Please read and review! In addition to just plain loving reviews, I find them helpful in terms of structuring the rest of the story.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I re-posted this chapter because I made a really glaring typographical error that made a sentence I particularly liked, incredibly confusing.
CAPSULE MONSTER CHESS is the game Mokuba is an expert at. In the early manga, he challenges Yugi, twice. The final time is at Death-T. When he loses, Seto forces him to go through the Death Simulation Penalty Game he had prepared for Yugi, until Yami rescues him.
CHARACTER NOTE: Tea from the cartoon is annoying enough that I can sympathize with the many efforts to kill her off. But Anzu from the manga, is a different person. When the situation gets tense, she is often the person who does what needs to be done, or says what needs to be said, whether it's clobbering a zombie professor to save Jou's life, or getting Mokuba to open up to the group. This is the side of her I tried to portray. In the anime, she refers to Kaiba as Kaiba-kun, which is a more polite form of address. I think she'd continue that while speaking (particularly to Mokuba) but I think she might be a little less polite, and drop the kun in her thoughts.
CHAPTER 13: THE AGE OF INNOCENCE
MOKUBA'S POV
Even a day later, Jounouchi was still complaining. Luckily (at least I thought it was lucky at first) Nisama and Oniichan were going over Oniichan's project on the computer upstairs.
"I can't believe I got suckered by a kid," Jounouchi grumbled.
"Of course he's not a kid," Kouma said confidently.
"Oh yeah, what is he then – a midget?" Jounouchi laughed.
That got Kouma angry. But in his rush to explain, he only made things worse. "How could he be a kid? If he was just a kid, how could he take care of me? Or trick our… adoptive father into taking us in?"
"You might not think he's a kid, but I bet he's the terror of whatever school is unlucky enough to have him."
"Nisama doesn't go to school. Sometimes he picks me up, and we get to walk home together. Then he has to sneak back past the security guards. It's one of his games."
But Honda had only caught the first part of Kouma's remarks. "No school, huh? I always knew Kaiba was lucky. I bet he just gets to play games all day. No wonder he got so good at Duel Monsters."
Of course, Honda had been a monkey when we were in Noa's world. So I guess he missed most of what went on there. Or maybe he was just clueless…
"This was his first duel… well against a real person. He plays against himself all the time. He lets me watch. And he gets to use the Blue Eyes White Dragon I made for him," Kouma said.
"Now I really feel like a jerk," Jounouchi wailed. "You mean he beat me… and it was the first game he's ever played?"
"He's never played Duel Monsters. But he plays a lot of games with our adoptive father." Kouma's nose scrunched up. I remembered how puzzled I had been by most of what went on at the mansion. How long it had taken me to figure things out. "I don't really like their games," he confessed, "but Nisama says they're okay. Like when our adoptive father made him play the "No Sleep" game. Nisama said that was good. Do you know how much time people waste sleeping? And besides, this way he has more time to visit me at night."
"Kouma, did you have to play, too?" It would be Anzu who asked that so softly.
"No, because we're a team. Nisama told me. It's just like we're pieces on the same side of a chessboard. I'm the King," he announced proudly.
"What does that make Kaiba, the Queen?" Jounouchi snickered.
But I found myself reciting Nisama's answer along with Kouma. "The Queen has all the moves. She does whatever it takes to protect the King. That's her job. Because he's the heart of the game. Sometimes, Nisama's the Knight, too. 'Cause no one can ever predict what the Knight's going to do next."
My smile faded as we got to the part of Nisama's speech that I had been too young to understand when I had been Kouma's age. The part he had said more to himself than to me. Sure enough, Kouma had scrunched his nose again. He looked so cute I wanted to smack him, as he said, "I don't really get what he says next. He says it about Duel Monsters, too."
"What's that, Kouma?" Anzu asked.
"That the game can't be played without a sacrifice."
He smiled uncertainly at the sudden hush in the room. Then the little chatterbox spoke into the uncomfortable silence he had created, going on to blab more of Nisama's secrets.
"He's real good at chess, but our adoptive father never plays him anymore. They play work games. Like he'll challenge Nisama to design something – but he'll have to race the clock. If he loses, he has to play a penalty game."
I saw Yami's start of surprise. Did he think he was Nisama's first opponent – or his most dangerous? There's more than one kind of Shadow Game, and my brother had played them all.
"Nisama says that's okay though. That when you lose you should pay. That's how you learn never to make mistakes. They play a lot of fighting games. I think Nisama likes those the best, but he says I'm too young to watch."
"Oh, man… please tell me that's a video game," Jounouchi said.
"No. He plays against some of adoptive father's security guards. I don't like that game. I don't like any of his games," he suddenly wailed. "Especially the last one. Nisama came up with that one himself. It's called, 'The Opposites Game.' When people are around he pretends he hates…"
"Shut up!"
Everyone turned and stared. They were as surprised as I, that the order had come from my mouth.
"What gives? You're the one who's always trying to get us to understand your brother – and you've never told us anything half so juicy." Jounouchi said.
"I know."
What I knew was that I was never going to be able to explain.
"It's just… listening to him… I realized how much Nisama would hate your knowing any of this. I mean, I don't think it's a weakness – but he does. It feels disloyal. Like maybe, I should just take his side for once."
"You could never be disloyal. You're always on his side, Mokuba, because everything you do is done out of love. Never forget that," Anzu insisted, talking over Jounouchi's shout of frustration:
"But it was just getting good!"
Yami stirred, but before he could speak, if that was his intention, Yugi broke in. "We've all tried getting to know him. Maybe we should try something new – just accepting him for who he is."
I looked at him gratefully.
"And who's that?" Jounouchi asked.
"Someone who's never going to feel comfortable coming any closer than the fringes of your group," I answered sadly.
All Kouma had caught, of course, was the tone of my voice.
"Did I do something wrong?" he asked, lower lip quivering. "I was just trying to help."
I sighed. I didn't understand what Nisama – either Nisama – saw in this crybaby. What it was about him that made them want give up everything for him. But I knew they would expect me to comfort him.
"I just wanted them to like him," he sobbed as I hugged him.
Well, that I could understand. If I wasn't 13, I might have felt like crying too.
ANZU'S POVI waved him over. He paused, so I added a smile. A year ago Mokuba wouldn't have hesitated before spilling his guts out to me. Then again… a year ago he had been 12. But I could see he needed to talk, and he wouldn't – not without my help. It's funny… most of us thought of Mokuba as the open, trusting one – but that was only because he was usually standing next to Kaiba. Actually, I don't think he had ever confided in anyone, before me. No wonder he had ended up falling so hard. That was another reason I wanted to help. I was his first crush… and that's quite a responsibility. Right now, as much as he thought he wanted his dream girlfriend, what he really needed was a friend.
Jounouchi and Yugi were keeping Kouma occupied by teaching him Capsule Monster Chess, of all things. Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with those guys, except of course, for the fact that they're guys. I could see Mokuba staring at Kouma as if he wished Yami would lock him in a capsule and forget to let him out.
"I guess it's hard living with a younger version of yourself," I said sympathetically.
"It's not that. Well, not only that. It's just… he's such a pathetic little brat! It's all his fault, and everyone thinks he's so cute. If it wasn't for him, Nisama would have had a good life with one of those families that wanted him."
"But Mokuba, for better or worse, you are his life. You didn't see him at Duelist's Kingdom. I did. He would never be happy without you."
"I look at him," Mokuba said, nodding to Kouma, "and I can't figure out why. Why do I make Nisama so happy that nothing else, not even his life, matters? And you know what's the worst part? I can't help but feel special. I can't help but feel like I'm worth that kind of sacrifice. I can't help but look in the mirror and see myself the way Nisama does. I just wish…" he trailed off.
"What, Mokuba?" I said, to keep him talking.
"I just wish that Nisama could see himself through my eyes… just once. He's so good to me, and so mean to himself, and he doesn't even realize it any more. Why am I always the one? Why doesn't he ever get to be the King?"
He glared at his younger self as if he was to blame, and I realized… he was mad at Kourma for being valued so highly, because he couldn't even admit who he was really mad at… his beloved Nisama – for valuing himself so low.
"Everyone rolls their eyes or laughs, but Nisama's the most loving person I've ever met. He just doesn't show it the way everyone else does. He can't anymore. That's okay. But he doesn't realize, I don't need a Knight anymore, and I don't need to be King. I just want to be brothers."
"Have you told Kaiba-kun any of this?" I asked, although I knew the answer.
"No… not really. My brother's not that good with emotions; and mushy stuff freaks him out a little," he muttered, as if he was revealing a secret; as if the question of his brother's ability to feel, much less show, emotion wasn't a topic of endless debate among us. (The truth was, now that Kaiba wasn't trying to kill us any longer – we loved gossiping about him.)
"Sometimes mushy is good. Even if it makes him uncomfortable, I bet, deep down he'd like to know," I said, hoping I was right.
Well, speak of the devil, I thought, as Kaiba entered the room. He gave Mokuba the little half smile he reserved only for him, but didn't approach. He shot me that enigmatic glare that always seemed to have my name on it. I had almost given up on trying to read the emotions in it, when I realized the one I had the most trouble recognizing on his face was gratitude. I had been the one to talk to Mokuba; to listen to him, back when Kaiba had been in a coma – and he knew it. I guess you could say that I had protected Mokuba's heart while he had been guarding Kaiba's. He resented having to be grateful to me – but he was – and we both knew that, too.
I smiled at the assessing nature of his look. He knew about Mokuba's crush, of course. He had probably already scoped me out; knew everything about me from my shoe size to my bra size. That he seemed content to leave Mokuba in my presence indicated that he either knew that Mokuba was too young to do anything but dream about me, or that he was ready to accept me as a sister-in-law. I sincerely hoped it was the former, having no ambition to be a participant in a shotgun wedding to a 13 year-old, and even less dependence on Kaiba's common sense when it came to anything concerning Mokuba.
As we watched, Kaiba went over to Kouma, swinging him high over his head, then flipped him so he was dangling the boy by the ankles, spinning him as Kouma shrieked with laughter.
"I don't mind him as much when they're together. He makes Nisama so happy. I'm glad they came, then," Mokuba smiled.
Kouma was equally delighted in this even bigger, big brother; seeing no shadows in him. Seto had started to flinch at Kouma's blind faith. It was another obligation he could not possibly live up to; but Kaiba delighted in the trust of the little brother he had yet to betray.
As if he had an extra sense, Kaiba put Kouma on his feet just before Seto entered. When Seto was absent, Kouma was rarely out of Kaiba's arms. But when he was present, Kaiba silently ceded this younger brother to him.
Kaiba took a couple of steps back, and Yami approached him; stood next to him without speaking. If Kaiba was resentful of Mokuba's feelings for me – how did he think I felt – seeing him draw Yami to his side simply by walking into the room?
I had started to realize that my infatuation for Yami was just as childish as Mokuba's for me. Yami was this powerful, mysterious presence who had suddenly and dramatically entered our little world – like a character in a novel suddenly sprung to life – and he had saved mine. Of course I had fallen in love with him… neither knowing, nor caring more than that. And Yugi had only been the shy boy I had known all my life… who sometimes seemed as young as Mokuba. It had taken watching him save Jounouchi at Battle City; it had taken almost losing him to DOOM – to make me wonder if I had set my sights on the wrong aibou.
Yugi smiled at me from across the room. He was kind enough not to intrude on Mokuba's time alone with me. I smiled back. Someone should tell Yugi that Mokuba would not return his courtesy. Mokuba was a practical boy; he knew he was too young for me. But he was a Kaiba, and had probably already figured out at what age I might consider him old enough; exactly when the five-year gap would no longer matter. But I was grateful for Yugi's hesitation, his shyness. I didn't want him to ask; I didn't want to have to answer; until I was sure he was the one I wanted – and not the one I was settling for.
When Yugi and Yami had separated, I had thought I could finally figure out which was the one I wanted. I had assumed it would be my decision. It had never occurred to me that Yami's feelings for me were simply a reflection of Yugi's. That left to himself, he might make a different choice.
I looked at Yami and Kaiba, standing so close together, almost touching. Yami still dressed in Yugi's clothes: black sleeveless shirt, black leather pants, with Yugi's blue school blazer slung over his shoulders. Yugi's double belt was around his waist, caressing his hips; Yugi's collection of bangles were circling his wrists. Once he had been a little embarrassed by Yugi's taste in clothes. It had been one of the few signs of shyness I had seen in him, and so, it had been… cute. Now he wore the outfit like a second skin.
As Kaiba stood next to him, towering over him, it was easy to see – he was Yami's match. He looked elegant and dangerous as always. He was wearing a deep blue, collarless, button-down shirt, with black leather pants. The inevitable, heavy, Kaiba Corporation belt was resting on his slim hips. Over everything he had thrown one of his trademark trench coats that seemed to flare, even in the breezeless room. It was silk, black; threaded with flecks of blue and silver… as if his dragons had been woven into its making.
Yami might have been a spirit, and Kaiba was (presumably) flesh and blood, but they had the same intangible air of darkness surrounding them. They stood side by side as if that was the way they were meant to face the world… together. It made it easy to believe in Isis's tales of reincarnation.
It made it easy to accept: for Yugi, I was the girl next door. But Yami was living in Kaiba's neighborhood, now, not mine.
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Kaiba and Mokuba: I picture Seto and Gozaburo playing a series of increasingly destructive games where Gozaburo's goal is to destroy Seto's personality and rebuild him in his own image, while Seto's goal is to keep Gozaburo so focused on their duel that he leaves Mokuba alone. But I think Seto would also try to hide the more destructive aspects of this game from Mokuba. After all, his promise is to protect his younger brother, and see that he grows up to be happy – so I think it would be important to him that Mokuba remains ignorant of the price he's paying. Given the persistence of the game motif in Yugioh, I can see Seto pretending that everything going on is just a game. And I think, at eight, Kouma, who is used to trusting his brother's word, absolutely, would not have figured out what was going on.
Mokuba and Kouma: Everyone loves Mokuba, right? And Kouma is even younger and cuter – so who could resist him? I decided that the answer might be Mokuba. Because he understands is that if it wasn't for him, Seto would have had an easier life. What he doesn't understand, and what Anzu tried to explain is that Seto doesn't want an easier life – he wants and needs Mokuba and always has.
But I think Mokuba would be angry at Seto the way people get furious at loved ones who die. But that's the kind of anger he couldn't admit to – even to himself. I think he would feel so guilty about being mad at Seto, that he would bury his anger as deeply as he could – or redirect it at Kouma.
RESPONSES TO REVIEWS:
The Duel: (Anonymous, Ceribi Motou, Crimson Winter, Desidera, Leland Lancaster, Mistal: The Poisoned One, QueenOfGames2) I probably couldn't plot out an entire duel, but I do like thinking about what the cards could mean in terms of the characters. I noticed that in the early episodes, the Battle Ox is one of Kaiba's favorite cards – and the Rabid Horseman is the fusion card he uses against Jounochi when they meet at Duelist's Kingdom. So I thought of it as a connection between Seto and Kaiba. I think Kaiba didn't give Seto the dragons because he felt to do so would be an insult to the BEWD that Mokuba drew for him, and also that it would be an insult to the deck that means so much to Seto. But I was trying to show him supporting Seto in a non-verbal way – by giving him precisely the help he needed – and could bring himself to accept. I also think there was a note of testing Seto to his gift. He couldn't watch Seto lose, without giving him a fighting chance – but he only gave him enough help it enable him to win IF he played his best.
I also thought the combination of Baby Dragon (Koryuu) changing to 1,000 year Dragon (through Time Wizard) was appropriate for Seto – since it's literally a Baby Dragon that instantly becomes and adult.
I feel a little bad about Jounouchi. He really was in a no-win situation. If he wins, he's beaten a 13 year-old kid, and if he loses, he's lost to Seto Kaiba, yet again! And any Seto Kaiba was certain to gloat and be dismissive. But I also wanted to show that his own conflicted feelings about beating Seto contributed to his loss.
Updates: (Alli) It's probably an eccentric (not to say, odd) comparison – but I think fan fiction is probably the closest this today to the serialized Victorian novels that first appeared in monthly installments in magazines – and readers would have to wait from month to month to find out if Little Nell had died. The big advantage Victorian readers had (besides the fact that Wilkie Collins was writing, then) was that once a story started, you could pretty much count on regular updates.
But I know how much I hate waiting to see if a story I like has been updated, and I really hate that feeling you get when you realize something you've been following has entered story limbo – and that you'll never find out what happened next. I actually delay starting to post a story until I know that I have enough of it figured out that I know I'll be able to both update regularly and eventually finish it – although I often change many things along the way – often in response to points people raise.
Manga/anime characters and character development: (Alli, Jess) I tend to use the manga and subtitled anime (both of which I prefer to the dub) as a base – and then try to see where I'm going to take the characters from there. I don't "own" them – but I sure feel like I'm borrowing them – possibly for illicit purposes. I know most people haven't read/seen the manga/anime (wow, was that a fun sentence to write!) so I try to include notes that hopefully summarize which version of the characters or storyline my story is based on. And of course, I hope that Déjà Vu is complete in and of itself. I love Yugioh with it's fantastic magical elements and the lurid pasts of its characters. That's actually one thing I love about fantasy in general. But I'm also impressed at how real and three dimensional the characters Mr. Takahashi created are, and I suppose that in my own way, I'm trying to keep them grounded in real emotions and reactions, even though the plot has elements of time travel and magic.
Dragon Titles: (Amarin Rose) Thanks! I had no idea there were so many dragon titles out there! I had managed to forget about the Anne McCaffrey series, and didn't notice Patricia Wrede's series on my periodic title searches through Barnes and Noble.
Grammar: (laura m) Thanks for the corrections. I fixed the errors in Chapter 12 and reposted it, when I added this chapter – which I hope has fewer mistakes.
Thanks to Katie Torango – to have readers think (or feel) about something I've written is a wonderful compliment.