Chapter 4 - Light Years From Here
14/10/5

"My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with"

The night passed slowly in the caves. Jack returned just after sundown, returned with a rapid gait and fractured heart and ignored the smiles offered to him. Charlie had trotted up, no doubt to quiz Jack on his and Kate's golf session; but he was stopped in his tracks but something deep in Jack's eyes. Something like hurt, or disbelief; something like waking up to find that perfect, photographic moment was nothing but a dream.

Jack slept in sharp snatches, always dozing off only to see Sawyer holding her, his sandy hair against her chestnut, their frames drawn together. How could he have been so stupid? He blinked repeatedly in the still, invisible air beside the cave entrance, trying to clear his mind and trying to stop replaying the scene over and over. But had she not been flirting with him? Had she not looked so… so happy, so relaxed, when they were playing golf? Jack couldn't recall the last time he had seen Kate give so wide a smile as she had repeatedly had this afternoon. He blinked. Was it as long ago as before he knew the truth about her? Before the mug shots and the marshall dying and the suitcase with that toy plane… weeks ago. Weeks since she had relaxed around him for more than a few stolen moments.

The embers of the fire were still glowing as Jack walked over to them. He threw a shirt over his shoulders and pulled on his khaki boardies, sitting down heavily on the smooth rock beside the waterfall. It was pitch black apart from that tiny pile of kindling, no moon in the solid onyx sky. It felt wrong; the calm of the night, the patchwork quilt of stars above his crown, that twinkling dot to dot… and him between the land and the sea and the infinite sky, him seething and angry and upset and tormented. Cheated. Oh, Kate didn't owe him anything. She hadn't said she wanted him or needed him or loved him. But he had seen it, that look like a fear fading as he had laid his hand on her cheek; something like relief and letting go. So why, then? Why running away and why to Sawyer's open arms?

"Stop it." He wished it was her voice. He wished it was Kate, to tell him he was being stupid, or that he had been dreaming all along. But it Jack's own voice, his mind commanding itself. Stop thinking about it. He'd get no answers tonight, and wasn't sure he wanted any. Jack felt a tear slide from his eyelash, burning over the scratches upon his cheek, soaking into the rough stubble before finally curving under his mandible. An angry hand brushed away the emotion. He was so tired of letting people in only for them to hurt him. His whole life, spent trying to impress his father, that hard steel man who only gave Jack any praise when he needed his son's help. His mother… Jack doubted he would ever figure the woman out. Cold and unfeeling, ever putting her child down, even when he reached medical school, even as he devoted his life to saving others. He felt diminished simply standing in the same room as them both. Jack had wondered more than once, through his adolescent years and even on the flight over to Sydney; what if he had truly ever done something to make them so unreachable? What if he turned to drugs or never bothered at school, or Smurfed around and Smurfed up and Smurfed off. He'd felt cheated by them, all his life, cheated out of praise and emotion and disregarded whenever he let tears fall. He'd vowed not to leave himself vulnerable again. Vowed to not feel cheated or used for his goodness, for the way he lay his heart out for all to see, again.

And so he hadn't. Jack was all too aware how aloof he could be now, how distant; he remembered that night after the cave collapsed. How Kate had so gently laid her homemade sling over his neck and placed his arm inside it; her fingers so delicate, so caring. He had felt so close to her in that moment. Close enough to let himself feel a little bit. Hurley and Michael had told him how she had fallen into camp, her heart on her sleeve, the fear in her voice and blazing in her eyes. How she wouldn't stop digging for hours, even for a mouthful of water. He had seen for himself the way she tumbled, on the brink of exhaustion, from the pile of rubble and into his arms. How she wouldn't let him out of her sight all evening. And then just as they were making steps towards each other, he had broken the spell by asking why she wouldn't leave the beach. He had visibly seen her eyes lose that sparkle, felt the cool air that suddenly formed between them. That distance he had to have around himself, pushing her away; and Kate, too used to running and never letting anyone in, let herself go. Let him go.

And now; how long had she been with Sawyer? He couldn't believe she would go to him, that smarmy sarcasm he oozed, that edge of malice. Maybe Kate went for the bad boy. Maybe that's why her ex had wound up dead. Hell, maybe that was why she had refused point blank to move over to the caves. At the beach, she and Sawyer didn't have to deal with him. They could sneak about far more easily, just wander up the coast a little way or dive two foot into the jungle and behind a tree. Jack ached to think of it. Her spirit, that spirit he had held in his arms just hours ago, that spirit that had fascinated him and bewildered him; not his to think of at all. Not his to wonder of, as he pictured it mingling with Sawyer's own black soul, drowning her.

Jack shook his head, clearing his mind. No doubt he'd run into her at some point, and he didn't even want to think of the moment, the awkwardness, the jealously he knew he wouldn't be able to hide. He gazed up to the heavens, the night splintered with stars, staring into the past and present and future all at once. He wondered if somewhere in all that infinity, somewhere far beyond this galaxy and this lifetime, there was another world just like this; a world where the same plane had crashed and the same people had survived. But maybe in that world she hadn't pulled away from his caress. Maybe in another world he had leaned in to kiss her, and her breath had caught as their lips met; maybe in that world, instead of sitting alone, she was curled up in his arms and they were deep in peaceful sleep. Maybe, somewhere even further from here and this moment, there was no Oceanic Airlines Flight 815. He was getting coffee and had spun around, in a rush to get to work, and nearly run into her; he asked her out to lunch 'to make up for it'. Lunch ran into dinner and dinner ran into talking all night about everything they never thought they'd tell another. And that night ran into forever.

The next moment Jack knew it was the edge of morning, the stars fading into approaching daylight. His neck ached from lying on bare rock; Locke, up for his early morning hunt, was looking at him oddly from the other side of the clearing. Jack arched his back and stretched out his abs, thought of those endless dreams of distant worlds. And he forced himself back into this one, where the Kate he had formed in his mind didn't really exist, and the one who did… the one who did, he was on the island, and most likely at the beach, for there was nowhere else to go with the state her feet were in. But he didn't know about her feet, Kate realised. Maybe he had come to speak to her. Maybe he had come to shout at her for running off and giving him no explanation. Maybe she should go to him first, for it was she who had left.

The wind caught the loose strands of hair around her face as she walked slowly out from behind her shelter. He was floating atop the water now, allowing the gentle rhythm of the waves to carry him as they wished. The tide was coming in and by the time Kate reached the water's edge, Jack was maybe less than fifty metres from her. Close enough to sense her. Close enough to hear her tentative words.

"Jack." She wanted to run back up the beach and hide again. She wanted to hide until rescue came and then turn herself in. Anything, anything at all, would surely be easier than this.

His eyes cracked open. He could see her silhouette upon the shoreline, the sun blazing behind her, but each time Jack tried to see her face properly the sun would blind him. But he knew it was Kate. He knew her voice and awkward stance, even how each piece of unruly hair would flutter away, no matter how many times she tucked it behind an ear.

"Kate." He realised how close he was to shore and stood up in the water, shading his eyes and seeing her properly. She looked terrified. Really terrified. His heart ached and hardened, all in the same moment. "Kate, I don't-"

"Wait." She cut him off. "I need to explain. Why I ran off. Why I had to leave."

Jack laughed bitterly as he waded in his jeans, heavy and solid with saltwater, back to the white hot sand. "Oh, don't worry. I know why you left."

Kate's mind reeled, confusion setting in. How could he? He couldn't possibly know about Tom or her fears or how inferior she sometimes felt when they were together. "Jack, I don't understand…"

"You don't understand? You don't? How do you think I'm feeling then, Kate?" The anger spilled out of him. The jealousy and pain of giving her a piece of his heart, only for it to be stamped on. That image of her in Sawyer's embrace.

She took a step back. She and Jack had had disagreements but this was different. This wasn't her not moving to the caves or him being tactless and unfeeling. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to it's just, Jack…" Kate swallowed. "There's so much you don't know. So much I want to tell you but I just get scared. You don't know. You don't know what it's done to me, being on the run and…" She blinked back the hot tears which threatened. "I've done so much I'm ashamed of. Half the time all I want is to walk into the ocean and not bother surfacing again. I just seem to hurt you."

"Why, Kate?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you hurt me? Is it on purpose? 'Cause it sure seems like it sometimes. All day yesterday all I was looking forward to was spending some time with you, and then on the golf course you just looked so…" Jack gazed into the distance. "Happy. You looked happy. So forgive me but I don't get why you then run off to…" He stopped himself.

Kate stepped forward. She hated seeing him like this. She needed to explain, but there were just too many words. She felt saturated, drowning in her own history and tears spilled long ago. "Jack… Jack, I don't want to hurt you, I never want to hurt you. I'm sorry. There's so much I need to explain. So many things I need to tell you."

"You sure it's me you should be telling them to?" He sneered. It was like a barrier for him. It would be too easy to go to her glassy eyes and wrap her in his embrace. He could see the sorrow and confusion in her eyes but wouldn't let himself go there again. There was too much pain, even now, when she wasn't his and never had been.

"Who... What?" Was he still so absorbed in the knowledge that she had, weeks and weeks ago, made out with Sawyer to get Shannon's inhalers? "Are you talking abut Sawyer?"

Jack gave a sarcastic smile. "Well done, Kate. You got us both. Is this what you do? Go around Smurfing people's lives up?"

Kate's mind reeled. It flipped and turned upon itself and still none of this made sense. The kiss happened… Christ, it was so long ago she could barely remember it. She had known Jack wasn't exactly happy about it, but was sure he would have mentioned all this to her before now if it had truly upset him this much. "Jack, what are you talking about?"

"I saw you, Kate. You lead me on all day, after weeks of us both knowing there's this... connection. I let you in, and then all the time you're…!" He was shouting now. He hadn't meant to shout, and could visibly see her shutting down, her arms folded over her chest, her whole posture curved and eyes to the sand.

"All the time I'm what, Jack?" Her voice was so small next to his. So small and fragile and confused.

"It doesn't matter anymore. I don't own you. You don't have to answer to me. I just thought you had more decency than this." He started walking away from her, turned his back to her pale face. "I thought I knew you, even a little. Guess I was wrong."

She was about to let him go. This was what she did, wasn't it? Hurt people, and move on. Kate Austin in five words. But she wanted to know what Jack was talking about. She needed to know what it was she had done, so specifically, for his words didn't tally with her merely running off and leaving the moment. "Jack!" she cried, running through the sand after him, the frustration of sinking further into the silky particles. He stopped.

"What is it, Kate? We've fully established that you don't want to be close to me, that you've already made your decision about relationships on this island."

She caught up with him just as he was about to turn back to the trail. She grabbed his forearm, forced him to turn to her. And once she touched him, that bare damp skin, she didn't let go. She couldn't make herself.

"Tell me. Tell me what on earth you think I've done."

"You're trying to tell me you don't know?"

"Jack, I've no idea what you're speaking about."

He tried to move away, move her arm. He didn't want to say his name. He didn't want to speak about this. "Kate, let go."

"Not until you tell me what I've done!"

He gripped her fingers, not too tightly but just enough to try and relieve her grip. "You know, Kate."

"What? The kiss weeks and weeks ago? The kiss that meant nothing, then or now? The kiss with-"

Sawyer tore out of the jungle. He had seen Jack's grip on Kate's arm, the distress in her eyes, her raised voice. He barrelled into his opponent, sending Jack flying across the sand, the white grains instantly gripping the wet fabric of his denims. Jack was below Sawyer, his mind still trying to catch up with being horizontal with a fist descending into his nose. "Don't you touch her!"

Jack reacted just in time, Sawyer's punch finding only the sand before Jack rolled him. Oh, he was up for this. If Sawyer wanted a fight, he'd get one. Jack's fist smashed into the southerner's face, his nose erupting with blood and a grunt spilling from his throat. Shocked that Jack had landed the first blow, Sawyer head butted the man above him, splitting Jack's lip and causing a rapid ooze of blood to trickle down his chin. He grabbed Jack's shoulders and pushed him off, both men quickly standing and wiping blood from backs of hands to garments.

"What the Smurf you doing, Sawyer?"

"Oh, I know, Jacko. You're the hero, the good doctor. You'd never hurt a woman, but hey look, here ya are doing just that."

"I wasn't…" Had he been? Had his grip be so tight on Kate's fingers?

Sawyer caught Jack off guard, landing a sharp lefthander just above Jack's eyebrow and opening an old wound.

Sawyer grimaced. "She deserves better than you, Doc."

"What, you? You're the answer, are you? How long's it been going on, Sawyer?"

"Jacko. What are you jabbering about." Sawyer ducked Jack's extended fist.

"You and Kate! I saw you!"

"STOP!" A voice screamed from the sidelines. Kate collided with the two of them, her tiny frame somehow stronger than either man, a million thoughts forming and disseminating all at once.

"Freckles? Me and Freckles?" Sawyer guffawed. "What pills you been taking doc?"

Jack turned to Kate and the expression on her face. It was a mixture of anger and confusion and something else, something he couldn't find under the pain. "Yesterday." Jack explained. "Yesterday, after you… after you ran off. I followed you. And found you two… together."

Sawyer sighed, something like resignation in his voice. "Jesus, Jacko, I was only giving your girl a hug 'cause she was upset and crying. Now I'm not saying I wouldn't mind things going further than that, but let's face it, it ain't gonna happen." Sawyer turned to Kate, her concern at his nose. The pain smarted through him but Sawyer knew it wasn't broken. Jack hadn't hit him hard enough for that. He had felt him hold back. "Freckles. I'm gonna leave you two to it." He gave Jack a final glare before departing. "Don't you touch her, or hurt her, in any way, right?"

Jack nodded despite himself. The shame flooded him. Why had he jumped to conclusions? He looked down, guilt and sorrow threading slowly through him. And it was then he noticed Kate's feet. They were cut, scraped, dried blood still atop cuts which could so easily get infected. "Kate. Your feet." He breathed the word, and knew he had no right to. The blood from his punctured lip bubbled, and he could taste the sickly iron upon his tongue.

Kate didn't know what to say. She didn't even know what she felt anymore. All the feelings she had had before; they had been enough to deal with, but now she had Jack mistrusting her, thinking she had gone to Sawyer? The anger and disappointment, and just sadness, filled her up. "Jack… I don't know how to deal with this right now." She turned from him. "I'm sorry I ran away. But it wasn't to Sawyer and it wasn't from you… it was from what I was afraid I could do to you." She met his eyes, stared deep into those pools so filled with regret, could see the ache within him to erase the last hour of time. "I've hurt so many people in my life. More than hurt. And you… you spend your whole life fixing people and making them better. And I'm so so broken." The last words brought tears, hot swollen tear drops which carved like an engraving into the smooth skin of her cheek. "There's so much you don't knsn't sure he knew at all.

The rest of the day passed like a train at full throttle; he saw none of it clearly, blurred faces and words that didn't register. Shannon came through from the beach just after midday, her breathing heavy and face a deep crimson. And it didn't register. It was like a memory blank. He could see her gasping and looking to him, could see Sayid's concern and confusion at Jack's lack of action; but it was Sun who skipped delicately over, who crushed up the eucalyptus, who told Shannon to relax and spread the paste over her sternum. Jack stood to the side, watched the whole action like it was a scene from a movie. He just couldn't make himself step forward or form the words. His whole mind was full of Sawyer's smiling face.

"Dude… are you, like, okay?" It was Hurley's voice who cut through the whispers and frowning faces.

Jack whipped round to him. The question acted like a knife, slicing through the haze suffocating him. "I'm fine. I'm…. I've just gotta get out of here." He looked to Sun apologetically, and the gentle woman nodded that she had things under control.

Jack strode out of camp, forceful strides silently commanding a path through the crowd formed around Shannon. His fists were clenched at his sides. His back was slick with sweat, and he could feel the anger rising like nausea. Anger at Kate, and at Sawyer, but most of all anger at himself. For letting her in, and making her run. His walk turned to a jog, then a run, until Jack was sprinting into the ocean, his feet flying through the cooling water and body saturated. His arms ploughed through the choppy waves, until he was deep enough to float under the surface. The waves plummeted above him but Jack felt none of the impact, floating in abeyance, at peace.

"I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Not anymore
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here"

Kate was hidden under a large sheet of blue tarpaulin suspended between two sections of wing, folding her sun-dried clothes into neat piles. She was silent, had been since her breakdown the previous afternoon; had wordlessly allowed Sawyer to lead her back to the beach. She had slept fitfully, waking in a cold sweat with laboured breathing. That dream would come again and again, the one of Tom as he became Jack. But it was far worse waking to the reality of hurting Jack, of really causing him pain he didn't deserve. She didn't know how to approach him, how to look in his eyes without breaking down. There was too much to explain, too much to tell him in one go. Lives ruined and a broken childhood and a lost little girl who rebelled too far. And years of running. Years and years of no real friends and certainly no-one who had looked at her like he did. Like he knew her. Like he knew she needed him.

And so when he came tearing through the shrubbery, tripping over himself and careering down the beach, Kate didn't know how she felt. Shame and fear and not good enough to speak to him, more than ever now. She watched from a distance as his body hit the surf; felt the lump in her throat like a physical reminder of all the things she was afraid to tell him. She wondered why he had rushed so suddenly to the water, his legs almost too fast for the rest of him to keep up. He didn't know she was there, of that she was sure. But he knew she wawouldn't disappear just because her feelings were reciprocated

Jack grinned. "Um, yeah, I was kinda guessing you might say that. It's okay." He knew he was treading on eggshells. He knew, despite her silence on the matter, how Kate doubted herself. How she thought she was worth so little, because of what she'd done and who'd she'd hurt. "Listen…" He covered both her hands with his own. That stuff. About me fixing people and you being broken. I'm not gonna promise I can fix you, 'cause life doesn't work that way. But I want you to know how worthy you are. Of every good thing that comes your way. I know… I know I don't know really what you did, or how you ended up here. But I want to know. I want to know you, not judge you." He cupped her cheek and it was Kate could do to not cry, or run, or just grab hold of him and never let go.

"Thank you." She whispered. She'd never heard those words before. That she was worth something. Kate could feel her legs giving out, in grief and sorrow for what had happened, and happiness and joy for what she was being offered now. Jack.

"Promise me one thing. Come meet me later, at the swimming hole. Just after sundown. Let me have a look at your feet-" Jack winced just at the sight of this beauty before him, scarred because she was running from him. "And we can just take things slowly. Very slowly. I just want to know you, Kate."

She nodded, almost imperceptibly, grazed his thumb with her own. She dragged herself away, like magnets being pulled apart. She pulled on her boots as he watched, every movement so delicate, so beautiful. Jack could feel his heart swell with anticipation, for every moment like this they would have. Kate stood, a bottle of water in her hand.

"So… I'll see you in a couple of hours."

The sun beat down on them, the ocean slowly made it's way up the shore, and somewhere very far away, in another galaxy or lifetime, they stood exactly like this, said exactly the same words. Somewhere in the infinite universe.

Jack nodded. He bent his head and kissed the back of her hand; corny he knew but it just felt right. Kate blushed and grinned.

"See you then."

He watched until her figure had gone behind the tree line, until the leaves had stopped rustling due to her presence. Then Jack turned to the caves once more, his jeans sticking to his legs and his whole body coated in sand; his lips burning with the feel of hers upon them, and a grin like a dream coming true.

"You found me when no-one else was looking
How did you know just where I would be

I guess that you saw what nobody else could see
The good and the bad and everything in between"

She'd been walking maybe twenty minutes when she realised he was following her. Kate stuck to a reasonably new trail but a trail nonetheless, aiming to pick some guava from a new patch she'd discovered recently. She stopped when she heard the other footsteps, hid herself in the deep furrow of an ancient tree she couldn't identify. A grin filled her face and she tried to suppress a giggle; all she could think about was that moment her lips met Jack's, that feeling of security and happiness that had brimmed over within her. Kate knew that voice was still in her somewhere, that one that repeated those four little words over and over, and knew that a large part of her still believed it. But she was so determined, to tell Jack everything, to try and overcome it all. Maybe she'd tell him just now. Maybe he was just playing a trick, and hadn't thought she'd heard him.

But the footprints were still coming in her general direction, and Kate readied herself to jump out at him. She couldn't wait to see the look on his face. The noises grew closer and closer, more subtle, more careful. When she heard them stop around the side of the tree, Kate poised herself, steadied her footing, and leapt out into the clearing.

"Gotcha!" She cried. The grin plastered on her faow, and I don't want to burden it all on to you. And then… then you leap to assumptions about Sawyer. I wouldn't do that to you, Jack." She stepped towards him, the sand getting into her cuts and making her wince. "I couldn't."

Jack swallowed, speechless, lost. "I know that really. I'm so sorry Kate. I didn't mean to-" He stopped. "It's just so hard for me to let people in… and you're so far in. You've no idea. But I know that doesn't make up for it. I know I need to learn to trust you."

"But I need to trust myself first."

And it was then it happened. That moment he knew he'd never forget, no matter how many lifetimes he saw or universes there were out there. It was quick and unexpected, like she was testing them both; but more herself, seeing if it felt right. Kate filled the gap between them with her own body, tilted her head up, leaned in so her lips hovered so close to his. Jack could feel the electricity between them, the air torched with expectation. He gently took a wisp of hair, folded it behind her ear, waited for her to make the next move. Her hand stroked the stubble just at the corner of his mouth, and for moments she seemed mesmerised with just that tiny spot, that tiny piece of him. He didn't know the thoughts rushing through her head, the voice which whispered insistently, You're not good enough. Kate closed her eyes, let herself just feel the presence of him, let that override the voice she knew deep down was wrong. And she inched closer, so gentle, so hesitant. Their lips met, fuelling something like desperation and need within them both. His lip stung where it was split but he didn't care, cared about nothing but this precious person before him, this moment he'd played in his mind a million times. Kate trembled in the instant. God, he was so tender, his fingers which played with that lock of hair, his soft lips just on hers, so slight that Kate could nearly believe she was dreaming. But her heart was beating too wildly for that, she felt too complete and whole and safe. A shiver went down the length of her spine as he pulled her ever so slightly closer, his fingers soft on the small on her back. The kiss went no deeper, and together for long moments they stood not even kissing, just holding on to on another with lips touching. She could feel his hot breath on her neck, buried her head under the crook of his chin.

Kate let herself stay there for just a second, and for moments on end she let herself believe it was right and how things should be. But she knew; knew Jack had endless questions and there were still so many open wounds between them. She was still hurting from his betrayal of trust. She was still scared of how little she thought of herself, was overwhelmed by how much he obviously cared for her. She drew back.

"Jack, there's still…"

"Like a million things to talk about. I know."

Kate gave a small smile. Inside she was dancing, and was sure he was too, but each was so careful, so guarded. He had grasped her hand when she leant away from him and hadn't yet let go.

"Can I… Would it be okay for me to just go for a walk? Just… kinda a lot's happened and…" Words were failing her. All Kate could think of was Jack's lips upon hers, and how right and how wrong it had felt all at once. She knew it only felt wrong because she doubted her own worth, if she was good enough for him, but equally knew those fears ce felt like it would never leave. But then she saw.

It wasn't Jack.