?"
Still woozy, Shinji fought to get up but the headache while not as painful was still present. Instead of sitting up, he looked at the girl who sat at the end of the bed with her back turned to him.
"Mana?" He said weakly as he gave up trying to move.
"Do you hate me now…?" She asked, her back still facing him as she spoke.
Did he hate her for this? No… He couldn't say that but he just wanted to know why. Why was he having these headaches? Why did she know that stuff? He had so many questions he wanted to ask her but that didn't at all mean that his feelings for her changed.
"I don't hate you." Shinji opted to look at the ceiling instead of her, "At all..."
There wasn't any more talking.
The open window invited the occasional breeze inside and the flame atop the candle was eventually blown out. Neither of the two said anything as a blanket of darkness fell on the room softened only by the moonlight that filtered through the clouds.
Besides the sound of the wind, Shinji noticed he could hear something that sounded like scratching. His line of sight fell back on Mana and, even though it was dark, he could tell that her hand was moving.
She was writing something.
"Are you mad at me?"
"I was but," Mana paused for moment as she finished what she was doing, "I'm glad you don't hate me."
She threw something in the air towards him and it landed on his chest. Straining to see what it was, he noticed that it looked familiar, "You didn't have to throw it so hard… Is that your diary?"
"Shinji," Mana crawled back up towards him and spoke as she started to undress, "I wrote some stuff in it and I'm going to keep doing it everyday from now on."
He turned away from her to sleep on his side, "Why? What does that have to do with anything…?"
She touched him.
Shinji could feel her arm sliding under him but made no mention of it. She reached her other arm over him and entwined her arms around him, pressing herself into his back as she embraced him.
"I know you have some things you want to ask me Shinji and I… I don't think I'll answer them for you but," She paused, taking some time to regain her composure, "If you ever think I don't love you anymore then read it."
Was it that bad?
No matter what she said or did to him, he wasn't just going to suddenly stop feeling like this for her. There were times when he would probably get angry but that didn't mean he wouldn't love her anymore.
It was too late to just disconnect from her. They were tied to each other by a link beyond words and actions and it wasn't something that was easily broken. If there was a chance that finding out what was going on could break that bond then would it be right to pursue it? Would it be right to continue his search when it bothered her this much? Was it worth knowing if she didn't want him to know?
Did needing to know outweigh treating her right?
Shinji looked at the diary he held already knowing that he'd never again have a reason to look at its contents. He tossed it on the floor, "I'm sorry for making you sad Mana…"
"It's okay." She smiled as she pulled him closer to her, "As long as you stay with-"
"But I'm leaving…" Shinji finished, his eyes firmly set on the open window.
He said it…
Those were the only words that she couldn't forgive him for.
Regardless of that, they stayed together in the bed. He laid there in her embrace and she kept him close to her, both of them already knowing that this was probably the last time they would find comfort in one another.
Nothing needed to be said. When he could get up, he was going to leave and she was going to stop him. As long as he was willing to be beside her then she would accept him but, when he woke, she knew that wouldn't be the case.
"I'm not going to let you leave…"
Continued…
Preview:
With her words, his understanding falls apart but, with his actions, her world unravels. Their feelings are intact but he yearns to break free from the very girl who holds him close. Now, only sad things can ensue…
Final chapter: Lovesick
"I'll love you… even if you hate me."
Author's Note: Remix, how I love thee. ;.; Either way, things are almost finished. I hope everyone likes what I have planned.