Please Read and Review… mainly because I'd love to know what people think.
CHAPTER 19: THE BIGGER THEY ARE THE HARDER THEY FALL
MOKUBA'S POV
I don't know how most people find out that their brother has a lover… but I'm willing to bet it's not by walking into his room and finding a body in his bed.
Nisama gets up way earlier than me… well, earlier than everybody, really. But he usually works for an hour or two in his room before heading to his office. On school days, he'd wait around to get me up, to see that I ate breakfast, and to take me to school. On weekends, vacations, and holidays, I'd gotten used to getting up at 5:30, spending an hour or two with him, and then heading back to bed.
After our… well, guess you'd have to call it a talk… last night, I wanted to see him. I figured he'd still be upset. I'd seen more than he was aware of, back then… back with Gozaburo. And I'd heard enough to know why the word 'love' always freaked him out a little. I could only hope I'd seen and heard everything. I'd seen Gozaburo's hand on my brother's neck, sometimes gently stroking… sometimes choking… as if my brother was a toy he liked abusing, but was not quite ready to throw away. I'd heard Gozaburo's voice, like some demented accompaniment, crooning, "Would losing Mokuba destroy you? Do you love him? Do you love me? Do you understand that love is a snare for the weak?"
I had seen my brother's face – although he hadn't seen me – and I knew better to draw attention to my presence. For the look in his eyes said that he was going to attract my adoptive father's notice… and hold it at all costs.
"You should have more confidence in your teachings… father… than to ask such stupid questions."
That had brought Gozaburo's attention back – along with his fists.
Then, after he had cleaned himself up, Nisama would come and visit me – and I would pretend that I had seen and heard nothing. I would give him an hour when he could pretend that everything was all right… that we were somewhere safe… someplace where it was just Kouma and Seto. He was offering his body and soul to keep me safe. All I could give him was my heart… and hope it would be enough.
So I knew why he flinched every time he heard the word, 'love'. I just thought it was time he heard the word on my lips for a change. But afterwards, I'd been afraid he'd do something crazy. Looking at the sleeping body in his bed I decided – maybe he had…
I was glad Nisama had pulled up the covers up. All I could see was the tri-colored head, and one bare shoulder. I had a moment's wistful thought that maybe it was Yugi… and I could help Anzu get over the shock. But, deep down, I knew better. When those eyes opened… they'd be crimson.
Nisama was at his desk. He looked at me and shrugged, as though my finding a guy in his bed wasn't unprecedented. It was hard to picture Nisama with his greatest rival. Then again, I'd seen them duel. And come to think of it, Nisama would only respect someone who could beat him. He judged people by how well they measured up in two areas: as duelists and as older siblings. And Yami was an only child.
It was hard to imagine Nisama admitting he needed anyone for anything – even for sex. I couldn't see him making the first move – he was too guarded. But I'd hate to be the person who tried to touch him without his permission. Yami had always been able to break through my brother's defenses, though. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he had done it again.
I remembered what Yami had said after Alcatraz. He had tried, as usual, to explain the concept of friendship to Nisama. And my brother, also as usual, had demanded to know what place an abstract idea like friendship had in his life. And then Yami had done something different. He had held Nisama's gaze with an intensity unrivaled – even for him – as though willing his words through my brother's thick skull. He had told Nisama that the demons he needed to defeat were not carried in any deck; they were held in my brother's heart. Nisama had been looking for his future… for a true future… for a long time. Yami had pointed the way. Then, having earned my brother's attention with his victory, Yami had demanded, "How can you deny the connection between us, when we bring out the best in each other?"
He had actually gotten my brother to stop and think. And he had done more… Later, in the underground corridors of Alcatraz, my brother had stopped in his tracks. I had thought, for a moment, he meant to blow himself up along with his man-made prison. But something had gotten him moving again… and I thought it might have been Yami's words. If so, I owed him a debt I could never repay.
But it wasn't a one-way street. Yami needed Nisama too, and just as much. I had heard enough of those late night conversations to know – those talks hadn't been for my brother's benefit – but for Yami's.
Nisama was willing to die for Yami. DOOM had proved that. But dying has always been easy for my brother. I hoped that last night was a sign that he was ready to live.
The more I though about it, the more I liked the idea.
"Is this going to be a regular thing?" I asked, hoping the answer was yes.
But if Yami had managed to get through my brother's defenses, Nisama had had plenty of time to repair them. He shrugged as if he didn't care, although I was willing to bet he did – a lot. My brother wasn't a casual sex kind of guy. Hell, he wasn't a casual anything kind of guy.
"Who knows? I'm damned if I can figure out how it happened at all. Anyway, I doubt it meant anything to him."
It was then that I realized he was in his trench coat. So he wasn't going to wait around to find out.
"Why are you dressed?" I asked
"I'm going to work," he said curtly.
I didn't point out that it was at least an hour earlier than usual.
"You're not going to just leave him here?" I asked, trying not to smile.
He shrugged for the third time.
"Why not? He must know his way around the mansion by now." He closed his laptop and headed out the door. But my brother's hasty exit might be a good sign. I thought Nisama was probably wrong about Yami. He didn't strike me as a casual sex kind of guy either. He wouldn't have gone to bed with my brother just for kicks. If this was a duel, Nisama would have known just what to do next. But this was his life, and he was clueless.
I hurried to follow my brother out the door. If Nisama wasn't going to hang around, I certainly didn't want to be the only one there when Yami woke up.
But I had never seen my brother run from anything before. So I hoped Yami recognized Nisama's desertion for the twisted compliment it was.
KAIBA'S POVWhat the hell had just happened?
Okay, technically speaking, I knew what the hell had just happened. I'd just spent the night fucking my greatest rival.
But…
What the hell had just happened?
Yesterday had been, bar none, the strangest day of my life… and that took in a lot of territory. It had started with Shadi's presence in my mind. What had hurt had not been his invasion – but that Yami hadn't cared enough to try and destroy me himself. And so, it was Yami I had ached to confront – only to find that he was even angrier at Shadi than I.
Then Yami had touched me. He had taken my face in his hands. And the desire that I had so locked away so tightly I would have sworn it didn't exist, had flooded through me, like an angry river breaching a seawall. All I could think about was claiming those lips beneath mine. But I had known that once I touched his lips with my own I would not have stopped until I had taken him on the floor, Shadi and Yugi's presence notwithstanding. So I had run.
To make a bad day worse… Mokuba loved me. Had told me so in such a way as to make it clear, although I still fought the knowledge, that he had seen a lot more than I wanted. Hell, he was older now. I should have expected him to think back and see through my desperate, worn out lies, the shabby tricks I'd used to hide the fact that we were growing up in Hell. At his words, all the subterfuges I'd been so proud of had turned to dust in my hands, and I couldn't stay in the same house with them.
And then, as if my unacknowledged desire had called him, Yami had been in my room… taking my face in his hands once more. He had chosen his moment well – as always. I hadn't been ready to face Mokuba again. I hadn't wanted to be alone. But I had wanted Yami, too badly to deny it.
When had seeing Yami in my bedroom started to feel so familiar? So right? Yami had not spoken of love, thankfully. I had had enough thoughts of love for one day.
I kept waiting for him to pull out his trap card, getting angrier and angrier – even as I couldn't stop kissing him. Until it occurred to me that this wasn't some subtle game… that he would actually let me do whatever I wanted… because he wanted it too… because he wanted me.
I was not gentle. Any gentleness had been beaten out of me long ago, and I wanted him too desperately to try to find that elusive commodity. I wanted to taste him, to compare the different textures of his body with my tongue; to caress each centimeter of slightly golden skin until it was as familiar as my own, until it was just as much a part of me. I wanted to feel him, to be surrounded by him, to lose myself inside of him.
And yet, as obsessed as I was with the body beneath mine, what I longed for was the part of Yami I could not hold in my hands; what I craved was the spirit housed within. Even when he had been a ghost brought to life in the blink of an eye… in the second it took for violet eyes to close and crimson ones to open… he had never been a mere phantom to me. He had always been real. I wanted to prove that to him. I wanted to make him feel his own flesh and blood. And I wanted him to want me… to feel nothing but me… to think of nothing but me. If sex is, in the end, simply an exchange – I wanted it to be an equal one.
I could tell myself that I had been the one on top – but that had proved a hollow victory. For I had been the one drawn in deeper with each thrust. For possibly the first time in my life, I had not been out to prove something, but to give something – a piece of myself, perhaps. As if with each stroke I was trying to reach some place inside of myself as well as Yami, or more frighteningly, had lost sight of where I ended and Yami began. We were joined… when my strength has always been in standing alone. In the end, in all the ways that mattered, Yami had taken me. He might have been on the bottom, but he had turned the tables once again.
And so, I hadn't wanted to stay this morning and see those crimson eyes open; hadn't wanted to see that familiar smirk. The one that would have told me that he'd won again… that he'd made me feel.
Last night I had believed that Yami was offering friendship. Last night I wasn't sure I wanted even so tenuous a tie. This morning I realized I was wrong on both counts. I wanted him, all right. I still wanted him now. But, I had no clue what Yami had offered, what he was after, what he wanted. Maybe nothing more than a chance to see how his rival fucked. Life is much simpler, if you just go straight to assuming that your worst supposition is the true one. But that was suddenly… unsatisfying.
There was only so long I could hide out in my office. Eventually I'd have to go home to my room, which would stay stubbornly empty until Mokuba came to find me the next morning – came to witness yet another failure. At least, I've always been able to deal with whatever disaster came my way next.
Besides, for the first time, when I closed my eyes, the hand I felt on my face was not Gozaburo's, but Yami's. The voice I heard tickling my ear was his, saying, "I want you." Even if last night meant nothing to him…. he had given me a flashback I didn't mind having. I was grateful.
But just when I had convinced myself of Yami's indifference, the door swung open and there he was. I barely had time to wonder how he had gotten in, when he grabbed my shirt, pulled me to him, and kissed me. At first, just our mouths were touching. I opened my mine for him, so he could play with my tongue, explore it… so he could take my mouth as I had taken him the night before… and he showed as little gentleness as I had in claiming his prize. Then we were plastered against each other, as closely entwined as if our clothes had suddenly vanished. His lips never left mine, although his hands were everywhere, running up and down my body, stroking, teasing… until I was moaning into his mouth. Until I was ready to take him on my office floor. Until my desk was starting to look good to me and I was ready to lie down on top of it if that was what he wanted… having learned last night that in some situations – control is an illusion.
Then suddenly, abruptly, he released me. I regained my balance as swiftly as a cat will, and stared into his blazing eyes.
"You were the first one to truly see me, Seto Kaiba. Even when you lived only to defeat me, I became real when I saw myself reflected in your eyes. Your rage, your passion, our rivalry – gave me form. Did you think I could forget? Did you think that meant nothing to me? Or did you think that you meant nothing to me?" His eyes narrowed, "You insult me. Tonight. I'll be waiting in your room. Don't even try to run."
Then he was gone.
I still had no clue what was going on. We have always lived in each other's blind spots. As often as we had dueled, my recklessness, my utter disregard for my own safety had always taken him by surprise. And Yami employed his subtle strategies in pursuing, what were to me, unfathomable ends.
So the only thing I knew for certain was that whatever Yami was after, one night wouldn't do it. He was out to satisfy something more than mere curiosity.
I touched my lips; flicked out my tongue to taste him on them.
I guess he had told me.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I consider the reasons why Kaiba is so clueless about how Yami feels about him (or for that matter, how he feels about Yami) to be heartbreaking – it's because he doesn't think he's capable of deep emotions (besides anger and hatred) and he doesn't believe he's capable of inspiring them either. But I find Kaiba's cluelessness, in and of itself, really funny. Partly because it's his last line of defense, and like all his defensive systems sometimes it doesn't work so well; and partly because he's so smart and analytical in so many ways that his gaping blind spots are just funny.
I think Seto has allowed himself to be aware of his attraction to Yami because he knows his anger and general distrustfulness will keep him from getting close. Kaiba, who does trust Yami, has relied on not noticing his and Yami's attraction, way past the time when it was obvious to just about everyone else. Since he's nothing if not stubborn, he's still not seeing that Yami could actually care about him. The farthest he's willing to go is to admit to himself that he likes seeing Yami in his bedroom… or office.
I don't blame Yami for sometimes wanting to yell at him. Or kiss him. Or both.
RSPONSES TO REVIEWS:
Yami, Kaiba and sleep: (EcoGoth, samurai-ashes) I think Yami would really like being held tightly – sort of the ultimate proof that he exists. And I think he would want to see the proof of just how deeply he has penetrated (sorry, couldn't resist) into Kaiba's feelings – especially since it's not like Kaiba's going to express them. But I also think he'd get a kick out of yanking Kaiba's chain and watching him react – sort of like it's another point to him. And I can definitely see them both being competitive enough to notice who fell asleep first, or woke up first.
Scars: (EcoGoth) Like you, I noticed how Kaiba is always in something long sleeved – even in one Labor Day special where they're all at the beach. And I think when you see an adult, standing behind a frightened child, laughing while holding said child's head up with a riding crop, physical (not to mention psychological) abuse seems like a safe bet. I also think I tend to see Kaiba with scars, although they vary with in size and location (sort of like his tattoos) from story to story – because they are an external sign of his internal damage. And I wanted to show that even though he hadn't said more than three sentences, that he did trust Yami – that that was an important component of his decision to sleep with him.
Yami and Kaiba: (AmunRa, Desidera, EcoGoth, Karoru Metallium, Kurosaisei, Mistal: The Poisoned One, Nachzes-Black Rider, Sylvia Viridian) Thanks. I was nervous about this chapter. At some point when I was plotting this all out, I started thinking about whether to rate it NC-17 or R. But I realized that it's all told in first person narration – and I couldn't imagine either of these guys getting that detailed. Also I wanted to tell the love story part of it solely in terms of what the characters were feeling, as opposed to physical descriptions. It made it a little surreal and dreamlike – which I think is the way it felt to Yami.
I think Yami does think of this as a game that he has to win – and to his mind winning is having Kaiba open up, and realize that he is both capable of loving and worth being loved himself. In fact, I think that's a battle that Yami feels he can't afford to lose.
At first I had Yami keep using Kaiba simply because 'Seto' was so closely associated with the 13 year old version. But then I also thought that this is what Yami is used to calling him – and Yami has only one name himself – so it might feel more natural to just keep saying Kaiba. He'll come up with a few other things to call him along the way.
Kaiba's instincts: (laura m) I wasn't trying to say that Kaiba cares what the Yugi-taachi think of him – I don't think that he does. I was trying to show that he trusted his ability to read people and their motives when he had to. After all he did manage to manipulate Gozaburo into adopting them, and in the Virtual World arc, in the subtitled anime, it's clear that he understands that the Big 5 are trying to trap him and probably have something underhanded planned. He walks into the trap believing he can defeat them anyway, and deciding he has to take the risk if it's the surest way of getting rid of them.
Differences to "I Guess it was in the Cards": (laura m, Kekewey) Wow, I'm glad people noticed that! I see the relationship as evolving differently in Déjà vu, because they're not exactly the same characters, and they're not in the same situation, and I was influenced by different parts of the manga/subtitled anime. When I wrote the first draft of "Cards" I hadn't seen DOOM or the end of Alcatraz, although I had read summaries of it. So my picture of Kaiba was strongly influenced by Battle City, the Battle Ship, Duelist's Kingdom, and especially Death-T (well, okay, that's a never ending fascination on my part…) Anyway, I pictured a Seto Kaiba who was still locked in his battle with Gozaburo, and didn't know how to free himself. And I pictured Yami as separating from Yugi, not because he wanted to, but because he believed it was best for Yugi. I pictured him as being ambivalent about whether he wanted to be his own person. I also sort of pictured him a bit as a Tolkein elf.
In "Déjà Vu" I was influenced by the end of Alcatraz, and what I've seen of DOOM in the subtitled anime (I still haven't seen the end of the arc) so I pictured a Kaiba who really gets what he has to do, and is searching for a way to live with his past. I also, since I was dealing with Seto and how he became Kaiba, writing a lot of flashback scenes showing his interaction with Gozaburo – which led me to portray a person who was a lot more closed down emotionally – who was in many ways withdrawn as much as angry. And DOOM really influenced my portrayal of Yami. At first he was guilt stricken, almost catatonic – but later I think it was clear that part of him was enjoying being independent. There's this one scene where they are being chased down this hallway by all these monsters and they both have these big shit-eating grins on their faces. So I tried to capture that. Also, although I still see him as having this kind of ancient wisdom, I have tried to make him a little less of a Tolkein elf, and a little more human.
Since I imagined the characters a little differently, they ended up with a relationship that is also developing along somewhat different lines. So if you ask me which version is the true one – schizophrenic as it sounds – they both are.
Thanks to Anime-Fan Artemis and MotherCHOWGoddess. I'm glad you liked the chapter, and thanks for reviewing.