Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry or any of its characters. I don't own the Muppets either (this will hopefully be their last appearance). I don't own Chuckie the clown either. Whoever made that horror film does.
I'm probably gonna get really and utterly tired of writing those disclaimers. Anyway, let's think, Authors Notes… Emm… Oh, yeah, I might be writing a more serious Devil May Cry story after this. I have three different ideas. Review and tell me which one you'll prefer.
Vergil and Dante work together to stop a similar enemy.
Dante and Trish go to Ireland to solve a case (yes, I'm Irish)
Little snippets from Dante and Vergils childhood (no intention of copying Ayla Curtis)
Let me know which one you want sent first (I'll probably get round to them all eventually). And will someone please invite me to a C2 community? I feel so lonely!
Just to let you know, I'm not done with the mole people, they'll keep ending up in the story one way or other.
Here we go.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Chapter 6: The Power of Coconuts
Mission 9: New Strength: Use the New Strength to Open the Door
"Hi Mom!" said Dante.
"I told you, I'm not your mother, you idiot!"
"Then why did you say that you were?"
"It was a joke dammit! Why do you have to take things so seriously?"
"I like coconuts!" Dante yelled loudly so the whole world could hear.
"Why the hell did you say that?"
"The doctor says that I have worms" stated Dante offhandedly.
"Uuurgh! Just go and start the mission!"
"Bye Mom!"
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"
"Stop calling you Mom?"
"YES! PLEASE!"
"Alrighty then, Bye Mother!"
"Aaaaargh! I KIIIIIIIILLL YOOOOUUUU!"
Dante was already gone.
He found himself on a bridge. Dante then thought it would be fun to spit over the side.
At that very moment the God of Time was standing below. He was wearing a backpack and a bowler hat. He took in a deep breath. "Ah, the great outdoors!" he said, "maybe now I can go somewhere peaceful without that ape finding me…"
Suddenly a wad of spit hit him on the head. He looked up. Another wad of spit hit him in his left eye. "Uuurgh! Disgusting!" he yelled. Dante recognised his voice. "HELLO!" he yelled down at the god.
The God of Time realised who it was. "Oooooh, no" he muttered, "No, no" he said a little louder. "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" he screamed, "WHY! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE AND MAKE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL!"
Dante thought that he was starting a shouting competition.
"I LIKE EGGS!" he yelled down.
"WHAT!" came the reply.
"DING-DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD!" sang Dante loudly.
"PLEASE SHUT UP! I BEG YOU, GO AWAY INTO A DARK HOLE SOMEWHERE AND CURL UP AND DIE!"
"POTATOES!"
The God of Time started crying out loud.
"HAH!" yelled Dante; "I WIN!"
"Come on, let's go," said Alastor. "Okeydokey" said Dante.
He went along until he came outside the winding staircase. Dante flinched and jumped back. "What's wrong?" asked Alastor. "I'm not going down there," said Dante simply.
"And why the hell not?" asked Alastor in an annoyed voice.
AN: You're not just imagining it, Alastor is getting annoyed a lot in this fic, well you would too if you were in her place.
"It's dark and scary down there" said Dante. "And?" said Alastor. "And I'm afraid of the dark…" muttered Dante in an undertone.
"WHAT KIND OF HALF-DEMON ARE YOU!" shrieked Alastor. "Coconut" said Dante.
Alastor thought for a while. "How about this," she said "I'm gonna shock you non-stop until you go down there, O.K?". "No" replied Dante in a worried voice.
"Too bad" said Alastor with a hint of pleasure in her voice.
Dante was suddenly covered in electricity. "YAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!" screamed Dante. He ran down the stairs as fast as he could. He reached the door. "Good boy!" said Alastor in a happy voice that she hadn't used since she met Dante.
"Coconuts" said Dante in response. "That's your favourite word isn't it?" asked Alastor. Dante nodded, "do not underestimate the power of coconuts" he stated.
When they went out the door, Dante could've sworn that he seen a snorkel zooming around the ground. Much to his confusion, more snorkels came up to him.
"Alastor?" Dante said in a scared voice. "Yeah?" replied Alastor. "I think I've gone insane" Dante whimpered. "I thought that the moment I met you, but I think I've gone crazy as well" said Alastor.
Suddenly loads of Blades shot out of the ground. Dante screamed and jumped to the ground, hands covering his head. The Blades looked at him as though he was insane (as he might actually be) and one of them said "Dudes, this guys fcked up!".
"Yeah!" agreed another "Let's kill him, man!" They all pounced at him. Dante started crying and sniffing, and there appeared to be a dark spot in his pants.
The Blades stopped. "Whoaaaa, what's wrong with this guy?" asked the first one. "Are you ok, man?" asked the other.
Dante shook his head and continued to piss himself and cry.
"Dudes, I just lost my appetite," said a Blade. "What'll we do now?" asked one. "I know!" said another "lets all go and get stoned!".
Cheering and whooping, the Blades left.
There was silence for a while. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!" screamed Alastor.
"That," said Dante "was my plan all along! I freaked them all out so they would go away!".
Silence.
"It was!" demanded Dante.
"Suuuuure it was" said Alastor sarcastically.
"But I swea-" started Dante. "Just move on" interrupted Alastor.
Dante followed the pretty blue flames to the courtyard while singing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" while Alastor was doing the best job a sword can to cover her ears.
When they got to the courtyard, Dante stopped singing and looked up. There were platforms levitating in mid-air.
"Well," said Alastor "Up you go". Dante didn't move, he was still looking up.
"Up you go!" repeated Alastor. Dante still didn't move and he started whimpering. "Why won't you go up?" asked Alastor, for the first time since she met Dante, concerned.
"It's reeaaally high up," said Dante in a dazed voice. "Oh, no" said Alastor as she realised what was going on as she remembered what Dante said less than half an hour ago; he was afraid of heights.
Alastor gulped; she knew the only way to get him up there, and it wasn't going to be fun.
"Dante," she said in an exasperated voice "is that fire I see up there?"
The effect was immediate. In less than 10 seconds Dante managed to jump up the wall, hit the switch and jump from platform to platform all while chanting "firefirefirefire, fire is pretty, yes my precious it is, firefirefirefire" etc.
When he got to the main platform he saw the fiery thingie.
On the stool type thingie was a pair of flaming horned gloves on a pillow, wearing a sleeping cap. It was snoring.
Dante stood there admiring it for a while. Then he wondered what would happen if he woke it up. "WAKE UP!" he screamed. To Dante it seemed that the flaming gauntlets jumped. The sleeping hat fell of and the pillow burned to ashes.
The gauntlets rose into the air. A voice came from them. "I AM IFRIT! THE FOOL WHO WOKE ME UP SHALL PAY DEARLY WITH THE FIRE OF HELL!"
Dante stood there with his mouth open, drool was flowing freely out.
Ifrit was confused. "You're the one that woke me up aren't you? Cos' this must be the third time today that someone woke me up". Dante remained motionless. There was a silence. Dante realised that Ifrit was talking to him. "Coconuts" he said with a voice that suggested that Dante thought he was a genius. Ifrit looked at Alastor questioningly. "Don't bother asking" said Alastor in a bored voice. "Why the hell did he just say "Coconuts"?" asked Ifrit. "He's an idiot" replied Alastor. "But-" started Ifrit. "Don't bother asking, I don't know" said Alastor.
AN: I refer to Alastor as a female and I'm gonna refer to Ifrit as a male.
"Why the hell are you still going around with him then?" asked Ifrit.
"He comes in handy sometimes" was Alastor's reply.
"How?"
"He's Sparda's son"
"That idiot?"
"Yeah, I know, I don't think Sparda was an idiot, must've come from his mothers side"
Dante was stung by the insult directed to his mother. "Coconuts!" he said indignantly.
Ifrit and Alastor both stared at him (well, as much as two weapons can). Ifrit burned him like a Christmas turkey.
"Nice job" said Alastor appreciatively.
"Thanks, will that come in handy later?"
"All the time, that's how you get him to do what you want and let him know when he said something stupid"
"Kinda like a dog"
"Yes, but less intelligent"
Dante realised that his clothes were burning. "Pretty" he said. Then slow realisation dawned on him that burning clothes is bad. "YEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRGHH!" he yelled. He jumped off the platform and started running around, flailing his arms wildly, and screaming "FIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE!"
Meanwhile…
The mole people reached the surface with more and better equipment.
ML#1: Right, this time we will get the humans!
ML#2: We have to be careful though.
ML#1: Why? We have ten times more soldiers than last time!
ML#2: Wait a minute, what's that sound?
ML#1: Not again!
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHH!
ML#2: EARMUFFS, PEOPLE!
(All the soldiers put on earmuffs. Ten minutes later they take them off)
ML#1: Hah! Nice try, humans!
ML#2: Right, to work! FORWARD MARCH!
(The soldiers start marching forward. After a half an hours march the scouts report something funny up ahead. After a while they come in sight of Dante)
ML#1: What's that?
ML#2: It appears to be a giant man shaped flame.
ML#1: It's coming closer!
ML#2: Send the fourth squadron out there to meet it!
Captain of the fourth squad: Chaaaaaarge!
(Dante steps on all of the 4th squad without realising anything happened)
ML#1: RETREEEAAAAAT!
Back at Dante…
Dante was lying on the ground smoking. He was still yelling "fire" but it had died down to a murmur.
Ifrit was enjoying himself. "That was fun!" he said happily "let's do that again!"
"Nah" said Alastor let's get going. "Oh well" said Ifrit with a sigh.
"You know," said Alastor "It's nice to have someone intelligent to talk to".
As Alastor and Ifrit were chatting, a BIG bird teleported on top of a building nearby.
Dante's eyes widened when he saw it. Alastor screamed. Ifrit gasped.
The bird had about four heads on the one neck, but they were formed to look like one mouth. Then he spoke in a deep booming voice.
"ARE YOU THE HUMAN THAT CHALLENGES THE DARKNESS, MUNDUS?"
Dante had his mouth open in shock. "Y-you're a b-big bird" he stuttered.
The bird (his name is Griffon) got offended, as loads of people call him fat and he was not about to take crap from a mortal. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE MIGHTY GRIFFON!" he yelled.
Dante looked around him "The mighty Griffon?" he squeaked in fright "Where?".
Griffon was getting more and more annoyed by the second. He gritted his beak (since he doesn't have teeth) and tried his best to remain calm "I'm Griffon" he said in a strangely pleasant voice.
Dante burst out laughing. Ifrit and Alastor were making a futile attempt to elbow Dante, failing because they didn't have elbows.
Griffon got completely pissed off.
"You can't be Griffon!" Dante said between fits of laughter.
"And why not?" snapped Griffon, his anger becoming more and more evident.
"You're too fat!" said Dante. Griffon snapped.
"THAT'S IT!" he roared "YOU DIE NOW!"
And so the fight begun.
Griffon blasted wave after wave of electricity at Dante, who was dodging by using his famous battle manoeuvre "running in circles like a complete idiot" which was working well. After a while the electricity was getting closer and closer to Dante. Suddenly a blast hit Dante. Griffon smiled to himself. Dante's eyes watered. Alastor realised what happened. "Oh crap" she murmured. "What?" asked Ifrit. "You'll find out soon enough," she replied "and it won't be pretty, Griffon should say his prayers now".
The electricity frizzed Dante's hair up.
Inside Dante's Head
The two braincells that Dante had were playing table tennis.
Suddenly they both started screaming.
Braincell#1: Aaaaaargh! NOT AGAIN!
Braincell#2: Duh, we should kill whoever done this!
Braincell#1: Uhh, agreed!
AN: They're saying "duh" and "Uhh" because they're what make Dante an idiot.
Back outside…
Griffon and Ifrit had no idea what was going on.
Suddenly Dante devil-triggered (using Ifrit) and took out Ebony & Ivory.
Dante spoke with a voice that seemed to echo. "YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" he roared. He fired, shooting flaming bullets at Griffon.
What was really surprising everyone was the fact that the bullets weren't missing.
With a shrill screech Griffon struck Dante with his wings. Dante was sent flying back into the wall. He lay there for a while.
Silence.
Dante got up, no longer flaming. His eyes were back to normal. He put his hair back in place. Griffon took this as a chance to beat the living crap out of Dante.
Griffon continued to beat Dante up for a while. Dante wasn't even fighting back.
After a really nasty blow Dante was sent flying back again.
He was badly bruised and he was bleeding in places he didn't like to think about.
"Come on!" groaned Alastor. "Fight back or you'll get your ass kicked even worse!" said Ifrit.
"Forget it," said Alastor with a defeated voice "he won't survive the next ten minutes"
Suddenly Dante opened his eyes and he had a grin on his face. "I already told you, Alastor" he said as he got up "not to underestimate the power of…" he searched through his backpack, he took out a certain hairy fruit, using Ifrit he ignited it and with all his strength he threw it at Griffon, "COCONUTS!" he yelled, finishing his earlier sentence. Griffon flew off, shrieking.
"I can't believe it Dante," said Alastor in a shocked voice "you actually beat him!"
"I know," said Dante in a proud voice "I'm just that good". "Seriously though Dante" said Alastor "Phantom was an idiot, but Griffon? You must be smarter than I thought!"
"Huh?" asked Dante in a dull voice while he was picking his nose.
"Forget I said anything," said Alastor.
Dante walked up to the door that needs you to set the bit to the right of it on fire. He tried to open it. It wouldn't budge. "Why won't it open?" he asked.
Ifrit sighed. "Look there," he said in a slow voice so that Dante would understand "there's a flame here, but not there, what do you think you have to do?".
Dante thought for a while. After a while his face put on a puzzled look. "I have to dance around the door while singing "Zip-de-dee-do-da"? How will that open the door?" he asked.
Alastor shocked him the hardest she ever did while Ifrit burned him. Ifrit did Dante a favour and set a fire on the side of the door, opening it.
Dante walked in. He found himself in the misty forest thingie. He was just about to open the door out of there when he heard a voice. "NOT SO FAST!" it said.
"OK" said Dante. He turned to the door and tried to open it as if he was in slow motion. "JUST STOP!" came the voice again.
Dante turned to see who was speaking. Kermit the frog was coming towards him. Dante gasped. "Y-you're dead!" he yelled in a shocked voice. "No-one can kill the Muppets!" said Kermit "We will just be super-glued back together!"
Miss Piggy walked up beside him "We have someone that's dying to meet you!" she said "BRING HIM IN, BOYS"
Dante squinted his eyes. Coming in from the distance was a figure that Dante recognised as the figure that terrified him as a child, the figure that starred in the horror film that he wasn't meant to see at his age. It was Chuckie the clown.
Dante started backing up in terror. Chuckie came closer, grinning. Dante knew he had to do something. Just before Chuckie swiped at him with his weapon, Dante fired up Ifrit and hit Chuckie as hard as he could. Chuckie went on fire. He started screaming and running away into the night (actually it was day, but this sounds cooler).
The Muppets gulped. "RUN!" yelled Kermit. All the Muppets went through the door that Dante previously tried to open. Dante ran after them, laughing maniacally.
The God of Time was behind the door. "YOU!" he shrieked as soon as he saw Dante.
"I want to buy some moves" said Dante. "Tough!" replied the God of time.
"I have lots of money," said Dante. "Forgive and forget is what I always say!" said the God in a sudden change of heart. Dante then bought all the moves for Ifrit (and of course some more shiny things).
He walked out of the little room he was in. The Muppets were hiding behind some gravestones. Dante narrowed his eyes. "Let's get it on!" he yelled.
Using Alastor and Ifrit he killed them all, getting lots of shiny things. Dante was overjoyed; he was combining some of his favourite things in life together; fire, shiny things and violence.
His teeth chattered as he killed some more Muppets as he chanted "fireshinyfireshinyfireshiny!" in a continuous loop. He opened the door that let out a lot of wind.
Mission Complete
Time: 01:32
Orbs: A Hell of a Lot, I Stopped Counting
Ranking: B
Saving…
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Another chapter finished. I'm not sure, but I think that this is my longest chapter so far.
Don't forget to tell me which of the three stories listed at the top of the fic you want. Also, please don't forget to invite me to a C2 community!
Anyway, I can't stress this out enough, if you have any ideas TELL ME so I can put it in, Anonymous or not.