Chapter Six: Oolong's Second Date With Suiza
Saturday, Satan City streets…
"Oolong, this is getting ridiculous!" Puar, annoyed, hissed. "How much longer are we going to go through this?"
"Just 'til I get around to telling Suiza the truth, that's all!" Oolong protested, as he sat on his friend, who was once again a motorcycle. Oolong was forcing Puar to "drive" at forty miles per hour on city streets. "Please, Puar, I promise when you find someone you like, I'll do the same for you."
"That's going to be a stretch, considering that you can only shape-shift for five minutes!" Puar the motorcycle yelled, irritated with the speed and the wind whipping at her metal body. "How are we going to go through with this date with Suiza? Even you and I can't leave the movie theater every five minutes; we'll get kicked out."
"I'm going to talk Suiza into sitting in the back of the theater, then I'll just go for frequent potty breaks and snack breaks…I'll just let Suiza think that I'm a pig-no, wait, I didn't mean-"
The cat-turned-motorcycle howled with laughter. "Yeah, Oolong, why don't you just tell her that you're a pig? Considering the way you eat in movie theaters, she's going to think you're one anyway, so why not just tell her the truth?"
"For the last time, no!" Oolong insisted. "I can't let Suiza know, not yet."
"Well, when do you plan to tell her?" Puar demanded to know.
"Soon, soon, I promise," Oolong hedged, trying to put her off. "Now, are we almost there?"
"Yes, Oolong, we are! In fact, we'll be there in less than a minute!" Puar cried. "If you're going to change into human form, the time is now!"
Oolong wasted no time into changing his Nappa look-alike alter ego, and he had transformed just in time before he and Puar caught sight of the cinema coming up ahead.
As she turned into the Showtime Movie Cinema, she and Oolong both saw Suiza checking the oil in her motorcycle, a custom-made red-and-orange Harley Davidson. Suiza had her hair braided into two cornrows, and she was wearing a tight red tube top under a worn, fringed, black leather jacket; she also wore leather snakeskin pants with pearly bubble studs on the sides and bootleg cuffs over red leather boots. Oolong was drooling heavily, as he looked over her curvy body appreciatively. He casually parked the bike.
Suiza waved to Oolong. "There you are, handsome! Just let me check the oil in my bike here, and we'll be set to see Bulletproof."
"No problem."
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"All right, now tell me where you've stashed my woman and the goods, or I'll blow what few brains you have out!"
"Don't shoot me, please! I'll tell you, I'll tell you!"
"Start speaking then, bub."
"We took your dame to the-AHH! MY CHEST!"
"BANG, BANG, BANG!"
Eruptions of gunfire followed shortly after the harassed thug had fallen. The ex-gangster hero had now become embroiled in a shootout with the head hit men. Oolong and Suiza and Puar (undercover as Oolong's leather jacket) watched, stupefied and impressed. Well, Oolong and Suiza were impressed, but Puar was terrified; she did not like violent movies, and she kept her eyes closed during the killing parts.
How on Earth did she let Oolong talk her into these situations?
So far, she and Oolong had almost no problems pulling off their ruse, thanks to a new last-minute plan that they had concocted. Whenever Oolong's five minutes were up, he would drop something or spill popcorn or candy, any excuse to get down to the floor. Since Suiza had been so engrossed in the movie, she hadn't paid much attention, as Oolong's "jacket" had conveniently slid to the floor at the same time. In the cover of darkness, Oolong and Puar would switch forms, with Oolong metamorphosing into the jacket and Puar transforming into Oolong's human form.
The movie was two-thirds of the way finished when the real Oolong, in his human form, casually laid back and wrapped his arm around Suiza's slender shoulders. And to his relief and pleasure, Suiza allowed him. She leaned into the crook of his arm, and she sighed a contented "ah", as the antihero saved his love interest. The dark, brooding, bald spy wasted no time in carrying his woman to the nearest and safest empty room to make hot, passionate love to her; the spy even ignored his cell phone ringing to spend time with his lady.
"Ah, I'd love for a man to do all that for me," Suiza whispered in an unusually wistful tone for her. "He wouldn't have to be super-strong, or even that good with guns, but he'd have to be willing to risk all, you know?"
"Yeah…" Oolong breathed. He leaned his Nappa-like face closer to Suiza, and Suiza leaned towards him with a mischievous smile. Her hand brushed against the top of his human one, and Oolong shivered in delight. He dared to hold her closer to him. He wanted to tell her that he'd risk all for her, but he figured that it was too soon to say so. After all, he had only known her for about a week, if that.
But he saw her eyes looking at him longingly, even in the darkness of the theater, and he wondered if he should try to kiss her. Their lips were almost touching, and Suiza's forehead was brushing against his.
"Oolong," Suiza whispered gruffly. "I know this is awfully sudden, but…"
"It's okay, Suiza, I feel the same way, really."
"Glad you do, Ooos…" Suiza murmured, as her lips slowly brushed against his. Oolong took that as his cue to carry things a bit further, and he pressed his lips against Suiza's. Holding her tighter, he leaned into her, kissing her gently at first, but then more firmly. Suiza wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into him.
"Let me know, if I'm going too fast," she whispered between kisses.
"Isn't the guy supposed to say that?" Oolong asked wonderingly, as he joined his lips with hers once more.
Suiza laughed, long and deep. "You're one of a kind, Ooos, you are; don't think I've ever quite known anyone like you. It's been a while since I had this good a time." And she kissed him again.
Oolong had both arms around her by this time, and he dared to lightly caress her hip. Suiza gave no objection, as their kisses continued to deepen. They lost themselves in the moment, paying no attention to the next gunfight between the ex-gangster antihero and the main villain.
Suiza slid her hand onto Oolong's shirt-covered chest, daring to caress his pecs. Oolong trembled in embarrassed delight; no woman had ever openly felt on him like this. He wondered what he should do next, as his lips began traveling down to her neck.
He was so absorbed in his making out with his date that he paid no attention to a certain little beep…THE beep that always told him when his time was up.
But Puar had heard Oolong's watch beep, and she, in her leather jacket form, panicked. Hastily, she morphed into a large needle and quickly stabbed Oolong in his thigh.
"OUCH!" Oolong yelped, jumping back from a stunned Suiza. It was only in the following moments that he heard the beeping of his watch, and frantically he dived to the floor.
"Oolong, what's going on?" Suiza exclaimed.
Oh, no! She was still watching him, and any moment, he'd turn back into his pig form. There was only one thing to do: grab his "jacket" and run out of the theater as fast as he could.
And so he did. He yelled back at Suiza, as he was dragging Puar-the-jacket along the seats, "Got the runs! Will be back!"
"Ow, ow, ow!" Puar meowed painfully, as her body kept hitting the armrests. She was thankful that only she, Oolong, and Suiza had been sitting in that particular back row.
Within seconds, Oolong was scurrying up the aisle with poor Puar in tow, and as they came upon the front entrance leading out of the darkened room, Oolong felt himself began to change shape. As soon as the door swung shut behind him and Puar, the hunky human man had disappeared, and a short, panting, relieved pig had taken his place.
"Whew!" Oolong sighed. "That was close! We almost blew it for a moment there!"
"WE?" Puar hissed furiously.
"Okay, okay, me," Oolong stammered sheepishly, holding out his hands in protest.
"And just how are you going to explain this latest disappearance to Suiza?" Puar asked reprovingly.
"I told her I had the runs-you, know diarrhea and stuff. Oh, I hate that I can only keep any form for five minutes!"
"And whose fault is that?" Puar asked reproachfully.
Oolong sighed-but then, he became frantic. "Puar, you have to go back in there to Suiza for me! Please!"
"Just wait, Oolong," Puar told him impatiently. "You told her that you had the runs, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, just let her think you have diarrhea for now. That way, if you do have to leave again, you'll have an excuse other than those 'potty breaks'."
"Works for me," Oolong said with relief. "Don't know what I'd do without you, Puar."
"I don't know either," Puar sighed. She wondered just how much longer they were going to be able to keep this up.
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Suiza pitied Oolong. If he hadn't mentioned having "the runs", she would have been furious that he had run out on her so suddenly. A fun guy (and a good kisser) he could be though-when he didn't have bowel or urinary problems.
Toying with a few straw locks of golden hair, she speculated on just how much longer she should put off telling Oolong her true identity. He thought he was kissing a human woman when he was really kissing a sow. Was it really fair for her to keep leading him on the way that she was?
Before Teal, having to hide the fact that she was a pig had not been a problem. Before she and Teal started dating, she had only dated other shape-shifters, and she could be honest with them. She and Bigfoot had even dated briefly for a short time, but after a few dates, they had decided they were better off as just being friends. And then after Bigfoot, she met Teal, the first non-shape-shifter that she ever became seriously involved with.
Teal had been fun back in those days, but then he started becoming too possessive of her, especially after they had started sleeping together. He tried to control his girlfriend's every move, insisted on making her account for every minute of her time away from him. And Suiza had continued putting off telling Teal that she was not really human, and Teal had suspected that she was hiding something from him. But he had, of course, never suspected that Suiza wasn't human.
Instead, he thought that Suiza was seeing another man behind his back-and it was something that he intended to end.
She and Teal had fought endlessly about that, with Suiza angrily insisting that Teal was the only man in her life. Then one night, a drunk driver hit Bigfoot's truck, and Bigfoot, who was in his human form at the time, had to go to the hospital. When Scam, who had been with him, called Suiza, she canceled an upcoming date with Teal to go to the hospital. She had been so rushed and so worried about Bigfoot, that she had not had time to give Teal the explanation she knew that he would demand of why she was not seeing him that night.
Teal had tried to track Suiza down to see what she was really doing, but none of the other Leathernecks had known about Bigfoot and Scam's accident until much later afterwards, so no one could tell him where his girlfriend was. Finally, Teal parked his motorcycle outside of Suiza's apartment, where she had been living at the time before she opened up her businesses. He waited for her until she got home.
When Suiza came home to her apartment, she was with another man, Horace, who was the brother of the girl that Scam had been seeing at the time. Horace had been a tall, handsome, muscle-bound man who had granted Scam's request to drive Suiza home in his Thunderbird.
The moment that Teal had seen Suiza and Horace together, he was furious, believing that Suiza had canceled their date to go out with someone else. The moment that Suiza and Horace climbed out of the Thunderbird, Teal had dashed out of nowhere and beaten up Horace until Horace was bloodied and bruised. Suiza had yelled at Teal, ordering him to leave Horace alone, but after Teal had released the barely breathing Horace, he started screaming obscenities and nasty names at his girlfriend, accusing her of cheating on him. Suiza tried to explain that Horace was a friend of Scam's, but Teal claimed that he didn't believe her.
After that disastrous episode that night, Suiza had promptly dumped him, telling him never to bother her again. Teal had been apologetic, sending her flowers and candy, but Suiza was having none of it. Teal had acted that way before every time that they had fought, and she was tired of him acting as if he was her warden, instead of her boyfriend.
That had seemed a lifetime ago, although the breakup was actually only a month old. When she had first seen Oolong with that strange, floating feline, Suiza had known then that she was ready to start dating again. She had told herself that she would take things slow and not rush this potential relationship.
And yet, today, she had broken her own rules. She had promised that she would not let herself get that close to Oolong, but the chemistry she felt between them was too hard to resist. She had allowed herself to make out with him, to enjoy being in his arms, with his lips against hers.
Once again, she was thinking with her heart instead of her head. And to think that being with Teal would have taught her better than that! Was it possible that she was using Oolong to get over Teal? Was she on the rebound and just using Oolong as a possible "transitional boyfriend" in the way that Blue often used Scam when Blue was between boyfriends? That was something Blue would do, but not her! No, Suiza Harvey was supposed to have better sense, just like her Aunt Louisa, who had raised her, had taught her?
Suiza took a deep breath. No, she was going to have to slow down. No more make-out sessions with Oolong until she knew him better, no matter how good he made her feel. She had to take things one step at a time.
And she would have to eventually gather the courage to tell Oolong the truth about what and who she really was. She couldn't put it off forever the way that she had done with Teal, whom she had never told her secret.
No, she could not-and would not-repeat the mistakes she had made with Teal.
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Two hours later…
Oolong and Suiza and Puar had gone out to dinner afterwards at a nearby sports bar that was a favorite of bike racing fans. Oolong continued to have "the runs", since it was not as easy for him and Puar to switch places with each other every five minutes now that they were in a place with more light. Puar had advised against the "need-to-scratch-my-ankle" routine that they had done on Oolong's last date with Suiza.
After Oolong had returned from his twenty-fifth time to the restroom since he and Suiza had entered the sports bar, he could tell that Suiza wasn't too happy. He feared that it was his frequent disappearing acts, but he was afraid to ask. Suiza hadn't been responsive since they had left the movie theater, and when Oolong had tried to be affectionate with her, Suiza had stiffened. Finally, he decided to take the chance and ask her what was wrong.
"Suiza, did I do anything to upset you today?"
"Nah, Ooos, it's not you," Suiza had replied glumly, although Oolong's frequent disappearances were puzzling to her. Sure, he had diarrhea, but she had never known someone with it that was badly affected. But it wasn't so much Oolong's numerous trips to the men's room that was bothering her, as much as her thoughts about her past relationship with Teal and her worries about how far to go in this one with Oolong. "Just had something on my mind."
"Give you a nickel for your thoughts," Oolong offered.
Suiza took a puff of one of her trademark strawberry cigars. "Ah, thanks. Well, I won't charge you the nickel, Oolong. I apologize for being the way I am in the past few hours, but I was thinking that maybe we were rushing things too fast."
"Oh, Suiza, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"Hey, easy, Oolong, easy! It's just I broke up with Teal only a month ago, and I don't want to use you as a rebound man. I'd rather take things a bit slower than we have been. I mean, we can still see each other often and stuff, but let's hold off the making out 'til we get to know each other a bit better, okay?"
"Um, sure thing, Suiza," Oolong said, carefully concealing his disappointment. He had really enjoyed kissing and necking with her, but he understood. At least, she wasn't completely rejecting him. "We can still go out as friends, can't we?"
"Sure!" Suiza enthused, relieved that Oolong wasn't going to try to pressure her. "What would you like to do after we leave?"
"Go home," Puar-the-leather-jacket on the back of Oolong's chair whispered insistently. But Oolong ignored her.
"Let's go to Boudoir!" he exclaimed before he thought. After that, the sleeve of his "jacket" grew a finger and a thumb and pinched his arm hard.
"Ow!" Oolong exclaimed, seizing the cuff of his fake jacket. The cuff of the jacket nipped at him angrily. "Now see here!" he cried to his jacket. "That was not necessary!"
Suiza's eyes had bulged, and she was wondering how Oolong was acting stranger than she was. After all, it had been she who had the two beers, not him. "Ooos, are you okay?" she asked.
Oolong grinned awkwardly at his date. "Yeah, Suiza, I am! My jacket sometimes gives me trouble! Hard to keep it off of the floor…yeah, that's it."
"Hmm…" Suiza said skeptically.
"Hehheh, sorry about that!" Oolong apologized quickly. "Diarrhea does funny things to me."
To his relief, Suiza managed a chuckle. "It's okay, Oolong, that's fine. Strange piece of leather you've got there though. Now you said that you wanted to go to Boudoir? What's that?"
"My favorite lingerie shop!" Oolong cried out, again before he thought. This time the cuff of his "jacket" turned into a black, leather fist and punched him hard against his thigh.
"That's it," Puar whispered. "We're going home-NOW!"
"No way!" Oolong fumed.
Suiza continued to look at them both strangely, and Oolong, noticing, laughed nervously. "Pay me no mind! I sometimes talk to the old girl!"
Suiza shook her head, but smiled indulgently. "I'm never bored when you're around, Oolong, that's for sure. Well, this is the first date I've had where a man wanted to go look in a lingerie shop, but I might need some new underwear anyway, so hey, why not? Lead the way!"
"Gladly!" Oolong declared, as Puar-the-jacket punched him once more. "Ow!"
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Boudoir at Satan City Mall…
Oolong flashed an evil grin at the elderly saleswoman. If she had known that the tall, bald man dressed in black leather was really the despised, perverted pig that she had chased out of her shop several times, she would have tossed him out the door. As it was, she still looked strangely at him and the biker woman he was escorting, but customers were customers, no matter who they were, or how they were dressed.
"Fancy place," Suiza said with a low whistle. "Fancy prices I imagine too, but nice! So, which girl introduced you to this shop?"
"My best friend's wife, Candy, and our roommate, Juuhachigou," Oolong told her honestly. "They shop here quite a bit too."
"They have good taste," Suiza noted, feeling a pair of white silky panties that were in a sales bin. "I like these."
"Me too!" Oolong panted excitedly at the various pairs of ladies' underwear. "Wait 'til you see their bras! You'll really flip then! I know I did!"
Suiza looked at Oolong, as if Oolong had suggested that Suiza strip right there in the store. "Umm…you sound like you're a regular customer here. Hey, do you wear these things or something?"
"Only on his head, at least…as far as I know," Puar quipped out loud, before she could restrain herself.
"What did you say?" Suiza asked.
Oolong slapped his Puar-jacket hard on one of its shoulders. "Wasn't me, Suize, don't know where that came from."
"Must have been a customer," Suiza agreed, deciding to give her strange date the benefit of the doubt…and remembering that she had been doing that almost since she met him. Still, things never seemed to be dull with him around.
Once again, Oolong's watch beeped, and he said, "Oops, there goes the runs again! Be back!" And he ran towards the elderly head saleswoman.
"Lady, I need to use your restroom!" he cried.
"It's broken, young man, I'm sorry," the saleswoman replied.
"Ahh! What am I supposed to do?" Oolong cried frantically. Finally, he had no choice, but to run out of the lingerie shop, and as far away from Suiza's sight as he could.
After a few agonizing minutes, Oolong and Puar returned, and when they did, Suiza was buying three pairs of underwear and one bra.
"Great choices!" he cried, seeing that Suiza had bought three satin thongs.
"Thanks, Ooos!" Suiza said happily. "I hope that your encounter with the runs clears up soon."
"I hope it does too," meowed a huffy voice.
Oolong slapped his "jacket" on its shoulder again.
"Where'd you get such great panties?" Oolong asked Suiza.
Suiza replied, "There's a buy two, get one free offer in that bin over there." She pointed to a different sales bin than the one where she and Oolong had previously been. Oolong wasted no time in dashing over there to buy some for himself.
"Here, ring these up!" he told the elderly saleswoman, returning with three pairs of bikini panties.
"Hehheh!" Suiza laughed. "Now just who are those for?"
"Me-no, I mean you, well, I mean-"
"Oolong," Suiza told him gently. "I appreciate the offer, but those aren't my size. Is there a fetish you have with ladies' undies that I don't know about?"
"Umm…yeah, you could say that."
"Don't worry," Puar whispered. "He just wears them on his head, nowhere else."
"Who said that?" the saleswoman asked, puzzled.
Slap went Oolong's palm on Puar-the-jacket!
"Hey, I have no problem if a man likes ladies' undies!" Suiza declared, much to Oolong's relief. "So, do you like collecting them or something?"
"You betcha!" Oolong said excitedly. And then his face fell. "Oops. You probably won't want to see more anymore…if you don't, I'll understand-"
"Hey, calm down, Ooos, so you have a fetish! I used to collect Playthings magazines before someone broke into my last place and stole them. Pity 'cause some of them were worth money."
"You read Playthings?" Oolong asked hopefully. Playthings was a porn magazine for both men and women that happened to be one of Master Roshi and Oolong's favorites.
"Yup. And Sweet Cheeks and Bunny-Buns too, when they feature men. I love those kinds of mags, even though I know many women don't. Yep, Oolong, I will confess that I like looking at dirty mags and movies every now and then."
Oolong was oddly enchanted. "And you don't object to my panty fetish at all?"
"Not in the least bit! You collect panties; I collect men's boxers. Sometimes I wear them, but most of the time, I just like having them for souvenirs. There's nothing sexier than a man in boxers."
The saleswoman was trying not to pay any attention to this conversation, as she rang up Oolong's purchases and bagged them. Oolong and Suiza grinned at each other, enjoying the shock that the saleswoman was trying to hide. They had now found some common ground.
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Oolong and Suiza were now enjoying some ice cream, and Oolong and Puar had switched places without Suiza's knowledge, so that Puar could have some ice cream too. Suiza had thought it was a bit strange that Oolong had eaten both a banana spilt and a hot fudge sundae, but hey, he was a big man after all.
Any remaining tension between Suiza and Oolong had relaxed considerably, even though Oolong continued to have to go to the restroom. Sometimes Puar would take Oolong's place for more than ten minutes to make things easier for her friend, and then afterwards she and Oolong would switch places. Puar found Suiza strange, but likable. She could see what Oolong saw in her now, even though their relationship was likely to give Puar an early heart attack. But now once again, Puar was the jacket, and Oolong was the human.
"Feeling better?" Suiza asked Oolong, after she had insisted on buying him some medicine for his diarrhea. She was smoking one of her strawberry cigars; Oolong had told her he didn't mind it, but Puar didn't share his opinion.
"Oh definitely," the real Oolong replied. "It did help, that it did."
Afterwards, Suiza told some great jokes, especially dirty ones, which Oolong laughed at, and Puar cringed.
"Okay, tell me, if you've heard this one," Suiza said. "Superman sees Wonder Woman lying on a beach, so he figures he'd get some from her while she's asleep, so he flies down and has his way with her, but she doesn't respond, so finally he gives up and leaves. So Wonder Woman wakes up, but when she does, she wraps her arms around Invisible Man, who just woke up and is lying on top of her, and he's rubbing his behind. Wonder Woman asks him what's wrong, and he says, "I'm not sure what happened, but my butt sure does feel sore!"
Oolong laughed out loud, but Puar would have gagged and thrown up, had she been able to reveal herself. "You sure are funny, Suize!" he cried happily.
"That's an oldie, but a goodie. So, do you have any jokes?"
"Nah, I can't tell 'em like you can."
"I'm sure you could once you get the right ones."
"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. You're fun to be with, you know that, Suiza? You're not like any other woman I've met before."
"Ditto," Suiza confirmed. "And.…I like you, Oolong, and we've had a good time so far, haven't we?"
"We sure had," Oolong admitted. Despite what he was putting himself and Puar through for this chance with a woman he was starting to care for, he considered the efforts worth it. He just hoped that Puar wouldn't bail out on him anytime soon.
"You know what I like best about you though, Oolong?" Suiza asked him.
"What's that?"
"Your honesty. You're not afraid to be your real self. You don't do all that faking and bravado that I've seen so many other guys do. That's refreshing. I wish that I could be as open as you are."
"Ditto," Puar whispered.
Once again, Oolong's hand went slap! "Sorry, there was a mosquito."
"No prob. But you know, you're real, Oolong," Suiza said fervently. "It's like you're an open book. I could learn from you. There's nothing fake about you. It's cool to be with a guy who is always himself, not someone he's not."
Oolong gulped. If Suiza only knew…what would she think? She'd probably think him no better than that Teal character. How could he ever tell her the truth now, and let her know what a phony he truly was?
"What's wrong, Ooos? You seem upset."
"It's nothing, Suize, nothing really. I'm okay, really."
"BEEP! BEEP!"
Time to switch again!
"Oops, there go my runs!" Oolong said quickly, and Suiza laughed.
"Better double up on the medicine," was all she said.
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Later that night, Oolong's bedroom…
Suiza had said she would be coming to the barbeque-only, Oolong later found out that Roshi had talked Candy into rescheduling it for two weeks later. Candy had agreed, especially since tomorrow it was supposed to rain.
Oolong lay awake in his bed, worried about what he was going to do about Suiza. Suiza thought him honest and funny, and while the funny part could be true, the honesty part surely wasn't. Suiza was not only going to be upset that he was a pig; she would hate it that he had deceived her.
What was he going to do now?
He knew! He would tell Suiza at Candy's rescheduled barbeque! That way, if she did get upset with him, maybe she would be more likely to hold her temper with other people around. And his friends could be there for moral support, if Suiza let Oolong down.
Yes, the barbeque! He would unburden himself and tell Suiza everything. He could put it off no longer than that.
Satisfied with his plan, Oolong fell asleep.
Saturday, Satan City streets…
"Oolong, this is getting ridiculous!" Puar, annoyed, hissed. "How much longer are we going to go through this?"
"Just 'til I get around to telling Suiza the truth, that's all!" Oolong protested, as he sat on his friend, who was once again a motorcycle. Oolong was forcing Puar to "drive" at forty miles per hour on city streets. "Please, Puar, I promise when you find someone you like, I'll do the same for you."
"That's going to be a stretch, considering that you can only shape-shift for five minutes!" Puar the motorcycle yelled, irritated with the speed and the wind whipping at her metal body. "How are we going to go through with this date with Suiza? Even you and I can't leave the movie theater every five minutes; we'll get kicked out."
"I'm going to talk Suiza into sitting in the back of the theater, then I'll just go for frequent potty breaks and snack breaks…I'll just let Suiza think that I'm a pig-no, wait, I didn't mean-"
The cat-turned-motorcycle howled with laughter. "Yeah, Oolong, why don't you just tell her that you're a pig? Considering the way you eat in movie theaters, she's going to think you're one anyway, so why not just tell her the truth?"
"For the last time, no!" Oolong insisted. "I can't let Suiza know, not yet."
"Well, when do you plan to tell her?" Puar demanded to know.
"Soon, soon, I promise," Oolong hedged, trying to put her off. "Now, are we almost there?"
"Yes, Oolong, we are! In fact, we'll be there in less than a minute!" Puar cried. "If you're going to change into human form, the time is now!"
Oolong wasted no time into changing his Nappa look-alike alter ego, and he had transformed just in time before he and Puar caught sight of the cinema coming up ahead.
As she turned into the Showtime Movie Cinema, she and Oolong both saw Suiza checking the oil in her motorcycle, a custom-made red-and-orange Harley Davidson. Suiza had her hair braided into two cornrows, and she was wearing a tight red tube top under a worn, fringed, black leather jacket; she also wore leather snakeskin pants with pearly bubble studs on the sides and bootleg cuffs over red leather boots. Oolong was drooling heavily, as he looked over her curvy body appreciatively. He casually parked the bike.
Suiza waved to Oolong. "There you are, handsome! Just let me check the oil in my bike here, and we'll be set to see Bulletproof."
"No problem."
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"All right, now tell me where you've stashed my woman and the goods, or I'll blow what few brains you have out!"
"Don't shoot me, please! I'll tell you, I'll tell you!"
"Start speaking then, bub."
"We took your dame to the-AHH! MY CHEST!"
"BANG, BANG, BANG!"
Eruptions of gunfire followed shortly after the harassed thug had fallen. The ex-gangster hero had now become embroiled in a shootout with the head hit men. Oolong and Suiza and Puar (undercover as Oolong's leather jacket) watched, stupefied and impressed. Well, Oolong and Suiza were impressed, but Puar was terrified; she did not like violent movies, and she kept her eyes closed during the killing parts.
How on Earth did she let Oolong talk her into these situations?
So far, she and Oolong had almost no problems pulling off their ruse, thanks to a new last-minute plan that they had concocted. Whenever Oolong's five minutes were up, he would drop something or spill popcorn or candy, any excuse to get down to the floor. Since Suiza had been so engrossed in the movie, she hadn't paid much attention, as Oolong's "jacket" had conveniently slid to the floor at the same time. In the cover of darkness, Oolong and Puar would switch forms, with Oolong metamorphosing into the jacket and Puar transforming into Oolong's human form.
The movie was two-thirds of the way finished when the real Oolong, in his human form, casually laid back and wrapped his arm around Suiza's slender shoulders. And to his relief and pleasure, Suiza allowed him. She leaned into the crook of his arm, and she sighed a contented "ah", as the antihero saved his love interest. The dark, brooding, bald spy wasted no time in carrying his woman to the nearest and safest empty room to make hot, passionate love to her; the spy even ignored his cell phone ringing to spend time with his lady.
"Ah, I'd love for a man to do all that for me," Suiza whispered in an unusually wistful tone for her. "He wouldn't have to be super-strong, or even that good with guns, but he'd have to be willing to risk all, you know?"
"Yeah…" Oolong breathed. He leaned his Nappa-like face closer to Suiza, and Suiza leaned towards him with a mischievous smile. Her hand brushed against the top of his human one, and Oolong shivered in delight. He dared to hold her closer to him. He wanted to tell her that he'd risk all for her, but he figured that it was too soon to say so. After all, he had only known her for about a week, if that.
But he saw her eyes looking at him longingly, even in the darkness of the theater, and he wondered if he should try to kiss her. Their lips were almost touching, and Suiza's forehead was brushing against his.
"Oolong," Suiza whispered gruffly. "I know this is awfully sudden, but…"
"It's okay, Suiza, I feel the same way, really."
"Glad you do, Ooos…" Suiza murmured, as her lips slowly brushed against his. Oolong took that as his cue to carry things a bit further, and he pressed his lips against Suiza's. Holding her tighter, he leaned into her, kissing her gently at first, but then more firmly. Suiza wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into him.
"Let me know, if I'm going too fast," she whispered between kisses.
"Isn't the guy supposed to say that?" Oolong asked wonderingly, as he joined his lips with hers once more.
Suiza laughed, long and deep. "You're one of a kind, Ooos, you are; don't think I've ever quite known anyone like you. It's been a while since I had this good a time." And she kissed him again.
Oolong had both arms around her by this time, and he dared to lightly caress her hip. Suiza gave no objection, as their kisses continued to deepen. They lost themselves in the moment, paying no attention to the next gunfight between the ex-gangster antihero and the main villain.
Suiza slid her hand onto Oolong's shirt-covered chest, daring to caress his pecs. Oolong trembled in embarrassed delight; no woman had ever openly felt on him like this. He wondered what he should do next, as his lips began traveling down to her neck.
He was so absorbed in his making out with his date that he paid no attention to a certain little beep…THE beep that always told him when his time was up.
But Puar had heard Oolong's watch beep, and she, in her leather jacket form, panicked. Hastily, she morphed into a large needle and quickly stabbed Oolong in his thigh.
"OUCH!" Oolong yelped, jumping back from a stunned Suiza. It was only in the following moments that he heard the beeping of his watch, and frantically he dived to the floor.
"Oolong, what's going on?" Suiza exclaimed.
Oh, no! She was still watching him, and any moment, he'd turn back into his pig form. There was only one thing to do: grab his "jacket" and run out of the theater as fast as he could.
And so he did. He yelled back at Suiza, as he was dragging Puar-the-jacket along the seats, "Got the runs! Will be back!"
"Ow, ow, ow!" Puar meowed painfully, as her body kept hitting the armrests. She was thankful that only she, Oolong, and Suiza had been sitting in that particular back row.
Within seconds, Oolong was scurrying up the aisle with poor Puar in tow, and as they came upon the front entrance leading out of the darkened room, Oolong felt himself began to change shape. As soon as the door swung shut behind him and Puar, the hunky human man had disappeared, and a short, panting, relieved pig had taken his place.
"Whew!" Oolong sighed. "That was close! We almost blew it for a moment there!"
"WE?" Puar hissed furiously.
"Okay, okay, me," Oolong stammered sheepishly, holding out his hands in protest.
"And just how are you going to explain this latest disappearance to Suiza?" Puar asked reprovingly.
"I told her I had the runs-you, know diarrhea and stuff. Oh, I hate that I can only keep any form for five minutes!"
"And whose fault is that?" Puar asked reproachfully.
Oolong sighed-but then, he became frantic. "Puar, you have to go back in there to Suiza for me! Please!"
"Just wait, Oolong," Puar told him impatiently. "You told her that you had the runs, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, just let her think you have diarrhea for now. That way, if you do have to leave again, you'll have an excuse other than those 'potty breaks'."
"Works for me," Oolong said with relief. "Don't know what I'd do without you, Puar."
"I don't know either," Puar sighed. She wondered just how much longer they were going to be able to keep this up.
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Suiza pitied Oolong. If he hadn't mentioned having "the runs", she would have been furious that he had run out on her so suddenly. A fun guy (and a good kisser) he could be though-when he didn't have bowel or urinary problems.
Toying with a few straw locks of golden hair, she speculated on just how much longer she should put off telling Oolong her true identity. He thought he was kissing a human woman when he was really kissing a sow. Was it really fair for her to keep leading him on the way that she was?
Before Teal, having to hide the fact that she was a pig had not been a problem. Before she and Teal started dating, she had only dated other shape-shifters, and she could be honest with them. She and Bigfoot had even dated briefly for a short time, but after a few dates, they had decided they were better off as just being friends. And then after Bigfoot, she met Teal, the first non-shape-shifter that she ever became seriously involved with.
Teal had been fun back in those days, but then he started becoming too possessive of her, especially after they had started sleeping together. He tried to control his girlfriend's every move, insisted on making her account for every minute of her time away from him. And Suiza had continued putting off telling Teal that she was not really human, and Teal had suspected that she was hiding something from him. But he had, of course, never suspected that Suiza wasn't human.
Instead, he thought that Suiza was seeing another man behind his back-and it was something that he intended to end.
She and Teal had fought endlessly about that, with Suiza angrily insisting that Teal was the only man in her life. Then one night, a drunk driver hit Bigfoot's truck, and Bigfoot, who was in his human form at the time, had to go to the hospital. When Scam, who had been with him, called Suiza, she canceled an upcoming date with Teal to go to the hospital. She had been so rushed and so worried about Bigfoot, that she had not had time to give Teal the explanation she knew that he would demand of why she was not seeing him that night.
Teal had tried to track Suiza down to see what she was really doing, but none of the other Leathernecks had known about Bigfoot and Scam's accident until much later afterwards, so no one could tell him where his girlfriend was. Finally, Teal parked his motorcycle outside of Suiza's apartment, where she had been living at the time before she opened up her businesses. He waited for her until she got home.
When Suiza came home to her apartment, she was with another man, Horace, who was the brother of the girl that Scam had been seeing at the time. Horace had been a tall, handsome, muscle-bound man who had granted Scam's request to drive Suiza home in his Thunderbird.
The moment that Teal had seen Suiza and Horace together, he was furious, believing that Suiza had canceled their date to go out with someone else. The moment that Suiza and Horace climbed out of the Thunderbird, Teal had dashed out of nowhere and beaten up Horace until Horace was bloodied and bruised. Suiza had yelled at Teal, ordering him to leave Horace alone, but after Teal had released the barely breathing Horace, he started screaming obscenities and nasty names at his girlfriend, accusing her of cheating on him. Suiza tried to explain that Horace was a friend of Scam's, but Teal claimed that he didn't believe her.
After that disastrous episode that night, Suiza had promptly dumped him, telling him never to bother her again. Teal had been apologetic, sending her flowers and candy, but Suiza was having none of it. Teal had acted that way before every time that they had fought, and she was tired of him acting as if he was her warden, instead of her boyfriend.
That had seemed a lifetime ago, although the breakup was actually only a month old. When she had first seen Oolong with that strange, floating feline, Suiza had known then that she was ready to start dating again. She had told herself that she would take things slow and not rush this potential relationship.
And yet, today, she had broken her own rules. She had promised that she would not let herself get that close to Oolong, but the chemistry she felt between them was too hard to resist. She had allowed herself to make out with him, to enjoy being in his arms, with his lips against hers.
Once again, she was thinking with her heart instead of her head. And to think that being with Teal would have taught her better than that! Was it possible that she was using Oolong to get over Teal? Was she on the rebound and just using Oolong as a possible "transitional boyfriend" in the way that Blue often used Scam when Blue was between boyfriends? That was something Blue would do, but not her! No, Suiza Harvey was supposed to have better sense, just like her Aunt Louisa, who had raised her, had taught her?
Suiza took a deep breath. No, she was going to have to slow down. No more make-out sessions with Oolong until she knew him better, no matter how good he made her feel. She had to take things one step at a time.
And she would have to eventually gather the courage to tell Oolong the truth about what and who she really was. She couldn't put it off forever the way that she had done with Teal, whom she had never told her secret.
No, she could not-and would not-repeat the mistakes she had made with Teal.
*************************************************************************************************
Two hours later…
Oolong and Suiza and Puar had gone out to dinner afterwards at a nearby sports bar that was a favorite of bike racing fans. Oolong continued to have "the runs", since it was not as easy for him and Puar to switch places with each other every five minutes now that they were in a place with more light. Puar had advised against the "need-to-scratch-my-ankle" routine that they had done on Oolong's last date with Suiza.
After Oolong had returned from his twenty-fifth time to the restroom since he and Suiza had entered the sports bar, he could tell that Suiza wasn't too happy. He feared that it was his frequent disappearing acts, but he was afraid to ask. Suiza hadn't been responsive since they had left the movie theater, and when Oolong had tried to be affectionate with her, Suiza had stiffened. Finally, he decided to take the chance and ask her what was wrong.
"Suiza, did I do anything to upset you today?"
"Nah, Ooos, it's not you," Suiza had replied glumly, although Oolong's frequent disappearances were puzzling to her. Sure, he had diarrhea, but she had never known someone with it that was badly affected. But it wasn't so much Oolong's numerous trips to the men's room that was bothering her, as much as her thoughts about her past relationship with Teal and her worries about how far to go in this one with Oolong. "Just had something on my mind."
"Give you a nickel for your thoughts," Oolong offered.
Suiza took a puff of one of her trademark strawberry cigars. "Ah, thanks. Well, I won't charge you the nickel, Oolong. I apologize for being the way I am in the past few hours, but I was thinking that maybe we were rushing things too fast."
"Oh, Suiza, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"Hey, easy, Oolong, easy! It's just I broke up with Teal only a month ago, and I don't want to use you as a rebound man. I'd rather take things a bit slower than we have been. I mean, we can still see each other often and stuff, but let's hold off the making out 'til we get to know each other a bit better, okay?"
"Um, sure thing, Suiza," Oolong said, carefully concealing his disappointment. He had really enjoyed kissing and necking with her, but he understood. At least, she wasn't completely rejecting him. "We can still go out as friends, can't we?"
"Sure!" Suiza enthused, relieved that Oolong wasn't going to try to pressure her. "What would you like to do after we leave?"
"Go home," Puar-the-leather-jacket on the back of Oolong's chair whispered insistently. But Oolong ignored her.
"Let's go to Boudoir!" he exclaimed before he thought. After that, the sleeve of his "jacket" grew a finger and a thumb and pinched his arm hard.
"Ow!" Oolong exclaimed, seizing the cuff of his fake jacket. The cuff of the jacket nipped at him angrily. "Now see here!" he cried to his jacket. "That was not necessary!"
Suiza's eyes had bulged, and she was wondering how Oolong was acting stranger than she was. After all, it had been she who had the two beers, not him. "Ooos, are you okay?" she asked.
Oolong grinned awkwardly at his date. "Yeah, Suiza, I am! My jacket sometimes gives me trouble! Hard to keep it off of the floor…yeah, that's it."
"Hmm…" Suiza said skeptically.
"Hehheh, sorry about that!" Oolong apologized quickly. "Diarrhea does funny things to me."
To his relief, Suiza managed a chuckle. "It's okay, Oolong, that's fine. Strange piece of leather you've got there though. Now you said that you wanted to go to Boudoir? What's that?"
"My favorite lingerie shop!" Oolong cried out, again before he thought. This time the cuff of his "jacket" turned into a black, leather fist and punched him hard against his thigh.
"That's it," Puar whispered. "We're going home-NOW!"
"No way!" Oolong fumed.
Suiza continued to look at them both strangely, and Oolong, noticing, laughed nervously. "Pay me no mind! I sometimes talk to the old girl!"
Suiza shook her head, but smiled indulgently. "I'm never bored when you're around, Oolong, that's for sure. Well, this is the first date I've had where a man wanted to go look in a lingerie shop, but I might need some new underwear anyway, so hey, why not? Lead the way!"
"Gladly!" Oolong declared, as Puar-the-jacket punched him once more. "Ow!"
*************************************************************************************************
Boudoir at Satan City Mall…
Oolong flashed an evil grin at the elderly saleswoman. If she had known that the tall, bald man dressed in black leather was really the despised, perverted pig that she had chased out of her shop several times, she would have tossed him out the door. As it was, she still looked strangely at him and the biker woman he was escorting, but customers were customers, no matter who they were, or how they were dressed.
"Fancy place," Suiza said with a low whistle. "Fancy prices I imagine too, but nice! So, which girl introduced you to this shop?"
"My best friend's wife, Candy, and our roommate, Juuhachigou," Oolong told her honestly. "They shop here quite a bit too."
"They have good taste," Suiza noted, feeling a pair of white silky panties that were in a sales bin. "I like these."
"Me too!" Oolong panted excitedly at the various pairs of ladies' underwear. "Wait 'til you see their bras! You'll really flip then! I know I did!"
Suiza looked at Oolong, as if Oolong had suggested that Suiza strip right there in the store. "Umm…you sound like you're a regular customer here. Hey, do you wear these things or something?"
"Only on his head, at least…as far as I know," Puar quipped out loud, before she could restrain herself.
"What did you say?" Suiza asked.
Oolong slapped his Puar-jacket hard on one of its shoulders. "Wasn't me, Suize, don't know where that came from."
"Must have been a customer," Suiza agreed, deciding to give her strange date the benefit of the doubt…and remembering that she had been doing that almost since she met him. Still, things never seemed to be dull with him around.
Once again, Oolong's watch beeped, and he said, "Oops, there goes the runs again! Be back!" And he ran towards the elderly head saleswoman.
"Lady, I need to use your restroom!" he cried.
"It's broken, young man, I'm sorry," the saleswoman replied.
"Ahh! What am I supposed to do?" Oolong cried frantically. Finally, he had no choice, but to run out of the lingerie shop, and as far away from Suiza's sight as he could.
After a few agonizing minutes, Oolong and Puar returned, and when they did, Suiza was buying three pairs of underwear and one bra.
"Great choices!" he cried, seeing that Suiza had bought three satin thongs.
"Thanks, Ooos!" Suiza said happily. "I hope that your encounter with the runs clears up soon."
"I hope it does too," meowed a huffy voice.
Oolong slapped his "jacket" on its shoulder again.
"Where'd you get such great panties?" Oolong asked Suiza.
Suiza replied, "There's a buy two, get one free offer in that bin over there." She pointed to a different sales bin than the one where she and Oolong had previously been. Oolong wasted no time in dashing over there to buy some for himself.
"Here, ring these up!" he told the elderly saleswoman, returning with three pairs of bikini panties.
"Hehheh!" Suiza laughed. "Now just who are those for?"
"Me-no, I mean you, well, I mean-"
"Oolong," Suiza told him gently. "I appreciate the offer, but those aren't my size. Is there a fetish you have with ladies' undies that I don't know about?"
"Umm…yeah, you could say that."
"Don't worry," Puar whispered. "He just wears them on his head, nowhere else."
"Who said that?" the saleswoman asked, puzzled.
Slap went Oolong's palm on Puar-the-jacket!
"Hey, I have no problem if a man likes ladies' undies!" Suiza declared, much to Oolong's relief. "So, do you like collecting them or something?"
"You betcha!" Oolong said excitedly. And then his face fell. "Oops. You probably won't want to see more anymore…if you don't, I'll understand-"
"Hey, calm down, Ooos, so you have a fetish! I used to collect Playthings magazines before someone broke into my last place and stole them. Pity 'cause some of them were worth money."
"You read Playthings?" Oolong asked hopefully. Playthings was a porn magazine for both men and women that happened to be one of Master Roshi and Oolong's favorites.
"Yup. And Sweet Cheeks and Bunny-Buns too, when they feature men. I love those kinds of mags, even though I know many women don't. Yep, Oolong, I will confess that I like looking at dirty mags and movies every now and then."
Oolong was oddly enchanted. "And you don't object to my panty fetish at all?"
"Not in the least bit! You collect panties; I collect men's boxers. Sometimes I wear them, but most of the time, I just like having them for souvenirs. There's nothing sexier than a man in boxers."
The saleswoman was trying not to pay any attention to this conversation, as she rang up Oolong's purchases and bagged them. Oolong and Suiza grinned at each other, enjoying the shock that the saleswoman was trying to hide. They had now found some common ground.
*************************************************************************************************
Oolong and Suiza were now enjoying some ice cream, and Oolong and Puar had switched places without Suiza's knowledge, so that Puar could have some ice cream too. Suiza had thought it was a bit strange that Oolong had eaten both a banana spilt and a hot fudge sundae, but hey, he was a big man after all.
Any remaining tension between Suiza and Oolong had relaxed considerably, even though Oolong continued to have to go to the restroom. Sometimes Puar would take Oolong's place for more than ten minutes to make things easier for her friend, and then afterwards she and Oolong would switch places. Puar found Suiza strange, but likable. She could see what Oolong saw in her now, even though their relationship was likely to give Puar an early heart attack. But now once again, Puar was the jacket, and Oolong was the human.
"Feeling better?" Suiza asked Oolong, after she had insisted on buying him some medicine for his diarrhea. She was smoking one of her strawberry cigars; Oolong had told her he didn't mind it, but Puar didn't share his opinion.
"Oh definitely," the real Oolong replied. "It did help, that it did."
Afterwards, Suiza told some great jokes, especially dirty ones, which Oolong laughed at, and Puar cringed.
"Okay, tell me, if you've heard this one," Suiza said. "Superman sees Wonder Woman lying on a beach, so he figures he'd get some from her while she's asleep, so he flies down and has his way with her, but she doesn't respond, so finally he gives up and leaves. So Wonder Woman wakes up, but when she does, she wraps her arms around Invisible Man, who just woke up and is lying on top of her, and he's rubbing his behind. Wonder Woman asks him what's wrong, and he says, "I'm not sure what happened, but my butt sure does feel sore!"
Oolong laughed out loud, but Puar would have gagged and thrown up, had she been able to reveal herself. "You sure are funny, Suize!" he cried happily.
"That's an oldie, but a goodie. So, do you have any jokes?"
"Nah, I can't tell 'em like you can."
"I'm sure you could once you get the right ones."
"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. You're fun to be with, you know that, Suiza? You're not like any other woman I've met before."
"Ditto," Suiza confirmed. "And.…I like you, Oolong, and we've had a good time so far, haven't we?"
"We sure had," Oolong admitted. Despite what he was putting himself and Puar through for this chance with a woman he was starting to care for, he considered the efforts worth it. He just hoped that Puar wouldn't bail out on him anytime soon.
"You know what I like best about you though, Oolong?" Suiza asked him.
"What's that?"
"Your honesty. You're not afraid to be your real self. You don't do all that faking and bravado that I've seen so many other guys do. That's refreshing. I wish that I could be as open as you are."
"Ditto," Puar whispered.
Once again, Oolong's hand went slap! "Sorry, there was a mosquito."
"No prob. But you know, you're real, Oolong," Suiza said fervently. "It's like you're an open book. I could learn from you. There's nothing fake about you. It's cool to be with a guy who is always himself, not someone he's not."
Oolong gulped. If Suiza only knew…what would she think? She'd probably think him no better than that Teal character. How could he ever tell her the truth now, and let her know what a phony he truly was?
"What's wrong, Ooos? You seem upset."
"It's nothing, Suize, nothing really. I'm okay, really."
"BEEP! BEEP!"
Time to switch again!
"Oops, there go my runs!" Oolong said quickly, and Suiza laughed.
"Better double up on the medicine," was all she said.
*************************************************************************************************
Later that night, Oolong's bedroom…
Suiza had said she would be coming to the barbeque-only, Oolong later found out that Roshi had talked Candy into rescheduling it for two weeks later. Candy had agreed, especially since tomorrow it was supposed to rain.
Oolong lay awake in his bed, worried about what he was going to do about Suiza. Suiza thought him honest and funny, and while the funny part could be true, the honesty part surely wasn't. Suiza was not only going to be upset that he was a pig; she would hate it that he had deceived her.
What was he going to do now?
He knew! He would tell Suiza at Candy's rescheduled barbeque! That way, if she did get upset with him, maybe she would be more likely to hold her temper with other people around. And his friends could be there for moral support, if Suiza let Oolong down.
Yes, the barbeque! He would unburden himself and tell Suiza everything. He could put it off no longer than that.
Satisfied with his plan, Oolong fell asleep.