Buffy held tightly onto Spike's hands to stop him from hurting himself. Of all the reactions she might have expected from him, blind panic was not one of them. The moment he had bolted up screaming in bed she had frozen. Everyone in the room had. She had watched him send himself into a flurry of panic, seen him fling himself from his bed ripping the needle from his hands, but she had still failed to react.

She had finally gotten her senses back, and the use of her feet, when he had backed himself into the corner. He was hiding from the sunlight. It was his instinct to get out of the path of light. Buffy understood this but she didn't understand why he was so upset, why he was trying to hurt himself. She'd naively thought he'd be happy about it or, at least, react in the same stoic way that Angel had.

Her thoughts went back to the other people in the room. She turned and saw Angel sitting up in bed, Nina had an arm wrapped around his shoulders and the two of them were staring at Spike as if he were nuts, which he might be for all Buffy knew.

Spike and insanity weren't exactly strangers to one another.

Dawn came rushing back through the door with the nurse that Buffy had insisted she go and get. The Slayer kept her hold on Spike as the nurse ran over. She pulled a small flashlight from her pocket and half-shoved Buffy out of the way to crouch in front of Spike.

He hissed as she shone the light in his eyes, batting the flashlight from her hand. The nurse attempted to grab his arm to pull him up but he backed away from her so fast that he slammed his head into the wall.

Buffy turned to the nurse "I don't think he wants to be touched right now. He just needs some time. While you're here, can you check out Angel? He just woke up too"

"Buffy, I'm fine" Angel said "I really think Spike needs the help more than I do"

"He's okay. Just...can we get somewhere more private? I think he just wants to sit somewhere alone –"

Spike whispered "Dark"

Buffy glanced at him, worried, then back at the nurse "Can you get a room ready? Draw all the curtains, and get him some water? Thanks"

The nurse hesitated a moment before nodding and leaving the crowded room. Buffy locked eyes with Dawn whose eyes were as wide as saucers. She turned back to Spike who had his head buried in his hands; his knees were drawn up close against his chest.

Buffy moved around to his side, using herself to shield him from the other's view. She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. His breathing slowed and he sighed, the tension in his shoulders easing slightly.

"Spike?" Buffy said gently "You know it's me, right? You know it's Buffy?"

He snorted "Duh"

A wide smile spread across her face. He was going to be alright, she was sure. He just needed a little time to adjust to it all. Surely if he could still make fun of her then he was still Spike. Still her Spike, just less dead. Or, not dead at all.

She wanted to reach over and feel his heart beating, feel his chest rise and fall as he inhaled and exhaled. Her hands began to itch at the prospect. Spike's entire body shuddered. It wasn't the time for exploring his newfound aliveness.

"Is he...is he okay?" Dawn asked concern heavy in her voice.

Buffy looked over her shoulder at her "He's fine, just a little shaken"

The nurse came back to tell them the room was ready. Buffy nodded and helped Spike up, he was reluctant to move but she guided him carefully around the sunny patches in the room. He couldn't walk very well, his legs shaky, so Buffy held most of his weight and half-carried him from the room.

The corridor was bright, flooded with light and Spike whimpered, hiding his face from the light. Buffy wrapped an arm around his waist and the nurse directed them to a room not too far away. When they entered Buffy quickly closed the door behind them. The room was dark, all the curtains pulled, and Spike instantly relaxed a little. She escorted him over to the bed and he quietly sat down on it.

She had thought about keeping him in the other room, and maybe ushering everyone else out but that wasn't fair to Angel. Besides, she doubted Spike wanted to stay another minute in that room. This was easier.

Buffy shifted from foot to foot as he looked down at the floor, silent. The fact that she had been having second thoughts about Spike and their relationship made her feel incredibly guilty, especially now he was having such a hard time with this.

"Buffy...I can't...can't see" He whispered.

Buffy frowned "You want me to turn on the light?"

"No, I mean," Spike rubbed his head, "I can't see properly. Everything's blurry"

"Really? Angel didn't mention anything about that..."

Spike looked up, frowning "Angel?"

"Yeah, he...he was in the room back there. You didn't see him? Hear him?"

He shook his head slowly "No. Funny, you think I wouldn't be able to miss a forehead that big anywhere"

Buffy shook her head, smiling. He was still joking, this was a good sign. Spike let out a loud, hocking cough, his whole body shaking. The smile fell from her face. She walked up to him and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Angel's...he's human, too?" Spike asked.

"Yeah"

"Brilliant," He doubled over, voice raspy, clutching his chest "I can't do anything unique"

"We should get you checked over by a doctor," Buffy reached over, rubbing a hand over his back in a soothing manner.

"Why?" Spike turned to her "They'll all say the same bloody thing – 'it's alive, aliiiiive!'"

"I'm serious, Spike," Buffy replied "You're having vision problems, that cough didn't sound too healthy and you reacted pretty..."

"Insanely?" Spike offered "Yeah, well, I guess I didn't see this coming. S'pose Angel took it really well, then?"

She shrugged "He...reacted differently"

"So, I suppose now you think I'm a right pansy"

Her brow furrowed "I don't think you're a...pansy. I just think that different people react in different –"

"And, so, that's what I am now? A person" He said sombrely.

"I thought you'd be happy"

"Why would you think that?"

Buffy was surprised, "Well, because..."

"Because what? Because being human is so superior? Oh, sure. Great. I get to die in fifty years time. Hip hip fucking hooray" He turned away to stare at the wall.

"You're forgetting about all the good things, what about –"

"I don't want to be a human!" Spike yelled, but it came out sounding croaky "I've been there, I've done that. Being made a vampire was the best thing that ever happened to me. It delivered me from mediocrity, made me something other than a gutless loser"

Buffy just looked at him, not knowing what to say.

He pulled himself up further on the bed; arms wrapped around himself "How did this even happen? It's not possible"

"The bomb, the one that's meant to kill anything demon, remember?"

Spike frowned "The one we were gonna use against the...the..."

"The Kraal's, yeah," Buffy nodded "You and Angel were caught up in the blast and it...it killed the demon part of you both"

He shook his head vigorously "Not possible"

"I'd say you're evidence enough to say otherwise"

"I didn't ask for this," Spike gritted his teeth "And I don't want it. All I feel is weak – I can't even fucking see clearly"

Buffy stood "I'll get a doctor"

"I don't want a doctor! I don't need a bloody doctor!" Spike stood too.

"Spike, you're still –"

"Don't! I'm fine" He pointed at her "I can stand up, I'm not a..."

His legs shook violently and then crumpled beneath him. He sank to the floor, hitting his back against the nightstand. Buffy started to go to him but he held a hand out to stop her. She watched as he curled up into the foetal position on the hospital room floor.