Chapter 18 - Time To Heal
17/1/6

I can hear the mechanical scrunch of wheels spinning on gravel, just momentarily, before they gradually churn their way forward, accelerator down, lurching through the gears too quickly. The cars jolts forward like a dog on a leash, not the calm take off of a day trip or a ride to school. My body is flung against the seat in front, and our bags fall on to the floor; and I know something's wrong. Because she doesn't stop. She doesn't turn to yell at me for not having my seatbelt on. She fails to look at me at all.

We're moving then, and I scramble for the seat again, peer through dusty glass, desperate to see his shrinking form. I want to be Supergirl, power through that glass barrier and back for one last hug. I want to fly so fast the world spins backwards, and maybe I can stop Mommy and Daddy yelling at each other so much, maybe I can be better, maybe I can stop all this from happening.

But I am little Katie; not Supergirl, no powers, no way to stop the car moving away from where I long to be. I crawl as far as I can on to the parcel shelf, displacing boxes and scattered toys, those things long forgotten under the rubble of a life lived. My mother slams the car into third gear, violent, her mind elsewhere. My grubby little hand scrapes over the back window, clawing for a clear spot. I find it, place my eye right up to it; wink and wave at my father, who stands a broken man at the end of the road, a desperate smile painted on for me.

We turn the corner, and thinking we are out of sight, he collapses to his knees in the dust, jerking with sobs. And I imagine, how his tears and mine combined might turn that road into a river, and maybe we could sail away someplace new.

"How long have I been in this storm
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head"

She woke with the sun, cascading like water droplets over her eyelids. The light split the sky, dark jealous of light, joining it. Last night flooded back to Kate like a drug or a dream; how many times she'd woken dreaming she'd told Jack it all, and needed no more courage, only to find her heart tripping and falling as the truth unveiled itself. Except this morning… there was no truth other than her own, lying between them like a sleeping child, now a part of them both. She shifted in Jack's arms as the moon faded into the sky; looked down at their clothed bodies pressed together, bare feet and arms covered in cinnamon sand and dirt. As if there had never been a plane at all, rigorous bonds of society's wrongs and rights slowing slipping away a easy as a fallen shoe. One side of Jack's face was coated in a fine layer of dirty tan sand, where he must have been leaning during the night; Kate's eyes flitted over his features, stubble and soft worn clothes and coated in sand. An angel fallen from heaven to grace the earth beside her.

She dragged her eyes from his sleep-filled form, the gentle motion of shallow breaths hypnotic. Gingerly, Kate lifted Jack's arm from over her stomach; expertly rolled from his embrace and laid his hand back to ground where had lain. He stirred momentarily; Kate froze, halfway to standing, waiting to have to explain her actions. Jack's solid form turned slightly, shifted position; but his eyes remained tight closed, the remnants of sleep hiding into the corners.

Kate backed away from him, her heart compelling her to return to the shadow of warmth that lay beside him, so clear she could almost see her outline in his arms. She reversed slowly towards the treeline, Jack gradually becoming smaller; the image of him sleeping in the open air as natural as the lagoon, as if placed there just for her.

In the quiet dawn, Kate found what she had been searching for… the roar of the ocean colliding with the shore, calling her name like a long lost song lyric, beckoning her to say goodbye.

She was gone. That was his first thought, grappling empty sand with his right hand, searching blindly for her warmth; the comfort of she entwined in him, his hand resting at the soft skin of her abdomen, tracing the arch of her hip. Where she should have been, nothing but air remained, tinged with what Jack convinced himself was her scent.

Don't panic.

Don't panic.

His eyes flew open, jolted around the clearing without rhythm; the water empty, the shore deserted, the treeline still.

Don't panic.Jack gritted his teeth against the fear rising like vomit within him, a torrent, a tidal wave.

She's at the caves. She's taken a walk. She's gathering fruit for breakfast. She's…

And then he saw it, the deliberate footsteps created in the wet sand at the mouth to the water; calm, slow steps. Jack jumped up neatly, walked the few paces to the waterline; crinkled his forehead up in puzzlement as he realised the steps were backwards. He smiled. He could see it now, Kate walking away from him in reverse, watching him exhale within a dream, leaving him a trail of her steps in case he woke.

Unsure whether to pursue or not, certain if she wanted him to come she would have woken him; Jack tentatively followed the tracks, his heart pushing him forward like a weight from behind.

I wait in the bay window of our new house, this empty box filled with another family's smell, their paint choices, their knick knacks lying forgotten in dusty corners. I know what my mother wants me to do. She wants me to be excited, to run from room to room, to demand my toys and clothes, create the same mess she stuffed hurriedly into these boxes and bags. She wants me to be happy. She watches me, leaning against the doorframe, her presence a dark shadow over the exit.

"Katie…" I flinch. She doesn't call me Katie. With her, I am always Katherine. I want to scream at her to stop trying to emulate my father. I want to tell her, if she thinks I need him here, to go and get him. I stare out the window, refusing to blink for fear it will be that millisecond that he passes by.

"Katherine." She's getting annoyed. She's trying to understand me, but she can't. She's offered new toys, paint charts to pick out the colour of my new room, endless candy, fizzy soda I'm not usually allowed. She's tried hugs, shouting, threats of no allowance. I don't move.

She drops it like a bombshell. I can almost hear the impact as my world collapses in.

"This is Richard. We're… we're getting married, sweetheart."

I don't need to turn to know what he looks like. I can hear it in his voice, the syrupy flick of my name on his tongue, like he knows me. But you're married to Daddy, I want to scream. I want to wake up now.

I pinch myself, hard, sharp, fierce. And nothing happens, nothing but thin crescents of blood appearing to mock me, the acute pain a relief to the throb within my heart. She wants me to turn, to plant a picture perfect smile upon my face, to kiss his cheek. She wants me to be as perfect as possible, me this thing she is burdening him with. A step daughter. And something I heard in a film, watched late night as my parents raged, when I should have sleeping. The reminder of another man's fck.

I don't move, don't turn, don't acknowledge him. I stare into the window, stare until my eyes are dry as skin, until the view blurs, until I am blind.

"If I could just see you,
Everything would be alright
If I could see you,
This darkness would turn to light"

The form of it was so familiar. She couldn't imagine a day without rolling it between fingers in her pocket, like a lucky charm, like a coin waiting to be spent. She couldn't imagine knowing it was irretrievable, irretrievable forever. She didn't know how to say goodbye.

How many years had she known this tiny object for? Tom was eleven, twelve, when he took that flight; fifteen years gone, flown like paper to the wind. She could remember even now, his proud face that morning in home room, drawing that little grey model from his pants pocket like a trophy. She had made out like it wasn't a big deal, teased him for the grin on his face; all the while knowing, the grin was nothing to do with the plane and everything to do with seeing her again. All the while wishing for nothing more than to crawl on that plane with Tom, land somewhere far and deserted; away from those all irreparable things, the endless string of tears that never seemed to clear up.

It was chipped now, of course; paintwork battered through every other trip Tom took, through the endless wear of Kate carrying it everywhere she went on the island. Perfect imperfection, sharp corners smoothed by fingertips, nose bluntened from repeated 'test flights' on Tom's deck. If only I'd known, all those years ago, how I'd be standing here and now with this tiny model in her hands; somewhere far and deserted, right, Tom? She could almost hear his reply.

"Right, Katie. I thought the plane was dorky, anyways?"

"I'm sorry, Tom." Kate whispered it to the wind, her tears already winding the well worn tracks down cheeks. "I'm sorry for not knowing how much I loved you until it was too late. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry-" She choked on a tear, the storm in her mind. "I'm sorry for leaving you behind."

I'm sorry we never had the nine babies, the small place somewhere quiet, the noisy dog. I'm sorry I blamed you for the paint on my new dress at my ninth birthday. I'm sorry I stole your favourite mixtape and never gave it back. I'm sorry we'll never grow old together.

I'm sorry you'll never grow old.

She gazed to the horizon, trying to picture the future she had seen herself somehow falling into ever since meeting Tom. Even after the fire, and being on the run; even after Tom married another, had a child, started a whole new life… always, glimmering like a ray of hope at the back of Kate's mind, was the idea of pulling up to a house, and stepping into that life they'd always spoke of.

The life she could still imagine, even after Tom was laid to rest at a funeral she couldn't attend.

The life, that now standing on a long lost beach and finding that point where the earth met the heavens… that life that now, she could no longer see.

I used to wait for the day, wondering when it would come; like having the right to vote, to leave home, to get married. I used to wander through a bad week, things piling upon me like weights, and still smile; because maybe that day will be today, maybe tomorrow.

The day when everything falls into place, when problems stop arriving like unwanted guests, when things make sense.

When I stop hurting, for the smallest and biggest reasons.

That day never came. Adolescence came and went, and adulthood arrived, and things didn't magically make sense as I had so assumed they would with growing up. Problems only grew bigger, worries worse, dreams more distant and far off then ever. The world didn't suddenly fall into place. A betrayal.

I used to wonder how I would get through life, with this new knowledge. I wondered if I should warn other people, this is a good as it gets.

I used to think; if the pieces never fall in place, how do I know where to turn next?

The little metallic plane caught the sun as it sailed through the air… catching the light, falling through it, Kate thinking that was maybe how their own plane would have looked to a distant observer. She threw it far, the light object sailing easily through it's own path of air, particles parting to let it through. And then, as if it had never even existed, the little model dissolved into the waves; barely leaving a ripple or a splash, sinking slowly to the sediment and plankton far below Kate's line of sight.

Gone. Fifteen years, a lifetime.

Gone. Now nothing but a memory, a memory solely her own; Tom's memories dancing someplace far and deserted.

Gone. Goodbye.

Kate stood in the surf, the tears finally drying, her feet slowly sinking into the sand. Her heart felt light, free, unbound in a way she hadn't felt for as long as she could remember… but her hand empty, lonely, cool. But for the first time, she it wasn't the toy plane she ached to hold.

It was Jack's hand.

A final glance to the water, and Kate turned back to the treeline; a sad smile and an image she could never have seen, flitting over her eyelids as she blinked like a true memory. Tom shaking Jack's hand, saying to make sure he looked after her; she standing to one side in a white gown, her ring finger matching Jack's in adornment.

"If I could just see you,
Everything would be alright
If I could see you,
This darkness would turn to light

And I
Will walk on water
And you will catch me,
If I fall"

He had found her at the waterline, gazing out to sea; looking for all the world as though she was walking on water, the waves just brushing her feet. He had been about to step forward, about to call her name; and then he saw the plane in Kate's hand, that tiny silver spark that had caused such a collision of words. Tom's plane.

Jack saw the intention, the plane and the ocean and the shudders of her shoulders in tears. Slowly, carefully, he turned and retraced his steps; covering them over as he went, aching to give Kate the privacy and peace she deserved for the moment.

The moment to say farewell.

It was maybe ten minutes after he got back to camp that Kate reappeared; he curled back in the spot where they had both lain, eyes closed in mock sleep. Her shadow appeared over him, blocking the sunlight; Jack cracked an eye open, feigning grogginess, squinting in the encroaching daylight.

He held a hand up to his eyes, cleared the sleep from them; gazed up at Kate's silhouette before him, captured like beauty in a photograph.

Jack didn't ask where she'd been, or when she'd woken up, or how her leg was. Neither said anything at all.

It was she who took his hand; pulled him to his feet, never once letting their eyes waver from each other. Kate walked backwards towards the water, both hands holding Jack's, her trust placed entirely within him to warn her of any obstacles. She stopped as she felt the wet sand beneath her toes; keeping Jack at a slight distance, let his hands go and reached up to the first button of his shirt. Slowly, almost tentatively, Kate followed the fabric down, slipping each button from its casing… exposing his chest to her, laying her hands upon him. Jack drew ragged breath through the love which overwhelmed him; allowed the sleeveless shirt to fall from his shoulders, forgotten. Kate traced patterns down his toned chest and abdomen, taking in the image of him, committing it to memory. Her eyes rose to Jack's again; found the deep trust within him, the vulnerability of them both, her own fears reflected back at her. She reached for Jack's hands; stepped closer to him as she placed the fingertips at the delicate ridge of her hip bone, inviting him in, letting him know it was okay.

His hands were shaking slightly as Jack met those brilliant blue orbs… the grey gone and departed, and only love filling her. He drew back the buckle of the belt, slipped the thin strip of leather through the belt loops; undid the jeans button and fly, his hands grazing that hidden strip of skin just below the waistband. As if synchronised, together they stepped towards each other; Kate's lips on Jack's suddenly, urgently, raw and needing. He slipped the denims over her slim hips; they descended independently down the rest of Kate's legs, and she stepped out of them, all the while finding Jack's lips over and over. He slipped one hand from her hip to her face, intertwining his fingers within those wisps of hair; meeting Kate's lips, gently capturing her lower lip between his teeth. He released her, and slowly her tongue found its way into Jack's mouth; she licked over his teeth, tangled with his own tongue, allowed it through to her mouth. The kiss built in intensity, rolling over them like waves… both lost in surrender. Jack's left hand played gently with the thin elastic at the side of Kate's underwear, twirling it between fingers, teasing her.

And then she was up; Jack lifted her, her legs going automatically around his waist, her lips never off his. It was gentle and rough, longing and raw, perfect and imperfect all at once… Jack's arms wrapped around Kate's back, his hands trailing up inside her shirt, feeling the delicate dot to dot of her spine as it flexed and extended while her lips moved upon his.

God, how he loved her.

Tenderly, he brought one hand up to Kate's face; stroked his thumb over her closed eyelid like a rush if air, cupping her cheek. He kissed her more softly, slower, tantalising… drew back, watched as her eyes opened, captured them within his own. Like a precious jewel, he laid her down to the moist ground; her legs instantly coated with sand. Kate watched as Jack kicked off his own jeans, the ankles catching and bringing a smile to her lips. Gently, he lay half atop her and half to the side; pressed butterfly kisses to her lips, trailing them along he jaw line and earlobe. Continuing the path, Jack's right hand found the top button of Kate's shirt… undid each fastening in turn, tiny kisses like engravings pressed from her sternum to just above the line of her underwear. She sat up to help him remove the shirt; their lips colliding, joining. Tentatively, Jack reached for the fastening to Kate's bra; slipped the metal hook from its ring, drew the elastic down each arm. Jack's heart thudded like a chant against his chest wall, the only sound he could hear… Kate lay back down, their lips still together, and he could feel small warm hands reaching the sides of his boxers, tugging at the elastic, removing the soft material and exposing him completely. He gasped at the rush of air, sending sensations through his body; Kate's hand trailing up his leg, deliberately avoiding him. Jack grinned, dragged his lips from hers; both hands gently gripped the elastic of her underwear, and Kate lifted her hips, inviting the gesture. And then she was bare before him.

Jack stopped, drew breath, needing to take in the image of Kate; hair dark and wild under her, chest rising and falling rapidly, lightly tanned skin with a sheen. He let his eyes travel the length of her body, always going back to those eyes, those eyes which held him hostage.

"You're beautiful." His voice was hoarse with emotion.

She didn't flinch, didn't blanche, didn't look away. Kate stared into him, long and true.

"So are you." You're the most beautiful person I've ever known.

He moved over her, bare flesh meeting and warmth exchanged; her whole being held under his, protected. Jack lowered his lips to hers, tasting her again, tongues duelling and meeting… Kate's nails dug into his back as he leaned to press further kisses to her neck. Each time their eyes met, each time a gasp was exchanged, each time a new piece of skin was found to be memorised; trust grew with the vulnerability and things not said, the things each knew so innately that words became obsolete.

Kate's hand moved down, gripped his hardness… Jack's breath all left him at once as he trailed a hand down to that delicate curve of her hip where her abdomen ducked under the bone. Kate could feel it, then, a sudden urgent need to have him inside her, filling her, completely her; she grasped him, and Jack could see the sudden streak of wildness in her eyes. He positioned himself, slid down into her, the motion gentle and rough all at once; each drowning in their own desire and each other's, the love like a web binding them. Kate gasped as he drew back again, and in… her eyes met Jack's, their foreheads pressed together as the passion built within each.

"I love you Jack…" Kate's cry caught the air. She needed him to hear it, in that moment. She needed him to know, here bare and pure before him, that nothing had changed.

Jack withdrew, stopped; found each fleck of blue in Kate's eyes, all the secrets and memories and futures laid out for him like a map.

"I love you too Katie." He leaned into her, kissed her full and hard; glided back into her suddenly, her ragged breath breaking around him, their eyes never wavering.

Minutes later, both dissolved into passion… Jack about to withdraw as he felt his own climax building, and Kate gripped his hands above her head, eyes pleading with him not to. She began to pulsate around him, and together they lost themselves to the other.

I know now, as I lie in this man's arms, spent and encircled in love. It doesn't matter that things rarely fall exactly into place, or that there's never a magical day were suddenly life makes sense. Time can't be turned back, and mistakes are made, and that is what regret is for. But I can't live for regret, for that isn't living at all.

I'll never understand everything, because no-one does. I'll make more mistakes, because everyone does. I'll hurt people again, and be hurt, because trust and vulnerability go hand in hand.

This much I know. It's okay.

It was hours later that Kate finally stopped dozing, unfurled herself from Jack's wakening form, walked draped in his shirt to his small pack. Undoing the zip, she removed two mangoes, a small knife; and then her hand clasped something so familiar but foreign, forgotten and somehow found all at once. She hesitated.

A smile.

The mangoes off to one side, Kate lay back down beside Jack by the shoreline, water clutching at her toes. She went through the same motion as two nights ago, the little LED finally coming on after several seconds.

"Jack." She whispered.

"Mmm?" He murmured groggily.

"Open your eyes. And smile."

Their heads pressed together, Jack full of sleep, Kate grinning and far too photogenic for his liking, both full of dirt and sweat and memories made. And love.

Flash, smile, say cheese, click.

"Did you just…" His voice was a mixture, surprise, delight, caution. Jack turned to Kate beside him, a grin edging on to his face.

"Mm hmm." She gazed at the little black box. "Time to make all those memories of our future." Kate paused, stroked Jack's cheek beside her. "Time to heal."

He bowed into her, kissing her forehead, encircling her in his arms. For long minutes they hugged, each immersed in every memory since that first morning on the beach, that first invitation to play golf. All the terror and fear and concern, relief and trust, revelations and admissions of love.

"Time to get washed up!" Jack was up and carrying her to the water before Kate could begin to protest. She quickly dropped the camera to a patch of foliage, all the while screaming and kicking her legs against his chest, drumming hands over his back as he charged into the water, both diffusing into the pure particles. And then she was under, following the trail of his own descent through oxygen bubbles, lost in the underwater world created by nature alone.

"I hate you Jack Shephard!" Kate cried out, spluttering and breaking the surface, grinning wildly and laughing.

"Ahh…" Jack swam over to her, enduring the splashes of water thrown his way. He came up under her, her legs wrapping around his torso under the ribbons of water. Kate wrapped her arms around his shoulders despite herself. With protest, Jack pressed a kiss to her lips, grinning.

"You love me really."

"And I
Will walk on water
And you will catch me
If I fall

And I
Will get lost into your eyes
And everything
Will be alright

And everything will be alright"