Please Read and Review: I've always felt (there's poem that said this) that until it's been read, a story is just ink on a page – so I'd like to know what you think.

CHAPTER 40: CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN

KAIBA'S POV

I was enjoying laying in bed, holding Yami, and watching the sun stripe the covers in ever increasing bands of light. I felt Yami stir and looked into alert crimson eyes. He looked as serious as if he was about to propose a duel.

"I need to know why you mutter Anubis' name in your sleep each night," he stated.

"You know?"

"Every night you have the same nightmare. Every night you cry out to the God of Death. I didn't say anything. I know how allergic you are to talking. But after last night…

I don't think I ever quite realized just how reckless you can be. And if I'm the one who will have to explain to Mokuba why you've gone, I need to understand it myself. If every time I reach out to open our bedroom door, I'm going to have to contemplate spending the rest of my life without you… beyond the possibility of ever finding you again… I need to know that you didn't throw your life away casually, as if it was a four-star monster due for sacrifice. I need to know what's going on in that labyrinth you call a mind."

'Never let anyone know what you're thinking or feeling.' It was the first lesson I had learned, the first one I had tried to pass on to Mokuba. Knowledge is power, and I never wanted to give anyone the weapon they needed to hurt me or mine.

Yami and I had been together for months, but it wasn't until that day in my soul room, that I had felt truly naked. And as much as I cared for Yami, I hated the thought that my life… no, my soul… had been an open book before his inspection. I was pleased to find that (at least) it had been written in a language he couldn't read. I suppose the point was moot – since I was about to give him the key he needed to decode it. But at least the choice was mine.

I had learned something important last night. Yami had followed me into the Eye not only because he promised, nor even because he cared… but because he loved me that thoroughly, because he wanted to know me that deeply. And I was going to respond to his need. I'm not sure why. Just like every time I faced those damn Magical Hats of Yami's, I had no idea where the true answer lay. Maybe I was tired of fighting a battle I no longer wanted to win. Maybe it was, as everything else in my life has been, an exchange: I could not accept his gift without offering one of equal value. Maybe his concern conferred an answering responsibility on me, saddled me with another obligation.

Maybe it was simply that I was finally ready to acknowledge that if you split my heart as you would an atom, Yami's name would be one of the two engraved at its core.

"You weren't there in the beginning… when I claimed the Eye," I told Yami. "I saw Anubis," I grinned. "And before you ask, this isn't some weird past life flashback. I wanted to know who was threatening me. He was there, that day. There were flames all around. I could here them crackle. And the monsters were the same ones as in that dream you gave me when we met. I guess you were just giving me a preview."

I saw Yami wince at the reminder.

"Do you remember what you did, Kaiba, when I told you that the loser would experience death?" Yami challenged. "You grinned at me, as though you couldn't wait. It wasn't bravado. You really didn't care whether you lived or died. I had just rediscovered what it felt like to be alive, and I treasured each precious, brief moment of existence. But the gift that meant everything to me was meaningless in your eyes. It was a trivial present not worth the bother of returning. I wanted to show you differently. I wanted to show you the life within your own monsters; the life within your own heart. I wasn't trying to hurt you… or at least, that wasn't the only thing I was trying to do. But it was the first time I had sought to do something beyond merely meting our punishment. I guess I was too newly reborn… too unused to showing mercy."

"That's okay," I said. "I wasn't used to receiving any. And what Anubis was offering that day, was judgment not mercy. He was holding a set of scales in one hand and a feather in the other. He said that I had to walk the path of my own life… of my own sins… and that he would be waiting at its center. He said that if the sins of my heart were heavier than the feather, the fire and the monsters would devour me." I knew it would annoy Yami, but I grinned again. I couldn't help it. It was funny. "I still don't get the feather bit. And I wasn't crazy about being judged by a dog. But none of that mattered. I started though the maze as quickly as I could. If Anubis was going to weigh my heart, there could only be one verdict, and I just wanted to get it over with."

Yami looked angry again. "I'm not going to pretend," I told him firmly. "All I felt was relief. But then, suddenly… I could feel you. You were in there with me. And I had to keep you alive. I didn't really want you there, you know… seeing all that… seeing me…"

I know," Yami said.

I didn't really know why you were there, why you had followed. I figured it was only because you had promised. But that was enough. I know what it's like to make an unbreakable vow, and then fail. I didn't want you to have to live with that. So I had to hope that no matter what you saw, you'd trust me enough to keep you safe."

"You've always denied that the Sennen Items had any power," Yami said. "So how did you know you could protect me?"

I smirked at that. "I might not know shit about soul rooms, but those memories were made of energy, and I'm an engineer. I knew if I detonated each experience, forced each memory to expend all its stored power on me, then just like with a cell phone battery, it'd take a while to recharge. You were right behind me. As long as you stayed close, you'd survive. And the more I focused on keeping you safe, the softer Anubis' voice became. Until it disappeared. I was in the center of the maze waiting for his judgment… but you were the only one there."

I paused, then continued, "That night the dreams started. The challenge is different each time, but the game remains the same. The monsters are there. The fire is there. I'm still recounting all my sins. And Anubis is there. But he's not judging me, he's challenging me to a duel of sorts. I'm inside the Eye. It's like a maze that keeps shifting. And each time, the task he sets me is different. Sometimes, like last night, I start with the Eye facing inwards, then I have to find my way out of the center of my soul room. I have to turn the Eye until it's facing outward once more. Sometimes I have the opposite challenge: I have to march right through my nightmares, turning the Eye inward as I go; as I stride right into the heart of my soul room – and then I have to escape before Anubis can claim me. Sometimes I have to evade him, as he searches for me through the alleys and corridors of my mind, like we're playing some demented game of hide and seek."

I smirked again. "It's a good thing that my mind really is a labyrinth. And every time, I have to meet Anubis' challenge before the tape of my life, before the list of my sins runs out. I guess I'm lucky the list is so long. The same thing happens every time I practice with the Eye. Only it's not a dream then. It's real."

"What drives you back to Anubis, Kaiba? You haven't mentioned last night, but your skin was ice. Whatever visions you're seeing must scare even you. Why do you return to challenge the Eye? Is your need to win really so much stronger than your desire to live?"

If Yami had yelled, I would have clammed up or thrown his words back in his face. But Yami wasn't demanding. He was asking. He was asking because he cared.

"If Akunadin succeeds in changing our timeline, will Yugi ever assemble his puzzle? Will you even exist?" I challenged in return. "You were the one to remind me – the true battles aren't about winning, but about protecting the people you treasure. The stakes are too high for us to back down now, Yami. We've chosen our course of action, and whatever it takes, we have to see it through. For once, this isn't about winning. It's about understanding. I've been given a message. All life is encrypted. Even dreams follow their own mad logic. Everything, from our DNA to my laptop runs on code. And whatever it costs, I'm not resting until I crack this one."

"It's a riddle…" Yami said with a start of surprise. "Like the riddle Shadi gave me."

"You expect me to believe that Ghost Boy had something useful to say? Maybe miracles do happen."

"It was the first night Shadi came… before Seto arrived, before this all began," Yami said, ignoring my comment. "Shadi told me that in the coming battle my greatest strength would become my weakness. And that my weakness, if I could find it, would lead me to the strength I needed."

"Sounds like something that fool would say. He makes even less sense then my dreams," I snorted in annoyance. "Alchemy doesn't exist. You can't turn lead into gold."

"Maybe the change isn't in essence, but in perception," he answered.

"So we've both been given puzzles," I smirked. "Let's see who solves his, first."

MOKUBA'S POV

"It worked like a charm," Oniichan boasted. "I told Akunadin that the test run on our Ancient Egypt simulation would be in two or three weeks. He's waiting for me to tell him the exact day, so he can sneak in ahead of us. It's the perfect set-up. It even gives us an excuse to bring the rest of these losers along, not that I expect them to be much good." Oniichan couldn't resist taunting Nisama, adding, "Ordinarily Akunadin would be too smart to trust me – but he also wants to believe that I'll sell you out; that I'll steal the items and deliver them and you for a chance to stay in this timeline. He figures I'm aching to be the one and only Seto Kaiba. He's got a point – I always thought you were superfluous."

"What makes you so sure you've got Akunadin suckered?" Jounouchi demanded. "Maybe Akunadin's figured out your little con game, and he's the one stringing you along."

"Don't worry," Oniichan drawled. The smirk on his face was eerily similar to his Death-T grin. Everyone but Nisama flinched at its appearance. "When it comes to playing double games, I learned from a master."

"This isn't a game, Seto," Jounouchi warned.

"Of course it is. Everything is. And I'm going to win," Oniichan answered confidently.

Jounouchi shuffled his feet, then looked at Oniichan and said, "For once in your life, will you listen to someone else? That attitude's going to buy you a world of trouble."

"Do you think I care?" Oniichan hissed back. "This attitude's bought me and Mokuba money, power and a home. And there's nothing anyone can throw at me that I can't handle."

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that – just see how far it gets you. And I wasn't talking about your money, your power, or even your brother. I was talking about you."

Oniichan looked at him like he was speaking a foreign language.

Jounouchi had mellowed towards Nisama, but he'd never really forgiven him, and he couldn't resist throwing Death-T his face every now and then. Nisama couldn't have cared less what Jounouchi thought of him, but any mention of Death-T caused his face to set in those cold hard lines I kept trying to erase. (I came as close as I could to hating Jounouchi at those moments.) So I thought it was funny the way Jounouchi kept trying to keep Oniichan from making Nisama's mistakes.

But it was time to stop this before it got too out of hand. It was bad enough that Oniichan was going to have to live through Nisama's life, without having to hear about it in advance, too. And anyway, it was none of Jounouchi's business. I knew a lot better than him all the ways that my brother's determination and over-confidence was going to get him into trouble.

"So you're just going to walk into a trap?" I interrupted.

"He won't be going alone," Nisama answered. "Akunadin wants my version of the Eye – and there's only one way for him to get it. He also wants me out of the way. It would be rude not to give him the chance to get what he wants." My brother was smiling at the prospect of a good fight.

But they were leaving Kouma behind. That's how I knew, despite the grins, that they expected the fight to be a tough one. I wanted to go with them more than I've ever wanted anything. I remembered my brother saying, in Noa's World: "As long as you're by my side, I can fight." So how could I let them go to their biggest battle, alone? But they also needed someone to watch over Kouma.

ANZU'S POV

I looked at Mokuba. We're alike in this – we've always been the cheerleaders, the ones biting our nails on the sidelines, when no one was watching… the ones with the encouraging smiles pasted on our faces when our loved ones turned to look at us. I had been along on all the adventures, all the hair-breadth escapes.

I'd gone to cheer for Yami, each time. But Yugi needed me in a way that Yami didn't, and it's nice to be needed. I'd spent months asking myself which aibou I would have picked if the choice had been mine. But maybe that was the wrong question. Maybe I should simply have asked myself: did I want Yugi? I still wasn't sure, but there was no way I was going to get the answer by staying on the sidelines.

Just as I nodded to myself, ready to put my plan into action, I saw Mokuba's face. He was such a little cutie. I couldn't have been prouder of him if I'd been his sister… which was probably the worst thing I could ever say to him. I was his first crush… and that's quite a responsibility. I would never be able to give him what he wanted – which is why it was important that I do this, instead.

"Don't worry about a thing, guys," I said in my sunniest voice, "Kouma can stay with me. We'll wait at the Game Shop for you to come back and tell us all about it."

Kouma beamed up at me, as his hand stole into mine. I smiled back. He really was going to be a heart-breaker one day. He had Otogi's charm and Kaiba's determination. I pitied the unsuspecting female population of whatever High School he was eventually going to be turned loose on.

I looked up from Kouma, to meet Mokuba's eyes. He bowed, for once as silent as his brother.

"Thank you," he said, finally. "You couldn't have given me anything that means more."

Then he flashed that irrepressible grin. Definitely a heart-breaker… some day… for some other lucky girl.

As Mokuba and Kouma left the room with their brothers, I turned to meet another pair of violet eyes… darker, and without Mokuba's touch of gray.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I really wanted to be there, cheering you on, but…"

"But you wouldn't be Anzu, if you could pass a friend who was hurting, and just keep walking," Yugi finished for me. "It's okay – as long as it doesn't mean that you're going out with Mokuba, next."

"He'll always be five years too young," I assured him. "It's just that…"

"You're right. Mokuba needs you tomorrow. But the day after tomorrow?" he flashed me the mischievous grin I'd been looking at all my life, and never seeing.

"The day after tomorrow is yours," I promised.

"You know, Anzu… you could have anyone you wanted…" He stopped, thinking of the one person I couldn't have.

"Except Yami," I agreed. "That's okay. I think I've just decided that he's a little too tall for my taste, anyway."

SUGOROKU'S POV

I was surprised to see Kaiba enter the Game Shop for the first time since he had come looking for dragons. "Yami and Yugi aren't here." I told him.

"I know," he answered. "They're at the mansion."

Let's sit down, then," I said, leading him to the back.

As usual, there was no small talk. He slid a legal document across the table. It had two names on it – Mokuba and Kouma Kaiba. "If anything happens to me, I want you to be their guardian." he said calmly.

"Won't people question Kouma? I mean he just showed up out of nowhere. And he'll be a very rich young man. Are you sure whatever forgery you've rigged will work?

"No forgery was involved. His and Koryuu's births are properly registered in Domino's Central Data Base."

I shook my head. Kaiba had disliked Seto's nickname, but he wasn't above using it, if it served his purpose.

"You hacked into the city's computer system?" I laughed at his audacity.

"Not me, " he smirked. "I just supervised." He considered his statement for a moment, and added. "Seto's almost as good on the computer as I am."

"So is Mokuba." I said.

He looked at me, but let my statement pass unchallenged. So…. he was willing to deceive me by implication, but refused to give the lie direct. And, as usual, he was more than willing to tarnish his name, to protect Mokuba's. I wondered how Yami could stand him.

"You realize that I'm an old man," I said.

"Mokuba will be 20 in seven years. You're in good health. You'll probably last till then," he shrugged. "It's a reasonable risk to take."

I fought the impulse to smile. Kaiba wasn't trying to be rude, he simply didn't realize how offensive his brutal form of honesty could be.

"Besides…" he paused, took a deep breath, and said quietly, as if confessing a secret, "You did a good job with Yugi."

I looked at the contract, at the two names, at the blank space where the executor's fee should have been.

"You can fill that in yourself." he said. If I thought the money would influence you, I wouldn't be here. I know the money doesn't matter to you. It's never mattered to me either, except as a means to an end," he added under his breath, as if admitting something shameful.

"The power does." I said.

He nodded, eyes hooded and distant, body tense.

"I can't give them that." I reminded him.

"That's not what I want for them. On my death Kaiba Corporation will be dissolved. No one will be able to resurrect Gozaburo's weapons again. If Mokuba was a little older, I would leave Kaiba Corporation to him, but I don't want to steal what's left of his childhood. This way the money will be there for him when he's ready. Whatever he does, I have faith in him," Kaiba said with unnecessary belligerence. I had no inclination to disagree.

I didn't doubt that Kaiba's drive for power had begun with his need to protect Mokuba. But it had taken on a life of its own, become a part of him. In that way he reminded me a little of Yami, and even of my lost dragon. For the first time I felt no anger as I thought of that day. I wondered if I would ever ask what he had felt as he had destroyed the dragon that still lay between us… and if I did, whether he would answer. But this was not the time to rehash old wrongs.

I looked at the two names. There was one thing I could not let pass uncontested.

"What about Seto, or rather, Koryuu? Why isn't his name here?"

"He'll probably be with me when I meet Akunadin. I doubt he'll survive anything I can't. Besides, he looks too much like me – and I'm too well known. His presence would raise too many questions."

He looked me directly in the eyes as he advanced that preposterous statement with the utmost assurance. He was probably used to saying things to employees who were afraid to contradict him. Or possibly, he had never offered one of his dubious explanations to anyone who cared enough to challenge him.

"So we'll cut his hair. No one's ever seen your eyes anyway."

His lips twitched – it was the closest I had ever seen him come to a genuine smile.

"You don't have to worry about him. He'll land on his feet. It's what he's good at," Kaiba said.

"You never intended to include him – whether he survived or not. You were afraid it would make me refuse to take Mokuba, weren't you?"

He looked at me measuringly. Reluctantly decided that only honesty would serve. "If I'm dead and Seto's still alive, he's the one who will have to deal with Akunadin. And I'm not letting him drag Mokuba into another nightmare. I just want to find Mokuba and Kouma a safe harbor. It's all that I ever wanted. Besides, they'll be better off without Seto."

"But will he be better off without them? You didn't even stop to think about that, did you? You just assumed I'd reject Seto. When will you admit that Seto is, at heart, a child in need of a home?"

Kaiba didn't answer directly.

"You know what he is – what he'll become," he said quietly.

"No I don't," I snapped, finally angry with him, "and neither do you. Weren't you the one who said that the future is infinite? You have no idea what you'll become in the end."

"Of course I do," he smirked, "What everyone becomes in the end… a corpse."

I sighed and held my peace. Part of being old is learning when the young need to have the last word.

I reached out instead, and touched him for the first time. I laid a pen gently in his hand. "You wanted to know my price? I won't take the boys without their Nisama."

Kaiba looked at me. His eyes were so full of conflicting emotions, they were almost as unrevealing as his usual expressionless glare. Then he bent his head to the paper, and I watched as he slowly added the younger version of his name to the guardianship agreement.

Thanks to Clarity for editing this chapter…

AUTHOR'S NOTES: After Duelist's Kingdom, it had to be clear to Kaiba that if anything happened to him, Mokuba is a sitting duck. I think the fact that Kaiba takes Mokuba into what are clearly dangerous situations is an indication of just how alone the brothers are, and perceive themselves to be.

I always feel a little nervous when I have Kaiba be a little more open… after all, in Chapter (I think) 26, Mokuba has to pretty much play 20 questions with Kaiba to get even a hint of what's going through his mind. But I think it goes to the idea of change. In the 15 or so chapters since Kaiba and Mokuba have their game of 20 questions, Kaiba has learned to an increasing degree to allow Yami into his life, to the point where I think he would be able to answer Yami's question, knowing that understanding was important to Yami, and that Yami wasn't trying to change his actions. So the conversation with Yami comes both after Yami has literally lived through part of his life, and had shown in Chapter 39 that he accepted Kaiba's actions even before knowing the explanation.

Anubis Note: Anubis is usually shown as a jackal headed figure. However, according to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, there seems to be some disagreement as to whether in some of the statues attributed as being of him, he has a dog's head. Given that in Noa's Arc, Seto tells Mokuba he'll show the world that they are more than stray dogs, I liked the idea of continuing the dog motif. The souls of those deemed unworthy were fed to Ammit, not a squadron of duel monsters. But I figured since it's Kaiba's visions/nightmares, he would experience them through imagery that felt familiar.

RESPONSES:

Sugoroku and Seto Kaiba (both of them): (Akiko, AmunRa, Desidera) In the manga, when Sugoroku first encounters Kaiba, he calls him a 'terrible boy.' What struck me about that expression was not the word 'terrible' (which was certainly deserved) but the word 'boy.' In spite of all Kaiba had done to him, in spite of Kaiba's money and power – Sugoroku looked at him an saw a child (albeit one in need of a spanking.) So I've tried to convey that in his narratives. And I agree, both Setos are so intense, that Sugoroku makes a good ground for their energy – I can almost sense him looking at them quizzically. I realized at some point that I hadn't yet had a scene that showed Sugoroku and the younger Seto Kaiba talking, without the older Kaiba being part of the conversation, which was part of why I included that scene.

Kaiba and Yami, sex: (Akiko, AmunRa, bnomiko, Darleneartist, Desidera, kori hime) Got your attention, right? I've tried to make each lime show another part of Kaiba and Yami's relationship. Since emotions are what Kaiba has forbidden himself (admittedly an impossible task) I've always felt that if he was able to be in a relationship, loving and being loved would feel risky and incredibly charged to him, which is part of why he compared himself to Icarus. (Not to mention that Kaiba's general all-or-nothing approach seems to fit in with the Icarus story in general.) And in the last chapter I was trying to show Yami startled and angry at the realization of how suddenly and casually he could lose Kaiba, then sort of changing to an acceptance of who his lover is. As is clear in this chapter, Kaiba does have reasons for testing the Eye even given the risks, but he's still learning that he has to share those reasons with the people in his life.

Kaiba brothers: (Nachzes Black-Rider, Pkmnrocksmysocks, samuraiduck27) One thing that made me want to write this story, was to bring the older pair face to face with their younger selves, so they could sort of learn who they are, and be reminded of how far they have come. The little that is in the manga/anime about their past is so powerful, that I find myself drawn to filling in the outlines a little.

Story in general: (Duelqueen, Katie Torango, kori hime, Lady11Occult, Pharaoh Yel, samuraiduck27) Maybe I'm in a wrapping up mood, because I've just realized that with this post, there are only five chapters and four posts left (but they're long ones, honest!) A lot of the comments made me think about what I had wanted to do when I started this story. I wanted to write a long story that gave equal weight to the romantic (because I just can't resist pairing Yami and Kaiba) and platonic relationships in Kaiba's life (between Mokuba and between Kaiba and his younger self.) and one that had a balance between the plot and the romance. I wanted to write a story where everything tied in somehow, where the love story impacted on the action, and was affected by it in turn. I have to admit, it's been a lot longer, and in some ways, a lot more of a grind than I thought it would be, which is why I appreciate your comments on the story.

Note to Akiko: Yeah, I love confused Seto and angry Yami too – they're irresistible! And I thought Yami being sort of wryly apprehensive about Kaiba's idea of offering comfort was funny too – a concern that was very well grounded, given Kaiba's subsequent comments.

Note to AmunRa: Yeah I thought anger would be the emotion Kaiba was most familiar with, and could read the best. Also, unlike most people, Kaiba, I think would find the passion in Yami's anger attractive.

Note to bnomiko: As far as Kaiba goes – logic, what logic?

Note to britney565: Thanks. I loved hearing from you. If there's anything you have a question on, just ask, and I'll do my best to answer.

Note to clarity: It's always good to hear from you…

Note to Darleneartist: Thanks. I agree… at this point, I'm looking forward to the showdown, too!

Note to Desidera: Thank you! You described exactly what I was trying to do in the chapter, which is a wonderful present. I meant the title, 'The Idiot' somewhat as a joke – because a lot of Kaiba's actions with regard to his emotions can seem pretty idiotic on the surface. But you're right – I don't think of him as an idiot, but as someone who is learning a lot of hard lessons about trust and sharing his life.

Note to Duelqueen: Thanks! I'm glad your reviewed. It's very encouraging to hear from you.

Note to Katie Torango: Glad to hear from you,. It's nice to know you're still following it.

Note to kori hime: Thanks! I loved your description of Kaiba as the 'teenage ball of angst we all know and love.'

Note to Lady11Occult: Thanks. I love these characters, even at their most flawed, and that makes taking the time to portray them accurately a lot of fun.

Note to Nachzes Black-Rider: I always try to show an edge to Mokuba, because in the manga he's ready to kill to prove his worth to his Nisama, and I don't think he'd ever totally lose that feeling.

Note to Pharaoh Yel: Thanks. I like stories that make me think, so I really appreciate being told I've written one.

Note to Pkmnrocksmysocks: Thanks! Believe me, there are days when I wonder what possessed me to tackle not one, but two sets of Kaiba brothers at the same time.

Note to samuraiduck27: Yeah I love the little viper, too. Part of why I wrote this was to give him his own story where he could show off his totally obnoxious self in all its glory. And I'm glad you can see where Yami and Kaiba work in this story.