Disclaimer: In the first chapter.
To Be Without Me (Remix Edition)
Final Chapter:
Lovesick
"What do you want me to tell you then…?" Mana tiredly asked, her voice strained in an attempt to keep her feelings in check, "What do need me to tell you so won't leave?"
He walked passed the kitchen on his way to the front door. "Nothing," He said simply, "I know it's something wrong about this place… I just can't shake the feeling that I'm not supposed to be here."
"More like you don't like me anymore…"
"It…" Shinji turned to her with a pained expression on his face, "It's not like that at all."
Mana got up abruptly, her leg hitting the table as she suddenly stood. She walked up to him and looked him in the eyes, "That's why I'm asking!"
"We can't stay here forever!" He shouted back, albeit not as loud.
"We can and you know why…" She lowered her voice but the fire in her eyes remained.
Shinji was a dense person at times but that didn't mean that he didn't notice the obvious things. He knew that his wounds couldn't be treated with just a typical first aid kit, he knew that Mana just couldn't go out and get groceries when he knew that they were in the middle of nowhere, and he knew fully well why some of the doors were locked and why the books were blank.
"So?" Mana continued, snapping the stretch of silence, "This isn't real… but it's for you Shinji. Isn't this real enough?"
"Don't say it like that." He couldn't help but look at the floor instead of looking her in the eyes, "You're more than enough Mana but-"
She sighed loud enough to interrupt him, "You called me…"
"Huh…?"
While he was relieved to see her smile, the subject at hand only served to confuse him more than he already was, "I can't remember that much but I clearly remember you calling for help. You were screaming for someone to help you and, before I knew what had happened, I saw you on the ground…."
Mana leaned against the wall as she recalled what happened, "They came with me though."
This drew a reaction out of him, "T-They?"
"Ayanami and Katsuragi."
"They're here somewhere!"
"They're… They're inside me Shinji." The confusion and shock that registered on his face probably couldn't be greater than it presently was but she wasn't finished yet, "They wanted to help you too but only remnants of them remain."
"How come I never noticed it…? No, how come I couldn't talk to-"
"They're dead Shinji…" The look on his face made her regret being so blunt but she had no choice but to make sure that he clearly understood, "Their feelings only surface when I don't have a hold on my emotions."
His knees were starting to feel shaky and he could feel his legs starting to get weak. Seeing this, Mana rushed to support him and he stumbled into her arms, his eyes taking on a distant look to them as he accepted the information.
The truth was proving to be too much but this was what he wanted right?
"When I sleep, my consciousness seeps into yours sometimes…"
"My AT field... How…" Shinji was turned into a fumbling mess but he still retained enough sense of mind to remember what Kaworu said to him about the Absolute Terror Field and what it really was.
In the Angel's words, it was a barrier of the heart meant to keep one's individual self so if she was able to breech it then…
"They don't exist here Shinji." She said, giving voice to his unfinished thought.
Shinji's eyes went wide in realization, "That dream…"
"Ayanami is harder to control…" Mana said, leaving Shinji speechless to the point he couldn't even open his mouth in surprise, "It was because you kept thinking of her, I was starting to get… jealous."
That explained why the dreams were vastly different but, right now, that was the least of his worries. Without a doubt, he could clearly see why Mana sought to keep this to herself but he only had one more question he had to ask.
"Misato…?"
"As long as I have this she doesn't bother me as much as Ayanami does." She said as she pulled out the necklace she stole from him.
The ivory cross gleamed in candle light and Shinji couldn't help but back away in an attempt to get away from the facts in front of him. Stepping backwards, Shinji found himself falling back into a wall that he slid down as the truth of the situation dawned on him.
Words like manipulated and constructed started to come to mind but the only thing he could focus on was the girl in front of him as she knelled over. Mana refrained from saying anything but her eyes were locked squarely on the dazed boy in front of her, she tried to speak but her words were lost the moment she opened her mouth.
She had nothing to say anymore… The look in his eyes told her that he wasn't listening as he silently endured the headache that was dulling his senses.
"Mana… don't tell me you-"
"I don't know." She responded quickly, "I don't know if I'm still alive or not Shinji."
Shinji raised his head and looked up at her, "I don't know either…" He said softly, his voice an obvious sign that he was out of it.
Setting aside their past differences, his classmate calmed herself with a deep breath and took a seat on the dusty floor next to her boyfriend. The wood creaked and the necklace she was holding was still shining but Shinji only continued to blankly stare ahead as she got closer to him.
For all the laughs and awkward moments they shared, this was definitely the first time they sat this close but felt so far apart. The pilot didn't say anything as the headache slowly subsided, his understanding of what was happening becoming clearer as time passed. His classmate was just as still but for different reasons.
Without a doubt, he still intended to leave her behind but it was only now that she realized that she definitely played a part in his reason for making that decision. If she had told him little by little would he have come to realize that she never meant to hurt him by keeping her secrets? Was it so bad that she didn't want him to be hurt anymore by the harsh reality he knew better than most?
Time passed.
Seconds turned into minutes but time was not an important factor here. Regardless, it felt like they sat in the same spot for hours before she finally stood and dusted off her school uniform.
Although not fully recovered from the shock, Shinji took the mental stress in stride as he slowly got to his feet and stared at the girl in front of him. Looking into her sky blue eyes, he could tell that she was already prepared.
"Mana… I'm…"
Like so many times before, she raised her hand and touched him. The back of her hand trailed down his face and she smiled despite the fact that they couldn't be called friends anymore.
"You…" She clutched the cross she held even tighter, "You don't have to say it like that." Her hand dropped from his face, "Just do it if you are going to do it."
Shinji turned towards the door but not without looking over his shoulder at the girl he honestly fell in love with. A myriad of questions assaulted him as he stared at the smile he found more precious than his own life but the one that loomed over all was easy to answer.
He was leaving because this wasn't real. Ironically, Mana was the person who showed him that he had to do it even if he didn't want to. With his feelings urging him on despite the hurt etched into his heart, he brought his line of sight back to the front of him and reached for the door, "I have to do big stuff sometimes, too…"
The simple phrase caused her to recall a memory of her talking about how he always dealt with the small stuff but it didn't linger long thanks to the sound of the door closing.
0
He bounced on the old wood and it creaked under him as the dust that clung to floor started to rise. Shinji bit his lip as he painfully came to rest a few feet away from the girl who chased him down, both of them fighting to catch their breath because of all the running.
"Are you satisfied now?" Mana stared down at him at him after throwing him down, "Nothing is out there." She said furiously, as she rested against the wall.
Shinji wiped the sweat off his forehead and didn't bother to dust himself off as he stood up. He didn't say anything as he narrowed his eyes at her. Freed from any notion that she was going to take it easy on him, he fully stood up with the desire to escape still intact.
Even after blindly running into the night in a random direction, he still could muster enough energy to get back up and manage to look even more determined than he did before.
It was a familiar look on his face. Even now, she admired his resolve but, now, she had to crush it for his sake. Mana tossed the necklace to him and he caught it with ease, "That's your reward for a good try…" Her anger quickly faded and was replaced by an intense craving to prove that she wasn't going to let him stroll out of here.
Shinji wasn't alarmed when she raised her fists.
She said she wasn't going to let him go and he wasn't dumb enough to think that she wouldn't go to such lengths to ensure that he didn't leave. Mentally, he was stressed nearly to his limits and, physically, he wasn't exactly in peak condition but he was surely strong enough to fend her off…
Right?
"You're really not going to stop are you?" Mana took a fighting stance and Shinji could already feel his body hating him as he shook his head.
"Shinji," She addressed him before knowing what she really wanted to say but ended up thinking as she paused. Was it dumb to hurt him now so he wouldn't be hurt later? Mana accepted what she was about to do with a sigh knowing that it was for herself just as much as it was for him, "Would you hold a grudge against me for this…?"
From any other person, it would be a terribly sarcastic remark meant only to annoy but, from Mana, he knew that it was an honest question.
"I'm not holding this or anything against you Mana." He admitted as he watched her, a question of his own coming to mind, "Why do you want to stop me so bad?"
"You think this is more than just about us and you're right but I'm not going to let you get hurt anymore."
"But you're going to hit me…?"
"I am!" She yelled after he posed the same question she asked herself, "Did Ayanami's slap hurt more than seeing your friend get crushed by something out of your control?"
Stunned, he opened his mouth to speak but she wasn't finished.
"Did his punch feel worse than seeing someone you lived with get violated while she screamed for your help?"
All he could do was slowly shake his head seeing that her reasons were now remarkably apparent but she needed to know if he really understood. Mana lowered her arms as the flame in his eyes started to flicker, "You have to be selfish sometimes… I know you feel responsible but what can you do by going back?"
"It's what I can't do if I don't go back."
Frustrated, she held her fists back up.
Words weren't going to work on him anymore. It was useless to explain that by enduring things that hurt him that he hurt the people around him by extension. He couldn't yet grasp the fact that this was going to hurt her far more than it hurt him.
"At least hit me back…" She whispered, the thought of her angrily punching him more than enough to make her eyes water.
His eyes drifted down to the memento of his guardian, "Don't ask me to do things like that."
With a heavy heart, she tried one more time, "Shinji please don't make me do this."
Shinji answered her with a sad smile, "Do it if you are going to do it."
She did just that.
In an instant the distance between them was closed and Shinji didn't bother to move but he make the mistake of looking up just in time to see the harsh gleam in her eyes as her elbow collided with his midsection, the feeling of his breath being knocked out of him becoming all too familiar as she withdrew her arm.
His expression on his face twisted up in pain but, as much as it pained her, she couldn't stop half way.
Gracefully, a fist crashed into his side with more than enough force to leave a bruise and it was quickly followed up by a jab that caught him directly on the chin.
Just saying it hurt didn't do the way he felt proper justice…
The bottom of shoe was firmly planted in his stomach thanks to how hard she struck him and all he could manage to do was bring his hands to his mouth as he doubled over.
Shinji fell on the floor, only one hand roughly pressed into old wooden floor to stop him from falling face first. It felt like his chest was lit on fire, each spot she hit him marked with napalm. The fact that he was still tired from running and that she knocked the breath out of him wasn't at all helping his cause as he desperately used the wall to get up.
He was too tired to mask his surprised when he discovered that she was helping him to his feet. Mana halted her assault and, for that, he was thankful to at least rest for the few minutes she helped him up, "I'm taking you back to the bedroom…" She whispered as she heaved him up.
"I'm not going… back to that room." Shinji managed to get out in the process of taking careful gasps since it hurt too much to attempt deep breaths.
The sound of something cracking echoed through the house.
Mana stared down at her half unconscious victim with a bitter mix of feelings as he laid crumpled on the floor in front of her, coughing out the dust that accumulated in his throat. Shinji made an attempt to roll out of the dent he made in the floor where the wood finally succumbed to the pressure but his body refused.
More than anything she felt angry at herself. All that was needed to get her point across was a simple punch or two but, when faced with every one of refusals, she couldn't help but try to show him that she wasn't playing. This wasn't a game in any sense of the word but she was certain this showed him that the only way out was through her.
Shinji narrowed his eyes at her but he didn't know which of the four girls she was until the second one from the left reached out and wiped the blood away from the gash on his forehead.
As she grabbed his collar, he somehow remembered how to talk, "Not… room…"
Mana didn't bother to listen to the garbled words he said as he drifted in and out of consciousness but she did pick up the necklace he dropped on the floor. Once again helping him to his feet, the girl started to aid him in walking to the room in the back of the house, "I'm sorry…" She said, knowing that he more than likely didn't even hear her.
0
Just like she said, he was still here even though he tried so hard to leave.
His entire body was still aching but it didn't hurt to turn his head and look out the window. Shinji stared at the night sky he was under not even hours ago but he didn't dare to even try and get up. If being stationary made him feel like this then the pilot didn't even want to think about actually being in motion.
From the bed, he could only admire the view but he didn't even have much time to do that.
"I'm not going to hit you anymore…" Mana laid beside him but the space between them emphasized how much things changed, "I swear. I'll never do it again."
More than the carefully kept secrets or the string of lies, she hated hitting him more than anything. In more ways than one the feeling of her fist coming into contact with him stood into a violent contrast to the gentle touches they usually shared. Knowing that she hit him made her stomach turn and just looking at the half broken planks of wood in the hall disgusted her.
Even though it made her sick, she knew that it was for the greater good but she also knew fully well that she wouldn't be able to do it again…
"It's okay…"
"No," She turned and looked at the bandages she wrapped around his head, "It's not."
Gritting his teeth together, Shinji got up and brought his legs to the side of the bed but it took him a while to actually get off the bed. Mana eyed him as he moved but she was surprised when he bent over and picked something up off the floor instead of going to the door.
She sat up and the first thing she saw was the cover of her diary and Shinji was opening it as he took a seat on the bed. With her looking over his shoulder, the first thing he saw was something written in the middle of the front page.
As he stared at the carefully written characters, he was reminded of the note he received a long time ago by the writer. Precise strokes and neat writing show him all that she wanted him to know.
"I love you…" Mana whispered, giving voice to the paper, "Even if you hate me."
A tear dropped on the diary as Shinji closed it but he was unable to place it back on the floor as she hugged him from behind. Tightly, she wrapped her arms around him to the point that he remembered that she put in a good punch on his side. However, the way he felt was more important than how much his chest hurt, "I feel the same way…"
"There isn't anywhere to escape to. This isn't something you can just walk out of. I'm doing this not because I think you can just up and leave." She looked down at the diary, his tears splashing on the hard cover, "The reason I stop you is so you can give up. We can be happy here Shinji."
Even if he did manage to get away from her, he wouldn't be able to find an exit or anything of the sort. There was no way to leave. It hurt but she was breaking his will on purpose. If she didn't take away that hope with her own hands then it would always linger inside of him.
"Why?"
"Because we can…"
"Is that really the right thing to do?" Shinji said with his head still bowed, "I…"
Mana smiled brightly despite the circumstances, "So? Is it right to leave your girlfriend by herself? We have a lot of things we can talk about and a lot of things we could do."
"Mana, if I found a way out would you come with me?"
Touched, the girl in question continued to smile but her reply wouldn't match the look on her face, "I'm a part of this place Shinji… I don't even think I could follow you if you found a way out somehow."
It didn't make him irate or depressed at all. If he had to use a word to describe how he felt the best one to match his feelings would be disappointed. With every decision he made, something had to be sacrifice no matter how insignificant it was.
Could he honestly throw his responsibility away and try to stay here? If he did that how would he be able to look at himself in the mirror without losing all of the self respect he recently gained.
How could he abandon Mana? She was this kind to him and he only did things to hurt her. If he left, he knew that he would never be able to forgive himself.
Either way, he wasn't going to feel well no matter the choice.
"I want you to come with me no matter what." Shinji reached up and touched her hand, "I don't care about what happens to me but you-"
"Don't make it harder on yourself… I was angry at first but I want you to make your choice. Tell me what you really want to do." She savored the feeling of holding him close to her, something she took for granted, before letting him go, "I don't want to argue and fight with you anymore."
He touched her…
His hand tightly wrapped her forearm as he stood up, the expression in his eyes telling her that he wasn't letting go anytime soon. His mind was made up a long time ago but it was only now that he firmly made his choice.
"We're leaving." He stated, the end of the bandage around his head partly coming off.
"How…?"
The headache started to come back but he would endure anything for her sake. Closing his eyes, he purposely forgot how the room looked. Every detail that was once committed to memory was ignored and what he did remember about the bedroom was forced to the dark recesses of his mind.
When he opened his eyes, the first thing he looked at besides Mana was the darkness around them. His girlfriend frantically stared at the void, "W-What is this?" She yelled, only serving to make his headache worse than it already was.
Shinji looked at the rapidly expanding black, "It's like the books…"
She blinked as she turned her attention back to him, her eyebrows rising as she finally understood. As the inky darkness from the corner of the room edged ever closer, Mana realized exactly what was happening.
The books were blank and nothing was beyond the field of grass because he didn't know what he didn't want to see written in them or think of what he wanted to see in the distance. He couldn't get anywhere the first time because he was attempting to do things while torn between his options but, now that he knew exactly what he wanted, it appeared in front of them.
"Shinji…"
"Mana, let's… go…" He whispered, his eyes still locked on the void in front of them.
"Listen to me," She pried his fingers off her arm but did so with a gentle smile, a smile that was brought on by the awe she felt at seeing him do what she believed as impossible, "If I'm not just a fragment then I'll see you later but… if I don't then-"
The approaching darkness slowly started to redraw as Shinji slightly fell into her. He was beginning to pass out but she wasn't going to be having none of that. With a push that felt more like a guiding hand, she caused him to take a few steps forward into the void. Barely conscious, the only things could make out for a fact was that he was blacking out and… he was moving farther away from her.
Mana waved at him, the bittersweet expression on her face branded on his eyes as she smiled with tears streaming down her face, "Goodbye…"
There wasn't any goodbye kisses or light hugs to bid some farewell. It wasn't any persistent feeling of rage compounded by the fact that two people who loved each other so much were being separated. The melodrama that usually accompanied such scenes was replaced with nothing other than an extreme sense of lost as the boy who desperately wanted to be with her only drifted farther away.
0
His senses were dulled but every one of them slowly started to come to alive again. Almost all at once, everything returned to him. He could hear what sounded like water crashing against something only to sail back to where it came and then do it all over again. He could feel the sand scrubbing against his arms as he tried to move… but something was wrong.
It felt heavy…
Shinji slowly opened his eye, the other one covered with bandages, and he saw the same sky he stared at so many times but it was only when he looked down that he discovered the problem.
A cobalt eye stared up into one that was sky blue and then trailed down a pale face but the person on top of him didn't dare stop what she was doing. Her face was so close to his that he couldn't see anything other than her face and the golden red hair that belonged to the girl on top of him.
She was so close that he could almost smell her hatred because it was thick. He could clearly hear her breathing as she strangled him, the shallow breaths she was taking proof that she was using all of her remaining strength to kill him.
Asuka was going to kill him and he couldn't feel more relieved.
This was the reality he was responsible for, he was the one completely at fault for what happened. Other than that, he made the wrong choice and he found himself smiling, satisfied that he was about to die so he wouldn't have to live with his decision for that long. It was only right that the second child be the one to do it, the things he did to her probably the most horrible of all.
His smile angered her so she applied even more pressure to his neck, "Die…" She muttered hoarsely, her voice unused since she woke up.
Did she have any idea how long he waited for this? To be released from this world that hated him so much, this reality that scared him more than anything. Morbidly, he could almost say that he enjoyed the feeling of her hands squeezing the lift out of him.
Knowing that he couldn't spare any words thanks to the fact he was nearly on his last breath, Shinji could only show how thankful he was with something Mana taught him.
His fingertips caressed the side of her face, his touch a sign that he perfectly understood why she was murdering him. It was a gentle indication that it was okay and that he didn't mind.
Asuka recoiled from his touch like she was shot, her hands releasing the hold she had on his neck the moment she realized what she was doing.
Despair visited both of them.
The red-haired girl shivered as she the boy under her coughed, his body taking in the air he needed even though he rather it didn't. She wanted to ask what happened to find out why it was like this but the hand she covered her mouth with prevented her from doing anything of the sort as the contents of her stomach threatened to come up.
Weakly, Shinji turned away from his fellow pilot as the smile fell from his face. He slowly looked around and, to his dismay, didn't see the person he searched for. Laying his head back down in the sand, it was only now that he truly accepted that he was wrong… He really made the wrong choice.
"I feel sick…"
Fin
Author's Note: That's all folks. This updated version mostly got across everything I really wanted to stress in the original. This Shinji was a bit out of it but the entire point of the remix was really showing how I wanted the original to be as opposed to making it a better or even different story.
Aside from Mana's relationship with Shinji, the most important part of the Remix was making it easier to understand where stuff came from and how it happened. I just threw stuff in the original and thought it was cool but, when I read it a few weeks ago, I cringed almost every three lines. o.o
Seriously though, I had fun with the Remix but I got some other stuff to do so I'll be on my way. I'm really glad to see my first written story get a make over even if I still have a lot of errors to get out later and, like always, many thanks for reading.