Please Read and Review: I've always felt (there's a poem that says this) that until it's been read, a story is just ink on a page, so I'd like to know what you think.
ICARUS NOTE: Icarus is a character from Greek mythology. He and his father, Daedalus, were kept prisoner by the King of Crete. Daedalus built them wings of wax and feathers so they could fly away from the Island of Crete, warning his son not to fly to close to the sun. Icarus (of course) didn't listen. The sun melted the wax and he crashed back to Earth, where he drowned in the ocean.
NICKNAME NOTE: Oniichan is used by Mokuba to refer to the 13 year old Seto Kaiba.
CHAPTER 39: THE IDIOT
YAMI'S POV
As I entered our bedroom, the first thing I saw was Kaiba lying across the bed, motionless. His eyes were open, but unseeing. The pyramid pattern on the golden one was facing inward, once again. I froze, preparing to go after him, then realized I couldn't – not without Shadi's Key – and he was nowhere to be seen. I hesitated. Unlike the last time when I could sense his turmoil, Kaiba seemed calm. Whatever was going on, it wasn't hurting or frightening him, and there was no sense of danger.
But it was hard watching him lying so silently; with all signs of energy… of life… of everything that made him Kaiba… gone. As I stood there, staring down at Kaiba, my thoughts flew to his brother. Mokuba had been eleven at Death-T. And he had sat by his Nisama's side for months afterwards, refusing to give up hope. I realized that my Ryuujin was not the only Kaiba built to endure.
But I didn't have Mokuba's patience. Just as I thought I couldn't stand another minute of helpless waiting, Kaiba blinked and a weary blue eye looked into mine.
"Just what the hell did you think you were doing?" I asked angrily.
"Practicing."
I could only stare at him. He apparently thought he was being reasonable, because he went on to say, pointing to the golden eye whose pattern was now facing outward again, "This is a weapon that I need to learn to wield before we meet Akunadin. And we don't have much time."
"So you were using it on yourself?" I asked incredulously.
"Who else? Would you prefer I turned it on Yugi, instead?" He smiled grimly when I didn't answer. "I don't know why you're so upset."
"I came in here to find your lifeless body – and you don't know why I'm upset?" I yelled. "How dare you risk yourself this way?"
"You don't have to worry," he said.
Gods. Now he was going to try to comfort me. I knew from bitter experience that his attempt at reassurance would either leave me shaken and afraid of whatever lunatic action he was going to try next – or angry at his unconscious assumption that whatever was bothering me couldn't possibly be a concern for his safety or welfare. So I should have been prepared for the words that left his mouth.
"Don't worry," he repeated. "I've been keeping a record of what I've learned on my laptop. If anything happens to me, Mokuba will know how to retrieve the data. And you'll still have Seto. He can try his luck with the Eye, next."
"Don't you dare to pretend I am concerned with Akunadin, or our mission, or anything but you," I warned.
Kaiba hesitated at that, but looked me straight on as he repeated, "If anything happens to me, you'll still have Seto. In a couple of years he could probably pick up where I left off with you too, so you wouldn't really be losing anything."
It took a moment for the enormity of what he was saying to register. A moment longer for shock to turn into rage. I was more furious than I could ever remember being – in either lifetime.
"You bastard!" I thundered, "To speak so casually of your death, and then to offer Seto to me as though I would neither notice or care. How dare you act as though we mean nothing to each other? How dare you value us so cheaply? You will not rebuild these walls, Kaiba. Not here. Not now."
"I wasn't," he said, looking at me in confusion. But for once, I was the one beyond hearing. Without thought, I raised my hand, fingers curling automatically into a fist. I was tempted to strike the words from his mouth. Except… he had received far too many blows already – that was the problem. Except… as he looked at me in concern, ready to accept anything from me, even violence – I realized that while Kaiba knew I was angry, he didn't understand why.
My fury fled abruptly, leaving a profound sadness in its wake.
He was still lying on our bed, looking up at me. I straddled him. My hand fell limply to cup his thin cheek. Whatever he had been doing with the Eye must have shaken him more than he had let on, because he was cold to the touch. I unbuttoned his shirt, then my own. I lay on top of him; letting the warmth from my body, from my heart, seep into his.
"Ahh, Koryuu… what am I going to do with you? You really don't understand, do you?" You're not some interchangeable blue-eyed Elven warrior from a video game. You are my beloved. And no one else, not even your younger self, will suffice."
Suddenly, something that had lain in the back of my mind for over a year slid into focus.
"We spent a whole hour searching for you at Alcatraz. When that island blew up, I thought you went with it. I've always wondered why you never told us you had another way off. It's because it never occurred to you that anyone would care if you lived or died, isn't it? It never occurred to you that we would look for you."
His stunned look was answer enough.
"Kaiba, I've always cared." I whispered. I kissed him, and couldn't stop. I finally lifted my head from his to swear, "If it takes the rest of my life, I'm going to teach you what it's like to be loved."
He gave me that surprisingly gentle half smile. The one he reserved for Mokuba. The one that came as close as he could to showing affection or warmth. "I'm glad you're not mad anymore," he said simply. "But that sounds like a vow. Be careful, promises are a bitch to keep."
"Not this one. Some promises are a pleasure," I said as I claimed his mouth again, pressing him even further into the bed's soft surface..
KAIBA'S POVWarm.
He was so warm. And I had been cold for so long.
Warmth.
It was such a simple thing. How had I missed its importance?
I had been born in Fall. I had lived my life within Winter's chill confines. Now with Yami, for the first time, I felt the summer sun touch my face.
I could feel Yami's mouth on mine. His breath was a tropical breeze, as his lips left mine, moved down my neck to rest briefly on the pulse that beat in time to his own… then moved further to warm my heart.
Yami lifted his head from my chest, and smirked down at me.
His gaze sharpened, and as with any beam of light, abruptly his warmth intensified; converting instantly to heat. One look, and I was ablaze. (It was enough to make me believe in all that bullshit about Yami being some kind of half-assed Sun God.)
His hands ran down my body, causing my lungs to burn as I gasped for air. His tongue was a river of fire, igniting an answering flame in me.
The great thing about heat is – given the right spark – everything burns. And I've always liked playing with fire.
I was matching Yami now – move for move, flame for flame. Our tongues flowing together; his body, molten, arching downwards to meet mine. Our bodies, almost but not quite fused.
Then, briefly, I felt only the cool night air as the heat of his body was removed. I gasped (okay, I whimpered) at the sudden drop in temperature. Then I felt the heat of his mouth again, just where I wanted him most, surrounding me, taking me deep within its moist embrace, as his fingers slipped inside of me.
It was perfect. But it wasn't enough.
"Yami," I gasped, hoping he'd understand.
He gave me back my name then, as he gave me the heat that I needed… as he fed me the warmth I'd always dismissed as an illusion, only to be proven wrong again and again.
I took him in, rose to meet him, as if I was Icarus flying into the sun. And Icarus was right, because who could look on the sun, and not want to fly into its embrace. Icarus was right, because life is fleeting, and nothing else mattered, not even death, in the face of this blinding need for heat, for consummation.
It was the same rush I felt every time I risked my life, every time I imagined falling from Kaiba Tower's windows… but Yami, for all his heady air of danger, had always meant life, not death. And it was life burning in me, blazing through me, now.
We screamed, our cries as fused, as melded together as our bodies.
And then I was falling… the fire, the energy spent… the heat softening to the warmth of Yami's arms.
Warmth and heat.
I could never get enough of either.
I listened in the now hushed room to the sounds of our heartbeats returning to normal. I was wide awake. I looked at Yami. His eyes were closed, his breathing regular, his face relaxed.
Good.
I felt safest talking to him when he was asleep.
"I love your anger," I whispered.
Of course, I had guessed wrong. One crimson eye opened.
"I suppose that's progress. But why, of all things, do you love my anger?" he asked.
"Once I would have said that it's because we're rivals. It made each encounter more charged," I parried.
"And what would you say now?"
"The only time I get you truly angry is when you see me discarding myself. When I look at the fire in your eyes, when I hear the fury in your voice… the proof of my worth is reflected in your rage."
"I'll try to lose my temper more often, then," he smiled. "My Ryuujin – how can you be so clever and yet so blind? I will never stop loving you. But I wish you didn't need my anger to gauge the beauty of your heart."
I looked at him confused. Beauty? Who the fuck was he talking about?
"Why is that so hard to accept, Kaiba?"
Because I still don't get it… and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that ignorance is deadly," I shook my head in frustration. "Anyway, how can I believe in something I don't understand?"
"How can you understand something you don't believe in?"
I growled. I hated it when Yami twisted everything around. I was about to ask if he'd spent the past 3,000 years reading fucking fortune cookies, but Yami was looking at me like he sometimes did when we dueled… like he was waiting for me, not to fight him, but to match him.
I'd learned to slow down when I saw Yami look at me like that. I'd learned to rethink my conclusions…
Yami smiled at the look on my face… which should have made me angry. Except he followed up his smile with a kiss… and I let go of everything but the feel of his lips on mine, the feel of him wanting me as badly as I wanted him.
I kept trying to pull Yami's feelings apart, as if I could inspect the circuitry to see what made us work. But here, with Yami in my arms, in the quiet of our room, in the darkness that reminded me of him – I understood something for the first time. There comes a point when it is avoidance, not acceptance, that is the true defeat. I still didn't understand Yami. Iwould never see myself through his eyes. But in the face of his love, that no longer mattered. I was smart enough to know I had been given a gift beyond my hopes, much less my expectations. I wasn't fool enough to throw it away.
It was time to set aside the rules I no longer wanted to live by, and embrace the man in my arms instead.
MOKUBA'S POV
Why do people talk about eavesdropping like it's a bad thing?
Maybe it's just that I'm as bad as Nisama when it comes to following other people's rules, but the moment I heard Oniichan and Sugoroku talking in the kitchen, I stopped short of the door – right where I could hear everything without being seen.
"You should at least put some milk in that coffee," Sugoroku was saying.
"In case you haven't noticed, it's not going to stunt my growth."
Sugoroku chuckled. I wondered if this was a morning ritual. Surprisingly Oniichan was the one to break the silence that settled between them.
"That dragon, old man… where did you get it from?" Oniichan asked, obviously continuing an earlier conversation. I would have frozen, if I hadn't already been standing stock still. There could be only one dragon he was referring to.
"A friend gave it to me."
I hadn't known that. And I hadn't thought there was anything that could make me feel worse about Death-T than I already did – until that moment.
"What a lousy, half-assed way to get a dragon," Oniichan said, genuinely offended. "Unless you mean you beat him in a duel and he had to surrender the card?" Oniichan asked hopefully, obviously trying to puzzle it out.
I could hear Sugoroku's smile in his voice. "No, my friend gave me the card because I lost the duel."
"Then he didn't deserve to hold on to him. You can't give away a Blue Eyes White Dragon like he's a worthless piece of junk; like he's a Kuriboh. He's the proudest monster in the game. You have to win him, or at least struggle to get him. Anything less is an insult."
"I suppose you think that I didn't deserve him either?" Sugoroku asked quizzically.
I realized how much Oniichan must like Sugoroku, because he hesitated for a moment before saying, "You didn't. I bet you kept him locked up in a drawer, instead of in your deck where he belonged."
"I treasured that card. I still do," Sugoroku pointed out.
"But a dragon isn't made to be treasured. He's made to be used."
"Perhaps. Loving is sometimes not the same as understanding."
Oniichan grunted, but it was his 'I'm-not-going-to-admit-that-I-don't-have-any-idea-what-to-say' grunt, rather than his 'I-can't-believe-I'm-wasting-my-time-talking-to-an-idiot-like-you' snort.
"You're a curious child," Sugoroku remarked.
I didn't need to see them to know that Oniichan's head had shot up at that remark, or that he was glaring at the old man.
"When you're my age, everyone looks like a child to you," Sugoroku pointed out, mildly.
"I don't see what age has to do with it," Oniichan answered. "Most people look like stupid brats to me, too."
Sugoroku laughed. I could hear the affection in the sound. For a moment I wondered what would have happened if we had been adopted by someone like Yugi's Jichan instead of Gozaburo. But it was a foolish thought. Sugoroku wouldn't have adopted us. He already had a family and a perfectly good grandson of his own. He wouldn't have been out trolling the orphanages, looking for stray kids to adopt in the first place.
I sighed, reminding myself there was no point thinking about the past. It was the future that mattered anyway. And as much as I was enjoying their conversation, there was only so long I could hang out in the hallway without getting caught.
I entered the kitchen. Oniichan and Sugoroku were sitting at the round table. Oniichan's laptop was open in front of him. I said hello and sat down next to him. After a minute, Sugoroku got up, took his dishes to the sink, washed them, laid them on the counter, and left.
I looked at the monitor screen. I don't know much about architecture, but I can recognize the floor plan of a pyramid when I see one.
"What's up?" I asked Oniichan.
"It's the tomb of some unnamed pharaoh. Wouldn't it be freaky if it was Yami's? Isis emailed it over. She sent a long-assed message with it, too."
"What did she have to say?"
Oniichan shrugged. "I don't know. Given how much of it was in bold face, she must have been worked up about something," he grinned, "Kaiba deleted it unread."
Oniichan turned back to the screen. "We have less than three weeks to turn the Kaiba Land basement into a virtual Ancient Egypt," he said. "The trick is figuring out how to recreate the experience without duplicating every detail. It's a question of deciding what's essential and what can be safely discarded. The underground complex at Kaiba Land is huge, but it's not as big as a pyramid, much less the Valley of Kings. I asked Akunadin what he wanted in the design, so at least we'd have something to go on…"
Oniichan grinned again at the look on my face. "Well, he is the client, in a manner of speaking…"
I looked at the selection of doughnuts, picked one out, and sat down next to Oniichan again. He was working at a feverish pace now; flipping back and forth between files, opening and closing programs, until the monitor looked like a slide show on fast forward.
"How long have you been working?" I asked.
"I don't know. Since yesterday. I have to get this done before he comes downstairs."
My mouth opened. I had heard those words before. But the 'he' had always referred to Gozaburo.
"Did Nisama say that?" I asked.
"No. He left the data with me and went to practice with the Eye. I told him I could handle everything on this end. I have to finish."
Nisama was still intense, still driven. But he no longer worked with Oniichan's life or death desperation. Something had changed, and as closely as I'd been watching him, I hadn't noticed.
But working must have reminded Oniichan of Gozaburo as well, because without looking at me, he mumbled, "Those weapons… when I found out what I did… Mokuba, did it bother me?"
In asking his question, Oniichan had answered one of mine. I'd always wanted to know why Nisama had tried to run away that time… if it had been for me… or if maybe, just once, he had put himself first. Now I knew: Nisama had tried to run away from the person he saw himself becoming.
Thanks to Shadi, that attempt had failed, but in a way it had succeeded as well – because it had brought Oniichan to me; it had proven that there had indeed been a moment when Nisama had tried to save himself, when he had cared; before his obligations to me and his need to stop Gozaburo had drowned out that small spark of self-preservation.
"From the minute you found out what Gozaburo was doing with your designs, you gave everything in you to try and fix things; to try and make sure it would never happen again," I assured Oniichan.
He relaxed at that, but I knew it wouldn't last. He had an assignment. Before I finished my doughnut, he'd be all hyped up over this latest deadline, once again. I knew better than to try to distract him with motorcycles or martial arts movies. That might occasionally work with Nisama, now – but not with Oniichan.
I looked at the computer. I wanted to help, but I knew Oniichan wouldn't let me do that either. It was uncomfortably familiar. It was a pattern Nisama and I had finally (thankfully) started to outgrow. But if I couldn't beat him, maybe I could join him – after a fashion. Most of the things my brother was so good at – engineering, systems design, inventions, architecture – were beyond me. But when it came to hacking… if I hadn't caught up to Nisama, I had certainly surpassed Oniichan. I grinned.
"Wouldn't you like to know what Isis said?" I asked innocently.
"Yeah. I bet it was priceless. It's a shame Kaiba deleted it," he replied.
"Which computer was he on?"
"The one in the office upstairs," Oniichan said, turning from his screen to look at me.
"Then come on – grab your laptop. While you're working, I bet I can retrieve that email."
Oniichan saved everything and closed his laptop. As we started upstairs he said, "I told you twice – Kaiba deleted everything. He even emptied the trash folder."
"Yeah, but just because you delete something, it doesn't mean it's gone forever," I answered. It was what I loved most about hacking – with enough time and patience, you can get almost anything back.
Thanks to Clarity for editing this chapter…
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I think even after Kaiba accepts that Yami cares for him, he still wouldn't know how to take care of himself or treat himself any better – because it's a skill he's never practiced. To put it simply: he doesn't know how people who are loved are supposed to act. Ironically, as Yami gets more comfortable with the idea that Kaiba is as fully committed to this relationship as he is, Yami would also feel more comfortable getting really angry at all the bone-headed things Kaiba does. I also think anger, being the emotion Kaiba is most familiar with, would also be the one he's in a way most comfortable with, and the one he can interpret best. So in an odd way, he'd have an easier time reading Yami's concern in a show of anger than in a softer emotion.
As for Mokuba, as I was writing this it struck me that Mokuba's self imposed mission (yeah, both Kaiba brothers have them) is to help his Nisama reclaim his soul – and the only computer activity you see him do regularly involves hacking – which is partly about retrieving hidden or seemingly lost information. That just suddenly struck me as interesting…
RESPONSESKaiba and Seto: (Akito, AmunRa, BH, Ceribi Motou, Darleneartist, Desidera, Maris, Wintersslayer) At the beginning of the story, Kaiba thinks he knows all about his earlier self, and has already passed judgment. But throughout the story, he's been given the chance, both through living with Seto, and through revisiting his past on the way to his soul room, to take a second look at himself. I think that just as they judge themselves against impossibly exacting standards – they are also the two people who understand each other best. So harsh as it seems (but when has Kaiba ever recognized, much less valued gentleness?) Kaiba would know that telling Seto the truth he needs is, in an odd way, the merciful thing to do.
And I can see Seto at first being contemptuous of Kaiba for being weak enough to want/need Yami, but also, as time goes on, coming to see that this is something he wants as well.
Kaiba and Yami – past and present: (Akito, Bishonen no Miko, BH, Darleneartist, Desidera) Often there's a sense that the past version sort of overshadows the present day one. I tend to go back and forth on the past version – I can picture every combination from them being lovers who were so deeply in love that they would follow each other throughout the ages (what can I say, I'm a romance junkie) to them being a High Priest and Pharaoh who were kinsmen and comrades with no romantic attachment. But I think that Yami isn't really Atemu any longer – that is he isn't really the pharaoh – he has no memories (or only fleeting ones) of being Atemu, and he has, to a large extent, built a life for himself here. So I think now, he would require a different lover – Kaiba rather that the High Priest.
Sugoroku: (Akito, ) I know Sugoroku can act very childishly at times in the anime, as well as checking out everything in a skirt. It might be my own eccentric take on things, but I always picture that being a bit of an act… like he's had this adventurous life, living by his wits, and now he wants to relax and be "Jichan.' But he sincerely seems to care about not only Yugi, but his friends, and his more insightful comments often concern them.
Note to Akito: I'm not sure if he could close his Eye – Clarity pointed that out when editing. I know you never see Pegasus close his eye, but I'm not sure that means he can't. I guess I was thinking more of how a glass eye functions as a model. Also I wanted to show both weariness and trust, and for that reason, Kaiba needed to close his eyes in Seto's presence.
Note to AmunRa: Yeah, I always think that's one of the contradictions that go into Kaiba's make-up: he doesn't act like a human with feelings; people forget he is human; and yet he really can't escape (as hard as he often tries) from the fact that he is a human being that not only has feelings, but often cares almost too passionately about the few (as he puts it) things that are crucial to him.
Note to BH: They went to Egypt really briefly in Chapter 33. They just stayed long enough for Kaiba to kick Duel Monster butt and pick up the Sennen Items. As you can see, Kaiba is starting to practice with the Eye, an activity that continues…
Note to Bishonen no Miko: Thanks – yeah for once even Seto couldn't come up with anything nasty to say…
Note to Ceribi Motou: Thanks. My favorite line in that was Kaiba saying: Having thrown off childhood's restrictions when it suited me, I can hardly claim childhood's innocence, now. As for putting the Eye in backwards – Seto clearly thought it was a mistake, since it knocked Kaiba out of action. But Kaiba didn't do it by accident – he did it deliberately, because he regarded the Eye as his true opponent, and was trying to meet him head to head (or eye to eye so to speak.) Okay, you can ignore that last pun, but that was the general idea.
Note to Clarity: Thanks, it's hard keeping track of which way that pesky Eye is facing…
Note to Darleneartist: Thanks. Part of the reason I wrote Deja Vu is because I really wanted to bring the 13 year old Seto Kaiba to life, and have him and the present day version sort of play off of and discover each other.
Note to Desidera: Thanks, that line about childhood's restrictions/childhood's innocence was one of my favorites, because I think that is the way Kaiba sees the world.
Note to heaven shadow: Thank you. When writing something this long, it's really encouraging to hear that you like it.
Note to Jean-Luc Lover: Thanks for reviewing. I've sometimes wondered if the story holds together better when read all at once rather than serially with gaps in between. It's nice to know you're looking forward to the update.
Note to Maris: Yeah, one thing that's fun about writing both Seto and Kaiba is that their unrelenting smart ass attitude makes me grin too, particularly when they inflict it on others.
Note to Nachzes Black Rider: On keeping Kaiba in character – I think the hardest part is that sometimes I have to throw out funny lines, because they sound like me, not Kaiba. Like when Shadi handed the Eye to Yami, I initially had Kaiba say: 'It figures, I'm the one covered in blood… he's the one getting handed the prize. Sometimes the story never changes.' But that's really more my style than his, so it had to go…
Note to Wintersslayer: Thanks, I'm glad you're enjoying it. As you can see, Akunadin is working his way back into the story with a vengeance.