Sorry it took so long to get up. I just got to London, and have not had a second to spare since I got here. But, here it is, and I hope you enjoy and I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can. Review please!

Disclaimer: Not mine.

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbyes,

I nearly do- Snow Patrol

Sandy was scared. He wouldn't admit it to his wife, and he wouldn't admit it to either one of his sons, but he was terrified. Terrified of losing her. Terrified of having to figure out a way to survive without her. After her first surgery, they made a date for the second surgery and then they would start chemo almost immediately after. He would sleep next to her at night, and wake up in a cold sweat and have to wrap his arms around her. Have to remind himself that it was okay, that for now she was there, beside him, close enough to touch and hold. She would cry at night too, he would pretend to be asleep as she snuck out of bed and into the bathroom and he could hear her sobs. She would cry until she had nothing left to cry and then she would get up and come back to bed. Then it was her turn to pull him close to her and listen to his heart beat against hers.

The boys kept their fears to themselves. If they were telling each other, Sandy wasn't sure, but they weren't saying anything to him, and especially nothing to Kirsten. They practically tiptoed around her, handled her as if she would break, and she was getting sick of that too.

The second surgery came by quickly, and Sandy stood by Kirsten's bed holding her hand talking quietly before hand.

"The boys and I are going to be waiting right out there," he whispered as he leaned down to give her a kiss. "We'll be right there when you get out." She nodded, and accepted his kiss, echoed his soft "I love you." She watched as he left the room to go wait with their sons, and took a deep breath.

Sandy found both boys sitting quietly in the waiting room, Ryan facing towards the door, Seth facing towards the windows.

"Hey," Sandy said taking a seat between them. Ryan turned to him, but Seth continued to stare out the window.

"She said to tell you that she loves you," Sandy said softly.

"She's not going to be okay, is she Dad?" Seth whispered.

"What? No! She's going to be fine," Ryan argued. "She's going to be fine. She's strong, and she can survive this." Sandy didn't say anything. "Sandy, tell him that Kirsten is going to be okay."

"Seth, your mother is strong, if anyone can beat this, it's her," Sandy replied. This was obviously not the answer that either Ryan or Seth was looking for.

"I've done some research," Seth said. "It's hard to beat. It's like the worst cancer to get. And I know that she's younger than most of the women who get it, but still…she's…God, it's the worst one."

"I know Seth," Sandy said wrapping an arm around his son. "But we have to keep optimistic. For her too, she needs to be optimistic if she's going to get past this."

"I can't believe you, Seth!" Ryan exclaimed standing up. "She's going to be fine, because she has to be fine. Because there's nothing else that could possibly happen except for her to be fine." Sandy wasn't sure if Ryan wanted him to follow behind, or to leave him alone for a little while. Deciding that if Kirsten was here with him she would insist that he go after Ryan, Sandy gave Seth's knee a squeeze, climbed slowly to his feet, gave Seth instructions to find him if anything happened, and walked in the same direction that Ryan had. Sandy figured he'd give him a few minutes head start at the very least.

He found Ryan on the bench just outside the automatic doors of the hospital, his head in his hands, and Sandy didn't say a word as he sat down next to him.

"She has to be okay," Ryan repeated vehemently.

"Believe me kid, I know, oh God, do I know," Sandy replied. Neither said anything for a little while, before Ryan finally took a shuddering breath and shook his head.

"But there is…" Ryan took a deep breath. "I mean, there is the possibility that she won't be right?" He looked over at Sandy for the first time since he had sat down next to him, and Sandy grabbed his hand and nodded slowly.

"Yes, there is that possibility." Ryan nodded and turned away again.

"What will we do?" He asked Sandy, who didn't have any answer at all for him this time.

After Kirsten's first chemotherapy session, she was exhausted. Sandy drove her home, and tucked her into bed, and she just slept. She didn't have any other side effect except sheer exhaustion, and the next morning she woke up and was fine. She even drove the boys to school, and met Julie for some lunch. They hadn't told anyone yet, no one but family knew that Kirsten was sick. Kirsten hadn't even told Hailey yet, Hailey being the one person that Kirsten was most scared to tell.

Sandy convinced her that she had to tell Hailey soon, that if they waited any longer, Hailey would just become more upset that she hadn't been one of the firsts to know. The day after her first chemo session, Kirsten summoned all of her courage and picked up the phone to dial her little sister.

"Kiks?" Hailey said answering on the second ring.

"Hey Hail," Kirsten took a deep breath. "I have some news."

"Good, Julie Cooper's head exploded kind of news? Or bad, we have another little sister, kind of news?" Hailey asked.

"Do you have a minute? Are you sitting down?" Kirsten asked, ignoring Hailey's question.

"Oh God, Kiks, you're scaring me. What's wrong?" Hailey's voice went from the kidding tone that she normally used with Kirsten, to a more serious one.

"I've been diagnosed with ovarian cancer," Kirsten said softly. Hailey's end was silent.

"I'm coming," Hailey said suddenly.

"Hailey, you have a job there, you can't just…"

"I'm coming," Hailey said again, interrupting her. "I'm coming. As soon as I can get a plane, I'm coming." Kirsten heard the dial tone and sighed as she hung up. Sandy came into their bedroom, where she had been making the call, and sat down next to her and took her hand in his.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"She's coming. She heard ovarian cancer, and she's coming," Kirsten reported.

"I told Seth that he could tell Summer if he wanted," Sandy said. "So we better tell Julie."

"Will you be there with me?" Kirsten leaned her head onto Sandy's shoulder, and he gave her temple a kiss.

"Of course," Sandy said. He was taking time off of work to be with her. She had argued against this, but he had won. He wanted to be with her as much as he possibly could.

Kirsten called Julie over for dinner that night, simply telling her that she had some news that she needed to tell her. The boys made themselves scarce, and Sandy held Kirsten's hand as she sat down with Julie and told her that she had ovarian cancer, and that she had started chemotherapy, and Julie's face turned pale, and she grabbed her purse and ran from the Cohen house.

"That didn't go so well," Kirsten said sighing.

"It went about as well as to be expected," Sandy reminded her.

"Do you think that she's okay?" Kirsten asked. "Or should we go try to find her?"

"She needs time," Sandy said gently, running a finger over her wedding ring. "It's a lot to digest."

There was a knock on the door, and Kirsten stood to answer it. Julie was on the other side, and as soon as Kirsten pulled the door open, Julie threw her arms around her and pulled her in tightly for a hug.

"God, Kirsten," she said. "You're my best friend. Whatever you need…just let me know, okay?"

"Thanks Julie," Kirsten said giving her a grateful smile.

Ryan found Kirsten throwing up in the downstairs bathroom one day when he walked in from school. Sandy had run to the store for something, and Seth was out with Summer, and he was the only one home. It was the first time that she had really had any side effects and he dropped his bags and ran into the bathroom to hold back her hair.

"Oh God," she moaned leaning back against the wall. Ryan quickly wet the washcloth and handed it to her. She accepted it with a small smile and wiped off her face.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked.

"That was not fun," Kirsten replied.

"We should get you into bed," Ryan said helping her to her feet.

"I was just on the way to the kitchen to get some orange juice, and all of a sudden…" Kirsten gestured with her hand to the bathroom.

"I'll get you the orange juice, if you still want it?" Kirsten shook her head and they finished their walk up the stairs.

When Sandy walked in the door twenty minutes later, he found a worried and pensive Ryan sitting in the kitchen.

"Hey, how was school?" Sandy asked placing the groceries on the counter.

"She was throwing up today;" Ryan said.

"What?"

"When I got home, she was throwing up in the bathroom. It was terrifying. She couldn't catch her breath," Ryan replied.

"Is she okay?" Sandy asked. He had only been gone for a little over an hour. She had insisted that she would be fine while he was gone and that she wasn't an invalid.

"She's sleeping now," Ryan said. "I just wish…I just wish that I could do something for her…" He shook his head and climbed to his feet. "I'll be in the pool house." He grabbed his snack and left, and Sandy was left wondering how they would ever survive losing her.

The morning that she woke up and found blonde hairs all over her pillow was the morning that it truly hit her, and she sobbed for about an hour. Sandy cried too, but after she had gotten herself back together and gotten in the shower. Then it was his turn to sit on the bed holding the pillow in his hands and sobbing into it.

Seth offered to shave his head, and Ryan echoed the offer, and Kirsten smiled and told them that she appreciated the offer, but she loved their hair. She ran a hand through Seth's curls to prove her point.

They would sit at night, after her chemo sessions, and watch television, and Sandy would run his fingers through her hair, and chunks would come out in his hands and he would nearly double over in pain and grief. He loved her hair, and he knew that she loved her hair, and it was killing her to lose it.

As vain as it made her, Kirsten didn't care; she would stand in front of the mirror and mourn the loss of her hair. She finally told Sandy that it was enough, and she asked him to grab a razor and they stood in the bathroom and she wept silently as Sandy shaved her hair. Julie came in with a stack of blonde wigs for Kirsten to try on, and she herself entertained them by modeling the wigs.

"Obviously," Julie said pulling off the wig. "You're the blonde. I better stick to being a red head." She paused and looked down at the wig. "Although I might borrow it from time to time. See if being a blonde really is more fun."

Ryan's favorite thing was to bring her home new hats. He found a great little store that carried all kinds of hats. He bought her normal ones, and he bought her crazy ones, and it was the crazy ones that she loved. Trying them on and asking if they thought she could wear it to a Newpsie function. Her favorite one actually had a bird's nest on it, bird and all. He loved seeing her face light up when he brought a new one home.

Summer was trying to convince her to try alternate healing methods, telling her all about things that were all the rage in Los Angeles. Seth was spending more time at home, so that he could be with his mother, and Summer understood, and sometimes instead of going out, they would stay in and watch a movie with Kirsten and Sandy. On the nights that Kirsten was too sick to get out of bed, they would sometimes just come into their bedroom and play a board game. Kirsten would lie on the bed and listen to their banter and close her eyes and wish away the pain and nausea.

Sandy hated to see her in this much pain. She had no appetite and was fast becoming skin and bones. It broke his heart when she woke up at night with sharp pains in her stomach and she would clutch the sheets and wait for the pain to pass. Chemo was hard on her, and she spent most afternoons in the bathroom with her head in the toilet. On good days they would sometimes go down to the beach, and on bad days, Sandy would wipe the sweat off of her forehead as she scrunched her face in pain and then would sit with her as she tried to get a little bit of sleep.

He didn't know how much more she had in her. He didn't know how much more they could take, but he didn't know how they would be able to make it without her.

At night, when she wasn't in too much pain, or too exhausted, she would make him listen to her while she told him what he would do if the worst was to happen.

"You will be happy, Sandy, do you understand me? If you meet someone, you should try to be happy," she would demand. "And you should make sure that the boys are okay. You make sure that you tell our grandchildren about me."

"Please," he would beg. "Please don't talk like that."

"No, Sandy, it's important to me," Kirsten said vehemently. "I don't want you to miss out on the rest of your life."

"Kirsten…how could there be…" He paused and shook his head. "How could there be anyone else? How could I love someone like I love you?"

"I'm not asking you to love someone else like you love me," Kirsten replied softly. "I'm asking you to try to find someone who makes you laugh, who makes you feel less alone. I don't want you to be one of those people who never laughs, who never smiles, who other people see and think, 'God, what happened to him?' I don't want you to be just a shell of the person that you used to be. I don't want the boys to lose both their parents." And Sandy promised. He held her hand, and he promised to try to be happy, he promised to try to move on if she died. He promised to take care of the boys, and make sure that they were happy too.

And with each promise, his heart broke a little more.