Disclaimer: Anything that's copyrighted in this story is not owned by me.
Joe: There it is again. The one ultimate disclaimer, idiotproof. (Gromit runs headfirst into the disclaimer, laughing maniacally). Joe: Umm… well, maybe it's not idiot proof. It's still good. (If you're wondering what the hell of this Joe and Gromit stuff is, click on my pen name at the top of the story, it'll explain everything)
Anyway, sorry about that whole thing at the end of the last chapter. It was pretty much stupid, why should all of you help me out? It's my story and its my fault if I end up ruining it. But, some of you didn't realise that and helped me out. SUCKERS! Ahem. Forget what I just said. As I promised, I'll put some credits at the end of the story with all of your names in it, but you'll have to keep reminding me, as I'll probably forget. I got some interesting ideas there and some of them will most likely be used.
Like I said in the last chapter or so, you'll have tough luck if you want me to stick to the original script, I'm gonna make a huge twist at some point in the story.
Don't like, don't read. Who the HELL am I kidding? READ IT, READ IT AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!
This story has an actual fight in it, and a bit that some of you may find a bit too realistic and tragic for a comedy.
Well, enough crazy talk, here I go.
Chapter 11: DIY For Dummies (and Dantes)
Dante took a look around the hallway that he had just entered (by means of jumping through a painting).
He had a strange feeling that he had been there before. Then again, he gets a lot of strange feelings. He doesn't complain, its all included in the contract of being crazy.
He noticed the stairway. He laughed maniacally and started chewing on the nearest brick to him.
Ifrit had a disgusted look on hid face and Alastor closed her eyes and prayed for strength. Ifrit rolled his eyes up to heaven in impatience.
By the time Alastor opened her eyes and Ifrit looked back down, there was a brick missing from the stairs. Dante was already on the second one, his rate of swallowing increasing by the second. This was disturbing enough, but the fact that he was making "Mmm" noises was just disgusting. Alastor blinked. Half the staircase was missing when her eyes opened. After a few seconds more of this, Dante had his fill. An entire half of the staircase had deteriorated over the last 40 seconds. What he didn't realise was that there were demons on that staircase, the last thing that they all saw was Dante's gaping mouth while he made "Mmm" noises.
Dante opened the door at the end of what was remaining of the staircase. (The door was one of the few things that he didn't devour)
He shut the door and turned to face the contents of the room. His heart skipped a beat.
There were books everywhere.
Dante pulled his hair out and screamed. He suddenly realised that instead of a clump of hair, he was holding a wig. He shrugged his shoulders and put it back on, turning back to the nightmarish situation that he was facing.
He started sweating madly and he ran around in circles while trying to think of what to do next. Unfortunately no matter how many times he managed he come to the conclusion, coconuts would not make the books disappear.
He could still not think of what to do and he was starting to feel the walls closing in. Edumacation and things for Smart-type people were starting to bury him alive.
Alastor and Ifrit were looking at him funny, why was Dante lying down screaming on the floor for no apparent reason? Alastor was still adding to the Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante.
After a while Dante realised that books and "Edumacation" were not trying to strangle him. He got up and wiped the dust off his coat.
After a while of looking around he noticed the painting suddenly appearing. His face broke into a wide, idiotic grin. He did his maniac laugh and dived headfirst through it.
He found himself in a coliseum. He didn't notice anything particularly odd about the place and walked up to the door. His stomach made an odd noise, acting like a Spider Sense. It was, actually, reacting to all the cement and concrete he was digesting.
At that moment, two Frosts landed on the rooftop nearby and made this big dramatic entrance. Now this, you all have to agree, is either very good timing or very predictable story telling.
Dante got an irresistible urge to vomit. So irresistible that he actually did vomit, right then and there. At this point the Frosts are just after jumping. When Dante hurled, it wasn't stomach acid, gunk and carrots that came out, but cement and concrete. What was really the strange bit though, was the fact that the bricks landed side by side with a little bit of cement on them. Then another layer landed on top of them with a perfect amount of cement sticking the two layers together. This was all happening as they came out of Dante's mouth. It was like watching a DIY video in fast forward.
The two Frosts smashed into the wall, like a bird into a window. Dante wiped his mouth and looked at his creation; he had absolutely no idea that he had just managed to defeat two powerful enemies.
He had obviously never read "DIY for Dummies", rule 1: DO NOT EAT THE EQUIPMENT THAT YOU ARE BUILDING SOMETHING WITH!
Alastor and Ifrit were once again jaw dropped at the stupidity and sheer dumb luck that Dante causes every day.
Dante went on through the castle when he came to the door that leads to the room with the dragon. He paused just before his hand came into contact with the door.
"What?" Ifrit asked impatiently. (Oh, my god. Ifrit has turned into Alastor!)
"Something tells me that I shouldn't go in there," Dante said with a hint of anxiety in his voice.
"Yeah," Alastor agreed "but you didn't feel anything when you decided to eat the staircase, did you?"
"Touché" Dante replied. With that he opened the door.
Inside was the biggest skeleton Dante had ever seen. It looked like a dinosaur of some sort, but it had a t-rex's head on some others body.
He realised that it definitely wasn't a dinosaur when a fireball erupted from its mouth. Dante stood stock still, eyes wide open.
"MOVE DANTE, MOVE!" Alastor shrieked.
But his face wasn't that of a terrified man, more like a lunatic in Disneyland. He had a crooked grin plastered all over his face as if he was just injected with cocaine.
The fireball came closer and closer, threatening to burn Dante within one inch of his life.
The ball was just about to make impact with Dante when he suddenly did something completely unexpected. He opened his mouth wide, like a baby waiting for the choo-choo train to come into its mouth. He swallowed the fireball. That normally would have killed a man, but since when was Dante normal?
The dragon put a confused face on it's bony features, the prey was meant to have been killed by that.
Dante took a step closer to the dragon. The dragon shot another fireball at Dante. He ate this one as well. Dante kept coming, his steps becoming almost mechanical, and for some reason, he devil triggered, making his eyes flash red.
The dragon panicked and shot a flurry of fireballs, one coming directly after the other. When the smoke cleared, Dante was still slowly coming towards it, his feet making a "thump" noise as they hit the ground.
Unfortunately, the dragon had watched the terminator movies one too many times and was seriously freaked out by all of this.
Dante was just about to reach the dragon when it fainted from fright, making the barrier go away. He was looking at the support beams that were holding the dragon up. Pretty, he thought as he touched one of them.
SMASH!
The dragon fell apart, bones breaking away from each other. Dante's hand was still held out when it had finished falling apart.
"I didn't do it" he said quickly.
Alastor and Ifrit were busy adding to the Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante to bother yelling at him.
He turned the lever thing and watched the light flash on the other side of the room. Something shiny over there immediately grabbed his attention. He was almost there in an instant. He picked the thing up, and after polishing it he pocketed it and walked on.
He reached the door where you have to put the mercury and walked through. SMACK!
"Open the door before you walk through!" Alastor rasped hoarsely.
Muttering curses, Dante opened the door and walked into the room.
He noticed a figure in the shadows beside the cathedral like window. Lightning flashed outside, adding to the scene. The figure turned around. It was Verg… The Dark Knight.
"Hiya, Vergil" Dante said cheerfully as he strolled up to greet his brother.
Vergil was not as happy to greet his brother as Dante was.
"This time, I will kill you" he said darkly.
Dante was silent for a while. Then he grinned. He winked at Vergil.
"Yeah, I gotcha, like that game we used to always play as kids"
Vergil winced at the thought. "No, brother, I will really kill you"
Dante looked confused, "then, will it be my go to kill you?"
Vergil removed his mask (in a very overdone way). His face had an extremely annoyed look to it. "No, brother, you will, die, period."
Dante sulked. "That's no fun!" he whined.
"Its not meant to be"
"Then why are we playing it, then"
"We're not playing, here, brother. I'm really going to kill you."
Dante was still having problems with this half an hour later.
"So, you kill me, then we play a different game?"
"NO! THERE IS NO MORE GAMES AFTER THIS!"
"Why? Is it bed time?"
"No, you'll be dead"
"I know, in the game. I still can't see why I don't get a go!"
"BECAUSE YOU WILL BE DEAD!"
"Your game's too realistic, can't we pretend that I have super strong armour and can't die?"
"NO! It's real life, you're really gonna die!"
"Yes, just like all games are real life, but I want a god go at the game, please, Verge!"
"THAT'S IT, YOU DIE NOW!" Vergil screamed as he swung his blade.
Dante ducked, then pushed his arm forward in a pretend punch, stopping his arm just before it made contact with Vergil's face.
Vergil stared at him blankly.
"No fair!" Dante said angrily "I hit you, you have to pretend that you're hurt!"
"Nuh-uh! I have armour that blocks all attacks!" said Vergil, suddenly thinking that he was playing a game with Dante.
"That's not allowed in this game!" Dante retorted angrily.
"Yes it is!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Uh-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Uh-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
Vergil was just about to reply again when he realised what was going on. He started killing Dante again. He picked Dante up by the collar and pushed him against the wall.
"I eat shit like you for breakfast" he growled menacingly.
He didn't get the response that he was looking for. Dante's frightened face broke into a disgusted one.
"Eww! You eat shit for breakfast?"
Vergil was taken aback.
"No-" he said quickly "its an expression-"
"Hah-hah!" Dante laughed teasingly "Vergil eats shit breakfast!"
"I do not!" Vergil said, disgruntled.
"Yes you do!" Dante said mockingly "You even said it yourself!"
Vergil roared and threw Dante across the room.
Dante laughed as he landed on his feet.
"Not a scratch!" he teased. "Remember last time? You never hurt me!"
A sudden gust of wind blew Dante's wig off.
…….
……
……
"Shut up!" Dante said in an annoyed tone.
"Hah!" Vergil laughed "I remember all right, I gave you a haircut! You never got a proper haircut since 3rd grade!"
Dante roared and charged at Vergil, Alastor brandished. He actually managed to land a few stroked, mainly due to his sudden burst of anger.
A fight ensued (yes, a proper fight), a fight that neither of them had experienced in years, not since they were separated at youth when their mother was slaughtered. It actually brought back some memories for both, reminding them of times when they had fought, even of some good times together. Unfortunately they both remembered the time when Dante had fallen out of a tree and landed on his head. He had lost countless IQ that day. Both of them continued fighting, though it had become more forced, since both of them were finding it harder to fight the other.
Vergil, shedding the memories, reminded himself about his duty. With a roar he launched himself into the air, phantom blades started circling him. He was preparing himself for an attack that would probably kill Dante.
Authors Note: Right, back to the comedy.
It was at this moment that Dante's stomach unsettled again, reacting to all the cement, bricks and fire he swallowed. Yes, there's plenty of that stuff left, remember, this guy devoured an entire staircase!
He hurled again, but this time only a single brick emerged from his mouth, but this single brick was propelled forward by the flame he had eaten, acting like a missile.
The brick hit Vergil square between the eyes, making him drop like a stone, the phantom blades fell as well, making a circle of blades all around his fallen body.
Dante rushed to his side and picked him up.
"Vergil, are you alright? Answer me!"
Suddenly, his brain went onto low battery, making brief periods of death occur. His hands loosened, dropping Vergil onto the blades.
There was a slight squishing noise as Vergil was impaled.
Dante's brain activated again. He looked down.
"OH MY GOD! Are you alright, Vergil!"
He picked Vergil back up again.
His brain went on low battery, acting like a phone on low battery, turning off one moment, them suddenly having enough power to be turned back on the next. He dropped Vergil again.
Squish.
Back on.
Off.
Squish.
This pattern was repeated for a while when Vergil finally died.
He rose into the air, blue light radiating from him, a low scream of anguish coming from his mouth. Suddenly he was gone. A shiny thing fell onto the floor.
Dante rushed to it's side instantly and picked it up, his magpie senses tingling.
It was an amulet, identical to his own, the only difference was that it was made of gold rather than silver. Suddenly the two reacted, raising into the air and circling each other, then colliding, like two jigsaw pieces.
Dante got a Flashback from his youth.
Eva: Vergil, Dante, happy birthday.
Dante: Wow!
Vergil: Cool!
Dante: I want the chocolate.
Vergil: No, I WANT THE CHOCOLATE!
Dante: Hands off!
Eva: STOP IT! Do you want me to post the two of you to Mexico? Cos' I will!
Twins in frightened voices: Again?
Eva: No, the last time I sent you to a crack farm in Iraq, but this time it'll be worse!
Twins in unison: We'll be good!
Eva: Good, now I'll just inject you with these happy juices and you can go to bed… idiots…
The two boys are injected with tranquillisers and are posted to Mexico, only to be returned a year later.
Suddenly his first sword, Force Edge started vibrating. Dante thought that it was doing that for comfort reasons and started making… comfort noises.
"EWWW!" Alastor and Ifrit yelled in unison.
Dante took Force Edge into his hands and was given a nice surprise.
The two amulets (now one big amulet) fused into Force Edge, making one cool looking transformation.
Red lightning came out of the newly formed sword, which was now Sparda.
Dante's eyes widened to a size that should have been impossible.
"Coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooll! He said ecstatically.
He tried a few combos when he noticed a sound coming from the sword.
There was a faint "Zzz" noise coming from it, as if it was sleeping.
A portal appeared in the middle of the room. Dante jumped in.
In the Underworld
Mundus: Get me my Chemistry set, NOW!
Servant: yes, sir
Minutes later…
Mundus: Right… a little evil here… some stupidity here….incompetence of course…
Servant: Incompetence, sir?
Mundus: Of course! They wouldn't be my minions if they were competent, would they?
Servant: Do you really want to play God, sir?
Mundus: OF COURSE I DO, AND IF I DO, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE TO YOU? I DO WHAT I WANT!
He then fries the servant to ashes. All the other minions in the room look nervously at Mundus before returning to their work with renewed motivation; they wanted to stay alive.
The monster turns out like a mutated dog-human type thing. The nearest servant looked at it, repulsed.
Mundus: What do you think?
Servant#2: Ermm…it's a masterpiece, sir.
Mundus: I'll call it…Nobody…
Back at the land occupied by humans, an editor fixes the problems found with the latest version of "DIY for Dummies". Apparently some of the dummies out there who badly needed it weren't reading it.
He changed the title. It was now: "DIY for Dummies (and Dante's)"
"That should do it" he said happily.
All done, another chapter gone, of course, there'll be more to come.
By the way, thanks to all of you who reviewed, I'm past 30 reviews! I'll decide not to destroy the Earth… Ahem, ignore what I just said.
Anyway, a lot of the ideas posted to me weren't used yet, but don't worry, they'll show up in the next few chapters.
See ya.