Disclaimers in Part 1
Jayne came to a halt when he saw River sitting in the galley with a portable Cortex screen. He'd done a pretty good job of avoiding the crazy girl since the incident a few nights before. Being around her just made him plain uncomfortable, knowing she wanted him to sex her up. But, dammit, he was hungry.
He grunted and walked purposefully into the room, over to the cabinets where he grabbed a bag of protein snaps, and then sat at the other end of the table from River. He ignored her for as long as he could before he felt her eyes boring into the top of his head. Jayne looked up to find River glaring at him, doing her best 'I can kill you with my brain' look.
River was still mad at Jayne, for both rejecting her advances and for shoving her off onto her brother. She supposed she was a little bit mad at herself for the first part, since her seduction tactics clearly had no effect on him. But it was easier to just be mad at Jayne.
She continued to stare. Jayne swallowed hard, and searched his mind for something to say to break the tension. "What's that you're watchin'?" he asked, gesturing at the Cortex screen.
River blinked at him, but didn't stop glaring. "The Planets Will Turn."
Jayne started laughing, "Don't tell me little Kaylee got you hooked on that soap opera go se."
River glared harder.
And Jayne shut up.
After a few moments, River said, "Jayne is a girl's name."
Jayne looked up at River warningly, "Now, I warned you-"
"There is a boy with a girl's name on The Planets Will Turn."
Jayne's interest perked. "Yeah?"
River nodded. "Yes, his name is Sandy."
Jayne smiled. "Well, how about that?"
"He's a ben tian sheng de yi dui rou." Jayne's smile quickly turned into a scowl before he turned his attention back to his food.
River continued to glare while Jayne dutifully ignored her. Exasperated, River let out a noise of frustration and pushed her chair away from the table, leaving the room.
"This doesn't make sense."
Inara looked up from the letter she was writing and smiled at River. She had let the girl use her Cortex screen when she came in complaining about Jayne taking up all the space in the galley.
"What's that?" She asked, amused that River was analyzing the soap opera so seriously.
"They've just found out Steve is alive," River explained.
Inara laughed fondly. "That happens all the time on soap operas, mei mei."
"But it's illogical. They gave his heart to Jacob. If Steven is alive, whose heart is beating in Jacob's chest."
Inara simply smiled sympathetically at River. "Boggles the mind a bit, doesn't it?"
"Yes," River said emphatically. River's mind tried to work out a logical conclusion to the problem, but she stopped when Veronica sauntered on-screen. She had decided to pay much closer attention to Veronica's advances toward Russell. River had come to the conclusion that she had put to much stock in small, flimsy clothing, and not enough in body language.
Her brow furrowed when Veronica whispered something inaudible into Russell's ear. "This cannot help me if I cannot hear what she's saying."
Inara looked up from her letter again, "Help with what?"
"Seduction," River stated simply.
Inara sputtered in surprise. "What?"
"I've been studying Veronica's methods of seduction so I can perfect my own."
Inara smiled kindly at River. "Veronica is quite the vixen, isn't she?"
River nodded. "She has copious amounts of sex."
Inara moved so that she was sitting next to River and took the younger girl's hand. "Darling, perhaps you shouldn't be looking to Veronica for sexual advice."
"But she has the most sex on the show. She's slept with three men in the past month."
"Yes, but she isn't exactly like you, now is she?"
River thought about the question, then quietly said, "Well…no."
Inara smiled again. She considered offering River some of her books, but she thought they might actually be a bit too frank for the girl. River was a genius, but she was also only a teenager. "Perhaps you should find a character that's a bit more like yourself, and then study her methods of seduction," Inara offered.
River nodded enthusiastically. "That's a very good idea. I was so blinded by the amount of sex that I didn't see how different we are in personality! Thank you Inara."
Inara patted River's hand. "Any time."
After watching very carefully for a few days to find her soap opera doppelganger, River decided she was most like Leslie. Leslie was currently being courted by the handsome, if slightly angry Bradley, and they had reached the time in their relationship where sexual intercourse was acceptable.
River and Kaylee watched together, huddled up in the engine room, while Leslie tried to think of the best way to woo Bradley. "I don't understand why Leslie is so crazy about Bradley. Tony's still crazy about her!" Kaylee exclaimed.
"Their relationship ended in bitterness and tears. No amount of longing can erase the damage that was done," River said sadly. After thinking for a moment, she added, "Besides, Bradley and Leslie are cute."
Kaylee made a face. "I guess. I don't really care. I think they need to give more screen time to Jocelyn and Dominic. Now that's a hot couple."
They both quieted as Leslie pulled a pan of cookies out of the oven as Bradley walked into the door. River cocked her head, watching intently.
Leslie offered Bradley a cookie, and before he could finish it, they were kissing passionately.
"Cookies lead to sex," River concluded the equation she was doing in her head out loud.
Kaylee giggled. "I guess so."
Jayne was woke up in the middle of the night to the smell of …..something cooking in the kitchen.
Curious, he climbed out of his bunk and headed toward the galley. He walked in just as River was pulling a tray out of the over.
When she heard him come in, she turned and smile brightly at him. "Perfect timing."
"Perfect timing for what?" Jayne grumbled, still half asleep.
River hastily grabbed a cookie off the tray and thrust it toward him. "Eat it."
Jayne eyed the cookie warily. "What'd you do to it?"
River's brow furrowed. "Excuse me?"
Jayne had figured she'd poisoned it or spit in it or something, but when her lip started to quiver, he snatched the cookie from her hand. "There, I'm eating it, okay? Just don't cry."
River watched him expectantly as he took a bite out of the cookie. He chewed slowly while eyeing the girl suspiciously. Then he started to realize the cookie had taste. Real taste, not just protein mash taste. "Hey, chocolate chip," he said appreciatively.
"The cookie is good?" River asked hopefully.
"It's damn good," Jayne said, trying to figure out how he could get her to make more.
"Excellent. Then we can have the sex now."
Jayne choked on his cookie. He was willing to do a lot to get her to make more cookies, but he was pretty certain he wasn't willing to do that. "Gorramit, girl, I thought you'd gotten your mind off that seduction stuff."
"Cookies lead to sex," River explained as if it was the most scientific thing she'd ever said.
Jayne stared at her, utterly confused. "Since when?"
"Baking cookies makes you think of domesticity, domesticity makes you think of creating babies, which makes you think of sex," River explained, getting angry.
"Babies? What?" Jayne practically yelled. "I don't know who told you that, but the only thing cookies lead to here is a happy Jayne."
River considered this for a moment. "A happy Jayne can lead to sex."
Jayne gaped at her. "No, not now it don't. All it leads to is me going to me bunk with my stomach happy."
Jayne turned quickly and walked out of the galley toward his bunk.
River looked between Jayne's retreating back and the cookies, baffled. What had she done wrong this time?