Please Read and Review. And thanks to all the people who have taken the time to let me know what you think about the story. I really appreciate it and look forward to reading your comments.
CHAPTER 37: DRAGONHEART
YAMI'S POV
I opened my eyes to see Kaiba, surrounded by cold stone… standing behind bars, as he must have stood in Pegasus's dungeon. He looked as unflappable as ever. I studied his stone and iron cell, unsure if this place was his prison… or his sanctuary… or both. Had he actually been reckless enough to build an impenetrable wall around his heart, and blind enough to leave no door? Or was this a final test of my faith, was this, as was so much else about Kaiba, a challenge and a deception to snare the unperceptive?
As I looked on Kaiba I thought, not of the boy I had followed all the way to Death-T, but of the man who had returned; the man who had strode through the horrors of his past with such sure-footedness. Such a man would not be easily trapped, nor long contained… even by himself.
I smiled. It was time to test the solidity of Kaiba's prison. It was time to reveal the hidden door. I took a step forward. The bars melted at my approach.
"Enjoy the view?" he asked sarcastically, as though the answer didn't matter. But he held himself at attention, awaiting my judgment.
"There is no part of you that I don't love," I said fiercely, the first time I had mentioned the word. I pulled him into my arms. I had come so close to losing him, and I kissed him with the force of my phantom grief.
"How did you survive?" I murmured.
"Survive what? They're my nightmares, after all. Besides, I know exactly who and what I am."
"No. I think you have no idea." I answered, the words blurring against his neck.
"Wow. My nightmares seemed to have turned you on," he smirked.
But it wasn't his nightmares. It was this man, with his cunning mind, and the strength to use whatever life sent his way. This man, for whom devotion was as natural as breathing. Although his tone was taunting, he wasn't resisting. His shirt was off, he was shivering from my touch. This was probably the closest he'd come to admitting that he was glad I'd come to find him.
But I had misjudged him once again. Kaiba took my face in his hands, bent his lips to mine, and said into my mouth, "You came… for me."
I was silent; letting Kaiba's own words sink in to his heart, giving Kaiba the time he needed to hear them.
"I could feel you following," he added. "I tried to clear a path for you."
"I know. I might not have survived, otherwise," I told him.
"You turned yourself into a spirit once again… for me. Do you think I don't know what that cost?" Kaiba answered fiercely. "How could I refuse to see you? I told you once, you have always been real to me, and I will never pretend otherwise again."
Kaiba kissed me then, as if he could only believe I was really there when our lips were touching.
"It would have been so easy…" he continued, speaking more to himself than to me, "to simply become one more corpse on that burial mound… scarcely noticed or missed."
"I would never have stopped looking for you," I said.
"I know. But even though I could feel you every step of the way, I didn't really believe that you'd stay."
Abruptly he released me. "Why are you still here? Why are you embracing me? Letting me kiss you? You know everything now. You know why I did it."
With Kaiba, there was only one event that needed no name.
"Yes."
"He was the only thing that kept me human. And I didn't want to be human anymore. He was the only thing that kept me alive. And I was so tired. I didn't want to feel… I didn't want to be… but he kept me tied… to this world… to him. And I almost killed him for it."
"You didn't," I said, kissing him. "It's over, now."
"After what I just said, how can you still want me?" he asked angrily.
"Because I understand. Because you gave everything to try and protect him. In the end, you lost yourself… you almost lost him. Ryuujin… don't you know? Anyone can be broken. It's a rare person who can fit together the pieces of a shattered heart."
He started to speak, to argue. I put my finger to his lips, felt them tremble.
"I know you haven't finished the task before you; I know that you may never finish. But you've never faltered. You've met every challenge along the way – and you always will."
"You know what's the worst part?" he asked.
I was speechless. It seemed there were too many to chose just one.
"I keep thinking what I could have done differently – and I can't come up with anything. Each time I picked the only possible solution that guaranteed Mokuba's safety. And it led to my almost killing him. And yet… he's alive. He's even happy. So I can't even say I wish it had been different." He hit the prison wall. "What's the good of reliving all this shit, if you wouldn't change any of it?"
What could I say? That he should have loved Mokuba a little less, and himself a little more? They both might have been better off if he had. But I could not ask him to stop being Kaiba. And it was my Koryuu… no, my Ryuujin… with his insane loyalty, his reckless devotion – and the inability to moderate either… it was Kaiba, with all his self-destructiveness and his inner demons, that I loved. So I said the only thing I could, knowing better than to offer him a lie: "It's not about changing the past – but accepting it… living with it."
I couldn't resist his slightly parted lips. Left them only to move down his neck. To finally reach his chest with its stray cuts and burns, with the thin scar that curled like a garden snake at the bottom of his ribs. My lips were gentle on the harsher, longer scar that ran up and down his side. "I didn't find this along the way," I said.
"I guess it wasn't really a nightmare. It was more like a lesson… or a message."
"What happened?"
"It was weapons practice with the long sword. It would have been fun. Except I had a practice blade, and my opponents always had real ones."
That explained the random nicks decorating his body.
"One day, Gozaburo switched them, gave me a true blade. I thought he had finally made a mistake," Kaiba shrugged. "He just wanted to see what I would do."
"What did you do?"
"I cut my opponent – just over the heart. So he'd know I could have taken his life, if I'd wanted it. Then I tried for Gozaburo. I wasn't going to waste time on the decoy when my true enemy was on the field."
"What happened?"
"I didn't reach him, of course. Gozaburo gave my sword to my opponent. He said he wanted to teach me a lesson about the dangers of showing mercy."
"Did you learn it?"
"Who knows? I wasn't particularly merciful before. And he never let me get near a real sword again. You know what was odd…" he said, suddenly switching topics, "Gozaburo could have beaten me so easily. But he never bugged Mokuba's room. So he never knew how I really felt. I checked after he died. I guess he trusted to my depravity, to the darkness he could feel growing inside of me," Kaiba laughed softly. "Gozaburo should have known better than to trust anything about me."
His voice was dreamy, almost nostalgic. I realized that for once, for possibly the only time since I had met him, he needed to talk. I thought of his smile as he had fallen into my arms at DOMA, and realized that dying had not been among his nightmares. I looked at the gold eye glinting under his bangs.
"I hope Shadi's right," he said half to himself.
I looked at him, puzzled.
He shrugged, as he often did, as if to deny meaning to what he was about to say. "When this is over, I'd like to be able to fly again."
Gods.
He had known that he was giving up another piece of his soul… and he had hidden it from us. Even Mokuba hadn't guessed. I could only gauge the depth of his loss by the fact he had mentioned it at all.
"Ryuujin," I whispered. But he was already starting to minimize what he had said.
"It doesn't…"
"No." I stopped him by putting a finger to his lips. "You don't have to pretend. Not with me. Not on the day I've walked the path of your life."
He took my finger from his lips, leaned forward and kissed me slowly… as if my words or my touch had released some secret spring of gentleness in him. He explored my mouth, as if truly tasting it for the first time, leaving only to play with my neck and ear.
He looked at me, as if suddenly seeing my presence… here… for the first time.
"Yami," he said hesitantly, almost shyly, "Why are you here?"
"Because this is where you are. Because I love you. Because when I shattered your heart, its shards pierced mine in return."
Circumstances had forced Kaiba to let me into his heart as thoroughly, as intimately as possible. I needed him to know that he was just as deeply engraved within mine.
I gently pushed him until he was lying on the floor, looking at me, eyes wide. "Koryuu, let me love you."
At my words his eyes snapped shut. He shuddered and opened them, blue fire blazing into mine, as if we were dueling, as if he was facing my challenge.
"Tomorrow, I'll probably be back to my usual asshole self. Tonight…" his eyes softened. He looked a little lost, a little vulnerable. "Tonight, I would like to be loved."
Kaiba knew as well as I, that he would never be this open, this defenseless again. The moment we left his soul room and returned to the world outside, his walls would start to rebuild themselves, at least partway. But even though this moment would slide through his fingers, I wanted my dragon to have this memory.
I kissed him softly, as if my gentleness could make up for the harshness of his life. Took his nipples, teased them, traced the outline of each rib. I think he had forgotten we were still on the dungeon's cold, stone floor – or maybe he didn't care. "Do you think you could find us someplace more comfortable?" I asked.
I laughed. We were now on the floor of the room where he practiced martial arts. I could see his weapons hanging on the far wall: the Bo Staves, the shorter Hambos, the Dai-katanas. My smile widened. The Shinobigatanas, the shorter Ninja swords were missing. The weapons of the peasant he had been, of the warrior he had become, were all in place. But Kaiba had expunged the assassin's weapon from his very soul. I would never underestimate my dragon again. I grinned from more than the pleasure of his caresses, from more than the joy at his response to my hands, to my tongue. At least we weren't in a computer lab, I thought. Kaiba was a practical man. He had chosen a room with a padded floor.
KAIBA'S POVHe had walked the path of my life, had seen its fires – but he would never be consumed by the rage that fueled me. And I would never quite believe in the world he inhabited. The world Yugi created for him – where forgiveness was freely offered, and mistakes could be learned from instead of paid for.
And yet… we had come together.
Even in the beginning, even at Death-T, he had always focused on some small unstained shard of my soul, and ignored the dung heap in which it was embedded. He was doing that now. He was looking at me as if I was as precious as Mokuba.
Was this what it was like to be loved?
I could feel his lips wash over the scar at my side, as if his kiss could mend it. I could feel his tongue gently trace each once-broken rib, as if resealing the bones.
Was this what it was like to be loved?
His barely breathed 'Kaiba' drew my moans as easily as his hands or mouth. His breath was tickling my ear, my neck, as he left the imprint of my name on my body.
Was this what it was like to be loved?
He undressed me as if unwrapping a present. He peeled his own clothes off as if giving me the gift I had not been able to ask for.
Was this what it was like to be loved?
He flowed over me as the tide quenches the burning sand, filling me as the surf reaches so deeply beneath the shoreline, only to bubble up through its pores. I met him as the land meets the sea, and in so meeting, defines it. Each seeming so separate, seeming to pull against each other as strongly, as passionately, as they are drawn together, again and again, until they have melded, until the surf carries within its heart a grain of sand. Each needing the other for completion. Each shaping the other into being. In all the ways that mattered, like the elements I never believed in, we were well matched.
Was this what it was like to love?
I wanted to be the rain that caressed his body with invisible fingers. I wanted to be the wind that whispered in his ears until it drowned out all other sounds. I wanted to be the air that he forced out with each sharp exhale, only to recapture with each shuddering breath. I wanted to be the fire that heated his blood. I wanted to flow through him… to sustain him… to complete his joy.
Was this what it was like to be in love?
Thanks to Clarity for editing this chapter.
Thanks to Amarin Rose for her suggestion of "Dragonheart" as a title. I don't think it matches the movie very well, but considering the scene takes place in Kaiba's soul room, can you think of a more appropriate name?
AUTHOR'S NOTES: there were a lot of different theories on what would be in Kaiba's soul room, a basilisk as in Harry Potter (I brought that one on myself calling the chapter the Chamber of Secrets), worse nightmares, shattered mirrors… I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to that question, but I saw his soul room being more peaceful, and wanted the sense that the storm had passed.
It's sometimes obscured by his flaws, his mistakes and his loses to Yugi/Yami, but Kaiba's a strong person who's accomplished a lot in a very short period of time. And he has a simplicity I admire – he strives to reach his goals with everything in him. I think that kind of inner strength would have to spring from a place he managed to keep apart form the chaos of his life. I thought of his soul room mainly because I tend to see Kaiba as first and foremost a warrior, so the dojo tended to illustrate that. But I also wanted a practice or training room, because Kaiba is always struggling to reach his fullest potential as a human being and I also wanted the room to reflect that. It's funny I saw it very clearly as starting out as a prison/sanctuary, but wasn't clear why, until Clarity pointed out that this could represent the pre and post Death-T parts of his life – that in his past he had to sort of build up a wall around himself, then at Death-T that shattered leaving his soul room to reveal his true self.
Chapter 36 Note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Now that's it's safely past, I can admit this was the chapter I stressed over the most. Earlier in the story, Kaiba talks about how he sacrificed pieces of himself until there was nothing left. I think that's what Kaiba literally did – it's why both versions keep repeating that everything has a price – but I think each time, he chose the most personally destructive option – telling himself he could handle the fallout – and never seeing that the sum total would be more than he could pay. Anyway, I was trying to show the disintegration of his soul and drag the reader along with me.
RESPONSES TO REVIEWS
Yami POV: (BH, Bishonen no Miko, Livinia, Nachzes Black-Rider) I wanted Yami to be sort of a stand-in for the reader – that is I was hoping that people would feel that they were standing in Yami's place watching all of this. Also I thought Kaiba would be too caught up in his battles and his past to really process what was going on, so in that way, Yami would be a much better guide to what was going on in Kaiba's mind. And I wanted to have Yami see that first Shadow Game – to really understand what was going through Kaiba's mind, and why it had the effect it did, and to see how Kaiba sees him as both seductive and condemning.
Kaiba protecting Yami: (Darleneartist, Desidera, QueenOfGames2, StainofCurare, Wintersslayer) I wanted to show how their two promises wrapped around each other and kept each other safe (as well as biting them on the ass, as I said earlier.) And I didn't want Yami to have to save Kaiba, because I think what he's done through the series is give Kaiba the tools to save himself and others. And I also think Kaiba is better at protecting others than himself., and at that point his choices were to either let Yami in enough to protect him, or break his promise to Yami.
Pegasus: (Maris, StainofCurare) The one thing that struck me in the manga was the sense that Pegasus had had something happen to him (Cynthia's death) that he just couldn't handle, and he broke under the strain, caring for nothing else but his loss. The reason he tries to take control of KC is so that he can combine the Millennium Items with KC holograms to create the ultimate virtual reincarnation of his wife. So I think he would both recognize that same intensity of passion in Kaiba and delight in tormenting him with his own helplessness. And since this was the second time he was trapped in a card (the first being after his first Shadow Game with Yugi, I thought it would be even worst if this time, he was aware of what was happening. And I remember that discussion thread too – it was funny I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to suggest the whole Kaiba-knew-he-was-in-a-card scenario because I wanted it to be a surprise. I often find it easier to express what I'm thinking in a story than in a discussion, so I didn't know how to describe it without showing it, anyway.
Fourth Dragon: (Daje Elle Namte, Desidera, Livinia, StainofCurare, Wintersslayer) When Kaiba destroys the fourth BEWD, he tells it that it'll never get a chance to betray him again. I've always thought that this dragon was just as much a part of Kaiba as the others – that maybe it represented the part of him that was damaged by his relatives abandoning him, the orphanage and his years with Gozaburo, and his destroying it was kind of in tune with the way he destroyed pieces of his own heart. But I also think that when he took the card back, in his own mind, he was taking back something that was a part of him – I think that card would have called to him as irresistibly as the other three.
Nightmares: (BH, Desidera, Maris) Each nightmare scene was not just a flashback of a horrible moment, but also sort of a road-marker to Kaiba's own disintegration. That's partly why the only three voices you hear are Yami's, Mokuba's and Gozaburo's – because as Maris pointed out, those are the only three who really have gotten under Kaiba's skin – somewhat ironically two of the three voices are characters that have been a positive influence on Kaiba (I'm not sure what to make of that…) The order was a little tricky, since the nightmares weren't in chronological order, but sort of increasing in intensity of damage – which is why they led up to Death-T.
Kaiba and Mokuba: (Daje Elle Namte, Desidera. StainofCurare) So much of Kaiba's life has been spent playing these kind of deadly serious games, so I wanted to show how all his impulses, even the ones to protect Mokuba had become twisted in his own mind, until there really was no safe place for him any more. And yes, ironically he ended up creating a game that Mokuba enjoyed – because he was too young to understand what was going on or what the stakes were. Also, even when they are older it's noticeable how much of what he's feeling and thinking Kaiba hides from Mokuba – so I tried to imagine a way in which that could have evolved.
Note to Clarity: Thanks for all your help!
Note to Daje Elle Namte: Deliberate sleep deprivation is actually considered a form of torture. In the anime you repeatedly see Seto being denied the chance to sleep. I thought that was pretty horrible, so I wanted to show it's effects. In the manga, when Seto's putting the puzzle back together, he actually looks pretty happy. He's kind of sitting in the dark – it's clear it's peaceful. I've always thought that part of the reason he stayed in the coma so long was that he didn't really want to leave. Part of the reason I see him with Yami – is I have an idea he's looking for the peaceful darkness he experienced there and finds it in Yami.
Note to Desidera: Thanks. I was looking for an image that would connect all these separate nightmares, and (possibly because Seto can mean whirlpools and Kaiba means seahorse) came up with the image of a river – something fast, with an element of danger to it.
Note to Elle King and kamokat: Thanks. I'm glad you are enjoying the story and looking forward to updates. I really appreciate hearing that.
Note to Ceribi Motou: Thanks. I tried to have all the nightmares lead up to the ending so I'm glad that it made an impact. My favorite part was probably the scene with Pegasus, because I liked the idea that he was torturing Kaiba because he wanted to create another person who was feeling the same pain he was. Probably my favorite exchange though was the one with Gozaburo where he asks: do you know what we do here at KC / You kill people / Yes and we're always looking for bigger and better ways to do it. Uhhh, not sure why that's my favorite, maybe for it's matter of fact acceptance of mass murder.