Chapter Ten: Lessons Learned
"So, when's Sassy supposed to bring the five-minute wonder to us?"
"C'mon, Scam, you promised Sass that you wouldn't call Oolong that."
"Relax, Blue-baby!" Scam crooned, stroking her cheek. He laughed when she playfully batted away his hand. "I won't say it when he's around, okay; that's all I promised. Besides, how is it he can only shape-shift for five minutes anyway?"
The Leathernecks, in their human forms, were sitting around in Scam's tiny living room, in his almost tinier apartment. Scam was no better a housekeeper than Suiza was, and there was currently a garbage bag in his closet stuffed with papers, magazines, and even some clothing, a bag meant to be sorted through later. A pile of more clothes lay in one corner on the unfinished wooden floor, and every board creaked when stepped on. Scam's best and least damaged piece of furniture was currently a faded, worn, green canvas couch, covered with threadbare orange cushions. It was a comfortable couch, though, and still intact, considering that Scam, with Handyman's help, had swiped it from a neighbor's junk pile, and both men had dropped it three times trying to get it home. Scam was lounging on it, with his arm draped behind Blue's shoulders.
"Doesn't matter at this point, Scam," Bigfoot said, from an unsteady yellow recliner, popping open a can of beer. "We've gotta help him, so we can help Suiza. I haven't seen Suize that miserable over a guy, since she broke it off with Teal." He handed more cans of beer to his friends.
"But, if he can only shape-shift for five mins, how was he able to fool Suize all this time?" Handyman wanted to know, before taking a huge swig of his beer.
"Probably with that shape-shifting kitty friend of his helping out. Yeah, it wasn't good of him to trick Suiza like that, but from what Sassy has told me, he's not a bad guy. He's slow sometimes, maybe even a bit of a wimp, but he's been good to Suiza, other than makin' her think he was human. He makes Suiza happy, and that's the important thing. So, we've gotta get those two lovebirds back together."
"Sassy took Suiza to file a restraining order against Teal before she went to fetch Oolong; do you think Teal will actually follow it?" Ruthie, who was sitting in a rickety wicker rocking chair and sipping a cherry cola, asked worriedly.
Bigfoot placed his hand on her slender shoulder. "I hate to get anyone's hopes up, because we all know how Teal and his bunch are. I think it's going to take a lot to make Teal leave Suiza alone for good."
"I still think we should have gone ourselves to give those Rumblers a good poundin'!" Handyman insisted, slamming his fist on Scam's already shaky coffee table.
"Hey, those friends of Oolong got their friend back, plus put all of 'em in the hospital! The five-minute wonder may not be that strong, but he sure has some powerful buddies. It'll be a few days before Teal can start any trouble again, and that'll give us some time to turn the five-minute wonder into a real-shape-shifter—" Scam stopped speaking when he heard several knocks at his door. "Come in!" he bellowed.
The door burst open, and Sassy, in her canine form, firmly escorted a nervous Oolong (in his true form) inside. He smiled sheepishly at the Leathernecks, uncertain of his welcome.
"So it's true then," Scam commented with a grin. "You really are a pig!"
Sassy flung a nearby empty beer can at his head. Scam dodged just in time.
"He is cute," Blue commented, purring. Oolong blushed.
"Hey-hey there," Oolong stuttered.
Scam smirked, calling out, "So, Oolong, you're finally gonna learn how to shape-shift for longer periods of time, eh?"
"Yeah," Oolong said uneasily. "I don't know, if I can do it, but I'll do anything to win Suiza back."
"We'll help ya, Oolong, but please, no more of your two million 'potty breaks'!" Handyman insisted.
"Yeah, it was a good thing we canceled that bulk order for adult diapers, eh?" Scam joked. Sassy chucked another empty beer can at his head.
"But we can keep the order on for extra catnip," Handyman teased, and he too was rewarded with an empty beer can from Sassy.
"How have you been, Oolong?" Ruthie asked warmly, with a sweet smile, as Sassy led Oolong to the patched ottoman next to Ruthie's rocking chair, another one of Scam's "rare finds"; this one had been "borrowed" from a nearby farm.
Oolong hesitantly sat down. After hearing Oolong sit down next to her, she turned her blank eyes the best that she could towards his direction.
"Been surviving," he told her gruffly. "I'm just glad Puar's okay."
"So are we," Ruthie said sadly. "Poor kitty. But she will recover?"
"She will," Oolong assured with more confidence than he felt. "She's tough."
"She should be, having to pose as you half the time," Scam commented. "Now, just tell us this: did that kitty friend of yours ever kiss Suiza?"
"Scam!" Sassy, Blue, and Ruthie exclaimed in shock.
"No! It was me that was kissing her!" Oolong protested.
"Just checkin'," Scam chuckled, dodging a swat from Blue's swift hand.
"So, why didn't ya finish shape-shifting school?" Handyman wanted to know.
Oolong blushed in embarrassment. Before he could reply, Sassy interrupted, "I told ya already, remember?"
"Oh, yeah, right…he cheated on his final exam."
"How can ya cheat on a shape-shifting exam?" Scam asked.
"Almost the same way that you cheated on your driving test when you had Handyman pose as you!" Sassy retorted.
"Hey, it would have worked, if Handyman hadn't tried to put the moves on the instructor!"
"It's not my fault; I thought she wanted me!" Handyman insisted, waving his hands in protest. "How was I supposed to know that that gorgeous teach was winking at me only because she had something caught in her eye?"
"Enough, guys, c'mon!" Bigfoot ordered. "I thought we were all here to help Oolong extend his shape-shifting time. Okay, Oolong, we all are going to show you our natural forms; I know you've already seen Sassy's."
"But before we do, you've gotta promise that you keep your mouth shut about what you're 'bout to see," Scam insisted. He looked squarely at Oolong, "Very few outside of our group knows our true forms, and for privacy's sake, we prefer to keep it that way."
"But haven't some of you guys been arrested before?" Oolong asked. "I mean, wouldn't the cops already know what you really are?"
"Not, if they arrested us in our human forms," Handyman said with a wink. "How do you think we still keep getting away with stuff?"
"Yeah, why do you think my businesses are still thriving?" Scam asked.
"Yeah, really thriving, Scam," Blue scoffed. "That's why you're still living here, right?"
"Hey, I'm saving my dough for a swankier joint," Scam replied. "By next year, I'll living high on the hog—oops, uh, sorry, Oolong—well, y'all know what I mean. Anyway, my Blue Baby, next year you can move in with me and live in the classier accommodations that ya deserve. I'll be able to really take care of ya then." He danced his fingers along her bare shoulders.
Blue rolled her eyes. Scam had been making her promises like that for years, but she never took him seriously. She liked him more than what she was willing to admit, but because of Scam's inability (or possible unwillingness) to hold a steady job that didn't involve "getting rich quick", she never allowed herself to care for him other than as a friend and occasional bed partner.
"Let's just show Oolong our real forms," she insisted all too quickly.
And before Oolong's astonished eyes, Bigfoot's body expanded and transformed him a huge, hairy bear. Blue shrank into her Siamese cat form, and Scam stretched himself into a weasel (Oolong believed that shape suited Scam perfectly). Handyman burped loudly before changing into a toad, and Ruthie, to Oolong's mild surprise, turned into a Siberian husky like Sassy, only much smaller.
"Surprised?" Bigfoot asked.
"All except for Scam's form," Oolong admitted nervously.
Scam glared at Oolong. "And just what are you implying?"
"That your form is perfectly suited to who you are," Blue answered in a smooth tone that held both contempt and admiration at the same time.
"I am curious, though," Oolong wondered. "If Ruthie is blind, how was she able to learn shape-shifting?"
Suddenly the room was too quiet, and Oolong gulped. Finally, Ruthie herself replied:
"I was in my final year of shape-shifting school when I became sick. It just started with chills and a high fever and a really stiff neck, but it quickly became worse. I became so sick that Sassy took me to the hospital. It was meningitis, and one of the really bad kinds. I survived—barely, but the meningitis took my sight completely in just a couple of months."
"I'm sorry," Oolong whispered.
Ruthie was too, but she, like Sassy, was very proud, and she didn't like to be pitied. Pity would break her down. "I have adjusted, and with my sister's and my friends' help, I was able to finish school. Now I'm taking classes at a college for the blind, so I can become more independent." She sighed a doglike sigh, not wanting to elaborate further on her condition. "But anyway, Oolong, I-I think you've been good for Suiza, even though you should have told her the truth from the beginning. She's learned how to laugh and have fun again, thanks to you." She smiled dreamily. "She says that with you, life was never dull."
"It shouldn't have been, considering that he had to go potty every five minutes," Scam quipped, and he dodged another oncoming empty beer can from Sassy. Feeling lucky, he continued with a grin, "And we hope you offered Puar hazard pay."
Oolong winced and looked down, ashamed, and Sassy noticing his sorrow, patted him on his shoulder—just before hurling a full can of beer at Scam.
Ten days later at Sassy and Ruthie's small cottage…
"One hour? That's all he can hold a shape for is one hour? After all the many hours of training we've done with him?" Scam, in his weasel form, exclaimed to Sassy, who was lighting up a blueberry-flavored cigar.
"Give him a break, Scam. It's more that what we hoped for," Sassy, in her canine form, insisted, as she sat at her ancient kitchen table and started to take a puff of her cigar. But before she could do so, Scam nimbly plucked it out of her hand and crushed it into an ashtray.
"Bad for your baby, Sass!" he scolded her.
"I'm down to one a day!" Sassy protested. "And the vet says my baby's fine."
"He's right, Sassy," Ruthie, also in her dog form, insisted, as she sipped a glass of chocolate milk. "You're almost close to term. In fact, it'd be better, if you quit those things altogether."
"Don't you think I want to? I've been trying to cut down!"
"And you've done a good job at this point," Ruthie acknowledged in a soothing tone. "But you still have to think of your child, and—" Her lecture was interrupted by a doorbell.
"BRRRINNNG!"
"Who is it?" Scam yelled, just before he gulped down his fourth beer for the morning.
"Oolong—and Puar."
"Come in!" Sassy insisted. "I can't wait to meet this Puar."
Oolong and Puar joined them at the table. Scam sauntered over to Oolong and grinned. "So you're Oolong's double, eh?" He lightly ran a weasel finger along Puar's arm. Puar blushed uncomfortably.
"Never again!" Puar huffed indignantly, and everyone laughed.
Scam grinned. "Oolong said you were smart, but he sure didn't say you were cute. Much cuter than when you play your pal there. Say how's about you and me—" He stopped his speech after Sassy tossed a box of cereal at his head.
"Um…are you forgetting about Blue?" Sassy growled.
Scam shrugged. "Blue's out seeing that fancy-schmancy owner of that new sushi bar. Apparently, she's still mad at me for not taking that job there, but I'm not chopping up dead fish for a living for minimum wage. I'm a tattooist, not a cook!"
"But you have no objection digging dead fish out of trash cans, now do you?" Sassy snapped. "Just take that job until you get your tattooing license reinstated; you should be able to soon enough. If you start earning some regular dough again, maybe Blue would start taking your promises to her seriously."
"Yes, Scam, and please stop tattooing without a license," Ruthie implored him. "If something happens, and you're caught—"
"Ruthie, I have to make a living, license or not," Scam insisted. "I'm very good at what I do. I've never had a problem." And casually dismissing the subject with a wave of a paw, he grinned at Puar again. "So, how about us on Friday night…at that sushi bar? I've always had a soft spot for felines."
"Don't fall for it, Puar," Oolong told her. "He's just trying to make Blue jealous."
"Stay out of this, you one-hour wonder!" Scam barked. "If Blue can see anyone she wants, then so can I!"
"Um, I'm sorry, Scam," Puar stammered. "But I'm going to have to decline." But then her voice grew firmer, remembering Scam's insult. "And Oolong has made a lot of progress! Sure, he's not going to master shape shifting fully before his race with Teal, but he's been training day and night, all so he can win Suiza back! He has plenty of faults, but—at least lately, lack of courage isn't one of them. Actually, I'm—MEOWW!"
A rain of shattering glass fell upon everyone in Sassy's kitchen, with a paper-wrapped brick smashing into Ruthie's shoulder, just before Ruthie could take cover under the table. She screamed at the impact of the brick.
"Look after my sis, Scam!" Sassy ordered, jumping up from the table. "I bet anything its Teal and his bunch! Where's my bat? I'm teaching those bastards a lesson once and for all!"
Puar and Scam were under the table with a terrified Ruthie, with both of them inspecting Ruthie's shoulder. Ruthie was shaking and crying, as Puar meowed some soft words of comfort. Scam had his arm around Ruthie.
"It's going to be okay, Ruthie," Scam whispered in an unusually soothing tone, as he stroked her head. "Me an' Sassy's gonna take care of those buttholes. Puar, will you take care of Ruthie 'til Sass and I come back?"
"Sure, but you two aren't going to fight those guys, are you?" Puar squeaked.
"Hell yeah we are! I'm lookin' for my switchblade right now!" Scam started to crawl out from under the table, but Ruthie grabbed the sleeve of his denim jacket.
"No, Scam," Ruthie pleaded. "Please don't. I don't want you and Sassy to get hurt—"
"HEY PIGGY! WE KNOW YOU'S IN THERE!" Teal yelled from outside. "And your hired thugs ain't around to stop us now, are they?"
"Get it through your thick pig skull!" Hatchet's voice followed. "Ya ain't gonna win, and ya ain't gonna have Suiza! Suiza's is Teal's woman, and it's 'bout time you and the rest of your buddies realized it!"
"Yeah, and Suiza'll see that I'm the man for her, and she'll drop that dumb restraining order 'gainst me!" Teal shouted. "Alright, so I can't go near her, but that order ain't stoppin' me from comin' after you! Oh, by the way, Piggy, read that note we sent ya!"
"Let's go, Scam!" Sassy insisted, holding her metal bat, as she stormed towards the door.
"Right behind ya, Sass! It's only Teal and Hatchet this time! We can take those two! With you and me together, Hatchet's nothin'!"
"There won't be much of Teal once we're through with him! He's gonna pay for what he did to our friends and my sister!"
"Guys, wait!" Oolong yelled.
"Stay here and look after the girls!" Scam ordered him. "This is me and Sass's fight!"
"But—" Oolong insisted, but both Scam and Sassy paid him no mind, as they dashed out of Sassy's rickety kitchen door.
"Oolong!" Puar screamed from under the table. "Look at this!" She waved the paper that had been tied to the brick at him.
Oolong gasped, as he read the words, written in sharp block letters:
"DEAR MR. PIGGY,
GO FIND YA A MISS PIGGY AND DITCH SUIZA ONCE AND FOR ALL! TELL YOU WHAT—IF YOU AGREE TO NEVER SEE SUIZA AGAIN, YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT RACING ME AND WE'LL LEAVE YOU AND YOUR PALS ALONE. BUT IF YA REFUSE, PIGGY, AND YA LOSE—WELL WHAT WE DID TO YA AND PUAR'S GONNA BE MINOR COMPARED TO WHAT WE'LL DO LATER.
FORGET ABOUT WINNING MY WOMAN OVER, PIGGY. YOU CAN'T WIN AGAINST ME IN THAT RACE, AND YA KNOW IT! SO JUST DROP OUT AND LET SUIZA BE WITH ME, WHERE SHE BELONGS.
WE'RE OUTSIDE, WAITING FOR YOUR DECISION, PIGLET. MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!
TEAL"
Oolong started to shake—at first with fear—but then, with a growing anger. He was tired of being bullied, of being weak. He snatched the note out of Puar's hand and crumpled it into a ball. He threw it to the floor hard and stomped on it. His fists were clenched, and his nostrils were flaring.
"Puar," he said quietly and firmly. "Would you be willing to do me just one more favor?"
Puar gulped, her face looking back and forth frantically between the resolute Oolong and the frightened, crying Ruthie. "What is it?"
"I know that after you got back from Dende's Lookout, I promised that I would never ask you to assist me in any more of my plans, but, Puar…would you consider letting me go back on that promise…for one last time?"
"Get lost, Teal!" Sassy (in her human form) ordered, as she swung her bat menacingly towards the direction of Teal's motorcycle.
"That's right, or we'll give you somethin' that you'll never forget," Scam, also in his human form, hissed, brandishing his switchblade.
Teal merely crossed his arms and smiled. "So, where are the rest of your buddies?"
"They're on their way," Scam lied easily.
"Well, they better get here soon, 'cause it's gonna be one big party!" Teal insisted. "Hey boys, c'mon out!"
And to Sassy and Scam's shock, the rest of the Rumblers emerged from around the house. Sassy and Scam gulped, and they realized their horrific mistake the moment they saw all twelve members of the Rumblers.
"Okay, boys, have fun with our hosts!" Teal called to his members serenely.
Beerbell shouted and laughed, flashing his switchblade and licking the tip. "We sure will, Teal!"
Sassy swore a violent stream of words under her breath. "What in the hell was I thinking? Me almost due, and I go charging out here like an idiot!"
Scam hovered near his friend protectively. "Don't worry, Sass; I won't let 'em harm you or your baby. But ya gotta make a run for it!"
"I'm not leaving Ruthie or the others!" Sassy insisted, as the crowd of rough, muscled, and tattooed Rumbler men began to close in on them.
"Everyone stop, please!"
"OOLONG?" Sassy exclaimed.
"Crap! He's dead for sure! Why did that moron leave the girls and come out here!" Scam hissed.
Oolong came dashing out onto the lawn next to Sassy and Scam. "I want to talk to Teal before this fight begins," Oolong insisted.
"Have you lost your mind?" Sassy exclaimed. "Go back inside!"
"No," Oolong said in a strangely brave tone. "I want to talk to Teal."
"Make it fast, piglet," Teal ordered, favoring Oolong with a malicious smile.
"Teal, I want the fighting to stop," Oolong insisted, leaving the astonished Sassy and Scam to approach the Rumbler leader directly. "Your problem is with me, not them."
"Oolong, get back inside!" Scam snapped. "Did you get hit that hard in the head yesterday when I was working with you? Bigfoot was right; I should have taken you home after that!"
Oolong ignored him. "I will still race you, Teal, but if I win, you have to agree to leave Suiza and her friends alone for good. And leave Puar and me alone as well. Is it a deal?"
Teal sneered. "I suppose so, piglet. Not that you'll win. But step aside now, pork chops, 'cause me and my buds got a score to settle with your two Leatherneck pals."
"Teal, Sassy is pregnant," Oolong said suddenly. "Look, surely not even you nor your friends want to fight a pregnant woman."
"Sassy brought this on herself," Teal growled. "Now butt out, piglet!"
"Hey, no offense, Teal, but if Sassy is preggers, I can't hurt her," Hatchet told his leader. "I'm sorry, man, but I can't go after her. I'll get Scam for ya, but not Sassy."
"He's right, Teal," Beerbell added. "I ain't 'bout to hit a pregnant lady."
More murmurs of agreement came from the other Rumblers. Even though most of them had no problems with hitting or terrorizing most people, they had their limits. A few of the Rumblers were fathers themselves.
Teal growled under his breath, but even he knew when he was outnumbered. "Fine!" he snapped. "Forget about Sassy. Just go after Scam—and Piggy!"
"Piggy and Scam-boy are gonna go down!" Hatchet shouted, quickly getting back into the spirit of things.
"Go back inside, Sassy," Scam ordered.
"I can't leave you and Oolong alone," Sassy protested.
"He's right, Sassy, go inside. I promise you it will be okay. A friend of mine's coming soon—very powerful friend."
"One of your buddies?" Sassy asked.
Oolong grinned. "You'll see!"
And just as the Rumblers started racing towards the trio, a booming voice came out of nowhere:
"HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, BOTHERING MY FRIENDS?"
All the Rumblers skidded to a halt, and some fell to their knees at the sight of the strongest man on Earth.
Well, actually, it was only who they thought was the strongest man on Earth—but what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them—yet.
"HERCULE!" all the Rumblers shouted.
"That's right!" Hercule shouted with his hands on his hips. "My best buddy, Oolong, gave me a call, and I came as soon as I could! You know you guys—all of you—have made me really mad!" And for emphasis, he smashed his fist into Sassy's mailbox.
"Hey!" Sassy exclaimed.
"Calm down, babe, I'll buy you a new one!" Hercule assured her, strutting amongst the awestruck Rumblers confidently. "Now I want to know why you guys are pickin' on my buddy, Oolong?"
"Oolong stole Teal's girl, Suiza, just when Teal was about to get her back!" Beerbell protested.
"Didn't Suiza already break up with Teal?" Hercule asked reproachfully, crossing his arms.
"Yeah, sure, she did, but—" Hatchet's reply was cut off by Hercule's waving hand.
"Then Suiza was free to see whoever she wanted, right? She and Teal weren't married, were they? Now then, I'm going tell you boys something: leave Oolong and the Leathernecks alone, or else!"
Trembling on his motorcycle, Teal was about to ask, "Or else what?" but even he was mesmerized by the appearance of Hercule. "C'mon, Hercule, we wouldn't have really hurt Piggy—I mean Oolong and his pals. We were just tryin' to scare 'em, that's all."
"Yeah, like you were just trying to scare Oolong and Puar, right?" Hercule sneered, storming over towards Teal. None of the Rumblers dared to challenge Earth's hero, as he came to a halt in front of Teal. Teal, whose face had turned white, looked around at his friends for help, but no one, not even Hatchet or Beerbell, stepped in to save him.
"As for you, Teal, Oolong will still race you, 'cause I didn't teach him to be no coward—well, at least not in the past couple of weeks—but you will honor your promise never to bother him, Suiza, or any of their friends again—got it?"
Teal's entire body was trembling, as he nodded. "Yeah, yeah, sure thing."
"Good, and this is just to let you know that I'm serious!" And after that speech, Hercule gave Teal's motorcycle a mighty shove. Before Teal could steady himself, he and his bike toppled over into the mud.
Hercule then turned towards the other Rumblers. "Now all of you has got three minutes to get the hell out of here—or I'm really gonna get you all! What I did to Cell's gonna be minor compared to what I'll do to you all, if you don't split! And you bums know that you are nothing compared to me and Cell, so…get lost!"
And to the astonishment of Sassy and Scam, all of the Rumblers hastily fled to their motorcycles and climbed aboard. Hatchet hurriedly helped Teal and his motorcycle off of the ground. Within two minutes, instead of three, all of the Rumblers, including Hatchet, Teal, and Beerbell sped away in a cloud of dust, mud, and gravel.
Then, after the Rumblers all had left, Hercule dropped his swagger and crept over to Oolong and gently hugged her.
Yes, her.
"Thanks, Puar," Hercule said softly. "I really appreciate this. I know it wasn't easy for you to face Teal again."
"PUAR?" Sassy and Scam exclaimed.
"So, where in the hell was Oolong all this time?" Scam demanded to know.
Paying them no mind, "Oolong" whispered, "No, no, it wasn't, but it did feel good for us to finally stand up to Teal and his bunch. Oolong, you've done yourself proud today."
"OOLONG?" Sassy and Scam cried.
"BOM!"
Hercule was gone, and a grinning Oolong stood in his place. He allowed a few moments for the shock to wear off, and then he asked modestly, "So, how did I do?"
"Do?" Scam asked slowly, as he stepped towards Oolong. He then slapped Oolong hard on his back. "You did…GREAT!"
"He's right, Oolong!" Sassy insisted. "You tricked even Scam and me! You did put what we taught you to good use! Suiza's gonna be so proud of ya—once she finds out the truth, that is!"
The mention of Suiza sobered Oolong's pride and enthusiasm. "When is she coming back from her cousin's?" he asked.
"Not until next week," Sassy admitted. "She just needed some time to get herself together, Oolong, that's all. But she's recovering, and yet…she's lonely. She really misses ya, wishes she hadn't broken things off. Don't tell her I told you this, but she's gonna talk to you when she comes back. She's got some really important stuff to tell you, and it's about time."
"Like what?" Oolong asked.
"That's between you two, but trust me, it's gonna make things a whole lot better between you two crazy kids," Sassy insisted. She put her arms around Oolong and guided him towards the front door. She looked back at a trailing Scam and asked, "Hey, Scam, when Suize gets back, we need to ask her about to adding a couple of new Leathernecks to our crew."
"Are you serious?" Oolong asked.
"You want us to join?" Puar, now back in feline form, asked in shock.
Scam chuckled, swinging his arm around Puar before she could prevent him. "Yeah, we do. Shape shifters need to stick together, ya know."
"Yeah, Oolong, and you're welcome to join us anytime," Sassy said, as her eyes fell upon her door. "Only one thing though, Oolong…"
"Sure, Sass, anything."
"You're paying to fix my mailbox, Hercule!"