Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry, the Muppets, the Matrix or any of their characters.
I'm back! Sorry I took so long, but I already told you, this is gonna take a while.
You may notice the changes to the summary of this fic. It says "Joe" because the my pen name is shared by two people. We'll go by the nicknames "Joe" and "Gromit". (I'm Joe). In case you were wondering, Gromit is the friend of mine mentioned in ch4. He was the person obsessed with shiny things. (The inspiration for Dante's obsession for shiny things). I'll take this as a chance to advertise for my friends fic. Read "DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOME POINT, DAMMIT!" it's brilliant!
I noticed that I made the last chapter too wide, that was a little mistake that won't happen again, you can trust me… actually you can't, but that's not the point! And sorry about the time it took to write this chapter, I'm getting less time to write this.
Anyway, I think that I'm putting the missions in wrongly, so don't bother telling me.
I can't think pf anything else to say, so here's the next chapter to Yet Another DMC Parody.
Chapter 9: Southern Fried Chicken With Sprinkles
-Under the Earths Crust-
Inside the military hospital:
ML#1: I don't think that we'll ever get those humans (cough), I give up!
ML#2: Don't say that! The humans have to have some sort of weakness.
ML#1: You're right! All we need is a few of our most advanced weapons and we should have the upper hand!
Ml#2: This time the humans will pay!
Mole Nurse: Oh, my mole god! They're delirious!
Mole Doctor: Time to inject them with a few of these (takes out sinister looking syringes and injects them with them)
ML#1: Lalalalalala! Happy place! I love everyone!
M Doctor: Oops, wrong syringe!
M Nurse: Who cares? Just give them a few weapons and send them back up, they'll be fine.
(The mole soldiers are sent back up with better weapons and very light heads)
Mission 13: Abyss: Escape from the Wreckage.
Dante took a look around the room he was in. It had beer bottles on the floor that must have been there for centuries, there was a map with an "X" on it, and there was a large desk with a skeleton sitting with it's feet up on it.
Dante didn't really care that there was a skeleton on a desk or anything else remotely interesting in the room at that particular moment, what he DID care about was the bottles of beer scattered around the room.
He spent the next ten minutes guzzling down all the beer bottles and anything else that looked remotely like a beer bottle. Unfortunately this involved him drinking an entire bottle of rat poison. He spent the next half an hour retching and puking all over the floor. He didn't learn his lesson. He went back to drinking all the bottles on the floor.
Another half hour was spent puking all over the floor.
Dante actually learned a lesson. He began to check the labels before drinking anything. Eventually, he got pissed and started singing out of tune and dancing awkwardly.
He finally noticed the staff of Hermes. He picked it up and took a look at it.
"Swah siss?" he asked (translated: "what's this").
Alastor and Ifrit exchanged worried looks.
"It's a staff" Ifrit answered.
"Whah?" Dante said in a confused tone, "I don't have "hic" a busyness! Whah wud I want "hic" staff?" (translation: What? I don't have a business! Why would I want staff?")
Alastor was about to shock him when the ship suddenly rocked forwards. Water started pouring into the room.
"Ah didn't doo it!" Dante exclaimed (translation: "I didn't do it")
Water was now up to Dante's waist. Dante put on a crooked grin.
"Ah gess thah ah'll have te go fer a swim!" (translation: I guess that I'll have to go for a swim")
He put his head under and took a look around. He saw the vent in the bottom corner. Out of impulse he swam through it.
Two Blades with weird looking hats noticed Dante and started speeding towards him. A siren started booming out of the hats and blue and red lights beamed out with the siren.
They forced Dante to swim across a straight line while gurgling the alphabet. Dante failed and was forced to go with them due to drinking and diving (kill me).
Dante shot one of them and swum away frantically while the other Blade chased after him.
The Blade attempted to call for back up and the radio sent a shock through the water, instantly killing him.
The curse lifted, letting Dante through. There was another Blade with a siren helmet on the other side. Dante didn't take any hesitation in killing him.
Dante then tried to swim through to the hole in the side in the ship. What came out though, was a flimsy retarded version of the doggy paddle that would have put any doggy involved in the doggy paddle to shame.
Dante still made it out, no matter how stupid he looked. Kinda like everything else Dante did in life, he managed it but he looked a complete idiot in the process.
Mission Complete
Time: 01:13:45
Orbs: 203
Saving……
Dante dragged himself out of the pool of water, still pissed.
"Ah!" he said groggily, "ah'm wesh awll ovah!" (translation: Ah! I'm wet all over!)
Alastor and Ifrit hadn't a clue what he just said. Alastor was about to shock him when Ifrit suddenly set him on fire, forgetting that Dante was still filled with alcohol.
BANG!
Dante was surrounded by dark mist. A large sign appeared in front of him, scaring the crap out of him. It read: Try Again.
Dante's face was screwed up in fear "O.K! I'll do it, just don't hurt me!"
A picture of a giant golden face appeared. The gold face shattered.
Dante squealed. !"NO NO NOT MY FACE!" he screamed "ANYTHING BUT THE FACE!"
Dante was suddenly back beside the boat. He didn't notice the change in environment. He was still huddled up, screaming "not the face"
Two Muppets were staring at Dante as if he was an idiot (well, he actually WAS an idiot)
Dante noticed this and stood up. "Ahem" he cleared his throat and tried to get back whatever dignity he had.
One of the Muppets sniggered. Dante got insulted by this and shot it. The other Muppet got the message and ran away. Dante walked on (he was still drunk so he couldn't notice the embarrassment) and came through the door to start the next mission.
Mission 14: Deepness, Darkness and Mountains, oh my: I can't think up anything to say
Dante strolled casually down the curved room when a pair of sin-pervs snuck up on him from behind. With a well placed swing of their scythes, they swished their weapon clean through the place where his hair should have been. They didn't get the reaction that they were expecting. Instead of Dante's hair being cut neatly off, a wig fell on the ground.
Dante froze in his tracks. Ifrit de-frosted him (hangs self with rope).
He turned around and noticed that his wig was suddenly on the floor and that there were two gay ghosts behind him.
The pervs were shocked. "Sorry!" Alastor apologised (dead self comes back and multiplies; "you can't stop me, Mr. Anderson, your doom is inevitable!)(I really have to stop these puns!)
They thought that Dante had a perfect head of hair (that the minions of Mundus seem to enjoy messing up).
Dante had a dignified look on his face as he swiped his wig off the ground while muttering "coconuts". The pervs had never seen anything (in their opinion) so horrible.
"Man was not meant to lose hair!" one shrieked as it followed the other one away.
Ifrit burst out laughing, "That's a new one!" he stated. Alastor filled in a new space in a diary that was labelled "Encyclopaedia idiotica: Dante". "Hmm," she murmured as she scribbled it down "gay enemies scared off by bad hairstyle". "Encyclopaedia retardica: Dante" was about the size of a Chinese phonebook, even though all the writing in it was tiny (Alastor was being careful about fitting all of Dante's idiotic incidents in it). Ifrit was still laughing "you know, Dante, next time an enemy comes up, you can just scare it off with your bad hairstyle!"
Dante got insulted, as his most prized possession was his hair. Dante then attempted to start beating Ifrit. What he forgot, was that Ifrit was on his hands.
Dante was punching the air for quite some time, when Ifrit told him to stop.
"Heh, heh!" Dante said triumphantly "it's working!".
"No!" said Ifrit "seriously, stop!"
"Plead all you like, I won't stop until you I get payback!"
"Dante, stop before you hurt yourself!"
"you don't sound so tough now, do you!"
"Dante, stop, before you embarrass yourself"
"I wouldn't talk about embarrassment if I was getting my ass kicked!"
"Dante, you're not hurting me"
"like I'll believe that, I'm not stupid you know!"
Alastor was scribbling crazily on the Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante.
Half an hour later Alastor and Ifrit gave up and seriously hurt Dante.
Sniffling, Dante moved on to the skeleton on the wall.
He noticed the extremely shiny shield and snatched it from the skeletons hands. He then rubbed it and polished it while whispering to it.
Dante pocketed it and took a look at the skeleton. The arm looked like it would move. Dante realised that he needed to do something. Alastor and Ifrit exchanged glances; Dante had just thought of something that would actually be of use. Dante shook the skeletons hand. Alastor and Ifrit groaned in unison.
Alastor shocked Dante, somehow managing to make him pull his arm back, activating the lever.
The floor started moving and spikes randomly erupted from the floor. Dante shrugged his shoulders and walks on (Alastor adds this to the Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante)
By the time Dante reached the exit, he was severely bleeding and cut in places where the sun don't shine.
Dante reached the area beside the waterfall. When he caught sight of it, he whimpered. Seizing their chance, Alastor and Ifrit forced him under it. Dante screamed his hollow head off when the water made contact with him.
"Wow," exclaimed Ifrit.
"I know," Alastor agreed "I never seen anyone so reluctant to take a shower!"
When the bad smell washed away, Alastor and Ifrit let him out. Dante was silent for a while; he wasn't talking to Alastor and Ifrit. No one was complaining; This was only an improvement.
Dante realised this and tried pressing on (and started talking again). He noticed a glimmer from near the top of the waterfall. He climbed up there, stone by stone, inch by inch. Dante eventually reached the top and picked up the shiny yellow face. After a while of nurturing it and kissing it, Dante took a look around. He temporarily forgot about his fear of heights.
"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!" he sang loudly as he jumped off the edge of the cliff. Thanks to his inhumanity, he actually managed to remain airborne for a while. Halfway through the air he remembers his fear of heights.
"YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. He started flailing his arms wildly in a futile attempt to stay airborne. He suddenly started falling slowly from mid-air.
Alastor and Ifrit were having a field day adding to the Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante. Dante's face mushed against the ground. He raised his head slowly. He was immediately cheered up by the shiny blue thing that was right in front of him. He picked it up and started serenaded it with his ukulele. Alastor and Ifrit had to buy more paper to record it.
When Dante walked through the hole in the cliff wall a familiar face returned. A black form quickly swept up the mountainside.
"SPRINKLES!" Dante screamed in joy.
Ifrit raised an eyebrow.
"The shadow he neutered" Alastor said indifferently. Ifrit nodded.
Sprinkles sensed an enemy and started attacking.
"He remembers me!" Dante exclaimed excitedly.
Sprinkles did, in fact remember Dante, and started attacking more ferociously.
"Aww!" Dante said "look at him he's so cute! Aww! Look at the way he's hissing at me! He's the nicest cat in the world. Look at what he's doing now! Aww! He's so cute when he sharpens his claws! And he's cute when he tries to kill me like he is now! Awwwww-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHH!"
Alastor and Ifrit were running out of paper again.
After a while Dante actually managed to win the fight, even though he wasn't necessarily "fighting". Basically he screamed until Sprinkles felt sympathetic and stopped killing him.
When Sprinkles turned his back on Dante, Dante took back out his trusty saddle and treated Sprinkles like a horse again.
"Bad Sprinkles!" Dante said in a fatherly voice as he put some rope around Sprinkles mouth and body to make reins.
Dante rode Sprinkles right through the destination and into the courtyard filled with Muppets.
"Sic' em, boy!" Dante bellowed. The Muppets exchanged glances. The ride was extremely uncomfortable for Dante as Sprinkles changed form every now and then to kill a Muppet. Soon Dante was bleeding. But he wasn't aware of this and was still laughing, but every now and then his childish cackle would sound mysteriously like "Ow".
Dante managed to unseal the door.
Mission Complete
Time: 01: 12: 52
Orbs: 000
Devil Hunter Ranking: D
Mission 15: Wheel of Destiny: Use a Pair of Lances to Conquer the Coliseum
Dante was still on top of Sprinkles when he reached the main courtyard. Two of the huge spiders decided that now would be the best time to attack Dante. They were wrong. When Dante first came into their sight, they were confused; how did the so called "imbecile" manage to tame a shadow? He didn't, that's how.
Dante rode in circles around them. Luckily for Dante, these were relatives of Phantom, and therefore had the "idiot" genes in their body.
They were pretty slow as well, so they weren't able to hit Dante as he went in circles. Every time they tried to hit Dante, he was already behind them. For about ten minutes this continued.
After a while Dante felt extremely dizzy and lost control of Sprinkles. Seizing his chance, Sprinkles broke free and fled with a hiss.
Dante took a few drunken steps forward while clutching his stomach and groaning. The (I think they're called Kyklops) looked concerned. Dante slowly edged closer to them.
He hurled right on the kyklops' eye, unloading all of the alcohol that was in his stomach. It also dumped a Big Mac and some fries and, strangely enough, a heap of fertiliser.
All of this blended together to form some kind of acid, burning right through the kyklops. The other one retaliated and charged at Dante. It slipped on the sick and got knocked out. "Déjà vu" said Dante. Alastor and Ifrit were astonished. Dante just said something intelligent. "What did you just say, Dante?" Alastor asked.
………………………………...
"Coconuts" Dante said eventually.
"Add it to the book" Ifrit rasped.
Dante walked on to the shiny red shield. Dante gasped. "Who left a perfectly innocent shiny thing here all alone?"
Alastor and Ifrit didn't say anything; they wouldn't understand his explanation anyway.
"I'll give it a good home!" Dante said lovingly. As soon as he touched it, it disappeared.
Dante's lip quivered.
Alastor knew that she had to act quickly or Dante would start crying in public.
"Look, Dante!" she exclaimed suddenly.
"What?" Dante said in a huff.
"There's something shiny in there, didn't you see it? You better go in there and catch it!"
The effect was instant; Dante raced through the door and found a shiny rock. Alastor was surprised. She didn't actually know that there was something shiny in there. Dante hugged the shiny stone and walked down the steps.
Chuckie the clown was down there. Dante stuck his arm out, as if the shiny stone was behind it.
"Stay back" he ordered "I'll take care of him, you stay safe!"
Alastor and Ifrit's wrists were aching from writing too much.
Dante fought hard for the love of his shiny rock. After a minute of fighting, Chuckie fled. This explains why he had all those scars in his horror film.
Dante came into the room with spikes coming out from the walls. He walked through with no evident sign that he was aware of the fact that spikes could come out of the wall and impale him at any moment. Actually, he was singing, much to Alastor and Ifrit's discomfort. Dante reached the alcove where the devil trigger platform thingie was.
Dante stepped on it. His eyes widened so much that it hurt him.
After recovering Dante messed around.
He devil triggered and giggled. As soon as he transformed he turned back. He giggled again. He started doing this in a fast pattern while laughing his head off.
"Human, demon! Human! Demon! human! Demon! Human! Dem-OW!"
Ifrit burned him out of annoyance. Dante got the message and walked on.
He reached the spears.
"Wow," he remarked "imagine someone leaving something this valuable here!"
"Yeah," Ifrit agreed "it's as if they want you to…"
Dante picked his nose with them.
"DANTE!" shrieked Alastor "THAT'S A PRICELESS ARTEFACT!"
"Oh," Dante "you mean that they're not for picking your nose?"
"No, they're for…… forchrissakes, Dammit, Dante!"
Dante was scratching his back with them.
"I give up." Alastor said.
Dante managed to reach the coliseum, after getting the nightmare-beta.
Dante took a look around. He noticed the shiny part in the middle of the arena and raced towards it, tongue lolling out of the side of his mouth.
Suddenly Griffon came down again with the smell of burnt feathers from their last encounter. He also brought a bad mood with him.
"THIS TIME YOU SHALL DIE, SON OF SPARDA!"
"Nuh-uh!" Dante replied childishly
"WHAT? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"
"Neither does your fat ass!"
A vein broke on Griffons temple; he still hated being called fat.
"YOU DIE NOW!" he roared.
He rose into the air, starting the fight. Well, fight isn't the right word, Dante had too be fighting for it to be a fight.
Griffon tried firing electricity at Dante. But, thanks to Alastor, Dante's body had developed an immunity to electricity. The most it did to him was give a light taze.
Griffon landed on Dante, which actually DID cause some damage, thanks to Griffons obesity.
Alastor and Ifrit did Dante a favour and did the hard work for him, forcing his arms to move in order to do some damage. This worked on Dante's part. But Griffon suspected something because Dante's eye's were closed and he was snoring and murmuring something about coconuts.
Griffon screeched loudly and Dante jerked awake. Griffon started laughing and tried to become airborne.
Griffon smashed his head against the bridge, losing countless brain cells. Griffon dropped like a stone, crushing his wings against the ground, making him unable to fly.
Dante started treating Griffon like a trampoline, jumping up and down on him.
Griffon forgot how to get up due to the lost brain cells. Dante thought that the coliseum needed decorating and rolled Griffon onto the sacrifice platform, not realising what would happen.
-At That Very Moment-
ML#1: Whoa, it took a while, but we recovered!
ML#2: Look, we're here!
ML#1: Yes, I recognise that human… what's he doing with that bird.
ML#2: Look at the ground! It's blue and shiny!
Griffon is placed right beside them
ML#1: What's that noise?
ML#2: I don't know……(looks up)
Both Moles: SHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!
There was a slight squishing sound as the cone type thingie smashed right through Griffon (and, unknown to anyone else, the Mole People).
Griffon struggled for a while. When he realised that it was hopeless, he stopped.
"Yours are definitely the powers of Sparda" he stated.
Dante tripped on his shoe laces.
"Maybe not…" muttered Griffon.
He tried struggling again, but still couldn't move.
"Master, Mundus!" he exclaimed "grant me one last surge of power, the power to finish him!"
Three orbs appeared in the sky.
"Griffon, you have interrupted my ballet class, now you shall pay!" came a deep booming voice.
A large microwave appeared around Griffon.
"MASTER, NO! PLEASE, MASTER, LET ME LIVE!"
"No, Griffon, I'm hungry!"
The light turned on in the microwave and heat radiated from it. Griffons screams came out of it.
Dante had a shocked face through all of this while serious music played in the background.
The "ding" cut through the serious music when the microwave was done.
The door opened by itself. Griffon wasn't inside it. Where there used to be a big-ass evil bird dude now lay a large cooked chicken, with all the trimmings beside it.
The leg lifted from off the side of it and into the air. When it reached the air beside Mundus a bite mark was suddenly taken off it.
Bit by bit the chicken was raised into the air and eaten by Mundus.
Dante was holding onto the amulet that he got from his mother as Mundus disappeared.
"That 7 eyed…" he muttered under his breath.
"You mean 3 eyed" Alastor corrected him.
"No," said Dante "can't you count? It goes, 3, lasagne, 7, 46, button…"
Ifrit groaned as Alastor wrote down "8 p.m: can't count"
Suddenly a beam of yellow lightning struck Dante. Dante wasn't hurt by it but he found himself lying face first on the ground with Trish sitting on him like a chair.
"Sorry!" she apologised "I could never work the whole "teleporting thing""
She got off him as Dante brushed the dirt off his coat.
"What's wrong" she asked Dante.
"Mundus!" Dante replied angrily "him and his heinous ways!"
Trish nodded "Yes, the way he treats his own-"
"He never shared his chicken!" Dante complained "I'm hungry here!"
Trish shook her head and she tried to teleport.
She found herself on top of Dante again. "Sorry" she murmured as she left.
Dante saw the cone shaped thingie in the ground and jumped onto it, went down and grabbed the shiny thingie in the shape of a driving wheel.
Mission Completed
Time: 00: 58: 59
Orbs: 602
Saving………
Right, finally finished. Remember, this pen-name is used by me and the shiny things obsessed friend of mine. We go by the names "Joe and Gromit" I'm Joe.
Gromit is the author of DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOMEPOINT, DAMMIT!
If you haven't read it yet, read it NOW!
It'll probably be a while for my next chapter, because my holidays are just about over. And there are a few people who have this story on their favourite list. I haven't heard from you at all! REVIEW (in a scary voice).
'til the next chapter, see ya.