Please Read and Review… mainly because I'd like to hear what you think of the story. I'd also like to take a minute to thank everyone for their thoughtful reviews.
New nickname: Koibito means lover.
Nickname reminder: Koryuu means "Little Dragon."
CHAPTER 28: WAR AND PEACE
YUGI'S POV
I didn't need a telepathic connection to know that something was up. Kaiba had disappeared abruptly, with no explanation… not even a good-bye. Yami had returned to my room each night – dry-eyed, tight-lipped. For once I did not try to enter his mind. He had taken his first steps towards becoming his own person. Even if he stumbled, I was going to respect his choice and his privacy.
So I had spent the entire week pretending that I hadn't noticed anything unusual. And Yami had stayed silent the whole time. He smiled at me each night – grateful for my presence – and the absence of any difficult questions. But now that Kaiba-kun seemed to have finally decided to rejoin the human race, Yami was ready to talk. Kaiba-kun knew that Yami would tell me what had happened. He accepted our relationship by ignoring it… as if I was simply part of the price he had to pay for being with Yami.
"Can we trust him?" Yami asked me.
"Which one?" I replied.
He sighed. "I believe in Kaiba, despite all appearances. He would never betray Mokuba, at least."
I knew what was bothering him. "You must know that he'd never betray you either."
"He is the only person whose heart I can shatter, but not gauge; the only person with the power to surprise me. He is incalculable."
It was hard letting go of Yami, letting him find his own destiny, especially such an uncertain one. But Yami wanted Kaiba-kun; that hadn't changed. And I wanted Yami to be happy. Besides, over the years I'd grown to like Kaiba-kun, and to respect him. That hadn't changed either, no matter how pissed off I was over his latest screw-up.
Yami trusted in the bond that he had felt with Kaiba-kun every time they dueled. I knew Yami lived on challenges. I knew he was the King of Games; but this looked like a risky move, even for him. And several times this week, up until tonight, when Kaiba-kun had finally opened up to Yami (at least a little) I'd wondered if our old rival was going to prove me right – was going to hand Yami his second defeat.
Jounouchi doubted whether Kaiba-kun could love anyone not named Mokuba. I didn't, but I'd been nervous – not of Kaiba-kun's heart, but of his willingness to own up to its contents. But there was only so far I could blame Kaiba-kun for being the fucked-up jerk we all knew he was. (And anyone who hadn't noticed what a train wreck Kaiba-kun's life could be, hadn't been looking. Nobody gets that many people trying to kill them by accident.) Besides, Yami didn't need my anger. He needed my encouragement. He needed me to add my faith to his. I wouldn't have lied to Yami, even to make him feel better. But I was surprised to realize that I didn't have to pretend. I was surprised to find that I was honestly optimistic. Because there was one thing I was sure of… one thing I knew to be true… one thing I could tell Yami without hesitation: "No matter how big an asshole Kaiba-kun can be, whenever you've needed him, he's been there. And he's done it for you, not the rest of us, every time."
Yami continued as if I hadn't spoken. "He was the first person to truly see me – even when I was but a shadow. Why did he pretend I was once again, invisible?"
"You were never invisible to him, Yami. Kaiba-kun was the one who wanted to disappear."
"Why did he need to? Why not tell me about Seto from the beginning? Why hide from me?"
I knew the answer to that. If Yami hadn't been so hurt, he would have seen it at once, too.
"Repeat what he told you," I replied.
"That Seto had revealed a weakness… You're right aibou," he said with a smile. "Kaiba would hug that admission to himself for as long as he could. And he expected me to reject him. I could see it. I wish he knew how to trust me."
"Why do you think he let the meetings continue?" I asked. I would have expected Kaiba-kun to cut off any weakness immediately. But Yami was confident once again. "Kaiba never really had a father, did he? Maybe he's starting to care about his younger self more than he wants to. Maybe he's starting to realize he really was just a child," he observed. "And that's another thing he'd hate to admit."
"Where are you going?" I asked as he got up – although I was pretty sure I knew the answer.
"Kaiba's sitting in his room right now – convincing himself not only that I hate him – but that it's what he deserves, for whatever transgressions he imagines he's committed. I want his trust. I want him to believe in us… to believe in my love. But how can I expect that when I've never told him how I feel? It's time he knew that whatever happens – I believe in him."
"I thought you were mad at him," I said with a smile.
"I was… until I saw him."
YAMI'S POVYugi had been bullied for most of his teenage years. But he had a loving grandfather; he had Anzu; he had friends. Foolishly, I expected Kaiba, who had been abused or abandoned by everyone he met, to have Yugi's capacity for trust. He didn't. Life had taught him other, far more destructive lessons. And I realized that this is what Kaiba had been trying to tell me, when he had undressed so defiantly that first time. These were the scars he was asking me to accept. He had issued a challenge that night. I had accepted. It was time that he knew that, too.
I was through babying him. Although I didn't pretend to have fathomed Kaiba's mind, I'd seen enough to know that it was time to switch tactics. Kaiba always played better when challenged… and he was in for the duel of his life. But first, it was time to change the rules of the game.
Of course, in some ways, Kaiba is nothing if not predictable. As soon as I opened the door, he snarled: "Why are you here?"
"Why shouldn't I be here? This is where my koibito is."
I saw him flinch, as I knew he would, even as he told himself that the expression was a casual one… that it meant nothing. As he told himself he didn't deserve even a casual endearment.
"I didn't think you could stand to look at me, much less fuck me."
"I don't give up any more easily than you," I warned him. "Not when I have something worth keeping."
"Something worth keeping? Who are you lying to… me or yourself?" he asked harshly. I knew better to approach him as he paced the floor. Only his determination never to leave the field to a rival kept him in the room.
"It's time to tell me, Koryuu… what is troubling you?"
"Gozaburo was right all along," he answered tonelessly.
It had taken all his will power to grind out that one cryptic sentence. And I had no idea what it meant.
"Stop it!" I said, my voice as fierce as his so often was. "You've come too far to let Gozaburo define you now. Don't give up."
I still wasn't sure what was going on, but my words seemed to calm him, or at least to get him to stop pacing. Sometimes with Kaiba, it was enough just to give him a new battle to fight.
"Seto's going to betray Mokuba all over again," he said.
"I don't believe that," I replied. "You said that he was tempted, not that he had given in. And he won't."
"How do you know?" he asked.
"Because I know you."
Kaiba came to stand in front of me, then: his head down, his cinnamon hair shielding his eyes.
"I should have told you about Seto and Akunadin from the beginning."
"Yes."
"I let you down."
"No. Never. You came as far as you could. I should have been there to meet you. I never stopped trusting you. I should have made sure you knew that."
"Seto's used to measuring his life by his victories," he said, his voice oddly pleading. "It's all he has. And it's so hard to keep fighting, when there's nothing but yourself and your own demons left on the field. And Akunadin would have reminded Seto of Gozaburo. That would have attracted him."
My head shot up at that.
"Seto chose Gozaburo," Kaiba explained, impatiently. "Part of him lives for Gozaburo's challenges… lives to beat him… lives to prove himself to him. Didn't my game teach you anything? Not all bonds are made of light. Of course Seto would seek out Akunadin. What Akunadin was offering was so familiar… and it's all Seto knows. This game is all that's left for him. And he's learned the hard way – he can only rely on himself."
It was unclear if he was referring to Seto, himself, or both. I reached up to him then, kissed him.
"Now, just like the base of a pyramid, you have four things to rely on," I said. "Yourself, Mokuba, your dragons, and me."
"Don't make me any promises," he cautioned, hope and anger warring in his eyes.
"Do you think you're the only one who knows how to keep faith? I will always stand by you. What do you think of that?"
As usual, he didn't waste time with words. Instead, he reached over, yanked me to him, and kissed me with all his dragon's ferocity. His hand was tangled in my hair, holding me in place as he took my mouth, as if it was an enemy outpost. The tightness of his grip, the fervency of his attack, convincing me, as it always did, that I was solid… that this was real.
Once again, I was aware of my body… aware of my breath growing short… aware of my lungs expanding and still not capturing enough air… until I was forced to wrench my mouth from his, at least long enough for us to inhale, to take in a gasping breath.
I could feel his weight on top of me as we fell, as we landed on his bed, as he ripped my clothes, and sent them flying. As each piece of my body was revealed, he kissed it, attacked it with his mouth, leaving marks of his passage.
It was more than just having been apart for a week. He had given up on ever being with me again, had buried our relationship in his graveyard, only to see it called to life as though with Monster Reborn. The loss had occurred only within his own mind, but it was real, nonetheless… as real as all his other losses. If stunned amazement can be in a kiss, if a desperate disbelieving relief can be in a touch, it was in Kaiba's. (When had I begun to find desperation, enticing? Or perhaps it just looked good on Kaiba.)
He was not gentle. He needed to imprint himself on me, before he would allow himself to believe in my presence… to believe I was here… to believe I would never leave. He needed to confirm my solidity as desperately as I.
Kaiba was beyond the words that never came easily for him; he had reached a place where he could only express himself through touch and movement… revealing his need, his longing, and his hope with each kiss, with each caress. As if he could feel only when he touched me. As if feelings were as new to him, as having a body to express them with, was to me. Even as his hands penetrated every inch of my body, made me blissfully aware of its needs… my body reached just as deeply into his spirit, into that soul he refused to believe in, and held it just as close.
Kaiba was gasping now, his sweat splashing me, cooling the flesh he had warmed. He was wild to be inside of me, but took the time to make sure I had caught his fire. He kissed me until we were both breathless, until I was dizzy and glad I was already lying down. He sucked on my nipples until they were painfully, pleasurably tight, until he had left marks covering their small aureoles. He reminded me how well he knew my body… how sensitive my legs were… not just the inner thighs, but my feet, the crease behind my knees.
Kaiba was not the only one who felt reborn. For this was Kaiba's own particular brand of sorcery… when I was with him, I felt my body as if it had just been created that morning, and I was still learning its secrets, discovering its wonders.
With each harsh caress, I was reminded that skin was made to be touched, was made to heat under his hands, was made to shiver under his tongue. I was aware of the pull of my own blood; coursing through my body, drumming in my ears, throbbing in the pulse at my neck, before rushing to swell my arousal. Then finally, I was aware of nothing but that wonderful, all-encompassing ache that only Kaiba could create… that only Kaiba could cure.
I looked at Kaiba as I lay panting beneath him, ready for his possession… and I knew, beyond doubt, beyond certainty, that I had a body… a body that could be taken… a body that could be given. Kaiba looked at me, and I saw that his eyes were not merely mirrors that gave me back myself. They were windows. And beneath the wildness, behind the desire, a need for reassurance lurked in their blue depths.
"I promise." I repeated.
He opened his mouth, but only my name, "Yami," escaped, as he joined me; both claiming and claimed.
Thanks once again to Clarity for betaing this chapter, and helping to make it easier to read and understand.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Since the story mainly concerns both sets of Kaiba brothers, Yugi isn't in it as much as say, Mokuba is. But Yugi is as important to Yami as Mokuba is to Kaiba, and I think he is the one person Yami would turn to for advice or comfort – or at least turn to as far as Yami would permit himself to. But Yami is a very private person, for someone who was living inside of someone else's body, and I think he'd be a little hesitant of telling Yugi what was wrong – until it looked like it was in a fair way to being right again.
I think during the time Kaiba was hiding out, Yugi would have wanted to hunt Kaiba down and find out what the hell was going on. But I also think that Yugi would have had too much respect for Yami, and his journey towards becoming his own person to do that. I think Yugi would realize this is one battle Yami has to fight on his own
The truth is, I find Yugi very difficult to write, mainly because he's optimistic and charitable – and yet, he's not blind or naïve, or innocent in a childish sort of way. It's almost like he's chosen to see the best in people. I admire that quality, but it's difficult to write in an acceptably believable way.
Lime Note: I was trying to show this as a physical re-awakening for Yami, and an emotional one for Kaiba.
RESPONSES TO REVIEWS:
Game characters: (Desidera, laura m, Troubled Talent) I find Kaiba a contradiction in that he's fairly inexpressive verbally (well at least any time he has to express an actual emotion) but his creations are all overflowing with life. I tend to think of his inventions as being one of the ways he expresses all the things inside of him – almost like this is a format that's just oblique enough to meet his twin needs for self-expression and secrecy.
Kaiba and Seto designed the Demon King together, making him look as much like Gozaburo as possible, since he still figures in both their minds as their chief foe. Later, Kaiba changed the other characters to drive the point home to Seto that his actions could endanger Mokuba. I kind of picture him altering Yami somewhat unconsciously. He intentionally changed the hair and eye color, but then I think as he was working on the game, he kept thinking (or brooding) about losing Yami, and created a portrait of everything he felt that he had lost.
Kaiba: (AmunRa, BH, Desidera, elirian 19, J, Shino Kataki, StainofCurare, Troubled Talent, YGO EcoGoth, Yume no Zencho) That was a good point – that the bad-guys-turned-good-guys often feel responsible for everything. I think that's particularly true of Kaiba who really has done some pretty unforgivable things, and who wouldn't want to admit that any of it was out of his control. When he tells Yami that the game is pre-determined, he's saying that his character is set – in his mind Seto has proved that it's his nature to betray the people he cares for – or at least to be so rash and blind that he will endanger them without thinking. But when he promises to win the game – he's saying that even though he believes that to be his nature, he will see that Akunadin is stopped.
I'd never heard the song Defying Gravity before, but I agree – it really fits Seto, especially in the period up to Death-T.
I agree, Kaiba's very good at walking away, and no, he doesn't expect any one to come after him. But I think, even if he did come to trust Yami, he's simply not used to being cared for, or having anyone care about him, and that will affect his actions and reactions in a variety of ways.
But I have to agree with Troubled Talent, that it's a bit ironic that Yami who's pretty heavy into angsty fatalism himself, is appointed the one to talk (or shake) some sense into Kaiba.
Yami: (AmunRa, BH, Daje Elle Namte, Desidera, J, StainofCurare, Wintersslayer ) In this story, I'm trying to look a little at what it would be like to go from being a spirit, to trying to sort of trying to discover the boundaries of this whole separate existence. I was probably influenced by the DOMA arc, where you see a more vulnerable side to Yami, and also by a review I got in 'Cards', from Blue September, where she talked about how Yami was really a teenager himself. So in Déjà Vu, although he's certainly not your typical teenager, I tried to write him more as an incredibly powerful, 3,000 year old teenager. Okay, that's a bit of a joke, but I am trying to imagine him feeling his own emotions for the first time, and yet, with the basics of his character – his steadfastness, patience and elf-like (okay, maybe that's just me) characteristics intact. In that way, Kaiba, who has always seen him for who he is, and regards him with such intensity, almost helps him to believe in this separate existence – so I think the loss of that regard would be very painful, especially since these feelings are so new.
Shadi: (Dante Elle Namte, StainofCurare) In the beginning of the manga, Shadi is noticeably like the Death-T Seto Kaiba, in his coldness and the way he treats everyone around him as if they were his tools, and in his rejection of friendship, and the way he views caring for others as a weakness. I also think that after 3,000 years, there might not be a lot left to him but this overwhelming drive to fulfill his mission.
Characters: (Katie Torango, Nachzes Black-Rider, Sarcastic Bastet, Sylvia Viridian) Thanks. One of the things I love about reading stories is the way I can lose myself in them. And the characters Kazuki Takahashi created are so vibrant and alive, that I almost can't resist writing about, if not the characters themselves, at least my interpretation of them. And somewhere along the line, in the course of writing (I mean this story's been going since May, 2004) my own refractions of these guys start to become real to me, as well. So one of the things that really floors me the most, is hearing that the characters in my story are detailed and complex enough to become sort of real to someone reading the story too.
Note to Maris: It didn't fit in with the mood of this chapter, but I think some territory marking on Yami's part is definitely in order. Thanks for the suggestion.
Note to Ceribi Motou: Thanks. One thing I think Yami and Seto Kaiba have in common is that they both understand that actions have consequences, and that sometimes these consequences can be impossible to understand, predict… or stop, so that was another passage that I really wanted to get across.
Note to StainofCurare: I thought the belt buckle was funny, too. I can always see Kaiba doing totally crazy things in a very matter of fact way.
Note to E.Tphonehome, Kai, Mistal: The Poisoned One: Thanks for letting me know that you're reading and enjoying the story.