Okay, I beg you to forgive me, and to remember that it was written for a death challenge. One more chapter after this one. Review please! (And I'm sorry).
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if its just for a few days
Making up for all this mess- Snow Patrol
Kirsten knew the words that were going to come out of the doctor's mouth before he said them. Sandy's hand was in hers, sweaty and hot, and she knew that he was nervous. She wanted to tell him that it was pointless to be nervous because the news was not going to be good. He still thought that there could be a happy ending to this. Kirsten knew better.
There was going to be no happy ending.
She wanted to stop time and warn him, so that at least he was prepared for the news. Blind hope was what Sandy clung to. The thought that because he was a good person, she was a good person, that they didn't deserve this. And he was right, they didn't deserve this, but that was not the way these things worked, and Kirsten wanted to tell him that, but didn't have the words or the time.
"The chemotherapy is not working like we had hoped," the doctor said gently.
"What does that mean?" Sandy asked.
"It means that it spread," Kirsten replied without looking at him. Her eyes remained fixed on the doctor's. "Right? It's spread and there's really no way to stop it now?" The doctor nodded sadly, and Kirsten nodded slightly too. Sandy's hand dropped out of hers, and he jumped to his feet.
"What do you mean there's nothing we can do to stop it now?" He yelled.
"Sandy," Kirsten tried, placing a hand on his arm to try to calm him down.
"No! No! We're going to do whatever it takes. There has to be more that can be done! This is supposed to be one of the best hospitals in the country, what the fuck good are you?" He screamed at the doctor.
"Sandy," Kirsten tried again. "Sandy, there's nothing left to do."
"No! We can't just…we can't give up," Sandy said defeated slumping down into his chair. He didn't look at his wife as the doctor kept talking. He hadn't even realized that the doctor was done talking and had left him and Kirsten alone in the room together.
"Sandy," she said softly. "Sandy, please look at me." Sandy turned to her and placed his hand on her face and wiped away a tear with his thumb. "We knew that this was a very real possibility."
"I can't lose you," he replied. "There has to be something else…"
"I'll keep going, with the chemo, if you want me to," she said quietly. It was Sandy's turn to shake his head. It would be too selfish of him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Don't apologize," he said. "You have nothing to apologize for." And he held her as she cried, and for the first time, he cried in front of her. And she held onto him, and they both wondered how they would tell the boys.
Once they had both calmed down, he helped her to her feet, trying not to notice how thin and frail she was. How pale she was, how she shook with every little effort. He tried to not think about how in a few months she wouldn't be there anymore. He tried not to think about how much he was going to miss her, or what he would do without her.
They walked to the car, and Sandy helped her in. She was wearing one of Julie's wigs and Ryan's hats, and she closed her eyes and rested her head back against the seat. She was exhausted, he knew. She was always exhausted now. The littlest things completely wore her out.
Sandy paused before getting into the car, taking a deep breath and pushing back the tears that once again were pricking his eyelids. He climbed into the driver's seat, and Kirsten barely stirred.
Sandy wasn't stupid, he knew that this could happen. He had been hoping for some sort of miracle. He was banking on the fact that they couldn't lose her after all that they had been through together.
Clearly, that wasn't the case, because here they were, and he was going to lose her. She was going to die.
He hadn't wanted to think about that word. Die. Kirsten was going to die. At night, when she was fast asleep, he would memorize her face. Sometimes he would even write things down so that he would remember when she was gone. Like the way that she scrunched her face up when she was dreaming. The way her eyes got all hazy in the morning when she first woke up. He tried to memorize the way that she smiled. He wanted to capture the sound of her laughter so the he would never forget it. He wanted to stop time and keep her there, with him, forever.
Ryan and Seth were home when they got home, eagerly awaiting word on what had happened at her doctor's appointment. It turned out that they didn't need to think about what they were going to say to Seth and Ryan, because as soon as they stepped in, and they saw Kirsten and Sandy's faces, all Sandy had to do was shake his head and they both understood.
Ryan took off towards the pool house, and Seth stood unable to move or process what was happening.
"Seth, sweetheart?" Kirsten asked quietly. She was crying again, unable to hold back her tears, or hide her fear from her sons anymore. "Please say something?" Seth shook his head, but walked to his mother and wrapped his arms around her tiny body.
"I'm going to go talk to Ryan," Sandy said softly, leaving Seth and Kirsten alone. He found Ryan in the pool house, punching the punching bag with everything he had. "Ryan?" Ryan ignored him, punching the bag harder.
"This is bullshit Sandy," Ryan huffed. "Total bullshit."
"I know, son," Sandy said softly and he touched Ryan's arm and that was all it took for Ryan to crumble, his head in his hands, sliding to the floor. Sandy wrapped his arms around Ryan and held him tightly. "I know," Sandy repeated. "I know."
"What now?" Seth asked as he and Ryan sat in the pool house later. Kirsten was asleep, and Sandy was in the bedroom with her, watching her sleep. They could see him through the windows in the dark bedroom, just sitting on a chair next to the bed, tears streaming down his face as he watched her sleep. "What do we do now?" Ryan shrugged, turning to look out the window.
"Sandy said that she had said that when she gets really sick, she doesn't want to be in the hospital. She wants to be home with us," he said quietly, looking down at his hands. "She wants to go to your grandfather's cabin." Seth nodded. He knew his mother loved the cabin, one of few things that hadn't been sold or repossessed after his death.
"What do we do?" Seth asked. "You and me?"
"I'm not starting school in the fall," Ryan said. "I'm going to defer." Seth nodded, his head bobbing up and down in agreement. "We'll go to the cabin with her and Sandy. Sandy's going to get her a nurse."
"Oh God," Seth said, his head dropping into his hands and tears rolling down his cheeks. "Oh God. She's going to die. Oh God, my mother is dying." It was the first time that either had said those words out loud and they hung in the air after Seth said them. "I'm not ready for her to die. I'm too selfish and young, and I need her, Ryan. I need my mother." Ryan wasn't sure what to say to Seth, he wasn't sure if Seth wanted him to say anything at all.
What was left to say?
Kirsten was dying. Kirsten had cancer, and she was dying. They told her only a matter of months. Ryan wasn't sure if Sandy was going to make it without her. He wasn't sure if Seth could either.
Ryan wasn't sure if he could make it without her.
The summer came, the boys graduated, and luckily Kirsten was having a good day that day, and was able to make it and sit in the stands with Sandy and beamed as her boys accepted their diplomas.
Kirsten stopped chemotherapy. Her good days were becoming few and far between, and on those days that she did feel okay, Sandy would take her down to the beach and they would sit and watch the ocean. Sometimes, if she was too sick to make it to the beach, they would just sit on the patio, the four of them, and talk. Seth and Ryan asked her questions about growing up and meeting Sandy, anything about her. They wanted to know about her as much they while they had a chance. On some nights just Ryan sat out with her, talking to her about everything and anything. He listened as Kirsten told him how much she loved him, and how she couldn't imagine their family without him.
"You completed us, Ryan," she told him. "We didn't know what we were missing until you came along, and then it just made sense. You'll take care of each other, right? I would….please, just look out for each other? You and Seth, can you keep an eye on Sandy? I don't know how he's going to handle it when I'm gone."
"I promise," Ryan whispered. "I love you too."
And then it would be Seth's turn. She told him how proud she was of him, and how she knew that he would be amazing.
"I'm so sorry that I'm going to miss it," she wept quietly as she held Seth's hand. "I'm sorry that I won't be at your wedding, or be there when your first child is born. But you're going to be a great father, Seth, and a great husband."
"I love you," Seth said. "I don't know if I tell you that enough."
"I know, Seth, I know that you love me," Kirsten assured him. "I love you, so much."
Finally, the nurse started and Kirsten barely got out of bed. It was finally decided to go up to the cabin, and they packed up and Julie stopped by before they left.
"God, Kiki," she said tears streaming down her face.
"Keep an eye on Sandy and the boys for me?" Kirsten asked.
"Of course," Julie said. "Anything."
"Especially Sandy," Kirsten said reaching out for Julie's hand, which she grasped tightly in her own.
"Promise."
"Come to the cabin," Kirsten said. "Bring the girls? It'll be good for the boys to see them." Julie nodded and leaned down to give Kirsten a kiss on her cheek. "I'd like to see them before…" Kirsten trailed off, and Julie nodded and watched as Sandy transferred her gently to the car and tucked a blanket around her.
"We'll see you soon?" Sandy asked giving Julie a hug before going to the driver's side.
"I'll be up," Julie said nodding.
"Okay," Sandy replied sighing.
"I can't believe this is happening," Julie whispered. Sandy squeezed his eyes shut to stop the never-ending supply of tears that leaked out, and shook his head.
"We'll see you up there," he said and climbed into the car, touching Kirsten's face gently before starting the car and backing up.
Julie stood in the driveway, tears rolling down her face, and waved until she couldn't see the car anymore.
Sandy watched his wife sleeping, her face contorted in pain, and went to get the nurse to give her more pain relievers. Kirsten's room faced the lake and in the morning, Sandy would drink his coffee and read his paper as Kirsten watched the sunrise.
"It's so beautiful," she would say softly. "Isn't it so beautiful Sandy?" Sandy would look over at her, transfixed with the sight before her, and nod.
"It's beautiful," he agreed. He would fix her blankets so that she was comfortable. "Do you need anything baby?"
"No," Kirsten said. "Just come sit with me?" Sandy would climb up onto the bed next to her, wrapping his arms around her, and when they were sitting like this it was easy to forget that the pain that she was in, forget how sick she was. Sandy would run his hand up and down her arm as she buried her head in his chest and he would whisper that he loved her.
"You're going to be okay, right? Please tell me that you're going to be okay," Kirsten begged. He wasn't sure how he was going to tell her that when he knew that he wasn't going to be okay without her.
"I'm going to be okay, the boys and me, we'll get through," he told her.
"Make sure Ryan knows how much I love him," Kirsten said. "And remind Seth of that too. Tell them both how proud I am of them, tell them how much I wish that I could be with them." Sandy nodded, weeping softly. "I wish I could be with you. I wish I could stay here always."
"Me too," Sandy whispered softly. Kirsten turned her attention back onto the lake.
"It's so beautiful here."
They sat on the back porch, just the four of them, staring at the water lapping gently against the shore of the lake. Hailey was inside on the phone talking to her clients, and Julie and the girls had just left to go back home. Ryan and Seth were playing cards, and Sandy was holding Kirsten's hand in his as she watched the sunset.
"I love this time of day," Kirsten spoke up. "Dusk, I always loved dusk." Ryan and Seth looked up from their card game to look over at her. She was fading away right in front of them. Sandy brought her hand up to his mouth and gave it a kiss.
"I love you," he whispered giving her a kiss on her cheek. She turned her head slightly and smiled.
"I love you too," she said. "I'm tired, Sandy, I'm so tired."
"I know baby," he said and his chest tightened and he gave her a hand a squeeze. "I know. Close your eyes."