Disclaimer: I don't own DMC or Predator or anything. The only thing I own is half of my brain. (Space Mutants own the other half)
Ten chapters done already? The time flies when you're bored and have nothing else to do… Somehow, that didn't come out quite the way I meant it to. Anyway thanks to all those who reviewed. My "hit" list just went above 600! I'm in a very good mood, so if you have any favours, now is the time to ask. In an even better note, I got over 25 reviews! I could kiss an elephants butt! Well, not literally, but I could still kiss anything else less smelly. (fan girls, come this way!). And I've got a big surprise for the end of the story, I want to make a huge difference at the end of the story, like Dante losing to Mundus, or him crashing the plane. Seeing the material that I have left, this'll probably be over in a few chapters. I'm getting tired of it, so I'm gonna stop putting the missions in, it's starting to take up too much effort and I'm gonna divide the chapters into parts instead.
Right, that's about it for now so lets get to business.
Chapter 10: The Trap Crap
--In Mundus' Lair--
Servant: Here is your dinner, master.
Mundus: Ooh! Baked beans, Brussels sprouts and Indian curry mushed into one? My favourite!
Ten Minutes Later…
Servant: Now for your dessert!
Mundus: Rhubarb tart! You know, I heard that this is a laxative! Oh, well. Bottoms up!
Half an Hour later…
Mundus is running frantically around the castle looking for a toilet.
Mundus: Ohhh my Go- er… Oh, me? WHERE THE HELL IS THE FRIGGIN TOILET!
He finds his private bathroom and lets loose. He forgets to flush. BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM!
Dante took a look at the steering wheel that he just picked up. It was just an ordinary steering wheel with a leather coating on it, but there was a socket at the back to show that it needed to be put on something.
Dante shrugged his shoulders and started playing with the wheel. He pretended that he was in a Formula 1 race and he was winning.
Dante started making engine noises with his mouth (that mouth can make a whole bunch of noises) and turning the wheel sharply.
Eventually he crashed and he pretended to die.
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Ifrit burned him.
"YOWCH!" Dante rose screaming, looking for a place to put out the fire on his head (the smell of burning plastic filled the alcove).
Dante jumped on the platform, ignoring the shiny blue thing beside him. (gasp)
Dante ran out of the coliseum and into the courtyard. Dante's fear of the dark was forgotten and replaced with his fear of becoming bald.
Dante then got an idea; he would drop on the ground and roll around. The fire on his wig simmered down. That was all well and good, but the grass all around him ignited and started a fire.
Dante walked to the door, blissfully unaware of the forest fire all around him, burning everything in sight and spreading to all the other areas of the countryside. Mundus was really going to be pissed of when he found out that Dante had managed to burn all of his garden down. Oh, well, Mundus was going to try and kill him anyway.
Alastor and Ifrit gulped and loosened their collars (if they had any)
Dante walked up to the place where you're meant to put the wheel of destiny.
Where there used to be an indent on the ground, there was now what looked like a golf caddy without any wheels, which included the steering wheel.
Dante put the wheel on and the golf caddy rose into the air and slowly levitated over to the other side.
But Dante wasn't on it.
"DAMMIT!" he bellowed when the caddy reached the other side and had no signs of returning.
Dante then was forced to climb all the way down the cliff, then climb all the way back up from the other side, after having to swim across the river down at the bottom, avoiding all the piranhas down there. After what seemed like ages, he reached the door.
Dante walked slowly through the dark corridor, jumping at every slight movement as the only thing that lighted the place up was his shiny rock. Like I said earlier, Dante had a fear of the dark.
Alastor had an idea how to still hurt Dante by shocking him, all she had to do was to try and get him right in his brain and…
It had no affect on Dante whatsoever. She tried again. Dante's brain didn't react. Soon Alastor discovered why, Dante's brain was actually a pile of rubber with a battery in the middle. Alastor gave up shocking Dante and resorted to cutting him with her blade.
Dante yelled and ran through the dark corridor, forgetting that he was surrounded by darkness.
Soon he was back in the big hall. Dante noticed the panel thingie on the other side of the hall that could become shiny if he hit it hard enough.
He did so.
Thunder rumbled in the sky. Dante pissed himself. Luckily he was wearing a nappy.
Lightning struck right through the shattered glass (where Phantom fell through) and a white-blue coloured bat appeared. When it saw Dante, it flew a little closer to him and turned human shape. A single eye appeared and blue light appeared around it.
Dante thought that it was challenging him to a staring contest. He opened his eyes wide and stared right at the (its called a Plasma) Plasma.
The energy beam went right through Dante's eye, but since it was electric it had no effect.
The Plasma blinked out of astonishment.
"HAH!" Dante said triumphantly as he punched the air. "I WIN!"
The Plasma shrugged its shoulders and began attacking Dante. Dante stood still as the Plasma's fists and sword passed harmlessly through him. Dante started laughing as he got an idea.
Dante ran right through the Plasma. The Plasma stamped its foot in annoyance.
Dante ran right through him again, this time guffawing like a complete idiot.
Then again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and… you get the idea.
The Plasma put it's hands in a choking motion, imagining them around Dante's neck. Dante ran through him again, still laughing.
The Plasma suddenly turned a light shade of red out of anger.
Dante continued running through the Plasma.
The Plasma turned a deeper shade of red as it jumped up and down on the spot.
Soon the Plasma was a deep crimson. It raised it's hand and showed Dante the finger. Dante started crying.
BANG!
The Plasma exploded. Dante cried even louder.
Ifrit burned him to shut him up. Fat chance.
Dante ran around the room while screaming his head off. After about half an hour, Dante shut up and got on with it. He went through the door to find another Plasma advancing on him. It was at that very moment that the battery in Dante's brain ran out of power.
Dante's mouth hung open and his eyes went unfocused. But something completely unexpected happened just then and there. A plug came out of his head, like an electrical strand of hair.
The Plasma pretended like nothing strange just happened and it tried to kill Dante, with a single swing of it's sword.
Now, you're gonna have to follow this part carefully, because it might seem a bit weird.
When the sword connected with Dante's head, the electricity came into contact with the plug. The plug sucked in the electricity. The Plasma felt itself weakening. The sword was getting sucked into the plug bit by bit.
Soon the whole sword was gone and the Plasma's hand was getting sucked in now. The sucking speeded up, soon the entire arm was gone. The Plasma gave one last shriek as it was given the worst punishment ever; an eternity stuck inside Dante's head. The plug rolled back up and Dante's eyes went back to normal. His mouth was still hanging out though.
"What just happened?" Dante asked.
Alastor and Ifrit's eyes were wide open.
"Never mind," Dante said huffily as he pressed on.
At the end of the next corridor Dante came across the place where he first found Alastor. Where the coach of death used to be there was now a completely normal large blue door. The only thing that was out of the ordinary was the sign on it that read: "Mundus' Private Bathroom. DO NOT ENTER!"
Since Dante couldn't read this didn't matter. He walked through.
As soon as he closed the door the most horrible stink that he had ever smelled reached Dante's nostrils (and THAT is saying something! This guy practically invented stink!). Dante found where the stink was coming from. He also discovered what the sign on the door meant.
The biggest toilet that Dante had ever seen was in the middle of the room. Judging by the smell, the last time that it had been used it wasn't flushed. Dante held his nose and walked over to it to flush it. He carefully climbed up to the flusher-type thingie that I have no idea what it's called. Dante chanced a nervous glance down at the contents of the bowl. As soon as his head tipped slightly forward, the stink became unbearable, forcing him to put his head upright. Dante was disgusted to put it EXTREMELY mildly. I mean, come on, he could actually see the stink lines radiating from it! He could almost hear the smell it was that bad! He pulled on the flusher thing and hopped down. The usual flushing noises that a toilet makes echoed through the air. That's when it all started. There was simply too much crap to flush. The toilet suddenly made a strange noise. Dante cautiously got off it and backed away from it.
The noises got louder and louder. Dante gasped, he knew what was happening; the toilet was backfiring.
Dante turned to run away, but it was too late.
An almighty heap of crap was fired out of the toilet and into the air. It landed on the ground with a huge sloshing noise.
Dante wrinkled his nose. The Underworld was obviously in need of Plumbers. He was about to move on when the crap moved slowly towards Dante. Since it was spawn of Mundus (no prizes for guessing what part of the body it came out of), it had an unbearable urge to destroy the Sparda bloodline.
Dante suddenly got a rush of confidence.
"Come on, bitch!" he taunted it.
The crap made a sound that resembled roaring.
"I'll mop the floor with you!" Dante continued, not noticing the crap binding his feet and raising up to his legs.
"I slept with yo mama!" Dante said teasingly.
The crap was up to his waist.
"I eat shit like you for breakfast!" Dante said.
Then he was up to his chest in crap. Dante had a confused look on his face.
"Alastor?"
"Hmm?"
"I said that I ate shit like him for breakfast, but I never thought that shit like him would eat me for breakfast!"
"Shows what you know"
Dante was then plunged under and transported to the Nightmare world.
He took a look around. There were floating skulls all around and there was a familiar shadow in the corner. He walked up to one of the skulls. The skull tried eating him.
"Awwwww!" Dante cooed "he likes me!"
The skull soon bit off Dante's pocket, making all the buggers, crisp packets and shiny stuff fall out.
Dante seemed ominously calm. Alastor and Ifrit braced themselves.
Dante was still eerily calm after a while. Ten more minutes passed. He went red in the face. The skull froze. Dante's face went redder (déjà vu?). The skull backed off a bit.
Dante devil triggered and killed the skull in an instant. He saw the other skulls watching him. With a shriek, Dante charged at them.
"DIEYOUSONOFABITCHDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEEEEEE!" he shrieked nonsensically.
When all the skulls had gone, the shadow revealed itself. It was Phantom. BUM BUM BUMMMMM (sorry, I couldn't help it!).
Dante un-devil-triggered (is that even a word?) and grinned sheepishly at Phantom.
"Emm… hello there…ol' buddy ol' pal?" Dante whimpered nervously.
Phantom remained silent and cracked hid knuckles. Dante gulped audibly. Destroying whatever heroic plans he had that involved bravery, he turned tail and fled, screaming. He did his old battle technique that involved him running around in repeated circles while screaming.
Phantom looked round and round, trying to follow Dante's progress.
Soon he became extremely dizzy and fainted (that was pathetic, sorry).
Dante was transported out of the Nightmare world without noticing it. With a flash of light he broke out of the crap. He was still running around in circles screaming though.;
Luckily enough, the symbols on the wall were voice activated, hardening the Shitemare (like my name for him? Shite? Geddit? Shut up, I'll write the story the way I like it).
The Shitemare revealed it's core and started to attack Dante.
Dante noticed the core. It was unbelievably shiny, and he wanted it. He jumped on to the Shitemare and grabbed the core. The Shitemare started struggling and tossing about, but the love of the shiny thing gave Dante enough strength to hold on.
Dante jumped of the Shitemare while holding the core. He decided that it would be fun to play basketball with it, so he started dribbling around the room. Every time the core made contact with the ground, It got damaged. And, the fact that the Shitemare was still living without it had to count for something on it's part.
Eventually it shrieked and sunk into the ground. The core went with it. Dante looked at his hands.
He fell down onto his knees and held his head in both arms.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Sniffling, he opened the door and went outside. His eyes were too blurred for him to see properly, so he fell down into the ocean. KERSPLASH!
Dante was back in the cavern type thingie. He looked around. There were skulls there. He was instantly reminded of the skull that took his shiny things. His eyes flashed red
The skulls were gone within seconds.
At the place at the end of the bridge, he realised that the staff that he received was shining like a torch. He took it out and admired it. The paintings appeared and the staff vanished. Dante was heartbroken. He had learned his lesson; to be more careful when he loves again.
Dante inspected the painting on the left.
"What now?" he asked.
"I dunno," Ifrit replied.
"Hmm," Alastor said "what possible reason is a painting here? It could be a clue…"
Dante grinned stupidly and leaped through it.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" Alastor shrieked.
"I dunno," Dante said, upset "I see a painting, I jump through it."
-Flashback-
Dante is at the Louvre museum in Paris. He walks around, bored as he passes the sculptures.
His eyes brighten as he sees the paintings. He then sees the most famous one of all; the Mona Lisa. As the guards turn to look at him, he jumps right through it and bangs his head against the wall behind it.
The guards point their guns at him. Dante laughs maniacally and throws a smoke bomb at the floor.
When the guards sight is restored, Dante is gone.
-End Flashback-
Dante looks around. He was actually where he was supposed to be.
"Oh," said Alastor
That was short, sorry. But it's been a while and I didn't want to keep me fans waiting (yeah right, as if I have fans!) so I went ahead and posted it. Thanks to all of those who reviewed, and to those who e-mailed. Much appreciated.
Well, I've got absolutely NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NEXT, SO READ THIS. I WANT YOU, THE READER, TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO NEXT. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE NOT A MEMBER OR IF YOU'RE ANONYMOUS, TELL ME. AND TO ALL OF THOSE WHO READ THIS FOR FUN, TELL ME YOUR OPINION ON WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN NEXT. I CANT WRITE A CHAPTER WITHOUT ANY IDEAS, SO NO MORE'LL COME IF YOU DON'T TELL ME.
I'm serious. Tell me what you want to happen next. I need some help here. If you review, I'll make credits at the end of the last chapter and put your name in. You know you want to, go on, your idea will most likely be picked.
See ya (how soon is depending on how many people give me ideas)