Chapter Five: To Tell Or Not To Tell…That Is The Question
That same night…
"No way, Oolong!"
"Aw come, Puar, puh-leeeeeeze!"
"No! This has gone far enough, Oolong! You're telling Suiza the truth!"
"Puar, I can't, you know that! No human woman's going to want to date a pig; you told me so yourself," Oolong protested, as he skimmed through one of Roshi's less prurient porn magazines while he lay back on his blue satin-covered bed. Puar was resting on the footboard of his bed.
Puar crossed her purple arms. "Just how much longer do you plan to keep this charade up?"
"I-I don't know. I guess until I'm for certain Suiza really, really likes me. Then maybe when I tell her the truth, it won't matter," Oolong replied hopefully.
"You should have told the truth from the beginning," the feline scolded.
"I know, Puar, I know, but it's too late for that now. Look, I finally found a woman who doesn't run screaming in the other direction when I come near her. I haven't been that popular with women since I used to kidnap those girls from that village I used to terrorize. And those girls only wanted me then for what I could give them, which was why I had to constantly blackmail those villagers. Haven't you ever been in love, Puar?"
Before Puar could answer, she heard someone pawing and struggling with Oolong's one bedroom window. She meowed in fear.
"Someone's trying to break in!" she squeaked.
"Stay here, Puar," Oolong ordered, as he crept to the window as bravely as possible.
"Oh, Oolong, what if he has a gun?" Puar asked worriedly.
"Then we'll transform ourselves into bulletproof vests, okay?" Oolong said a bit impatiently, as he spotted a dark figure clad in black wearing a ski mask. Oolong transformed himself into his Nappa form and stomped closer to the window. He swiftly unlocked the window and shoved it open. Puar caught up to the window and now hesitantly hovered behind her friend.
His porcine jaw dropped when he saw a short, medium-built man, struggling to hold onto the window ledges. "Oolong, is that you?" the man asked.
Oolong's jaw dropped lower. "M-Master Roshi?"
"Why are you trying to break into your own house?" Puar squeaked, puzzled.
Master Roshi slapped his forehead. "Oh no! I broke into the wrong bedroom! I was supposed to break into my own, you see. Now I'm going to have to climb back down and start all over again."
"Why would you break into your own bedroom, old man?" Oolong asked, astonished.
Roshi chuckled nervously. "Well, you see, me and Candy were playing one of favorite games…Burglar. See, I pretend to be a burglar breaking into Candy's bedroom, and Candy is shocked to see me, and I demand she take off her clothes. So I strip too, and Candy sees how incredibly good-looking I am, and then she literally begs me to take her, and-"
"Yeah, yeah, old man, we get it. You and Candy are doing one of your role-playing games again. Well, go do it somewhere else!"
"Well, look at it this way, Oolong," Puar told him. "At least it's better than when they were playing Tarzan and Jane."
Oolong made a sour face at the mention of the last favorite role-playing game that Roshi and Candy had been playing. Roshi and Candy had spent weeks with their jungle game until Roshi made the mistake of tying a vine to his television antenna on the roof and swinging like the real Tarzan. Unfortunately Roshi's last stint in that role had been more George Of The Jungle than Tarzan when the poor old man crashed into his favorite palm tree and won a major concussion for his efforts. After that, Candy, fearing for her husband's life, had put a halt to any more Tarzan and Jane games.
Roshi laughed. "Umm…well, I'll climb down my ladder and go break into mine and Candy's bedroom now. Can't disappoint my future captive. See you two! Have a good night."
Oolong and Puar told him goodnight politely, both relieved to see him leave. And Roshi would leave all right-but not quite in the way he had expected.
"BOOM! CRASH!"
"Ow! Ohhhh!" Roshi cried, rubbing his now swollen head, as he lay in the sand below Oolong's window. The ladder, which had been unsteadily set when he had first climbed it, had slipped and plummeted to the ground, bringing a terrified Roshi with him.
"Are you okay?" Oolong shouted.
"I…think so…" Roshi groaned.
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The next morning, Kame House living room…
"Roshi, darling, I think we need to find some safer role-playing games," a very pregnant Candy told her husband worriedly, as she checked the numerous bandages with which she had wrapped his head. "The next time we do 'Burglar' could be your last."
"But I love our role-playing games, my dear!" Roshi protested.
Sitting on the couch, Juuhachigou sighed, as she brushed Marron's hair, "Can't you two just have old-fashioned bedroom activities, like most couples?"
"But our games really spice up our love life," Roshi insisted, as Candy changed the bandages on his bald head. "And Candy and I are trying to get all we can before Candy has the baby…'cause after that, we'll have to wait six long weeks before we can get any again."
"Get any what?" Marron wanted to know, hugging herself in her pink nightgown, as her mother drew some of her blonde hair into a short, cute pigtail.
"You know…" Roshi began, but the warning looks of both Candy and Juuhachigou prevented him from elaborating any further. Juuhachigou put the second of her daughter's two pigtails in her hair and released her, but Marron still sat on the couch.
Krillin, Umigame, Oolong, and Puar entered, with Umigame and Oolong snickering openly. Puar meowed a yawn; she had just spent the night at Kame House, and she was waiting for Yamucha to come by and pick her up to take her home.
"You feeling any better, Master Roshi?" Krillin asked. "I heard that was quite a fall you took."
"Well, that's one burglar that won't be raiding this house," Umigame commented, chuckling. Roshi shot his oldest friend a deadly glare.
"Listen, Turtle, just because you don't have a gorgeous wife like Candy to love and enjoy every night, doesn't give you the right to be so jealous!" Roshi scoffed. "Besides, when's the last time that you got any?"
"Got any what?" Marron inquired.
"Ice cream," Krillin interjected quickly. He held out his arms to his daughter. "How does rocky road sound?"
"Great!" Marron exclaimed happily, running into her father's arms.
"No," Juuhachigou said firmly. She raised an eyebrow at her husband, looking at him sternly. "Ice cream is not for breakfast. Marron can have waffles, strawberries, and whipped cream."
"I want that then!" Marron cried. "Please?" she added, after seeing her mother's reminding look to use her manners. Her mother nodded her consent, and Oolong and Krillin quickly licked their lips to remove the evidence of the rocky road ice cream they had eaten minutes ago.
Juuhachigou looked at Oolong and smirked. "I heard someone had a date last night! How'd it go?"
"It went great!" Oolong gushed. "Even though we had a few problems…" Within twenty minutes, he told everyone his story.
"And she still doesn't know that you're a pig?" Umigame asked with concern after Oolong had finished his tale. "Oolong, you really need to tell her the truth."
"No way!" Oolong exclaimed. "She won't want to go out with me then!"
"Well, if that's true, then she's not worth your time," Roshi told him. "Just be honest with her. You can't keep your true identity from her forever."
"Yeah, I can," Oolong argued. "With Puar's help, of course."
"I'm not getting further involved!" Puar shrieked. "Oolong, just tell her the truth! What's the worst that can happen?"
"That she won't want me," Oolong replied snappily. "And I really, really like her!"
"If you like her, then she has the right to know the truth," Candy told him firmly. "The right woman…or pig…or whomever…will love you for who you are on the inside."
"Candy's right," Roshi told his friend. "Look at me, Oolong. I never thought that I would be so lucky as to have a woman who loves me…and now I've got my Candy. And thanks to her, I'm going to be a daddy! I'm the luckiest old man in the world!" He looked at his wife adoringly, like he was a schoolboy. Candy's heart melted, and she ran a slim finger along his aged jaw line.
"See," Umigame said to Oolong triumphantly. "If a dirty old man can find true love, then so can you." Roshi cut his eyes at him.
"Yeah, if Master Roshi can get a beautiful woman to want him, then you should be able to," Puar added brightly.
"I'm afraid though," Oolong admitted. "I don't want to blow my chances with her by revealing who I really am." His voice suddenly grew sad. "I mean what am I really? Just a pig, a semi-perverted hog who can change his shape for only five minutes, with no job, nothing of real value, except for a huge panty collection. As for her, she owns her own businesses as well as leads a motorcycle gang; she's a success, and I'm not. What can I give her?"
"You can give her some of your panties," Marron offered innocently, and all the adults laughed, even Oolong.
Krillin patted Oolong's back kindly. "You have more to offer than you think. Just tell her the truth; if she doesn't want you then, there'll be other women."
Oolong stood up tall, for his short height. "You know what, everyone here is right! I am going to tell Suiza the truth this Saturday after our date, and if she's truly worth it, she'll still want to see me. If not, it's not the end of the world."
Everyone else agreed, and Oolong relaxed considerably. But Candy and Juuhachigou didn't remain as relaxed as he was. Juuhachigou cleared her throat and looked at Oolong with scrutiny.
"What's your problem?" Oolong asked her.
Juuhachigou crossed her arms and said quietly, "Now that panties had been brought up earlier, there's something I've been wanting to ask you."
Oolong grew uncomfortable. "O…kay…shoot."
The android said evenly, "My favorite purple, lacy thong has been missing for the past week, and I know that I have not worn it since it's been washed. Where is it?"
Oolong laughed nervously. "Don't know what you're talking about!"
Candy added edgily, "Oh, I think you do, Oolong, because my pair of furry, peachy briefs has been missing for two weeks, and I know that I have not worn them since I did the laundry, and Marron mentioned to me yesterday that you were playing with a very similar pair. Where are they?"
"Good question," Oolong answered quickly. "I sure wish I knew."
"I say," Juuhachigou replied sternly, "that we go take a quick peek at Oolong's prized panty collection."
"Good idea," Candy agreed.
"No, no, it isn't!" Oolong cried, as he transformed himself into a robin and flew away upstairs, determined to save himself from the two angry women who were sure to kill him once they found their missing underwear in his treasured panty stash.
"Get him!" Juuhachigou yelled in her battle cry, and she and Candy both dashed upstairs after the resident, perverted swine. Well, Juuhachigou dashed anyway, Candy merely marched, which was still a great effort for someone eight months pregnant. Either way, they were determined to make bacon out of Oolong.
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Later that afternoon…
Oolong ruefully touched his bandaged head, a head nearly crushed by the fists and hands of both Candy and Juuhachigou. He had well learned his lesson today…not to take any more of their panties. He would never touch either woman's underwear again…well, at least not for a month. Puar hadn't been around to help him after the assaults; Yamucha had picked up his feline friend shortly after. Puar had very reluctantly agreed to help Oolong with his next date, even though she was going against her better judgment.
He was now sitting in his usual green chair, mindlessly watching the High-Life Shopping Network, the new shopping channel that featured expensive products targeted towards the very wealthy, such as twenty-two thousand dollar silver plates and four thousand dollar purses. Even though no one in Kame House, not even Candy, would ever consider buying the cable channel's goods, it was always interesting to see the smiling, well-groomed, snobby hosts selling products that only celebrities, heiresses, royalty, and other affluent people would think of dialing the number to order.
But currently on was a shopping show for men called, "Adam And Steve's", which was Master Roshi's second favorite program because it featured expensive products that were exclusively targeted towards "manly" men such as edible dishes and beer mugs, packs of disposable underwear and jeans, and dialing machines which gave various prerecorded excuses for men to skip work or cheat on their wives and girlfriends. Unfortunately, some of the products were considered to be rather tasteless, because of such items as lighted fish tanks shaped like a pair of women's breasts, video games in which one had to seduce a certain number of women to win, and the most recent addition: furniture and appliances shaped like curvy, nude women. And such a product was being displayed at this moment.
"Today, for the low, low price of nine thousand and nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine dollars, YOU can have this wonderfully crafted solid eighteen karat gold toilet, shaped like a beautiful, naked woman sitting down with her lap spread open. A man's dream come true! It automatically flushes when you stand up, is self-cleaning with the push of a button, and is stain-resistant, a guaranteed treasure that will last for years to come! Why, the Playboy mansion has already ordered twenty of these marvels! So how about it, gentlemen?" the bellowing voice of the bald man dressed in clean jeans and a flannel shirt crooned on the television. Unlike his more sophisticated counterparts, this host was an average "working Joe" who was supposed to be the ideal "manly man". And so far this host seemed to be bringing in many new male customers.
Candy fumed, "Of course, the Playboy mansion would order those things! Who else would bother to even want one of those?"
Sitting next to her on the couch was a drooling Roshi, who was panting like a thirsty retriever. He greedily reached over to grab the phone. "I'm ordering me one of those beauties right now!" But before he could dial the first number, Candy grabbed his wrist.
"Oh, no you don't! Those things cost too much, and there's no way that I'm having my husband sitting in some gold woman's lap or standing in front of her while he does his business."
"But you said the bathroom needed remodeling," Roshi protested feebly.
"We are NOT having a naked woman toilet in our bathroom!" Candy hissed.
"That's right," Juuhachigou, crossing her arms and narrowing her blue eyes, agreed. "Especially since Marron and I use that bathroom too. And I certainly don't want my husband sitting on one of those things."
The loud host rambled on, "And, this next toilet coming up, is for the sports fan that is too lazy to get up to use the bathroom, or go get a snack from the refrigerator. This toilet is exclusively for use in the den or the living room! It can be used a recliner between bathroom breaks, and it comes with a built-in refrigerator, a microwave, and even a special container for when a guy needs to pee, but doesn't feel like getting up to do so. Perfect for your favorite couch potato!"
"I want one of those!" both Master Roshi and Oolong declared.
"NO!" was the response from the women. Roshi and Oolong did not dare speak for a few more minutes.
Finally, Candy had calmed down enough to tell her husband, "Roshi, would you please change the channel to something else? Just for an hour?"
"Umm…sure thing, Candy," Roshi replied, pressing a button on the remote. He flipped through the many channels briefly, disappointed to find out that there was not one single women's aerobics program on.
Finally, he came to a channel that was featuring his third favorite TV show: Terri Singer, a curvy, voluptuous talk show hostess with long, blond hair, and green eyes. Terri was the hostess for her scandalous program, which featured everything, from nuns moonlighting as prostitutes to wives who were cheating on their husbands with their husbands' grandfathers to couples who served and worshipped goldfish as gods. Bizarre and other guests with unusual and abnormal lives were drawn to Terri's show like flies to dung.
After the crowd had finished shouting Terri's name, the blond, bubbly host announced, "Today on 'Terri Singer'…'Shape-shifting Spouses'!" The bouncy female, dressed as always in one of her aerobics outfits (her body and clothes were what had originally drawn Roshi to her show) compassionately rested her hand on a tall, handsome, sculpted man.
"Tell me, Louis," Terri said with the right amount of compassion. "What is this secret that you wish to share with your wife of two years?"
Louis sighed, "Well, Terri, the truth is…that I'm not really human. I graduated from the Shape-Shifting Academy, and before I learned how to pass myself off as a human…I was a toad."
"Oooh!" the audience gasped in amazement.
"Since your wife is not here yet, may we see your natural form?" Terri asked. Louis obliged, and within seconds, he had transformed into an ugly, gray, warty toad.
"Hey, I know him!" Oolong exclaimed. "He and I used to pal around together before we graduated."
"You mean when you cheated on your final exams to do so?" A chuckling Umigame couldn't resist.
Oolong looked menacingly at Umigame. "How'd you like for me to try some turtle soup tonight?"
"Only, if I can have baked ham," Umigame replied sweetly, and Oolong grudgingly fell silent.
A few minutes, later, Louis had changed back into his human form, and then his lovely, aristocratic wife, Naomi, was brought out onto the stage. Louis told her the truth, which Naomi didn't believe at first until her husband changed back into his natural toad form.
The sophisticated, well-dressed Naomi was horrified and disgusted. "Ugh! You mean that I've been kissing, sleeping with a…toad! I don't think I could ever touch you again! How could you deceive me like this?"
Louis apologized piteously, begging Naomi's forgiveness, hoping that she would still love him anyway. His pleas for love and absolution fell on deaf ears, as Naomi stood up, turned on her heel, and covered her mouth, as if she were about to vomit. Without a word of goodbye for her husband, Naomi rushed off the stage.
Louis the toad broke down into tears, and Terri spoke comforting words to him, even though she would not touch him in his natural form.
"Poor guy," Oolong whispered in pity.
"That's a shame indeed," Roshi commented.
"Awww!" Krillin moaned gently.
"He's so sad," Marron said in a mournful, low voice.
Candy and Juuhachigou and Umigame added other words of sympathy, even though all three felt that Louis should have been honest with his wife sooner. Everyone in the living room remained fascinated with the rest of the show, as other couples in which each had a shape-shifting spouse were brought out. And unfortunately, all the results were the same as with Louis and Naomi, with the "normal" spouses jilting or rejecting their husbands or wives.
Finally, mercifully, "Terri Springer" ended, and Oolong was despondent. He was hugging his knees, and his porcine chin was resting in between them.
"There's no way I can tell Suiza the truth, no way," Oolong said dejectedly and decisively at the same time. "She'll reject me just like all those husbands and wives did to their spouses. Nope, I will just have to find a way to keep Suiza from finding out what I really am."
"Oolong, you can't do that!" Krillin insisted. "If Suiza can't accept you for who you are, then you're better off without her."
"That's right," Umigame chimed in.
"Just tell her the next time you see her," Juuhachigou ordered.
"You can't go on with this deception forever," Candy added. "Especially, since you can only keep your shape for only five minutes."
"Good point," Roshi stated. He said to Oolong, "And just how long do you think you'll be able to pass yourself as a human man? Puar isn't always going to be around to take your place whenever you go on a date with Suiza. What if things get serious between you two? Have you thought that far?"
"I'll-I'll handle that if and when that happens," Oolong said firmly. "Right now, I'm just trying to get her to like me."
"How is she to do that, if she doesn't know who you truly are?" Roshi asked sternly.
"Well, she can't, not right now. Maybe, when I'm absolutely sure that she really, really likes me, no matter what. Then I'll tell her…maybe," Oolong's rigid voice contained a note of desperation. Finally, his voice filled with tears, as he spoke again:
"Look, everyone, for the first time in a long time, I finally found a woman who I want and who just might want me in return. I don't want to blow things between us. I don't ask for much in life, honestly. I just want a woman who will love me and think that I'm the only one for her. Is that too much to ask?"
"No, of course not," Candy said consolingly. She looked at the anguished Oolong sympathetically. "Oolong, I'm sure there's someone out there for you."
"Yeah," Krillin added softly, patting Oolong's shoulder.
Marron offered one of her Candy Apple dolls to him. "Here, my Candy Apple The Nurse doll can keep you company until you find a girlfriend."
Oolong smiled gratefully, as he temporarily accepted the fashion doll. "Thanks, kid."
"She'll cheer you up," Marron promised him.
"It's going to be okay, Oolong," Umigame told him.
"Thanks everyone," Oolong told his friends. "I just want to wait a while before I tell Suiza the truth, okay?"
"Don't put it off for too long," Juuhachigou warned him.
"If you two are still seeing each other after this Saturday, why don't you invite her over here this Sunday for a barbeque that Roshi and I are having?" Candy suggested brightly.
"Really?" Oolong asked, his pig face lighting up. "Thanks, I will!"
Roshi looked at Candy strangely. "Candy, that was a great idea…except for one thing."
"What's that, darling?"
Roshi laughed nervously. "Since when were we having a barbeque?"
That same night…
"No way, Oolong!"
"Aw come, Puar, puh-leeeeeeze!"
"No! This has gone far enough, Oolong! You're telling Suiza the truth!"
"Puar, I can't, you know that! No human woman's going to want to date a pig; you told me so yourself," Oolong protested, as he skimmed through one of Roshi's less prurient porn magazines while he lay back on his blue satin-covered bed. Puar was resting on the footboard of his bed.
Puar crossed her purple arms. "Just how much longer do you plan to keep this charade up?"
"I-I don't know. I guess until I'm for certain Suiza really, really likes me. Then maybe when I tell her the truth, it won't matter," Oolong replied hopefully.
"You should have told the truth from the beginning," the feline scolded.
"I know, Puar, I know, but it's too late for that now. Look, I finally found a woman who doesn't run screaming in the other direction when I come near her. I haven't been that popular with women since I used to kidnap those girls from that village I used to terrorize. And those girls only wanted me then for what I could give them, which was why I had to constantly blackmail those villagers. Haven't you ever been in love, Puar?"
Before Puar could answer, she heard someone pawing and struggling with Oolong's one bedroom window. She meowed in fear.
"Someone's trying to break in!" she squeaked.
"Stay here, Puar," Oolong ordered, as he crept to the window as bravely as possible.
"Oh, Oolong, what if he has a gun?" Puar asked worriedly.
"Then we'll transform ourselves into bulletproof vests, okay?" Oolong said a bit impatiently, as he spotted a dark figure clad in black wearing a ski mask. Oolong transformed himself into his Nappa form and stomped closer to the window. He swiftly unlocked the window and shoved it open. Puar caught up to the window and now hesitantly hovered behind her friend.
His porcine jaw dropped when he saw a short, medium-built man, struggling to hold onto the window ledges. "Oolong, is that you?" the man asked.
Oolong's jaw dropped lower. "M-Master Roshi?"
"Why are you trying to break into your own house?" Puar squeaked, puzzled.
Master Roshi slapped his forehead. "Oh no! I broke into the wrong bedroom! I was supposed to break into my own, you see. Now I'm going to have to climb back down and start all over again."
"Why would you break into your own bedroom, old man?" Oolong asked, astonished.
Roshi chuckled nervously. "Well, you see, me and Candy were playing one of favorite games…Burglar. See, I pretend to be a burglar breaking into Candy's bedroom, and Candy is shocked to see me, and I demand she take off her clothes. So I strip too, and Candy sees how incredibly good-looking I am, and then she literally begs me to take her, and-"
"Yeah, yeah, old man, we get it. You and Candy are doing one of your role-playing games again. Well, go do it somewhere else!"
"Well, look at it this way, Oolong," Puar told him. "At least it's better than when they were playing Tarzan and Jane."
Oolong made a sour face at the mention of the last favorite role-playing game that Roshi and Candy had been playing. Roshi and Candy had spent weeks with their jungle game until Roshi made the mistake of tying a vine to his television antenna on the roof and swinging like the real Tarzan. Unfortunately Roshi's last stint in that role had been more George Of The Jungle than Tarzan when the poor old man crashed into his favorite palm tree and won a major concussion for his efforts. After that, Candy, fearing for her husband's life, had put a halt to any more Tarzan and Jane games.
Roshi laughed. "Umm…well, I'll climb down my ladder and go break into mine and Candy's bedroom now. Can't disappoint my future captive. See you two! Have a good night."
Oolong and Puar told him goodnight politely, both relieved to see him leave. And Roshi would leave all right-but not quite in the way he had expected.
"BOOM! CRASH!"
"Ow! Ohhhh!" Roshi cried, rubbing his now swollen head, as he lay in the sand below Oolong's window. The ladder, which had been unsteadily set when he had first climbed it, had slipped and plummeted to the ground, bringing a terrified Roshi with him.
"Are you okay?" Oolong shouted.
"I…think so…" Roshi groaned.
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The next morning, Kame House living room…
"Roshi, darling, I think we need to find some safer role-playing games," a very pregnant Candy told her husband worriedly, as she checked the numerous bandages with which she had wrapped his head. "The next time we do 'Burglar' could be your last."
"But I love our role-playing games, my dear!" Roshi protested.
Sitting on the couch, Juuhachigou sighed, as she brushed Marron's hair, "Can't you two just have old-fashioned bedroom activities, like most couples?"
"But our games really spice up our love life," Roshi insisted, as Candy changed the bandages on his bald head. "And Candy and I are trying to get all we can before Candy has the baby…'cause after that, we'll have to wait six long weeks before we can get any again."
"Get any what?" Marron wanted to know, hugging herself in her pink nightgown, as her mother drew some of her blonde hair into a short, cute pigtail.
"You know…" Roshi began, but the warning looks of both Candy and Juuhachigou prevented him from elaborating any further. Juuhachigou put the second of her daughter's two pigtails in her hair and released her, but Marron still sat on the couch.
Krillin, Umigame, Oolong, and Puar entered, with Umigame and Oolong snickering openly. Puar meowed a yawn; she had just spent the night at Kame House, and she was waiting for Yamucha to come by and pick her up to take her home.
"You feeling any better, Master Roshi?" Krillin asked. "I heard that was quite a fall you took."
"Well, that's one burglar that won't be raiding this house," Umigame commented, chuckling. Roshi shot his oldest friend a deadly glare.
"Listen, Turtle, just because you don't have a gorgeous wife like Candy to love and enjoy every night, doesn't give you the right to be so jealous!" Roshi scoffed. "Besides, when's the last time that you got any?"
"Got any what?" Marron inquired.
"Ice cream," Krillin interjected quickly. He held out his arms to his daughter. "How does rocky road sound?"
"Great!" Marron exclaimed happily, running into her father's arms.
"No," Juuhachigou said firmly. She raised an eyebrow at her husband, looking at him sternly. "Ice cream is not for breakfast. Marron can have waffles, strawberries, and whipped cream."
"I want that then!" Marron cried. "Please?" she added, after seeing her mother's reminding look to use her manners. Her mother nodded her consent, and Oolong and Krillin quickly licked their lips to remove the evidence of the rocky road ice cream they had eaten minutes ago.
Juuhachigou looked at Oolong and smirked. "I heard someone had a date last night! How'd it go?"
"It went great!" Oolong gushed. "Even though we had a few problems…" Within twenty minutes, he told everyone his story.
"And she still doesn't know that you're a pig?" Umigame asked with concern after Oolong had finished his tale. "Oolong, you really need to tell her the truth."
"No way!" Oolong exclaimed. "She won't want to go out with me then!"
"Well, if that's true, then she's not worth your time," Roshi told him. "Just be honest with her. You can't keep your true identity from her forever."
"Yeah, I can," Oolong argued. "With Puar's help, of course."
"I'm not getting further involved!" Puar shrieked. "Oolong, just tell her the truth! What's the worst that can happen?"
"That she won't want me," Oolong replied snappily. "And I really, really like her!"
"If you like her, then she has the right to know the truth," Candy told him firmly. "The right woman…or pig…or whomever…will love you for who you are on the inside."
"Candy's right," Roshi told his friend. "Look at me, Oolong. I never thought that I would be so lucky as to have a woman who loves me…and now I've got my Candy. And thanks to her, I'm going to be a daddy! I'm the luckiest old man in the world!" He looked at his wife adoringly, like he was a schoolboy. Candy's heart melted, and she ran a slim finger along his aged jaw line.
"See," Umigame said to Oolong triumphantly. "If a dirty old man can find true love, then so can you." Roshi cut his eyes at him.
"Yeah, if Master Roshi can get a beautiful woman to want him, then you should be able to," Puar added brightly.
"I'm afraid though," Oolong admitted. "I don't want to blow my chances with her by revealing who I really am." His voice suddenly grew sad. "I mean what am I really? Just a pig, a semi-perverted hog who can change his shape for only five minutes, with no job, nothing of real value, except for a huge panty collection. As for her, she owns her own businesses as well as leads a motorcycle gang; she's a success, and I'm not. What can I give her?"
"You can give her some of your panties," Marron offered innocently, and all the adults laughed, even Oolong.
Krillin patted Oolong's back kindly. "You have more to offer than you think. Just tell her the truth; if she doesn't want you then, there'll be other women."
Oolong stood up tall, for his short height. "You know what, everyone here is right! I am going to tell Suiza the truth this Saturday after our date, and if she's truly worth it, she'll still want to see me. If not, it's not the end of the world."
Everyone else agreed, and Oolong relaxed considerably. But Candy and Juuhachigou didn't remain as relaxed as he was. Juuhachigou cleared her throat and looked at Oolong with scrutiny.
"What's your problem?" Oolong asked her.
Juuhachigou crossed her arms and said quietly, "Now that panties had been brought up earlier, there's something I've been wanting to ask you."
Oolong grew uncomfortable. "O…kay…shoot."
The android said evenly, "My favorite purple, lacy thong has been missing for the past week, and I know that I have not worn it since it's been washed. Where is it?"
Oolong laughed nervously. "Don't know what you're talking about!"
Candy added edgily, "Oh, I think you do, Oolong, because my pair of furry, peachy briefs has been missing for two weeks, and I know that I have not worn them since I did the laundry, and Marron mentioned to me yesterday that you were playing with a very similar pair. Where are they?"
"Good question," Oolong answered quickly. "I sure wish I knew."
"I say," Juuhachigou replied sternly, "that we go take a quick peek at Oolong's prized panty collection."
"Good idea," Candy agreed.
"No, no, it isn't!" Oolong cried, as he transformed himself into a robin and flew away upstairs, determined to save himself from the two angry women who were sure to kill him once they found their missing underwear in his treasured panty stash.
"Get him!" Juuhachigou yelled in her battle cry, and she and Candy both dashed upstairs after the resident, perverted swine. Well, Juuhachigou dashed anyway, Candy merely marched, which was still a great effort for someone eight months pregnant. Either way, they were determined to make bacon out of Oolong.
*************************************************************************************************
Later that afternoon…
Oolong ruefully touched his bandaged head, a head nearly crushed by the fists and hands of both Candy and Juuhachigou. He had well learned his lesson today…not to take any more of their panties. He would never touch either woman's underwear again…well, at least not for a month. Puar hadn't been around to help him after the assaults; Yamucha had picked up his feline friend shortly after. Puar had very reluctantly agreed to help Oolong with his next date, even though she was going against her better judgment.
He was now sitting in his usual green chair, mindlessly watching the High-Life Shopping Network, the new shopping channel that featured expensive products targeted towards the very wealthy, such as twenty-two thousand dollar silver plates and four thousand dollar purses. Even though no one in Kame House, not even Candy, would ever consider buying the cable channel's goods, it was always interesting to see the smiling, well-groomed, snobby hosts selling products that only celebrities, heiresses, royalty, and other affluent people would think of dialing the number to order.
But currently on was a shopping show for men called, "Adam And Steve's", which was Master Roshi's second favorite program because it featured expensive products that were exclusively targeted towards "manly" men such as edible dishes and beer mugs, packs of disposable underwear and jeans, and dialing machines which gave various prerecorded excuses for men to skip work or cheat on their wives and girlfriends. Unfortunately, some of the products were considered to be rather tasteless, because of such items as lighted fish tanks shaped like a pair of women's breasts, video games in which one had to seduce a certain number of women to win, and the most recent addition: furniture and appliances shaped like curvy, nude women. And such a product was being displayed at this moment.
"Today, for the low, low price of nine thousand and nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine dollars, YOU can have this wonderfully crafted solid eighteen karat gold toilet, shaped like a beautiful, naked woman sitting down with her lap spread open. A man's dream come true! It automatically flushes when you stand up, is self-cleaning with the push of a button, and is stain-resistant, a guaranteed treasure that will last for years to come! Why, the Playboy mansion has already ordered twenty of these marvels! So how about it, gentlemen?" the bellowing voice of the bald man dressed in clean jeans and a flannel shirt crooned on the television. Unlike his more sophisticated counterparts, this host was an average "working Joe" who was supposed to be the ideal "manly man". And so far this host seemed to be bringing in many new male customers.
Candy fumed, "Of course, the Playboy mansion would order those things! Who else would bother to even want one of those?"
Sitting next to her on the couch was a drooling Roshi, who was panting like a thirsty retriever. He greedily reached over to grab the phone. "I'm ordering me one of those beauties right now!" But before he could dial the first number, Candy grabbed his wrist.
"Oh, no you don't! Those things cost too much, and there's no way that I'm having my husband sitting in some gold woman's lap or standing in front of her while he does his business."
"But you said the bathroom needed remodeling," Roshi protested feebly.
"We are NOT having a naked woman toilet in our bathroom!" Candy hissed.
"That's right," Juuhachigou, crossing her arms and narrowing her blue eyes, agreed. "Especially since Marron and I use that bathroom too. And I certainly don't want my husband sitting on one of those things."
The loud host rambled on, "And, this next toilet coming up, is for the sports fan that is too lazy to get up to use the bathroom, or go get a snack from the refrigerator. This toilet is exclusively for use in the den or the living room! It can be used a recliner between bathroom breaks, and it comes with a built-in refrigerator, a microwave, and even a special container for when a guy needs to pee, but doesn't feel like getting up to do so. Perfect for your favorite couch potato!"
"I want one of those!" both Master Roshi and Oolong declared.
"NO!" was the response from the women. Roshi and Oolong did not dare speak for a few more minutes.
Finally, Candy had calmed down enough to tell her husband, "Roshi, would you please change the channel to something else? Just for an hour?"
"Umm…sure thing, Candy," Roshi replied, pressing a button on the remote. He flipped through the many channels briefly, disappointed to find out that there was not one single women's aerobics program on.
Finally, he came to a channel that was featuring his third favorite TV show: Terri Singer, a curvy, voluptuous talk show hostess with long, blond hair, and green eyes. Terri was the hostess for her scandalous program, which featured everything, from nuns moonlighting as prostitutes to wives who were cheating on their husbands with their husbands' grandfathers to couples who served and worshipped goldfish as gods. Bizarre and other guests with unusual and abnormal lives were drawn to Terri's show like flies to dung.
After the crowd had finished shouting Terri's name, the blond, bubbly host announced, "Today on 'Terri Singer'…'Shape-shifting Spouses'!" The bouncy female, dressed as always in one of her aerobics outfits (her body and clothes were what had originally drawn Roshi to her show) compassionately rested her hand on a tall, handsome, sculpted man.
"Tell me, Louis," Terri said with the right amount of compassion. "What is this secret that you wish to share with your wife of two years?"
Louis sighed, "Well, Terri, the truth is…that I'm not really human. I graduated from the Shape-Shifting Academy, and before I learned how to pass myself off as a human…I was a toad."
"Oooh!" the audience gasped in amazement.
"Since your wife is not here yet, may we see your natural form?" Terri asked. Louis obliged, and within seconds, he had transformed into an ugly, gray, warty toad.
"Hey, I know him!" Oolong exclaimed. "He and I used to pal around together before we graduated."
"You mean when you cheated on your final exams to do so?" A chuckling Umigame couldn't resist.
Oolong looked menacingly at Umigame. "How'd you like for me to try some turtle soup tonight?"
"Only, if I can have baked ham," Umigame replied sweetly, and Oolong grudgingly fell silent.
A few minutes, later, Louis had changed back into his human form, and then his lovely, aristocratic wife, Naomi, was brought out onto the stage. Louis told her the truth, which Naomi didn't believe at first until her husband changed back into his natural toad form.
The sophisticated, well-dressed Naomi was horrified and disgusted. "Ugh! You mean that I've been kissing, sleeping with a…toad! I don't think I could ever touch you again! How could you deceive me like this?"
Louis apologized piteously, begging Naomi's forgiveness, hoping that she would still love him anyway. His pleas for love and absolution fell on deaf ears, as Naomi stood up, turned on her heel, and covered her mouth, as if she were about to vomit. Without a word of goodbye for her husband, Naomi rushed off the stage.
Louis the toad broke down into tears, and Terri spoke comforting words to him, even though she would not touch him in his natural form.
"Poor guy," Oolong whispered in pity.
"That's a shame indeed," Roshi commented.
"Awww!" Krillin moaned gently.
"He's so sad," Marron said in a mournful, low voice.
Candy and Juuhachigou and Umigame added other words of sympathy, even though all three felt that Louis should have been honest with his wife sooner. Everyone in the living room remained fascinated with the rest of the show, as other couples in which each had a shape-shifting spouse were brought out. And unfortunately, all the results were the same as with Louis and Naomi, with the "normal" spouses jilting or rejecting their husbands or wives.
Finally, mercifully, "Terri Springer" ended, and Oolong was despondent. He was hugging his knees, and his porcine chin was resting in between them.
"There's no way I can tell Suiza the truth, no way," Oolong said dejectedly and decisively at the same time. "She'll reject me just like all those husbands and wives did to their spouses. Nope, I will just have to find a way to keep Suiza from finding out what I really am."
"Oolong, you can't do that!" Krillin insisted. "If Suiza can't accept you for who you are, then you're better off without her."
"That's right," Umigame chimed in.
"Just tell her the next time you see her," Juuhachigou ordered.
"You can't go on with this deception forever," Candy added. "Especially, since you can only keep your shape for only five minutes."
"Good point," Roshi stated. He said to Oolong, "And just how long do you think you'll be able to pass yourself as a human man? Puar isn't always going to be around to take your place whenever you go on a date with Suiza. What if things get serious between you two? Have you thought that far?"
"I'll-I'll handle that if and when that happens," Oolong said firmly. "Right now, I'm just trying to get her to like me."
"How is she to do that, if she doesn't know who you truly are?" Roshi asked sternly.
"Well, she can't, not right now. Maybe, when I'm absolutely sure that she really, really likes me, no matter what. Then I'll tell her…maybe," Oolong's rigid voice contained a note of desperation. Finally, his voice filled with tears, as he spoke again:
"Look, everyone, for the first time in a long time, I finally found a woman who I want and who just might want me in return. I don't want to blow things between us. I don't ask for much in life, honestly. I just want a woman who will love me and think that I'm the only one for her. Is that too much to ask?"
"No, of course not," Candy said consolingly. She looked at the anguished Oolong sympathetically. "Oolong, I'm sure there's someone out there for you."
"Yeah," Krillin added softly, patting Oolong's shoulder.
Marron offered one of her Candy Apple dolls to him. "Here, my Candy Apple The Nurse doll can keep you company until you find a girlfriend."
Oolong smiled gratefully, as he temporarily accepted the fashion doll. "Thanks, kid."
"She'll cheer you up," Marron promised him.
"It's going to be okay, Oolong," Umigame told him.
"Thanks everyone," Oolong told his friends. "I just want to wait a while before I tell Suiza the truth, okay?"
"Don't put it off for too long," Juuhachigou warned him.
"If you two are still seeing each other after this Saturday, why don't you invite her over here this Sunday for a barbeque that Roshi and I are having?" Candy suggested brightly.
"Really?" Oolong asked, his pig face lighting up. "Thanks, I will!"
Roshi looked at Candy strangely. "Candy, that was a great idea…except for one thing."
"What's that, darling?"
Roshi laughed nervously. "Since when were we having a barbeque?"