Please read and review! In addition to just plain loving reviews, I find them helpful in terms of structuring the rest of the story.
NOTE ON NAMES: Now that I've established everybody's names – I'm giving them nicknames! (Well, one of them, anyway):
Koryuu as the story (hopefully) makes clear means Little Dragon. Any guesses who it refers to?
Make Inu means stray dog. It's one of Kaiba'sinsulting names for Jounouchi.
CHAPTER 9: CHILDHOOD'S END
YAMI'S POV
Our talks had grown into a nightly routine. Somehow, if I was leaning against his desk… if Kaiba was pretending to be working… we could talk. It had started as a game – like the child's game of "Truth" that Yugi had taught me. Sitting in the semi-darkness, we would challenge each other to reveal ourselves, to trust each other, to believe in the bond we had created at Alcatraz. If it wasn't for our rivalry... our determination not to let the other one score a point; if it wasn't for how difficult it was for us to be so open – I doubt we could have done it.
"When Yugi first assembled the puzzle, when I was reborn into this world, I hurt so many people."
"They probably deserved it."
"Often. But it never really bothered me, until I added Yugi to their number." I was not surprised to see Kaiba's almost unconscious nod.
"Do you realize," I continued, "That if Yugi had solved his puzzle two weeks earlier, Jounouchi and Honda would just be two more people who's lives I had ruined?"
"That wouldn't have been much of a loss."
"I could have destroyed you," I pointed out.
"Don't flatter yourself. I got there first."
"I'm serious. I would have killed you at Duelist's Kingdom."
"That wouldn't have been much of a loss either." He shrugged. "You wanted to win. I wanted to die. It seemed a fair enough exchange."
"Don't say that!" I commanded. My vehemence surprised us both. "Yugi is much wiser than I."
"Then maybe you should listen to him. He's right. There's more to you than darkness."
"Do you believe that about yourself?" I asked curiously. I knew he felt a deep guilt about his part in designing Kaiba Corporation's weapons, even though it was clear he had been a child at the time, and unaware of how his designs would be used. He had a conscience, if at times, a rudimentary one. But I had never heard him express any remorse for what had happened to us at Death-T. I don't believe he felt any. Then I looked at his white face and understood. He felt such a deep, soul-destroying guilt over what he had almost done to Mokuba, that it blocked out all other feelings.
I was suddenly angry with him. "You still blame yourself. You've never stopped. You look at Seto and hate him for what he's about to do. So how can you sit there and tell me to forgive myself, when you are still holding so tightly to your own guilt and shame?" I demanded.
Unexpectedly, he grinned at that. "What can I say? On you, forgiveness looks better."
"Stop it. I'm serious, Seto Kaiba," I growled
"So am I."
"If I had been the one injured, that would have been acceptable," I said, knowing Kaiba would understand. "But Yugi was the one to pay the penalty for my arrogant blindness. Suddenly, as a result of my own failure… I was blessed by being truly alive for the first time in 3,000 years. And as guilty as I felt… I enjoyed every minute of it… of being myself… of fighting DOMA… with you. Yet every breath I took, was a breath I was stealing from Yugi. It seemed a fitting punishment to have to give that up, to have to go back to being no more than his shadow. And now, I've been rewarded for that ultimate betrayal. I've been granted the unspoken wish of my heart. It doesn't seem… just."
Now, it was Kaiba's turn to get angry. "Was it 'just' for you to get shoved in a puzzle?" he asked with savage mockery. "You're 3,000 years old, Yami – it's time you grew up. Get over expecting life's little rewards and punishments to be fair. They're not fair – they just are. Deal with it and move on."
Kaiba wasn't saying anything he hadn't said before. And he wasn't completely right. As he was learning, the past can neither be out-fought nor out-run. But I must have been more weary than I thought… for I found his harsh pronouncements… comforting.
JOUNOUCHI'S POV
I'm not going to act like I thought Kaiba would listen to me. Or that Seto would appreciate my butting in. But I just couldn't stand watching them… watching how cold Kaiba was. I mean, I knew he was a fucking ice cube, but he was so stuck on himself, that I kind of assumed he'd treat Seto a little more like Mokuba. So finally I just blurted out what was on my mind.
"God damn it, Kaiba. Can't you be a little nicer to him?"
"What difference does it make whether I'm 'nice' or not? He's got to go back to his own time, remember?"
That was the thing about arguing with Kaiba. What he said was logical. It was just… wrong.
"So what? At least he'd get to make some friends and have some fun while he's here."
Luckily, when he goes back, he's not going to remember any of this, anyway."
"It's lucky that he won't remember having friends? It's lucky he won't be able to remember being happy? You're sicker than I thought, Kaiba."
"Where he's going, a happy memory will be of no use," he said, before stalking off.
"I don't know why I bother," I muttered, turning to Sugoroku. "Kaiba's probably right. Anyway – that little brat's the creator of Death-T."
"Not yet, he isn't," Sugoroku said calmly.
"Why are you defending Seto? You know what he's going to do to you – just as soon as he gets a little older."
"So do you. Maybe you should ask yourself why you like him so much."
Arguing with Jichan was even more pointless than arguing with Kaiba. Besides, he was right… at least about Seto. And as much as I disliked the super-sized version, I admit I was kind of getting used to the little guy. He was so fierce for one thing – like a little jump jet. And it was funny seeing all of the big one's airs and arrogance crammed into a min-version. I knew better than to laugh out loud, though. He was almost as good a fighter as his older self, and he'd kick the smile off my face, as soon as see it. I didn't think it was possible, but he was even more aggressive than Kaiba, and twice as bad tempered. Not to mention being the dirtiest fighter I had ever met.
But if I'd mellowed a bit on him – I can't say he returned the favor. He hadn't grasped that I wasn't an enemy, and I doubt he knew what a friend was… or cared. But even that was an improvement on his older self, who looked right through me. (I sometimes wondered if Kaiba realized that inu make wasn't actually my name.)
Given who he was going to grow into, it kind of bugged me that I sort of liked him. Maybe it was because I could see – he was a throwaway kid just like I'd been. Except Seto had never been lucky enough to have a Yugi enter his life and straighten him out. The truth is, I had a fellow feeling for the little guy, that I'd never have for the big one.
And I couldn't resist giving him a nickname.
KAIBA'S POVHe had the nerve to give him a God damned nickname. Well, I suppose you could say I had given the mutt one first, but I didn't think make inu counted – and I certainly didn't mean it affectionately.
Koryuu.
Fucking Little Dragon.
It could have been worse. It almost had been. Jounouchi's first try had been Baby Kaiba, but that suggestion had left him retching on the floor; obviously rethinking the whole pet name thing. The fool had made the mistake of not fighting back until it was too late. Contrary to what was clearly everyone's expectation, I saw no need to intervene as Seto proceeded to show him every trick learned in the dojo and refined at the orphanage or under the tutelage of Gozaburo's thugs.
But if Seto had balked (violently) at Baby Kaiba, he had permitted Little Dragon, and so, reluctantly, did I. If one was to have a nickname, certainly being named after a dragon was acceptable. But it wasn't the name itself – it was what it implied.
They persisted in treating him like a God damned pet. They persisted in treating him like a God damned child.
Childhood was something I gave up so long ago, that I couldn't remember what it had been like. It had simply been a luxury I could not afford – in the end, more expensive than all the planes and helicopters and other fancy toys I now owned. For childhood means dependence and helplessness – and surrendering to the dangerous illusion that there'll be someone to take care of you – someone to make it "all better."
I had put aside childish things at 10, when I challenged Gozaburo. Or at 8, when our relatives stole our inheritance and dumped us to fend for ourselves in the orphanage. Or at 5, when my mother died and my father disappeared into his job. I had been old enough then to pledge myself to Mokuba. I had known, even then, that only one of us was going to get a childhood. Had decided that it would be him.
I didn't regret it. It was the best decision I've ever made, in a lifetime of horrendous choices. But I wasn't going to let anyone negate it either, by treating me like a child.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: In the manga, Jounouchi and Kaiba's feelings towards each other can be summed up as follows: Jounouchi hates Kaiba's guts, and Kaiba is totally and openly contemptuous of Jounouchi. However, I could see Jounouchi feeling differently about Seto. I think he would see something of himself in the younger Seto Kaiba. They have both had difficult childhoods and choose anger and self-destructiveness as a response. The same holds true, of course, for the older Seto Kaiba as well, but I think the wall the older Kaiba has built around himself is too opaque for Jounouchi to see through. I also think that the age difference is a factor. Jounouchi would look at Kaiba and see a calculating, arrogant, cold teenager, who is unnervingly his age. Although Seto shares these qualities, he is younger, and I think Jounouchi recognizes this. Also, Jounouchi is a big brother himself, and has a protective streak a mile wide. Ironically, Seto I think would be unaware of this impulse on Jounouchi's part – probably deeply offended and angry, if he did know – since he would find the idea that he's a child in need of protection both alien and threatening. Actually, the tension between the fact that Seto IS a child, and both his and Kaiba's renunciation of childhood is one of the story threads.
NOTE ON CURSING: (Boy, was that a fucking fun headline to write!) Anyway, one of the funniest things about the subtitled anime (at least to me) was realizing that everyone curses! I don't think Kaiba could talk, if he didn't begin every other sentence with "Shit." And if Kaiba likes to call Jounouchi a stray dog and a mediocrity, Jounouchi's favorite name for Kaiba is "Bastard." (So much more to the point that the dub's choice of Mr. Moneybags – which I always thought was particularly lame, since Kaiba started out as a penniless orphan – cue violins) Anyway, although Kaiba and Jounouchi are the worst (or the best, depending on your POV) everyone, including Mokuba (following Nisama's example) Yugi, and Anzu gets into the act. So you can either assume I'm trying to stay in character. Or you can assume that it's a blast to get to curse in writing, and tell yourself it's for art's sake. Or both…
RESPONSES:
Flashbacks/Internal Damage: (Desidera, Leland Lancaster, Lightning Sage, Kagemihari, Katie Torango, Moonlitspire, Tokemi) When I first started thinking about this story, I'd planned to have Seto have a series of flashbacks. Then I realized that this was all to close to him – he'd be working pretty hard at forgetting this stuff, but that for Kaiba, seeing his younger self, would bring this all vividly back – especially as you get the sense it never really ended. I see Kaiba, at the start of this story, trying to put his life back together, trying to get his 10 year-old self back – so of course he gets stuck with this 13 year-old brat, instead. But one of the story threads is to trace how Kaiba could have gotten to the point where he almost kills Mokuba – and why Mokuba doesn't blame him.
What has always interested me about Kaiba, is not just his willingness and ability to endure emotional damage (at times he seems to invite it), but that he does this because he loves Mokuba more than his own life. I think it's this contradiction between someone who seems so cold and ruthless on the surface, but is capable of a selfless devotion, that makes the character so compelling to me.
Kaiba and Seto's sense of humor: (Lightning Sage, Moonlitspire, Tokemi) I picture Seto and Kaiba as having a pretty macabre sense of humor – partly because they're teen-aged boys, and partly because it's how they deal with things. And I think they'd be worse together… sort of without a restraining influence – and I can see them getting off on shocking anyone who happens to be listening. I think that they'd find the subject of Gozaburo's death pretty funny – sort of a way of realizing that he's really gone, or trying to assert that he has no power over them… or something. Although it occurred to me that you know you're in trouble when someone jumping out of a window is the comic relief.
Mokuba and Kouma: (Desidera) In Chapter 13 (appropriately) everyone gets their first in-depth look at Kouma, and Mokuba's feelings about his younger self.
Older and younger Seto Kaibas: (Ceribi Motou) The relationship between them is one of the main story threads, so there's plenty of interaction between them. For me, one of the challenges of writing Seto Kaiba (much less two of them) is that he's someone with real emotional depth, but who is very unable to express his feelings. So it's always a balancing act of putting some real content into his sparse utterances, making (at least the older version) sound somewhat graceful (in the manga and subtitled anime, I'm impressed at how poetic a lot of what he says, is) while making it sound forced, as if it's taking an effort (on his part, let alone mine.) So while their interaction includes a lot of dialog, a lot of it is non-verbal.
And you do find out what happens when Seto has a nightmare, but I'm afraid it's a long wait.
DOOM: (CM Aeris Queen of Insanity) I've seen the subtitled anime up to where Yami loses to Rafael, and Yugi's soul gets trapped in this wall tile thing, and where Kaiba beats Amelda. I'm relying on summaries for the sketchy information on how it ends. Really, the only thing I know is that Kaiba sacrifices his life points to Yami, which also trapps his soul. I don't know anything about the Grand Prix, except for seeing a screen capture of Kaiba in a pretty ugly white suit.
Story Construction (length, interweaving stories, details): (Moonlitspire, QueenOfGames2, Tokemi) This story was simpler when I first started thinking about it. But the more I thought about it, the more ways I thought of how the characters could bounce off, and occasionally, learn from each other – and the more story threads developed. As soon as I had it all tapped out (well, that was my optimistic thought) I started posting, and as soon as I read the first reviews, I realized how much of the story was in my head, but had never made it to the page. I've realized so far, that I had to flesh out Seto's relationships with both Kaiba and Mokuba… and that when I know something in my head, I have to make sure the reader knows it, too
By the way – I've never read Terry Pratchett – although I've got to check him out, now – but I know a compliment when I see one.
When I first started writing, I was sure that everyone would be bored by the crazy made up details I work into my stories – like what Kaiba wears when hanging around the house (well, okay – I figured that one would keep people's interest), what his dining room décor is like, where everyone sleeps, what his kitchen (or kitchens) look like, etc. The second most pleasurable surprise (the first was that people both enjoy and related to my stories – I still have a sense of wonder about that – which I hope I never lose) was that people liked all these ridiculous details that seem to pop into my head.
Thanks to EcoGoth for continued encouragement. I really like to know people are still enjoying the story.