Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry yadda yadda, you get the idea.
Right, to business, sorry about the mistakes that went in to my fourth chapter, those of you who had no idea what the hell was supposed to be happening, I've replaced it with a fixed version (notice that the name of the chapter went from Spiders and Sprinkles to Chips and Sprinkles).
Sorry for the inconvenience and I'll try to make sure they don't happen again.
Don't worry, Scorch the Hedgehog, I'm not intending on giving up on this, some chapters are gonna take a hell of a lot longer than others.
And for those who never played normal mode and never played all of the secret missions, a shadow is a completely black wildcat that is made out of shadows and can change form.
By the way, I'm gonna do my first real fight scene (as requested by Sydon) so tell me what you think.
Any ideas at all for the story and I'll see if I can put them in, because I'm running short of ideas myself.
And if I ever want to put in any Authors Notes I'm gonna put it like this: AN:.
Anyway, here's my fifth chapter of Yet Another DMC Parody.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --Chapter 5: Spiders Endgame
Dante was standing on the ledge before the huge fall. "Whoaaaah" he groaned.
"What now!" asked Alastor in an annoyed voice. "What would you say if I told you that I'm afraid of heights?" replied Dante in a voice that suggested puking.
"I'd probably tell you that if you don't jump I'll shock you so much that it'll make Frankenstein look like a little schoolgirl that has a phobia of electricity, why'd you ask?" said Alastor coolly. " Umm… never mind" Dante replied.
He just got to the very edge of the ledge when he couldn't hold it in any longer.
He puked over the side.
Meanwhile……
Several million mole-people were digging their way up to the surface.
Mole Leader#1: Soon we shall get to those humans!
ML (Mole Leader)#2: Then we shall destroy them all!
ML#1: Isn't that a little psychotic?
(Their drills brake through the surface)
ML#2: Yeah, your right man
ML#1: Don't you realise that we can all live together in harmony, man?
ML#2: Yeah, we are all sons of the soil.
ML#1: Make love, not war!
ML#2: I love you, man!
ML#1: I love you too, man!
ML#2: I can't wait to give these humans a great big hug!
(They poke their heads out of the ground, the soldiers swap their weapons with flowers)
ML#1: Not if I get there first!
(The puke hits them in the face)
ML#1: Blaaaaargh! What's this?
ML#2: It appears to be vomit.
ML#1: These humans are disgusting!
ML#2: And to think, we were going to live in harmony with them!
ML#1: Screw that! ATTAAACK!
They are then all crushed to death by a common housefly.
Back at Dante…
Dante managed to jump across.
Mission 8: Return of the Legendary Dark Knight: Use the mechanism to escape the castle.
"Whuh?" said Dante.
"I'm not gonna go through this with you again!" said the familiar voice.
"Who said that" replied Dante with a scared voice.
"Your Mother" answered the voice, trying to be mean.
"Hi Mom!" said Dante.
"It was a joke, I'm not your mother"
"Okay, Mom!" said Dante "I gotta go now"
"Whatever"
Dante took a look around. By the looks of it, it was a furnace. Plenty of fire.
Dante liked fire. AN: Oh, boy, here we go again…
He liked fire as much as he liked shiny things. Alastor recognised that look in his eyes.
She groaned. "Dante," she said "whatever you do, don't go into the light!"
Dante started to hump the iron bars of the furnace. Alastor was not amused. "GET OFF IT!" she screamed. Dante pined. "BAD DOG!" she roared. Dante put on his puppy eyes. "THAT'S IT," she yelled "NO WALKIES FOR YOU TODAY!". That made Dante stop.
Dante went through the door.
He noticed the giant glass on the floor. He pressed his face up against it.
Just as he did that, two monsters were unfortunate enough to look up at that same moment. They saw Dante's face squashed against the glass. One of them fainted. The other is still in the lunatic asylum locked up in a soundproof room. He is still screaming and they can't get him to stop.
Anyway Dante went on after Alastor gave him a lecture about how someone could be seriously hurt by doing that.
Dante was just at the archway when the steel gate came down. On his foot. Ouch.
"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHH!" was the response.
Meanwhile…
The mole people were just recovering from the vicious onslaught of the giant beast (the housefly) when they heard a great noise that actually managed to pop some of the soldiers.
ML#1: What was that?
ML#2: These humans must be in control of great sound weapons.
ML#1: No matter what the peril, we will go through with this war!
Mole soldier: Sir! Our men are dying!
ML#1: Send a messenger back to the earth's core, get the hospitals ready.
ML#2: We'll be back!
Back at Dante…
Phantom was just going to get Dante from behind and have a quick kill, it would be easy. Suddenly the scream cut through the air. Phantom stumbled and fell off the wall he was climbing down.
Dante was sucking his foot (I don't know how he did it, but he actually managed to put the foot in his mouth like a baby) when he heard the THUMPH.
He turned around and screamed like a little girl. Phantom crawled right up to Dante's face (poor Phantom) and said " Recess time is over, boy!"
"Aaaaaaw," said Dante "5 more minutes, please?"
Like I said, Phantom was every bit of an idiot as Dante was.
"No," he replied "recess has been on long enough, and Timmy told me you pushed him!". "He pushed me first!" stated Dante. "Who's Timmy?" asked Alastor. They ignored her. "You're lucky that you're not in detention!" said Phantom with a hint of anger in his voice. "But he pushed me first!" whined Dante. Alastor had no idea what was going on. "Were you going somewhere when you said, "recess time is over, boy"?" she asked.
Phantom thought back.
"Oh, yeah!" he said. He turned back to being a murderous volcanic spider.
"Recess time is over, boy!" he said again. "Aaaaaaw" said Dante.
"Not again…" said an exasperated Alastor.
10 minutes later………
"Recess time is over, boy!" said Phantom "here there's plenty of room to get reeeaaal nasty!"
"About damn time!" said Alastor.
Phantom swung his pincers at Dante.
Dante got knocked back several yards. He whooped "Whoooooaaaaaah! Again again!
Alastor shocked him "DO YOU WANT TO DIE!" she screamed "GET IN THERE AND TRY NOT TO TURN IT INTO A JOKE!". Dante got up and for the first time in his life got serious and actually used his head (he's still an idiot though).
Dante gripped Alastor tight and charged at Phantom, slashing wildly.
If only he actually hit Phantom… oh well, better luck next time.
Phantom spat a fireball at Dante and Dante had the sense to dodge it. He could admire some fire later. Dante, having already bought all the moves for Alastor, stingered Phantom in the mouth. Phantom retaliated with a sting from his tail.
The tail missed completely. Dante tried a swing with Alastor. That also missed.
This went on for a while and nobody got hurt.
Phantom tried to cut Dante in half with a pinch from his pincers, but Dante ducked.
The pincer cut some of Dante's hair.
There was silence.
The clouds stopped moving.
All traffic stopped.
People in the streets stopped walking.
Birds stopped chirping.
Michael Jackson stopped screwing a crying kid.
Dante seriously regretted ducking.
Alastor took a deep intake of air to prepare herself from what she knew would definitely happen.
Phantom had no idea what was going on.
Dante stood up to his full height and glared at Phantom.
A voice that did not sound like Dante's boomed out in a low voice "You shall pay for what you've done"
Phantom took a step back. "I-I didn't do anything!" he stuttered in a whiny voice "I swea-" "SILENCE!" interrupted Dante. Phantom kept backing up until his back hit the wall. Dante's shadow put him in the shade. Dante devil-triggered without realising it. Phantom begged for mercy. Dante realised that he was shiny. His face broke into a retarded smirk. He rose slowly into the air (using his wings of course) and struck Phantom with lightning.
Or, rather, tried to strike Phantom with lightning. As soon as he pulled back his arm to fire, he ran out of devil-trigger. He fell flat on his face. He looked up. Phantom was there cracking his knuckles.
Dante forced a grin "Eh-heh, sorry about that, no hard feelings, right?". He tried to shine Phantom's feet. Phantom scowled. Dante wrote his will. Phantom pulled back his tail, ready to kill.
Dante ran like hell. "COME BACK HERE!" roared Phantom as he chased after Dante.
Things wouldn't' have gone well for Dante, but at that exact moment, Dante's banana from lunch earlier slipped out of his pocket. With a "whoopsie!" Phantom tripped on the banana skin and fell into the window on the floor.
Phantom landed on the statue of the knight on the horse and landed on the knight's spear.
He started yelling with the pain. When he calmed down he looked up at Dante. "You!" he said, "you're not just any ordinary human, what are you?". Dante replied "eggs".
AN: Dante is a complete idiot so he will keep saying random things, get used to it.
"Eggs?" said Phantom thoughtfully "yes I remember, eggs, that competition…" he took a closer look at Dante " the Legendary Sparda!" he exclaimed. "Where?" asked Dante excitedly. "He's talking about you, stupid!" said Alastor. Phantom died.
At that exact moment, Trish snuck into the hall with Mundus's supply of beer.
Heh-heh she thought. She drained several kegs and looked up. Dante was looking down. In her drunken sight, Trish thought she saw Sparda. "Spar-hic! SPARDA!" she screamed. Dante looked around him. "Seriously," he said, "I can't see Sparda anywhere! Where does everyone see him?".
Trish thought she saw Dante (or Sparda as she thought) fly up to the sun, push it away a few metres, pull it back and fly back down while Pinkie the Elephant played the tambourine. "Incred-hic incredible power! -hic" she said.
Dante walked away.
Dante picked up the trident.
"A giant fork!" he said with a giant grin "now I can eat my giant dinner!" he pulled a huge t.v dinner from his pocket (how he fit it in there only God knows) and ate it happily. Alastor didn't bother asking.
Dante saw the skeleton in the corner.
"Oh my God!" he said with a confused voice "how come nobody knew that something so valuable was in this corner for God knows how long and never took it?".
"Yeah," said Alastor, for the first time agreeing with Dante "just look at that grenade laun-" "Look at this pretzel!" Dante butted in and he then picked up a pretzel that was beside the skeleton and ate it.
"I was talking about the grenade launcher," said Alastor in an exasperated voice.
Dante took a look at the grenade launcher. "It's alright I suppose," he said "but it's no pretzel!". Alastor shocked him.
Dante then realised his mistake. The grenade launcher was shiny. BUM BUM BUMMMMMM!
Dante got in a really weird mood and went around blowing up everything the room while laughing maniacally.
He then also noticed the shiny thingie that needed to be hit. He did so.
He fell down the ladder (anybody with half a brainstem would have used the ladder to get down, but since when did Dante have half a brainstem?) and shoved the trident into the face thingie. The gate opened.
Dante ran out the door and blew up every enemy in sight with his new shiny weapon.
His teeth were chattering and his eye was twitching. He was chanting "shinyshinyshinyshinyshiny" in a continuous loop.
He finally managed to get to the front door.
MISSION COMPLETE
TIME: 01:31
ORBS: 12'321
RANKING: A
Dante couldn't believe it. This was the best day of his idiotic life.
SAVING………
-- -- -- -- -- -- --There goes another chapter, my fic's growing up so fast "sniff".
Anyway it was a big change from 4 missions in the one chapter to 1.
Ah well I think it was long enough.
I based Dante's love for fire on myself. Kinda like the way I based his love for shiny things on a friend of mine.
Anyway, any ideas? If so review.
Don't have any ideas? If so review.
Couldn't be bothered to click on that teeny little button on the screen that'll put you back to the other stories? If so review.
I think I've made my point.
Hell, I'll be grateful for a bad review that lectures me on every teensy mistake I've made.
But whatever you do, DO NOT FLAME ME!