LILY.
I don't want to be around Scotty. I don't like the way he looks at me. Not since...not since George.
I'm a good detective. I have great perception. I understand people. So why have I never understood Scotty?
No, I have a better question. Why have I never understood myself?
I'm not looking for a great love. I'm not really looking for love at all. Some companionship, maybe. Some fun. A little bit of physical contact. That's all I want.
That's all I thought I wanted. Until Christina runs off with Scotty and my first thought is 'How could he, he's mine!'.
Dammit, he's nobody's. And especially not mine.
But he suffers so much, and I've felt every single pain he feels. I felt it when Elisa died. I felt it when Christina left. He radiates the hurt. I thought we all felt it.
But it was just me. And that scares me. How can I be so intimately connected to another person that I hurt when he hurts?
I don't want that. I don't want Scotty's love. He's so intense, I'd lose myself in him. I don't want to fold myself in his arms, and sob out my soul. I can't be that weak. I have to be strong.
I can't ever be that little girl in the dark again, hoping someone will come and rescue her. Someone who never comes.
I have to be alone. I have to rely only on myself.
So coming down that drive, to Scotty, I threw up my walls. And I'm safe behind them. And now, later, I see the way he look at Josie, and I don't mind it.
I like it. I don't want Scotty watching me, supporting me. I don't want to learn to rely on him, to need him, because the day I do that,he'll leave. Everyone always does. I don't want to love anyone. I want Scotty to love someone else.
I believe that. I really do. And now I'm standing in the records room, two shelves away from Scotty and Josie, and I don't think they know I'm here.
And I know he wants to kiss her. I know she wants to kiss him. I can hear it in their voices. And even though she asks him to step aside, and he does, I can still feel the heat long after she's gone. All the time that Scotty stands there, for ages, just standing in the records room alone.
It's what I wanted. I wanted him to stop loving me.
So why do the tears in my eyes burn me?