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CHAPTER 36: …THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

(With apologies to J.K. Rowling)

YAMI'S POV

I had expected to see the now-familiar monsters from the nightmare Shadi had described… the nightmare I had forced on Kaiba so long ago, in our first Shadow Game. But they were gone. I hoped my fighting by his side in Egypt had banished them.

If this was a nightmare, it seemed suspiciously benign at first. I was in some sort of a classroom, although I seemed to be the only occupant. But everything was hazy. I squinted at the math assignment in front of me; the row of numbers blurring; running together. I tried to bring them into focus… and failed. I didn't understand what was happening to me, why I felt so strange, why everything seemed to be moving so slowly.

My eyes drifted shut, my head nodded forward, and I could control neither. For the first time, my body was refusing to obey my commands. A blow across the face shocked me awake, briefly clearing my mind.

"Nothing in life is free, boy. If you want to sleep, you're going to have to earn it."

Then the voice faded again, turned into the buzzing of bees in my ears. I stared at the page again, but the numbers refused to stay in their neat columns, kept jumping around on the paper, like frogs in a pond. I lapsed once more into a trance. Although I had never experienced it before, I recognized the symptoms. I was facing a sleep deprivation so profound, that I had to strain to tell the difference between my hallucinations and my life. I realized how easy it would be… how tempting… to just disappear into the mist that seemed to swirl around me; to surrender my sanity and stay in this comforting shadow forever.

The voice was speaking again. I could hear each word. They were separate… distinct… but I could not fuse them to form a sentence… could not discern their meaning. I gave up on the voice and concentrated instead on the blows that I somehow knew would be coming… using the pain to help me focus long enough to complete the next part of my assignment, before lapsing once more into my dreamlike state.

Again the thought occurred, less comforting now… I could stay in this room forever, alternating between confusion and pain, unable to find a way out.

All I understood was that this was, somehow, my fault… that if only I'd been quicker or smarter or more determined, I would have finished my task on time… and won the sleep my body was weak enough to crave.

Sluggishly I realized that more than sleeplessness lay at the heart of this sense of disorientation. These thoughts and feelings did not belong to me, for all that they overwhelmed my mind. I knew what was happening, now... in a way, it was familiar. Once I had lived in Yugi's thoughts. His love for Anzu, his optimism, his quiet faith had sustained me, had strengthened me.

Now the memories running through me, the emotions flooding me, were Kaiba's. This was his resolve clenching my jaw, his three demons of anger, hatred, and despair racing unchecked through my blood. The shock of his alien feelings should have caused me to lose my path… should have thrown me out of his soul, as it had done to Shadi.

But I had lived in Yugi's mind, knew how to navigate its waters. Yugi had been like a nourishing, placid pool, where I had learned to swim. Kaiba was a turbulent river, as I tried to ride out its currents, to avoid getting dashed on its rocks.

I had survived 3,000 years of my own solitude; survived learning that my surrender to my own darkness had almost killed my aibou. Kaiba had helped me find myself, in the labyrinth of my own guilt. Now I would walk the path of his nightmares if I had to… if I could… to find him… to bring him home.

For Kaiba did not need me to fight his demons for him. He had the strength to fight any battle… regardless of how strange the battlefield. What he needed was someone to stop from losing himself, once again, in his endless war; he needed someone to remind him that he had more than the next battle to live for.

I let Kaiba's analytical mind focus on the row of numbers in front of me, clinging to the purity of their logic; realizing that only by breaking their code would I win even a temporary release…

I smiled in satisfaction. I had survived the first round. But my grin faded as I felt ghostly fingers caress my cheek, my throat… heard a ghostly voice whisper in my ear…

"I wonder what it would take to make you show emotion… to make you show fear… it might be interesting to find out…"

Anger… terror… guilt… a fresh wave of emotions and experiences hit me, knocking me over. I tried to retain an awareness of myself, but it was like swimming against an angry current. And all I could hear was this voice, until it drowned out Kaiba's, until it drowned out my own.

"Are you regretting that chess game yet? You will, in time… and I have all the time in the world. Did you think you won that day? Did you really think a stray dog like you could topple a man like me? That was just the opening gambit. Do you still feel like playing? Are you still so cocky? You're in a penalty game now, boy. To lose is to die… and we can worry about whose death will be the forfeit, later."

Then another voice awoke in my head, beating out a response, as one drumbeat will answer another: "Don't reveal anything… not hatred… not fear. Don't let him win. Give him nothing but a cold hard stare, nothing but a cold proud smile."

I was the King of Games (or had Kaiba had that title before me?), but games now flashed before my eyes in a bewildering succession – games of strategy, of skill. I was losing myself. There was nothing beyond this endless game of leading Gozaburo on – using myself as the bait to keep a psychopath's attention away from my brother.

I gasped as though coming up for air, felt the waters of Kaiba's memories close over my head once more. It seemed possible that I would be the one to wander in this maze of nightmares forever, as Shadi had warned. My world had shrunk to a single voice that followed me… that haunted me.

"Mokuba thinks you love him so much that you'd die without him. Is he right, I wonder? It might be amusing to find out if his death meant yours."

I was thankful when the voice vanished, even as I fell into another nightmare that seemed composed only of pain. I was on the floor, spitting up blood. With rhythmic precision, boots were hitting my side, my back, my ribs. I could feel them shatter under the barrage of kicks, my body turning, twitching, with the force of each fresh blow. I had to get away, but my body refused to move, my head refused to clear. With each breath, I could feel my lungs contract instead of expand. I felt as if there was a fire, eating its way through my insides. Dimly, I wondered if this was what dying felt like.

Suddenly, I was aware of Kaiba… or rather, I was aware that he had become aware of me. I could feel his shock ripple through my world – and his anger. I knew… he didn't want me to see him… to see this. And with that rejection, Kaiba's memories turned to quicksand, and I was sinking through them, never to resurface. My grip on my own individuality was too new. I could feel the edges of my identity start to fray, the center start to dissolve. I closed my eyes, no longer sure I could withstand the combination of the physical pain, these memories that kept assaulting me, and the knowledge Kaiba had once again turned away from me; that he wished me invisible.

Then, abruptly the pain lessened… I was aware that this savage beating was happening to someone else… to Kaiba and not to me. Once again I could sense myself… for I could sense Kaiba now…all around me, acting as my shield. For as long as his thoughts were here, with me, they were protecting me, insulating me from the harshness of his world. Although I was partly sucked into the intensity each scene – as long as Kaiba was here, as long as he was taking the brunt of each experience – I could remain myself. I could remain an observer, not a participant. I could feel still feel the pull of Kaiba's emotions, but I was aware now that they were not mine. With Kaiba's help, I could survive the rapids in his mind.

I could sense him so clearly now, as he surrounded me; finding my presence more disturbing than the storm of blows. A lifetime of hiding his true thoughts, his feelings; a lifetime of always standing alone; a lifetime of self-imposed rules was crashing around him, as he stood firm amid the wreckage. I could feel him force himself to accept my presence… force himself to control his agitation… force himself to live up to his promise.

(Had I ever said that I didn't want to be yet another promise in his young life? Now I found I didn't mind being carried so close to his heart.)

Shadi had said that anyone wishing to reach Kaiba's soul room would have to wade through his nightmares first. I was willing, even eager to do so. I had to show Kaiba that whatever happened, whatever I saw, I would stand as steadfastly as he, would be as true to my word.

With Kaiba's strength, with my renewed determination to see this through, I was back testing the waters of Kaiba's nightmares. I wasn't sure how he had survived this attack the first time, or what would happen if he didn't survive, now that he was reliving it so completely. Then I felt him smile and heard him say, "When you said you wanted to break me, old fool, I had no idea you meant it literally."

The fresh blows stopped, and I felt nothing but pure fury, even more intense than the pain. I felt Kaiba's anger that he had inadvertently said the one thing that might save his life.

I had never had Kaiba's rage. And I saw now that it was his fury that fueled his determination not to yield. It would be so easy for him… for us… to just sink below the pain, to let unconsciousness cover us, as though falling into deep water, never to surface. To let go of bitterness and despair; to embrace instead, the peace of oblivion, as dark and quiet as the bottom of the ocean… or the grave. I understood why Kaiba clung to his rage, cherished it; why he was afraid to let it go. His demons of anger and hatred might have almost killed him, but as much as his promises, they had also kept him alive.

I exhaled in relief. These nightmares could not be fought directly. They could only be defeated through being endured. And I had survived another one. With Kaiba's help I would outlast the rest. For the visions that guarded Kaiba's soul room formed a path to it as well. I could sense Kaiba ahead of me now, leaving pieces of himself as a trail marker. I would follow his lead; I would find him.

It was ironic. Once again I was a spirit in a Sennen Item. And yet I was more. Here, for the first time, I believed what Kaiba told me every time he touched me; I believed in my own existence. I had never been so aware of my own soul, as here, now, inside of Kaiba's. I had sprung to shadowy life as Yugi's guardian. Now, when I had been reduced to a mere shade once more, all I could think was that I was solid enough for Kaiba to make a promise to me. And I was human enough to be happy, even here, seeing him honor it.

Once again, the voice was back. I recognized it as Gozaburo's.

"I admit it, boy… you've shown some skill in acquiring knowledge," Gozaburo's voice rumbled in Kaiba's ear, as he stood behind his adoptive son, leaning over him; his breath raising the hairs on the back of the boy's neck. None of that showed in Kaiba's response.

"How generous of you to concede the obvious," Kaiba replied coolly.

Kaiba's head moved easily in time with the force of Gozaburo's hand across his face.

"Are we resorting to violence so early in the game?" Kaiba inquired politely. "Or is this your way of admitting I'm right?"

Kaiba grinned with satisfaction at Gozaburo's checked movement. If the larger man struck him, it would mean he was proving Kaiba's point. Yet if he didn't, he'd be doing his adoptive son's bidding.

I could feel Kaiba's glee at Gozaburo's dilemma, at having turned the tables so neatly. And I could feel his barely acknowledged pleasure at proving himself, once again, to the man towering over him.

"You think you've won a point, don't you, boy?" Gozaburo asked. "Well maybe I can afford to be generous. After all, it's not like I'd expect a stray dog like you to have any manners."

I could feel the rage Kaiba refused to show, as if the only thing he could control in this untenable situation was his own reactions.

He had learned the skill so young.

"With considerable effort, I've managed to cram some theoretical knowledge into that skull of yours," Gozaburo continued. "Let's see how good you are at the practical applications. Do you know what our business is here at Kaiba Corporation?"

"You kill people."

"Succinctly put," Gozaburo laughed. "Yes, and we're always looking for bigger and better ways to do it. Not that that needs to concern you yet. I don't expect you to design anything up to Kaiba Corporation standards for years. I just want to know if I've been wasting my time with you. God knows you're feral as a wolf pup… I want to find out if you're more intelligent than one."

"So you want to see if you've acquired a 'smart bomb'?" Kaiba asked with polite disinterest.

Gozaburo laughed, then swung around to strike Kaiba across the face, again. "It'll be interesting seeing if you're as clever as that mouth of yours. But don't kid yourself, boy. 'Smart bomb' is just a name for the Marketing Department. A bomb doesn't have to be smart. It just has to kill."

Kaiba's considering silence met his comment. It was impossible, even for me, even though I was being carried within his soul, to know what he was thinking.

After a moment Gozaburo handed his adoptive son a folder. "The specifications for your next set of projects are here," he growled.

Kaiba opened it and flipped through its contents.

"Look at you, boy… all that explosive power just itching to be unleashed on the world. Don't pretend you're not fascinated by what we do here. You want to know how to design a weapon?" Gozaburo's mouth was inches from Kaiba's ear, his voice low and seductive.

"It takes more than just the knowledge in that oh-so-bright brain of yours," he said, stroking Kaiba's hair. His hand slid down the boy's slender neck, slipped under his shirt. "You need to use everything in you," he added, his hand stopping just over Kaiba's heart.

"You take that desire you have to be the fastest – that need you have to show off, to outmaneuver everyone around you… that's the engine, the gears, the body of your plane. Then you take that urge you have to destroy, to smash everything in your way… take your rage... take the bloodlust that's always simmering here under my hand… and turn it lose on the world as a bomb."

I could feel Kaiba's heart beating in time to Gozaburo's words.

Gozaburo straightened up and walked away smiling. As he reached the door, he said, "Oh, and by the way, boy – forget about sleeping until you finish the job to my satisfaction."

Kaiba barely heard him. His eyes were glittering as he bent over the folder once more; the pencil flying across the page.

Abruptly the room disappeared. We were in the mists again. I felt Kaiba's presence… felt him hesitate, then glance back to confirm that I was still there. I could sense him searching in me for the disgust that colored his own thoughts. I could sense his surprise at its absence.

"I will not leave you… not unless you throw me out," I told him, as if he was standing next to me, as if we were talking in our bedroom late at night. I could feel his ghostly nod, could almost hear him say, "I won't. I promised," as he strode on to the next vision, the next nightmare… as he left the present and walked back into his past… on some road that only he could see.

I was back in the mansion. As if to give me the illusion of peace, I was lying in bed, with Mokuba in my arms. I had been in this nightmare world long enough to know that I didn't want to know what was coming next. But those were my feelings, not Kaiba's – and I had to be careful to control them, before their weight ejected me from his world. I had to match my mood to Kaiba's. And Mokuba was in Kaiba's arms. Kaiba was calm.

Then it happened; one moment I was aware of myself… aware of Kaiba… aware of our individuality… and in the next instant the boundaries had blurred. Kaiba's grip on the barrier that separated our minds had slipped. I shivered. His control had been so perfect, even as he had relived that savage attack, even when he had re-designed the weapons whose creation haunted him to this day.

But facing those nightmares must have taken a greater toll than I had realized… than he had shown. He should have paused to rest; should have slowed his relentless march. But that was not Kaiba's way.

Now he had no reserves left. For Kaiba was not walking through his nightmares, but giving himself to them – diving into each one, as I had plunged into his soul; submerging himself in his past until only the faintest awareness of his present, his future was left… understanding that this was the only way we could win through to the other side. It was the price of survival… for us both. But whatever Kaiba was about to face had jarred him badly enough that he had inadvertently let me deeply into his mind… so deeply that I was not observing his nightmare, but living it alongside of him, as if it was my own…

I gave Mokuba a final hug. "I have to go now, Kouma," I said softly. I got out of bed, and padded to the door. "Remember the movie I took you to? The one with the guy with the chain-saw?"

Mokuba had wanted to see it for two weeks. It had taken me that long to find a theatre that wouldn't ask questions when two underage kids showed up to see the latest splatter flick. It had taken that long to figure out how to sneak away for three hours without getting caught.

It had been worth it. Mokuba had screamed gleefully through the whole thing, as if life held nothing better than watching fake blood squirt across the screen. He was going to be the envy of his class tomorrow.

I thought the special effects sucked. Blood doesn't really stay bright red, that long. And people can't keep fighting when they've just been hacked up by a chain-saw. They always get the details wrong.

Kouma started ginning. This was his favorite way to say good night.

"Okay," I said, "Lights… camera… ACTION!"

Mokuba started screaming. He sounded just like he was being torn apart by a chain saw.

I looked at my watch. I was still pretending to be a movie director. Mokuba started undressing. After all, if you're setting a scene, you have to be perfect. I waited until seven minutes had passed. No one was going to come in until Mokuba had stopped.

"Cut!" I said. "Great! It's a wrap! I'll cast you in the sequel, too."

Mokuba grinned. "I learned to cry, too. Just like in the movies. Want to see?"

"You're the best," I said. "Yeah, but save it for our audience."

On cue, the guards entered, followed by the maids. Mokuba was in bed, sobbing quietly – the picture of ravaged innocence. In a way it was true. I had brought him into the mansion. I had made him my accomplice. I was in the process of stealing his innocence – just not in the way they thought. But that didn't make me any less guilty.

The maids had already bundled Mokuba into a bath, had stripped the sheets and taken them away to wash. Mokuba liked this part of it, too… getting cuddled by the maids… having them sing to him and tell him stories to get him to sleep. I should have been grateful that they were nice, but what I was really thankful for was their stupidity.

I would have checked the sheets. Hell, I would have checked Mokuba. At first I had made the scene look a lot more realistic, but I had learned – they wouldn't look to closely, they didn't want to know. And I guess, Mokuba's tear drenched face was evidence enough.

I smirked at the guards, and let them escort me back to my room, like a model prisoner. I had just bought myself some more time in Mokuba's company. I had just bought Mokuba some more time, period… and everything has a price.

I was back in my own mind. Kaiba had regained control. This time he did not look back.

I replayed the scene I had just witnessed. For the first time I understood what Mokuba had always known, had tried to tell me: Kaiba was never going to be capable of more than the silent, unswerving devotion we had all seen. He had learned too early and too well – that to reveal his love was to destroy it.

When I had first landed in this reality that existed only in Kaiba's soul, I had wondered why everything looked big. I had thought it was another disorienting effect of his nightmares. Then I realized, it was that I was so small… that Kaiba himself, had been so impossibly small. And yet so implacable. So unyielding.

Kaiba's heart was like a puzzle that I could fit together only to create an incomprehensible picture. He had become a participant in his own destruction rather than admit his helplessness. Kaiba had realized that a child could never hope to protect Mokuba. His solution, as usual, had been both coldly logical and wildly insane: he decided to forgo childhood, as if it could be tossed aside like the toys he would never get to play with. But there are some things that even Kaiba's fierce resolve could not order into being.

I knew that. But as he had done with Mokuba, Kaiba had made me his accomplice, as well. As much as I tried, and would continue to try to protect the child he carried unacknowledged within him, the child he had almost destroyed – I would never admit to its existence. I would never force Kaiba to concede how young he really had been… or remind him that even now, he had not left his teenage years behind him.

I lay in his bed, not sure if I was feeling his despair or my own. I was tired. The bed was soft. I could stay here in the warm darkness. And I knew, for all his endurance, for all his resolve… Kaiba had lain here, too.

I woke in darkness… if one can be said to sleep in a nightmare. I sat up, and faced… myself… as Kaiba had seen me at our first Shadow Game… dark, powerful, promising death. Hair golden as treasure dipped in blood, matching the crimson of my eyes. I smirked in appreciation. This vision of myself was… dangerously seductive. I didn't mind Kaiba seeing me this way.

Suddenly, I was once again, deeply in his mind. His thoughts and feelings replaced mine… become mine… as I became him. But this felt different… as if Kaiba had deliberately stepped aside… as if he wanted me to live this day through his eyes… to see what he saw… to feel what he felt…

I stared at the cards in my hand, seeing only one of them, focusing on the blue eyes so like my own. Everything… my life, Mokuba's, the orphanage, Gozaburo… had led up to this moment.

I had destroyed Kaiba Corporation's weapons. A gaming empire was about to arise from the ashes. But Gozaburo had predicted it accurately. I took no pleasure in playing; felt only a grim satisfaction in my victories. They made kids want to buy my products. But one loss, and everything would have been for nothing. It was another thing my adoptive father had been right about: to lose is truly to die.

And now, just when I needed him the most, my Blue Eyes White Dragon had found me, or I had found him. And he was going to drive home the lesson I had always known – even before Gozaburo had taught it to me: that winning was the only thing that mattered. He was going to prove that everything I had done, everything I had become, was worth the price. He was going to set the final seal on my victory.

I looked at the card in my hand. It held my soul – the soul I thought I had lost. It held my dreams – the dreams I had let go of. And now, they were back in my hands again; as if the heart I had destroyed could be so easily brought back to life… as if I could steal it back.

"Tell me, am I worthy of being your keeper?" I whispered, as I called my Blue Eyes White Dragon to life for the first time.

"Worthy? Don't make me laugh. Did you ever think that the Blue Eyes White Dragon was made for a stray dog like you? That a creature of light could belong to a murderer who gave himself over to the darkness so casually? You gave up any claim to the Blue Eyes White Dragon, long ago."

Suddenly I was myself again, as I heard my own voice spitting out words I had never said. Kaiba's Blue Eyes White Dragon – Kaiba's dreams – turned to smoke in my hands.

Was this the vision of me that Kaiba carried locked in his heart?

"This isn't true. This never happened. I never said that, love. I never thought that," I cried out.

But I had hated Kaiba, once. Before I had known him, before I had seen him. It had taken facing him at his worst at Death-T for me to start to realize that what I felt was not hate. It had taken holding him in my arms at DOMA… it had taken my anger at Shadi for hurting him, to teach me that what I felt was love.

I felt my grip on the thread of his nightmares slip. The dissonance between my feelings and Kaiba's memories was jarring enough to eject me from his soul room. I calmed myself, forced myself to be a passive presence in his soul. I was not going to lose this game, now. I reminded myself that this was Kaiba's reality, not mine. As I let the condemnation wash over me, I realized – I had to find Kaiba – if only to show him how wrong he was.

Reacting to my horror (and misreading it as usual), Kaiba glanced back in apprehension, steeling himself for another rejection. I could feel a sense of wonder build in him as he reassured himself I was still there. Then he flinched, pulled back, as if I had touched a wound that was so sensitive, that even a caress was too painful to bear.

Then I could feel him wiping his mind clean of all emotion, resolutely thrusting all thoughts of me aside, as if acknowledging my presence, accepting the comfort I longed to offer, would weaken and not strengthen him. He would respond to my need; he would not allow me to serve his own.

"My foolish dragon," I murmured. "You have so much to unlearn."

But his reaction was not unexpected. For all that I was Kaiba's present… we were in Kaiba's past, now. And the lessons he had absorbed here, the lessons I had heard him chant… reveal nothing, neither anger or fear… depend on no one…had him in their grip.

I tried to reach him, knowing he was beyond hearing me. It was bitterly ironic. If it had not been for Yugi, I would have pushed Kaiba off the top of Pegasus's castle, would have hurled him down to shatter on the rocks below… and now I was the one charged with pulling Kaiba back from the brink of the precipice of his mind. And I vowed that I would not let him become trapped in his past, again…

The images had become even more surreal, more dreamlike. It was as if I was someplace where the words that Kaiba struggled with had disappeared, and only images and sounds were left.

I felt myself being torn asunder… and yet I was the cause of the destruction around me.. as if my hatred and anger was a missile, exploding outward, just as Gozaburo had said. Even as pieces of myself shattered, as a monster will when faced with a more powerful opponent, I could see, in merciless detail, the devastation I was wreaking – the bloodied limbs, the shattered homes, the ruined lives, the dead bodies. I was the carrier of death, but I was not aloof from the carnage – I was one with it – it tore at me as well as my victims.

As the images dissolved in a flash of white light as though from a Blue Eyes White Dragon, I realized what I already had known: Kaiba put a piece of his soul in everything he designed: from his holographic systems to his virtual worlds… to his missile systems and bombs.

As the white flare died away, I could see the ground beneath me. I was on the burial mound of my victims. For Kaiba, here was the moment of danger. For he truly believed he deserved to die here, to simply sink beneath their weight.

But an awareness of Mokuba colored even his nightmares – he would not leave him willingly. And almost against his will, Kaiba was a survivor – he could do nothing but fight – it was his nature.

I had come here to give Kaiba a companion. Inadvertently, I had given him something he responded to more surely… someone to protect. For as long as I was with him… for as long as he could… Kaiba would forge the way ahead, absorbing as much as he could of each experience back into himself; reliving it a second time, in order to keep me safe. Even here, atop the mountain of corpses that his weapons had created, he would not submit to the retribution he felt he deserved, if doing so would doom me along with him.

I no longer had any doubt… without Kaiba's help, I would have spiraled helplessly through his memories, trapped like a ship caught in a whirlpool. Unless, beyond hope, I had managed to find an escape… unless here, within Kaiba's very heart, I had abandoned him. But Kaiba was sailing in familiar waters, knew the inlets and egresses hidden from me. I wondered how long he had lived here, to know it so well…

And although I knew, beyond doubting, that Kaiba did not consider his life worth fighting for… Kaiba would always struggle towards that 'true future' he was so desperate to reach… that future he could barely imagine for all that he wanted it so passionately… the future that we had begun to build together.

I would match his courage. For I too, needed to keep fighting. Every time I ceased struggling, even if I only paused for breath, I was dragged further into this hideous pile. This carrion mound was not fighting me, but it would not release me its prey easily. Bodiless arms locked with mine, in an obscene parody of friendship, entrails looped around my legs. Everything was slick with blood, making it harder to gain purchase. With a sudden lurch, I finally propelled myself free, to tumble down that ghastly cairn, like a child rolling down a hill, to land, winded, at the bottom, to finally lay on a flat surface.

Flat was the word. I tried to move, and couldn't. One eye was blind, the other facing the horizon, as I looked out of its corner to try and see the sky. I was frozen in profile, half in shadow, half in sunlight. My lungs constricted, although since I was still alive, I must have been still breathing. It wasn't until I saw the hands reaching for me that I understood. I was a playing card.

I felt myself, weightless, being lifted helplessly through space.

"Look at you now, Kaiba-boy," Pegasus drawled. "So fragile, so delicate, so easily destroyed. But you always knew that, didn't you? You always tried to hide that, didn't you?"

The perfectly manicured hands moved to the top of the card; came together. "It's really so tempting to just… rip."

For once Kaiba's lack of surface emotions served him, and me, well. For he was numb, and mercifully, so was I. Perhaps Pegasus sensed this. For he laid the card back on the table, picked up the card that had lain unnoticed by its side – and held it up so that Mokuba's tear filled eyes looked into mine.

"What if I destroyed this one instead, Kaiba-boy?"

Kaiba's reaction was immediate. He was dashing himself against the confines of the card. He could never break free of its boundaries, but he would never stop trying. The card was rocking on the table now, with the force of his agony, his desperation, and his guilt.

"Ahhh. That seems to have gotten a reaction. It's true, then… you love Mokuba beyond your life… your soul… your sanity – don't you? It's a terrible gift. I know…" His voice became dreamy, distant. He had forgotten to drawl.

"I loved Cynthia that deeply. Do you know what it's like to lose the person who comprises your world? To put your soul into someone else's heart, and then have it shatter, leaving you with nothing but the memory of all you've lost? I would like for someone else to know that immense helplessness. I would like to inflict that inconsolable agony on another victim. It's poetic justice of a sort – isn't it? To hurt as I've been hurt? To steal what I've been robbed of?"

Pegasus' quiet words could barely be heard through the soundless screams reverberating in my ears.

Unexpectedly, I heard my name (or rather, my aibou's name) mentioned – this time as the source of Kaiba's salvation. Mokuba's card was laid gently back on the table.

"You've won a brief and temporary reprieve, Kaiba-boy. You're the ante in my next duel. It seems Yugi won't stand for anyone hurting you, but him. And he was clever enough to include Mokuba in the deal."

As Pegasus' words faded, I could feel Kaiba search for my presence, as if finding me was the one small pleasure he would permit himself in this nightmare world. Yet he never slowed down long enough for me to catch up with him. He had constituted himself my shield… and a shield must stay slightly in front to be true to its nature. But with Kaiba, things were never that simple. For here was the trap that Kaiba had laid for himself. He had decided at an impossibly young age to be a lightning rod. Like the samurai he so resembled, he had decided to count himself among the dead; to live in that place where his life meant nothing, and only his mission mattered. But he had set himself an impossible task… for even Kaiba could not stand alone forever… but he had never learned to lean on anyone.

I was glad of the chance to gather my breath. For there could be only one memory worse than this. Even after he had pieced his heart together, Kaiba had spent years trying to rip it apart in an effort to destroy his past… in a desperate, doomed attempt to erase this moment. But to reach the heart of his soul room, he had to go through the heart of his nightmares… and we were very close now. There was only one way out of this maze.

I expected to see Death-T's arena shape itself before my eyes. But all I could see through the smoke was white and black… It resolved itself into the white of my dragons… the black of the charred ruin of my… of Kaiba's soul room, as it had been at Death-T.

I had been relegated again, to the role of an observer. For once, this was not for my protection alone. Kaiba did not want me to see him like this, and since that could no longer be avoided – he would permit me to stay, as he had promised – he did not want me to understand. Kaiba would have preferred that I condemned him in ignorance… that I judged him for his actions, alone.

And in truth, his thoughts were so chaotic… so fragmented, as he attacked his own soul room, laughing as he tried to complete it's destruction… that I could not hold on to them. It took all that I had learned from my existence within Yugi to remain, a passive onlooker, here almost at the heart of Kaiba's soul. For all my power, I was helpless. I could only watch, when I longed to intercede. For this was Kaiba's battle… this was Kaiba's defeat…

The walls, the ceiling bore the marks of his fury. I kept expecting to be buried in darkness under the rubble. But the room was held up by the outstretched wings of his three dragons. They were not stopping him, but they would not let his soul room fall, either.

Kaiba looked at them and laughed, speaking to someone, only he could see.

"You're right. Do you hear me, old man? For a genius, I'm pretty stupid. I forgot the first rule of demolition. If you want to blow something up, you have to start with the foundation."

He stopped attacking the walls in a blind fury; and worked, with a terrible, deliberate, precision to lay wires around the foundation, to attach the explosives. He began to construct the detonator: fashioning the button and control panel he had used at Death-T to sentence Mokuba to death.

"Mokuba!" he howled. "I promised to be your father. I'm keeping my promise. It's just your bad luck that Gozaburo's lessons are the only ones I can remember, now. His voice is the only one I can hear any more. You should have run when you had the chance. Even the orphanage would have been better than me. But you could never see that, could you? And now it's too late."

As he finished the control panel, his fourth dragon shimmered to life, barring his way.

"Why are you haunting me? Or are you just back to drive the knife in a little deeper? I know what I am… what I've done," he screamed at the dragon, who's head dwarfed his body.

The dragon looked back, silently.

"Why are you here now, when you were the one to convince me I was dead inside? You were the final nail in my coffin. Or have you come back to enjoy the show?"

The dragon nudged him aside, away from the detonator. He was trying to be gentle, but the impact sent Kaiba flying… to smash into the opposite wall… to land, dazed, on the floor.

"You want a fight?" Kaiba screamed, "Good! I've been dying to pay you back."

Kaiba leapt at the dragon, Ninja dagger in hand. The dragon could have killed him, with one swipe of its mighty paws. Except it couldn't. Just as in that first Shadow Game, it was torn. It was Sugoroku's dragon, no longer. Possibly we had been wrong; and it had never really belonged to anyone but Kaiba, all along.

And like the other three, this dragon was determined to protect Kaiba. But unlike its brothers, it would not stand by and let Kaiba run his self-destructive course. But nor would it defend itself if that meant harming Kaiba further. There was only one way out of this dilemma.

As Kaiba reached it, the dragon made its choice. The mighty beast stretched its neck in front of Kaiba, and took the force of his hatred and his rage. It fell to the ground with Kaiba's Ninja dagger in its neck; sacrificing itself for Kaiba, in the hope that the boy would one day realize what his dragon had done… and why.

I finally understood Death-T. I understood what had happened when Kaiba lost touch with Mokuba, lost touch with his promises. The only thing he had left to cling to was this twisted game with Gozaburo, a game he was helpless to stop, even after his adoptive father's death, even after he had won.

The dragon shattered before my eyes, covering the room in a momentary darkness. I had reached the heart of Kaiba's soul. I had reached the center of the maze.

Thanks to Clarity for editing the chapter, especially when you were so busy with real life.

Thanks to Kagemihari for bouncing ideas with me, for letting me (almost literally) chew your ear off, and for telling me to post.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: Madam Hydra wrote this wonderful story, "Moving Forward" about how Seto becomes an emancipated minor after Gozaburo's death. In it, she talks about Seto being willing to climb a mountain of corpses to protect Mokuba. I was drafting this chapter when I read it, and somehow the mountain became literal. So thanks to Madam Hydra for permission to use that image for one of Kaiba's nightmares.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Uhhhh…. actually I can't think of much to say, except that I'd really, really, like to know what people thought. Oh, I did think of something… I know a lot of people were waiting to see what's at the heart of Kaiba's soul room – but this chapter mostly concerned the journey to get there. Because can you think of anything more heavily guarded than Kaiba's heart? In a way, although less obviously threatening, the only soul room equally dangerous, and equally hard to reach is Yami's. Another thing that struck me is that this might be about the only thing that would convince Kaiba of Yami's feelings.

RSPONSES TO REVIEWS:

Yugi and Mokuba: (AmunRa, Bishonen no Miko, Desidera, Kagemihari, QueenOfGames2, Troubled Talent, StainofCurare, Wintersslayer) It was fun getting to show Mokuba and Yugi as something other than their normally sweet selves. Yugi has the hardest kind of strength to show (at least for me) because it's both quiet and unassuming. But he still gets mad, particularly on his friends behalf. As for Mokuba… I don't want to say that Mokuba's sweetness is fake, because that's not quite true, but it only last as long as nobody is threatening him or especially his Nisama. For right now, he's totally supportive of Yami… but that's only because he sees Yami as someone who is visibly helping his brother, He said it himself when he told Yami: "As long as you're on his side, I'm on yours." I think if he didn't believe that, you'd see a different side of him. But one thing that struck me is that they are both good at seeing other people's povs, and they seem the two characters (well the two male characters) most likely to work out their differences by talking.

As far as Anzu goes, yeah even at 19, Mokuba would still be too young – a detail that's totally blown by him. But since Kaiba is only 18 himself, I figured 19 must seem like an unimaginably adult age to Mokuba. And I think Yugi would be understanding and decent enough to take him seriously.

Kaiba, the Eye, and Yami: (AmunRa, Desidera, dimonyo-anghel, Kagemihari, Maris, Nachzes Black-Rider, QueenOfGames2, sevter, SoulSister) I realized when I got ready to post chapter 35 just how influence I was by the LOTR, what with a sort-of-sentient evil artifact and all. But it also seemed to fit the whole idea that the items can corrupt their users, particularly the Eye. And of course Kaiba almost immediately gets into a fight with it. (Actually, he was pretty obviously spoiling for a fight with somebody – or something – by that point.) But I was also trying to show, that given Kaiba's combative, oppositional (generally hard-ass) attitude, shoving the thing is was kind of inevitable.

I didn't really think of it until StainofCurare pointed it out, but in a way it was a bit self-centered of Yami to look at all of this as his chance to see Seto's past. But I don't know that Yami could just stand there and accept whatever happened – I don't know if that's a skill he's developed. So while Yugi's advice to just accept Seto for who he is (which I think Yami has done to a certain extent) is good advice, I don't think Yami's capable of taking right now.

Also, as (hopefully) this chapter made clear, Yami and Kaiba each had their own promises to live up to/deal with – Yami's promise to face life's battles by Kaiba's side, and Kaiba's to never treat Yami as if he was invisible. Both kind of came around to bite the guys on the ass… didn't they?

Seto and Kaiba: (AmunRa, Desidera, Troubled Talent) I think the question of whether Seto and Kaiba like each other is tied to the question of whether they like themselves. But I do think they feel comfortable talking to each other, and may be, at times the only ones who understand what each other is saying. I also think they'd be unintentionally funny, just because most of what they say probably would sound disgustingly callous or simply odd to an eavesdropper. And yes, I think Yami's a bit infatuated with the little punk as well.

Yugi-taachi: (Maris, Troubled Talent) I think Kaiba is so far outside of their experience, that Yugi's friends almost have no way to understand him, even after repeated exposure… and except for Yami and Yugi, there's no sign they really want to. Like at Duelist's Kingdom (admittedly right after Kaiba beats Yugi by threatening to kill himself) Kaiba talks about how from chess to war there is no such thing as games played for fun – everything is about struggling for survival, and everything is life or death – because the only advantage God gives you in this fight is a single, (almost meaningless) chip called 'life.' It's clear he's speaking from the heart (and possibly feels he owes them an explanation.) In fact it's amazing how passionate he is. But it's also clear that not only do the characters disagree with him (which they do) but they also don't even understand what he's saying. Ironically, after mildly bashing Honda in my Author's Notes for about a year, he's the only one (along with Ryou, who everyone automatically discounts) to say there must be more going on than meets the eye.

Particularly in the anime, they mellow out on Kaiba a bit, but there's always a real sense of tension between Kaiba and them, and it takes them much longer to have Yami's trust in Kaiba (for pretty good reasons considering their early history). For example even as late in the story as Alcatraz, Yami puts Kaiba's card in his deck without looking at it, while Jounouchi is yelling at him that it's a trap.

Note to Livinia: Yeah when I saw Fable (I haven't played it) it was after I had thought up this whole story thread, but before posting, and my initial reaction (after I closed my mouth) was something like: I can't believe someone actually invented a game like this!

Note to SSSRoaB: Yes, I read the Dark Jewels trilogy by Anne Bishop, and loved it. Although my favorite character was not Lucivar but (surprise, surprise) Daemon. Say "hi" to Xesca. I'm glad she's still following my story.

Note to X-parrot: Glad you are enjoying this one as well.

Note to Inarae and Kurosaisei: Thank you. I think I write partly because I really love these characters (even the little punk) and want to give them new stories to exist in. But I've put a lot of thought into the story, and it's nice to know that it shows.

Note to StainofCurare: Not sure how Yami and Yugi celebrated… possibly beer was involved.

Note to Ceribi Motou: Yeah I felt like yelling "the fool" along with Shadi. And Seto and Kaiba discussing Anzu's bra size was one of those things that just popped into my head, but it cracked my up too – because I could just see them doing it, regardless of their audience or the fact that Kaiba had almost been eaten by a Duel Monster earlier.

Note to Clarity: Glad you think it worked out. Sennen Items caused both of us enough trouble.

Note to BlackDragonMagician and Straightguythatreadsyaoi: Glad you're enjoying the story. Good to hear from you.