Merry Christmas!
I finally realised that I don't have to write a disclaimer before every chapter (YAY!)
Anyway, the last chapter sucked so much because I rushed it because I hadn't updated in ages (either that or I just plain suck at this) and I apologise for that.
Surprise, the fonts weren't deleted because of the notepad, I thought that they would be (I think FF did too).
I've finally decided that the next story that I'll be doing will be one where Dante and Vergil team together. You may think something along the lines of "Oh no, not another one" but I've been thinking about this one for ages and it shouldn't suck as bad as this one.
I took some time to read over my chapters already done and found countless mistakes and grammar errors, with a few bad jokes and some good ones that got messed up. So, thank you for you're patience.
Since you probably didn't bother reading all this (I wouldn't!) here's the eight chapter of Yet Another DMC Parody.
Ch. 8: Brothers, Birds and Armbands
Mission 11: Fate: Obtain the Chalice
Dante took a look around the giant greenhouse that he just entered.
It featured plants and streams and other pleasant things… and a blood thirsty monster ready to tear him limb from limb.
This one was new. It was a Death Scythe, deadly and it wasn't distracted by men or drugs, unlike all the other monsters encountered so far.
But most of all, it was competent. BUM BUM BUUUUMMMMM.
It was speeding towards Dante as fast as it could, scythe at the ready.
Dante still hadn't noticed it and was still looking around the greenhouse.
Just a short while to go and Dante would be history…
Dante finally noticed the Death Scythe and he started waving at it.
The Death Scythe roared in retaliation, preparing itself for the kill.
Dante roared back.
The Death Scythe stopped; this was weird. Normally when it roared, its target would become terrified. It shrugged its shoulders and continued speeding towards Dante.
Dante thought that the DS was trying to give him a hug, since his brain couldn't comprehend anything more complex than a peanut.
The Death Scythe's scythe was just about to make contact with Dante's neck when Dante put his arms tightly around the DS in a bear hug.
This made the DS seriously and utterly confused. This was not normal behaviour. The prey was definitely NOT supposed to hug him.
When Dante let go Alastor and Ifrit gave serious burns and shocks.
"KILL HIM, GODDAMIT!" shrieked Alastor.
"Why?" asked Dante innocently?
"Did you not notice the dirty great scythe that thing was holding?" Ifrit answered, "IT WAS TRYING TO KILL YOU, NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOU!"
The DS had had enough. From what it could see, the human was having a conversation with itself. (Alastor and Ifrit are only speaking with Dante in his head)
It floated away, beginning its search for a psychiatrist.
Dante saw the well, and his first reaction was to jump in.
He dived in swimmers style; hands clasped together as if in prayer and were held out in front of him as he fell face forward.
However, it was not water that greeted Dante's face. Unfortunately it was solid ground. Painful.
Dante was knocked unconscious by the impact.
Alastor and Ifrit were stuck there bored for a few hours, as their usual source of entertainment was Dante almost killing himself at every turn.
Eventually, Alastor gave Dante's brain a jump start (actually, a microscopic battery had enough power to give Dante's brain a jump start)
Dante immediately rose with a "miaow" (don't ask why) and was ready.
But not ready enough for the Blade that was right behind him.
I enjoy putting Dante through serious pain. It's just a hobby, nothing personal.
Ifrit and Alastor winced as Dante was getting pulverised.
Unfortunately, Dante's screams alerted even more Blades, which were more than happy to join the fun.
After a while the Blades got tired and left Dante for a while, starting a chat about flowers (they're really just softies beneath the skin) leaving Dante some time to get up from the ground.
"Why won't you fight back?" asked Alastor.
"What'll I use as a weapon?" replied Dante as he brushed some dirt off his coat.
There was a silence.
ZZZZAAAAAPPPPPP!
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?" yelled Ifrit.
Getting the message, Dante equipped Ifrit, then devil-triggered.
Dante's pupils grew to an unnatural size.
"What now?" moaned Alastor, who was getting seriously tired of this.
"I-I'm…" Dante started.
"What? You're what!" asked Alastor heatedly.
"On fiiiiire! Pretty fire!" said Dante happily (and creepily).
He started playing around with the fire. The Blades stopped chatting and noticed the supposedly dead freak that was suddenly ignited and laughing maniacally.
Dante managed to make a soccer ball sized meteor from his fist. "Cooool!" he chanted. He threw it into the air and started kicking it around.
The Blades were astonished. Not only was this human (or so they thought) still alive, but he was on fire and kicking a ball of flame around like a football.
"Wanna play?" asked Dante pleasantly. He passed it to one of the Blades.
Or tried to, at least. He was never any good at football.
The meteor hit against the wall, then bounced towards the crowd of Blades, making Impact with a Blade's skull, then ricochet back at the wall, back to another Blade, then back again. "Oops" muttered Dante.
It was actually quite entertaining, watching the meteor go back and forth, colliding with Blades.
Soon all that was left was a pile of ashes.
"For once, you're complete lack of skill came in handy" said Ifrit.
They went on, and came to the crack in the wall, and met a familiar face.
The God of Time. Who, burst into tears upon seeing Dante.
"There, there" said Dante comfortingly while patting the god's back "I know what's wrong."
"You do?" replied the god, genuinely interested "I didn't think that you knew anything!"
"Yeah, of course," said Dante "it's not you're fault that you're a pathetic nerd! Someday a girl will come along, until then you'll just have to work on your hygiene problems!"
The god went red in the face.
"I don't have problems with girls, it's just that I'm so sick of you always-" he started.
Dante burst out laughing, cutting him off.
"You're in denial!" he laughed " I knew from moment I met you that you were a self absorbed geek!"
The god's face was now a deep shade of scarlet.
"You've got it all wrong-"
Dante put his face closer to the god's ears.
"Let me tell you a secret" he whispered "the secret to getting a girl is to fix whatever problems you have, and you're problem is that you're a nerd and you smell bad, so you just have to-"
"Stop it!" the god managed to blurt out "I don't know how the conversation managed to go this way, but-"
"And you have dental issues!" continued Dante, unaware that the god said anything "You just have to get something done with that! And by the way, you have to stop this "reading" business that you do, it'll get to your brain"
"Seriously, shut up!" the God was really annoyed and he didn't know why Dante had even started this conversation "and I don't have problems with women, I'm-"
"You're gay?" Dante cut in "Ohhh, right! Well, I suppose part of me always noticed that, then you're going on fine, there's definitely a gay aura coming off you-"
"SHUT UP! I'M NOT GAY AND THE REASON THAT I WAS UPSET WAS BECAUSE I LOATHE YOU MORE THAN IT THOUGHT WAS POSSIBLE!" shrieked the God.
"You love me more than you thought was possible?" Dante said in an understanding tone "I'm sorry, but I like women, besides, I'm out of you're league!"
The God was just about to strike Dante with a bolt of lightning when Dante had just left. That's his talent, to annoy then disappear.
Soon Dante came across the sign of chastity.
"What the hell is this?" he asked "I've never seen anything remotely like this!"
"Well, maybe that's because you don't have one!" Ifrit remarked.
"What is it though?" Dante asked again.
"It's called a brain" Alastor answered in an "I give up" voice.
Dante shook his head slowly "Never heard of it. Is it famous or something?"
Alastor and Ifrit sighed loudly in unison. "Never mind, just pick it up and lets get going…"
Dante shrugged his shoulders and picked it up. With that he left and set off towards the giant door that led to the holder of the sign.
When he arrived there, he put the sign in.
Just kidding. Before he did, he noticed a caterpillar on a nearby leaf and spent a half hour staring at it, poking it now and then, and whispering love poems to it.
Eventually Ifrit set it on fire, which made Dante cry and start complaining about things like "true love" and "people like Ifrit and Alastor standing in it's way", and finally, complaining about "coconuts", which had nothing got to do with what just happened.
Anyway, when he did eventually put the sign in, electricity ran around Dante.
Dante took a look around. At first nothing seemed to be there, but on a further inspection, Dante noticed a strange silhouette on top of a mound of stone just above the opposite door.
But the weird thing was, why Dante needed a further inspection; it was broad daylight and there were barely any clouds in the sky. Alastor and Ifrit were wondering why Dante hadn't reacted yet. In fact, he was already getting his ass kicked without realising anything.
Alastor gave him a zap.
Dante suddenly noticed the familiar knight looking at him strangely.
"Hi Vergil!" said Dante.
Vergi… ahem, the knight shook his head furiously and waved both hands to signal that Dante should stop something.
"Ooh! I love this game!" said Dante excitedly, "Charades!"
The knight slapped himself on the head, Dante really was too much of an idiot.
"Hand!" stated Dante, "No, wait! I have it! He's saying… Hit, hit… hit hand! Hand hit! Damn, I'm close, I can feel it!"
The knight jumped up and down in anger.
"Jump! Hit jump!" Dante kept on guessing, "Rabbit! Rabbit hit! Hand rabbit! Aargh! I can do this!"
The knight decided that it would be best if he just started killing Dante then.
With a swing of his sword, the knight sent Dante flying into the nearest wall.
"Donnie… Darko… Cough" Dante choked weakly.
The Knight roared in anger and fired one of his light blasts at Dante.
Dante coughed up some blood.
"Vergil…" he croaked weakly, "why are you doing this, bro?"
The knight stomped his foot roughly on the ground and charged at Dante, sword bared.
"Vergil, please answer me!" Dante pressed on, making the knight stop.
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" the knight yelled. There was a pause.
The knight slapped his hand over his mouth.
"AHA!" Dante yelled in triumph, "you CAN still talk!"
"Aargh!" the knight roared, "YOU IDIOT! Can't you see that I'm not supposed to talk?"
"But-" Dante inquired " You always used to be able to talk, Verge"
The knight threw a fit of silent anger.
"I'm getting so sick of you calling me that!" he said.
"But that's you're name! Vergil!" Dante said.
The knight paused for a moment with a blank look on his face. After a while the blank look went away.
He looked at Dante. "YOU IDIOT! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I WAS SUFFERING FROM AMNESIA, CAUSED FROM MY MASTER? THANKS TO YOU IT'S GONE AND I'LL HESITATE TO KILL YOU AND FAIL MY MISSION!"
Dante had a shocked expression on his face. That was actually a fake, he acted it so that Vergil wouldn't notice that he wasn't listening. He was, in fact, in a daydream, featuring bunnies and grassy fields and smiling flowers while he ate a coconut.
The bunnies and the flowers all died when Vergil slashed Dante.
Dante became angry; he was enjoying that coconut. He gripped Alastor tightly, raising her slightly in the air in an upper stance, preparing himself for one of the few proper fights he will ever have in his lifetime.
Well, it could have been proper if he hadn't messed it up and made himself look like an even bigger idiot than usual.
"Emm, Dante?" Vergil asked.
"What!" Dante answered hotly.
"Your fly's open."
"Oh," Dante said as his face went a deep crimson colour.
When Dante closed it, Vergil took it as a chance to slash at him repeatedly.
Dante ducked in time to prevent any injury, though his hair got a #3 haircut.
Alastor and Ifrit gasped.
Vergil went white.
Dante was crouching over his chopped hairs, which littered the ground like white grass.
Vergil chanced to move a little closer to Dante when nothing happened for a while.
When he was just about to hit Dante, he was blown back by a powerful blast of air. Vergil hit the wall. "What the-" his voice was cut off by the noise of the wind.
Dante got up, one eye a deep shade of blue, the other red. The air around him was blurred. Both Ifrit and Alastor were activated, Dante was gripping Alastor with Ifrit on his hands. Which was a painful experience for both, but that didn't matter just then.
He took a step closer to Vergil.
Vergil gulped. "I'm not gonna fight him like this!" he murmured to himself. "You beat me fair and square, I'm dying!" he said to Dante.
As he said that he faked a blow to the stomach and gave himself cuts all around his body with his sword to make it look like he fought Dante; how was Mundus supposed to know?
"I failed, you win!" he said. Dante growled.
"I'M OUTTA HERE!" yelled Vergil as he blasted away.
Dante returned to normal (well, I wouldn't call him normal) and had a hurt look on his face. "My hair…" he whimpered.
Alastor and Ifrit exchanged looks. This would put Dante in a bad mood for the rest of the journey and he was most likely going to take it out on them.
But, luckily enough, Dante always kept a wig in his pocket.
He cheered up and spent a half an hour climbing up to the crevice where the knight thing was kept.
When he got up there he realised that there was an escalator going up that would have taken him up there in two minutes.
After muttering curses to himself, Dante walked up to the knight shaped stand.
"Now what've I got to do?" asked Dante.
"Hmm, I don't know!" said Alastor sarcastically "there's an indent in it perfectly the same shape as the chalice that you just got"
"You're right!" Dante said "It IS a tricky puzzle!"
Alastor groaned. "Let me try" said Ifrit.
Ifrit cleared his throat.
"Well, Dante" he said loudly "it couldn't have anything to do with that chalice you just got. After all, it is the perfect shape to hold it."
Dante thought about this.
"I know," he said eventually "that's what they probably want you to do."
"I give up" he told Alastor.
At that exact moment and time, there was a battalion of mole people just after surfacing beside Dante's shoe.
ML#1: Right, this time we can't possibly fail!
ML#2: Yes, this time we'll… (he notices Dante)… Wait a minute. Isn't that the human from last time?
ML#1: It looks like him alright.
ML#2: We should kill him now and get him out of our way.
ML#1: Right. (signals the nearest captain) Tell all the soldiers to fire at will!"
Captain: All ranks, FIRE AT WILL!
(All the mole people start firing at Dante with their minuscule weapons.
"Ow!" Dante said suddenly.
"What now?" Ifrit asked rudely.
"I got a sting!" Dante complained "It wasn't too bad, it was-OW! I got another one!"
"Probably just a wasp" Alastor said, dismissing the matter.
"A wasp?" Dante whimpered.
Alastor nodded.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! GETITOFFMEGETOFFMEGETITOFFMEGETITOFFMEEEEEEEE!"
He screamed, flailing his arms wildly.
The sudden movement managed to send the chalice flying out of his pockets, which landed on the stand.
With a blast of light, the chalice and stand connected, making a nearby door open.
The blast of light also temporarily blinded the mole people, which meant that they didn't see the giant figure dancing wildly around close to them.
The light didn't temporarily blind Dante, but put his eyes out of focus. He tripped over and landed on the mole people.
This happened just before the mole people's sight came back.
The last thing that they saw was Dante's large ass coming down on them.
"Mother" they all whimpered in unison.
There was a squelching sound as if an insect had been swatted with a newspaper.
"Get up!" Alastor demanded impatiently.
Dante obediently rose and walked towards the now open door.
Mission Complete
Time: 02:51
Orbs: 1057
Devil Hunter Ranking: A
Saving……
Mission 12: Ghost Ship: Board the Ship of the Dead
Dante was standing in a narrow corridor.
What he suddenly realised was that he had claustrophobia. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he charged down the corridor, Alastor and Ifrit hung on for dear life.
A battalion of Muppets were waiting for him down the corridor, ready for revenge.
Suddenly a loud scream cut through the silence.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
The Muppets were obliterated by the awesome power coming from the volume of his voice.
Dante took little notice from this and continued running and screaming, taking a blind eye to everything that was in front of him, charging through them if they got in his way.
There soon came a sharp turn in the corridor. Dante still wasn't paying any attention to what was in front of him.
CRASH!
Instead of pummelling his face against the wall and breaking his skull, the wall was the one who suffered.
Dante continued charging mindlessly while screaming and bashing through walls and objects.
I could keep telling the story like this, but it would be much easier if I just gave you the list of smashed items caused by Dante:
A brick wall,
A door,
A Muppet,
A table with some chairs,
Into the skipper of a boat, which just started sailing,
(runs around in circles until the boat reaches land again)
A signpost,
A car in the middle of the road,
A car on the other side of the road,
A shop's door that wasn't automatic enough to dodge Dante,
A shelf full of cutlery,
A teenager that makes some money from working in the shop,
An old lady doing her shopping,
Another brick wall,
An electric fence (which gave him a painful shock),
Some attack dogs,
A few sentry guards,
A brick wall,
Some bodyguards,
A mob leader that owns the place he just smashed up,
The camera people and news lady that was trying to interview him for stopping the mob who just murdered a mayor,
A wooden wall,
Into the skipper of a boat which replaced the old one,
(running around in circles again until boat reaches Mallet island again)
Through some more brick walls,
Through a bunch of Blades,
(Right past a very confused looking Mundus)
Through some more brick walls,
Through the wall of the ghost ship.
Dante then skidded to a halt, out of breath. Alastor and Ifrit were both wide eyed with their mouths wide open. Dante wiped the dirt off his jacket (with the dog that still had it's mouth clamped firmly on his ass and the old lady's wig) and took a look around.
He was in what looked like an old abandoned wooden ship.
There was a hole in the floor nearby that was filled with water.
There was a pile of chests filled with treasure by the wall. "Cooool!" he said appreciatively "I'm on a pirate ship!".
He took a bandanna of the ground, wore it as a hat and put a black piece of paper over his eye.
"Aarrrr!" he grunted "shiver me timbers!".
He looked at Alastor and Ifrit. "Away wi' ye me buckoes! I'm of to get some rum!" He said happily.
There was a pause.
Alastor shocked him.
Learning his lesson, Dante went up the stairs. A pair of Blades awaited him there.
Dante was about to cower childishly in the corner while waiting for death to come when he noticed something behind the Blades, on the other side of the room.
He wasn't sure what it was, but it was shiny.
The Blades were just about to pounce on him when Dante started charging towards them. They exchanged worried glances; they had no idea why he had suddenly charged at them, but the hungry look in Dante's eyes gave them an idea.
They thought he was going to eat them. They tried to leap out of the way when Dante collided with them. He shoved them roughly out of his way to see what the shiny thing was.
The Blades smashed into the wall, knocking them out.
Dante picked up the shiny thing. It was a new weapon, a needle gun.
Dante then noticed the pool of water. He put his toe cautiously in the water to test it. He immediately pulled it back with a squeak.
"What's wrong, you big sissy?" asked Ifrit.
"I don't have armbands with me" Dante replied.
"So?" Alastor asked.
"I can't swim" Dante murmured quietly.
"What was that?" Alastor enquired.
"I can't swim" Dante repeated a little louder.
Alastor restrained a laugh, what came out was a low growl.
Ifrit on the other hand (quite literally) was not amused.
"SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS! WHAT KIND OF HALF-DEMON ARE YOU!"
Dante sniffled and pretended he didn't hear Ifrit. Even though the deaf old lady ten miles away probably heard him.
Dante walked up the next flight of stairs and came outside.
He looked up and saw the two shiny swords forming an "X" on the door to the captains quarters.
He almost flew up to the door. He tried to open it but it was stuck.
A voice started speaking in Dante's head about "protecting the ship" and likewise, but Dante wasn't paying attention.
He was too busy burning the door down with Ifrit. He actually managed to succeed, burning the Death Scythe behind it alive in the process.
The ship suddenly lurched forwards, knocking Dante onto the floor.
He walked back outside and found the reason of the sudden lurch; the ship was moving. It was moving up and down and up and down again.
Which made Dante seasick. Right on the deck, beside the wheel.
Griffon chose this as a good time to attack Dante. He flew in quietly behind Dante, without any notice.
Dante finished getting sick and stood up straight, wiping his mouth.
Griffon couldn't resist. He put his many beaks right up to Dante's ear.
"BOO!" Griffon shrieked as loud as he possibly could.
Dante jumped. When I say jumped, I mean JUMPED!
Dante was clinging on to one of the sails for dear life with a face as white as snow
Griffon was in hysterics with laughter, he was on his back flailing his limbs about and tears were pouring out of his eyes.
As Griffon attempted to get up, he slipped on Dante's sick, sending him back onto the deck and making him bump his head on the wheel, knocking him out.
Dante let go of the sails, and stuck his leg out, which was suddenly set on fire thanks to Ifrit.
Dante hit Griffon, setting him on fire.
Dante got the smell of chicken cooking in his nose and he enjoyed it. He got a sudden urge to put a spit through Griffon and eat him. Which he then tried doing.
Griffon woke to feel a sharp pain in his side and smoke all around him. He looked at where the pain was coming from. There was Dante, trying to impale him with an oversized spit. Griffon also realised that he was on fire.
With a loud shriek Griffon flew off, which looked like a comet through the sky.
-All the way over to the nearest country-
A little boy was holding up a shopkeeper while a riot ensued outside.
The shopkeeper looked up. He saw Griffon and thought that it was a shooting star.
Make a wish he thought. He wished that the little kid would go away.
The little boy hit him with a double-barrelled shotgun. "Qwit yow'r daydweaming and put de money in the bag!" he demanded.
The shopkeeper gulped and closed his eyes.
Suddenly a woman's voice cut through the air. "Benny, time to go home, sweetie!"
The little boy pursed his lips "Aww! Mom! I don't wanna go home!"
"Now, now, sugarplum!" the voice came again "you have to get you're dinner!"
The little boy sulked and ran off. The shopkeeper sighed and wiped the sweat from his forehead.
-Back at Dante-
Dante walked through the hollow space where the door used to be while his stomach growled.
Mission Complete
Time: 00:45
Orbs:506
Devil Hunter Ranking: D
Saving……
There goes another chapter, which I think is the longest so far, but it didn't seem to take that long.
Anyway, you'll notice the new plan I have for the Author's notes at the beginning and ending of the chapter. I hope it works out better than the other ones did.
Well, I have a Christmas break now, so I'll have a lot more time to write these chapters, so be expecting another one soon.
Until, then, see ya!