Disclaimer: Anything in this story that's copyrighted is not owned by me.

Joe: Right, I'm back! There were a few ideas that didn't get used last time. They're gonna come up in the next few chapters.

For all of you mole people fans, don't worry, they'll be back shortly (it takes ages for damaged bones to heal don't you know) and at the end of the story they'll be making a grand finale.

Chapter 12: Toilet Duck, The Mutated Dog Things and a Falling Stone

Dante was standing in the place where the picture of the coliseum was. In the space in the wall beside it there was now a strange looking picture that looked slightly blurred. Of course before anyone had time to take any of this information in, Dante had already jumped through it in impulse.

He found himself underwater when he came to. There was no sight of surface anywhere. Dante swum around frantically for some air. What he didn't realise was that he was nowhere near running out of breath. Alastor and Ifrit were having too much fun to tell him. Dante was becoming more and more desperate, swimming over here then, after a silent fit, swimming swiftly over to another place, then making a choking motion with his hands as if he was suffocating.

Alastor and Ifrit were in pain from keeping a straight face.

Dante had managed to swim through the tunnel. Inside he found a few sin-perverts who were out for revenge because of Dante's killing of their "life partners".

They started a freaky cackle that gave Dante goosebumps. They floated towards Dante with their scissors in their hands.

Dante sneezed. The mixture of phlegm and snot touched one of them. It blinked.

"YAAAARGH! I'LL NEVER GET THAT STAIN OUT!"

Then it rushed towards it's comrades, in dire need of a bubble bath with bubble gum flavour bubbles. Dante would pay. One of them shrieked and swung its scissor at Dante. Dante evaded and stuck his tongue out.

"Missed me, missed me now you gotta-" he clasped his hands over his mouth before he could finish the sentence. Even an idiot such as Dante knew the foolishness of what he had just done. The sins had a mysteriously happy look to their faces as they moved slowly towards Dante. Dante gave a squeal and turned to swim away. In his haste, he didn't realise that he couldn't swim. All the swimming that he had done so far was really just a flimsy version of the doggy paddle.

His homophobia gave him enough strength to open the door that lay before him. When he opened it he noticed the wall of water.

Alastor blinked. Ifrit's jaw dropped. How in the blue hell was water forming a wall?

Dante reached into his pocket and took out a small sachet filled with powder. He looked at it for a while, while thinking something along the lines of "What am I smoking?". He then threw it away and walked on.

He came to the thingie where you have to hit it to make it shiny. Dante was more than obliged to do so.

Water started filling the room. Dante looked extremely embarrassed.

"I think I had an accident" he said uncomfortably.

Soon the entire tower was covered in water. Dante had no choice but to swim upwards. When he finally reaches the top, the water vanishes. He notices the egg thing in the corner.

"Eheheheheh" he said strangely "heheheheh-TAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SHHHIIIIIINNNNYYYYYY!"

He grabbed the egg and jumps off the railing, smashing his face against the floor. He knocks the door open as he trips over his shoe laces, knocking face first into the fire below. He didn't know whether to roll around screaming madly or to sing with happiness. He makes do with rolling around screaming.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH!"

After he stopped burning, he looked around, he noticed the fire that had just set him ablaze. He threw the shiny egg in for good measure, and for the fun of it.

Shitemare took this as a good time to attack Dante. As soon as Shitemare entered, a horrible smell filled the room. Dante turned around and mistook Shitemare for a puddle.

"PUDDLE!" he shrieked as he jumped into Shitemare, like a little schoolboy.

He started jumping up and down, banging his feet against Shitemare.

"What is that horrible smell?" thought Shitemare. It wasn't he that was making the smell, but Dante banging his feet on him.

Dante realised that he was dipping his feet in a huge puddle of crap. Slowly, he stopped his feet and stared blankly at Shitemare.

For no particular reason, I'm giving Shitemare the ability to talk.

"GET OFFA ME, YOU STUPID HAIRLESS MONKEY!" Shitemare screamed loudly in a voice as disgusting as he was.

Dante started to cry; he didn't like being insulted. Shitemare was such a bully.

Dante sulked and turned his back on Shitemare, making a "Humph!" noise. His lower lip was bigger than usual and when Shitemare sloshed around to the other side of Dante, facing him, Dante turned his back on Shitemare and made another "Humph!".

Shitemare gave up, hardened and started blasting Dante with his little shiny sticks.

Dante was stung by the attack and turned to face Shitemare, red in the face.

"Come, on then, turd!" Dante taunted, putting on a calm façade.

He touched a nerve.

"YOU'RE DEAD!" Shitemare retaliated.

Shitemare was just about to attack Dante when he saw the look on his face.

"What?" Dante said, nonplussed "I'm dead?"

Alastor cut him "it's an expression, you dope!"

Dante ignored her while inspecting his body.

"Cool! I never noticed that before" he said interestedly.

Shitemare stared at him.

Alastor and Ifrit hurt him badly.

Dante suddenly got a rush of adrenaline. He looked at Shitemare.

"DIEYOUSONOFABITCH, DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!" he bellowed as he charged at Shitemare, slicing the crap into little bits. The crap joined back together, leaving Shitemare without a scratch. Dante didn't realise this and kept slicing at Shitemare. Shitemare sighed and stood still as Dante tried killing him.

Half an Hour Later-

Dante was worn out from trying to kill Shitemare. Shitemare, on the other hand, was bored stiff from standing there. Dante soon collapsed from exhaustion.

Shitemare hardened and started attacking Dante.

Dante's head got banged in and a crooked grin broke across his face. He also realised that he was getting his ass kicked. He took a pipe out of his pocket and put it on his face, then put on a sailors cap.

He took out a can of spinach.

"Looks like I'm runnin' low on gas, nyik, nyik!" he said in a low goatish voice different from his usual tone. He squeezed the can tightly. Nothing happened. Dante went red in the face. He squeezed tighter. His hands started hurting. He put then can under his foot and tried pulling it open. He threw it on the ground and jumped on it. Shitemare was enjoying all of this. After a long while of struggling, Dante took out a can opener and opened the can.

He squeezed the can again and made the spinach come into his mouth, and for some reason, the "Popeye" theme tune came on.

"Nyik, this'll put some tussle to me muscle, some length to me strength, nyik, nyik!

He tried flexing his muscles, but all that showed was a jiggle of some flab. He ignored this and started punching a very confused looking Shitemare with Ifrit. Since you can't exactly stop a burning knuckle, Shitemare was affected.

Soon Shitemare roared and fled. A strange noise cut across the silence. Dante turned around took the egg out of the fire.

It was still an egg. He turned to look at the fire. On the base below it read: Error 461: Dud.

Dante groaned and put the unchanged (though slightly charred) egg in his pocket. A portal opened in the centre of the courtyard. Dante had nothing better to do, so he jumped in.

He was standing in the room where the pictures of the coliseum and the flooded corridor where, though at the moment they were both gone. Dante could see nothing to do here so he opened the door and walked down to the bottom of what was remaining of the staircase (read chapter 11) and stepped in the next portal. He was standing in the place where he jumped through the first picture. He noticed a picture that he had not yet jumped in. He did his maniac laugh and bounded through.

He was in a bedroom where he first met his brother. He didn't care about that. There was a bed in there. Devil hunting (or something like it, in Dante's case) was tiring. With a yawn, he plonked himself on the bed and fell asleep, ignoring the protests Alastor and Ifrit were yelling.

………..

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SIZZLE!

KERFRIGGINZAAAAAAAP!

Dante rose with a start.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!

OH HOLY , SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, GIVE ME F(T Rated) STRENGTH! I'M GONNA KILL THE MOTHER F(T rated)BASTARD THAT DID THIS!"

He yelled profanities for quite some time, until he ran out of curses. He quietened down and took a look around the room. He noticed the mirror. He immediately walked up to look at his reflection.

"Who's that handsome devil?" he asked the mirror with pride.

The mirror made no response.

Dante repeated himself.

……………..

Dante threw the egg through the mirror in anger. To his surprise, a passageway was behind it. Which explained how Vergil managed to walk through it. Dante walked through with caution. There was a couple of Blades in there smoking weed. The entire room was engulfed with smoke. Dante inhaled the fumes without realising it. Suddenly the whole room seemed blurry.

"Whooaaaah!" he said queasily, "Duuuuuuude!"

He walked out the window and looked around. Everything was hard to see through the eyes of a stoner. He looked at the support in the middle of the courtyard and noticed something on it. He picked it up.

It was a blue bottle with a label on it. It read: Extra Strength Toilet Duck: Gets Rid of even Unholy Stains!

Alastor had to read it out to Dante. Dante slowly nodded his head, he was losing control of his body and limbs.

Suddenly three mutated dog things fell out of the sky; they got on the wrong side of Mundus, and Mundus was in a bad mood anyway; they were foolish to anger him.

They landed with a thud on the ground. Dante took a step backwards. With a groan, one of them got up. It noticed Dante and started a really freaky dance. For some reason, the rest of them decided that this looked fun so they joined in. Dante was surrounded with dancing freaks. He slowly moved away. They didn't seem to notice, they were too caught up in their weird dance.

As soon as Dante stepped back in the room, his vision returned. He looked at the toilet duck he received. There was only one place that this could be used. He gulped; he hated that place. He had made plenty of bad smells in his time, but the one in that room scared him. But there was no choice.

When he reached the cathedral like room, he looked inside the toilet. All the traces of Shitemare's presence in there had vanished. But there was still something in there. At the bottom of the bowl, there was a thin film of mucus. It was see through, and behind it was what looked like a vortex of fire. Dante's eyes lit up. He squirted the toilet duck in and stood in the bowl. Nothing happened.

He sighed and pulled the flusher.

With a huge sucking noise, Dante was sucked into the underworld.

He looked around. Everything looked as if it was alive. He then noticed an indent on a nearby wall.

He walked over to it and opened it. There was a label on it, but since Dante couldn't read it didn't matter. It read: Trish's Wardrobe: STAY OUT POTENTIAL PERVERTS!

Dante rummaged around and realised that all of the contents were clothes. It came to him that they were all new age fashion trends that he hadn't gone with yet, so he tried them all on, put the cosmetics on, used the hair lengtheners and used the "Do It Yourself Blonde Hair Dye: For all of those silver roots!". He thought, that since his hair was completely silver, he should use it.

Dante, son of the legendary dark knight Sparda, was wearing a bra.

Alastor was disgusted. Ifrit was near to vomiting.

He strolled around casually, as if cross dressing was completely normal. He had absolutely no idea where he was going, losing all memory of the directions that he was taking. He actually managed to find a shortcut round the defences to Mundus' throne. He looked around; everything was shiny. This must be heaven. He couldn't have been more wrong.

"Ah, there you are, Trish" erupted a booming voice from behind him.

Dante realise how tight the woman's denims he was wearing were. He was in severe pain in his nether regions, making his voice high pitched and almost exactly a females voice. Which was fitting, seeing his current situation.

"Have you got my hankies?"

"No, Mundus" Dante replied, trying to put on a polite tone to this weirdo, not wanting to start a fight so soon, but it ended up surprisingly feminine.

"WELL YOU HAD BETTER GET THEM, HADN'T YOU?"

With a huff, Mundus stormed off. Dante unloosened his belt, getting rid of the unbearable pain downstairs. His voice returned to normal. And, luckily enough, Dante dressed in layers. He ripped off the woman's clothing, leaving him in his regular outfit.

"I can't believe that Mundus thought that I was Trish, he such an idiot!" Dante exclaimed. Unfortunately, Mundus wasn't yet out of earshot. He heard the insult, causing him to trip. He accidentally dropped his most prized possession; his voice box. He used it to make his voice sound more manly. The truth was, his voice was high pitched and nerdy.

"And he's soooo gay!" Dante pressed on "making himself look like a giant weirdo! How gay is that!"

Mundus sniffled. Despite his yelling and roaring all the time, he was secretly a big softy and very sensitive.

"Ultra big macho man, huh? I bet he's not so big! Who am I kidding? He's soooo fat!"

A tear dropped from Mundus' eye; Dante was just a big Meanie.

"And just look at his nose! He wasn't the champion egg balancer, his nose just looked like an egg!"

With a girlie squeal, Mundus ran off crying to his room, preparing for a large box of ice cream with a spoon and a long telephone gossip with a friend. And crying into the pillow.

Dante walked back to the entrance of the underworld, forgetting once again the directions he had just taken, so once he passed by again, everything would be new to him. He returned the "new age fashion trend" clothes back to the wardrobe and walked on. He came to the room with the two frosts in it. Dante's expression tightened.

"Stand back!" he said cautiously "I've got a weapon and I'm afraid to use it!"

The frosts, realising the meaning of what Dante had just said, pounced.

Dante raised ebony and ivory, preparing to shoot. His teeth were chattering, and there was a dark blotch on his trousers which was making a smelly puddle beneath his feet.

He was too late, the frosts were shredding him to bits. Dante realised that it might be helpful to fight back. He punched one of the frosts with Ifrit, making a large burn stain on it. Dante's eyes unfocused. He was playing his favourite pastime; playing with fire.

With a maniacal scream, Dante went haywire on the two Frosts. They were gone within seconds of Dante's idiotic rampage.

Dante walked right through the slime that covered the exit, ignoring the fact that he was meant to open it first. He looked around. The entire room was covered in shiny squiggles. His eyes widened.

"Dante, help!" came a familiar voice.

He looked across the room.

"Hi, Trish!"

"HELP ME!"

"Nice to see you again!"

"GET YOUR GODDAM ASS OVER HERE, YOU TWAT!"

Dante's bottom lip quivered. He didn't like being yelled at. Nonetheless, he walked over to Trish to try and help her out.

Suddenly, a white line drew itself around Dante, separating him from Trish and the exit. Then Shitemare came out of the ground, it hardened and roared at Dante, trying to look intimidating.

Dante, thinking it was a game, roared back. Shitemare stared at him blankly. Dante roared at him again. Shitemare started attacking Dante, having nothing better to do. Dante jumped on Shitemare, attempting an attack. Shitemare ate him.

Dante found himself in the Nightmare world. He looked around. There, surrounding him, were the skulls that took his shiny things. His eyes reddened. The air around him went fuzzy. He had no worries in killing them all. Then, the most unlikely person imaginable appeared. Nelo Angelo.

"VERGIL!" Dante shrieked, clasping his hands around his brother "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU AGAIN!"

Vergil's face showed contempt.

"Eww, you sick freak! Do you know how gay that sounds?"

Dante's face went red.

"At least I don't strut around the place wearing tight armour, that's probably why all the woman ignore, it's why you're still a VIRGIN!" he put special attention to the last word, adding to the affect.

Vergil gave a roar and charged at Dante. Dante dodged to the side, all the while teasing Vergil.

"VIRGIN VERGIL! VIRGIN, VERGIL!"

"SHUT UP!" Vergil roared as he sliced at Dante.

The sword met it's target; Dante's nuts.

Dante fell to his knees, screaming up to the heavens.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He got up and slashed at Vergil like he had never slashed before. This time it was Vergil who fell to his knees. Dante gave a single stroke, beheading Vergil.

A light fell onto a part of the island. Before Dante went through, he picked up his manhood and sewed it back on, unskilfully and painfully. It still did the job, though. He walked into the light.

Shitemare was doing a victory dance while Trish watched with a smug grin. Suddenly Shitemare got a strange feeling. It groaned; it shouldn't have eaten that Dante. With a disgusting sound, Shitemare crapped onto the floor, hurting his ass severely.

Dante was out of Shitemare, though he smelled terrible. This wasn't anything new, so everyone ignored it.

Dante looked at the shiny thingies on the wall. He couldn't resist hitting them. Shitemare hardened again, changing from the position of diarrhoea to giant turd. Shitemare roared and attacked Dante. Dante actually dodged and fought back, putting a shocked expression on everyone's face. Shitemare hit Dante, making Dante realise that his current battle technique wasn't effective, so he returned to his old classic: running around in circles like a complete idiot.

Shitemare soon got dizzy and fell over, revealing his core. Dante liked this new shiny thing, but he knew that it was evil. So he proceeded to beat the living crap out of it (literally) and caused severe damage to Shitemare.

This was not going to Trish's liking at all, so she struck Dante with lightning.

Dante fell over, then tried to get up. He failed. So, he was stuck there for a while, looking like a turtle. Eventually, he managed to get up (like true turtle fashion).

His eyes widened when he discovered who had just attacked him.

"Trish? You?" he rasped hoarsely.

Trish pulled off an evil laugh.

"You fool! You should know better than to trust a stranger! Humans. What sweets-"

Dante interrupted her.

"Cool, I'm a sweet!" he started gnawing on his arm.

Trish stared at him, repulsed. Luckily, Shitemare did not have the skills of a turtle, so he remained on the floor for all of this. Trish cleared her throat and continued.

"Your presence has become a hindrance to masters evil plan, you're-"

Unfortunately, the words "presence" and "hindrance" were too big for Dante to understand. He just stood there and nodded now and then, pretending that he had a perfect understanding of what Trish was saying. To make it look more convincing, he said understanding words now and then.

"So I shall have to destroy you-"

"Mhm, interesting"

"…… what?"

Dante nodded his head understandingly.

"Er-hem, anyway, you will have to be annihilated-"

"That makes sense"

"………"

"Mhm"

"……..,."

"Of course"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Brilliant! You're a genius!"

Trish shut up.

"Hmm, is that right?"

"…….."

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you stop talking?"

Trish shocked him out of annoyance.

Shitemare got up and tried to attack Dante again.

"STAY OUT OF THIS!" screamed Trish, instantly killing Shitemare.

Shitemare screeched and started bubbling, lines of white light poured out of him. The symbols all over the room vanished; Shitemare had acted as the sacrifice needed to move on. The light panned sideways, Trish managed to duck, but Dante wasn't paying attention. His wig got shredded. Trish stared at him, wide eyed. Dante flushed. He reached into his pocket and used the instant hair lengthener that he had kept. Trish was still staring at him. Dante shifted uncomfortably.

"Aren't we supposed to be having a battle?" he said, trying to change the subject.

Trish nodded and went to attack Dante again, though her eyes were still wide: that image would haunt her for weeks.

Suddenly the light slashed through a pillar of stone that Trish was standing beside. The rock tumbled, threatening to crush her.

"Cool," said Dante, genuinely interested "A falling stone!"

He then realised that Trish had a better view of the rock.

"Outta my way, bitch!" he said impatiently as he shoved her out of the rocks way. Due to his terrible hand-eye coordination, he managed to jump out of the way as well.

Trish and Dante lay sprawled on the floor. Dante rose and wiped the dust off his coat. Trish slowly rose as well as Dante walked away.

"Dante, why did you save me?" she asked.

Dante walked up to her, thinking he was about to get the "You're my hero!" speech.

What he got, though, was a slap across the face.

"HOW DARE YOU PUSH ME OUT OF YOUR WAY, YOU BRUTE!"

Dante sniffled and walked away. Trish's face softened.

"Why did you save me though?"

Dante didn't bother turning to face her (he was afraid that he would get slapped again).

"'cause you look like my mother" he said, making up a reasonable excuse. He didn't feel like telling her that he didn't mean to save her.

He walked off, making Trish feeling guilty.

Three red orbs appeared beside her.

"TRISH, YOU STILL DON'T HAVE MY TISSUES, YOU HAVE FAILED ME"

Trish's eyes widened.

"REPORT TO THE THRONE ROOM, I HAVE A PLAN. OH, BY THE WAY, I'M OUT OF ICE CREAM, COULD YOU GET SOME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?"

In the centre of the Earth--

Mole Scientist: right here's the plan for the weapon you thought up.

ML#1: Perfect, this bomb will eradicate all the humans, while leaving their buildings intact!

ML#2: Then, we shall steal all of their monuments and rule over the human world!

ML#1: No human could get in our way! It'll only be moles left to rule!"

Both Moles: MUHUHUHAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAA!

Mole Scientist: Dudes, you guys are so evil. Chill.

Almost done. There's only gonna be two more chapters left. BUT, don't think that means you don't have to review! I want to hear all of your opinions on what should happen at the end. I'm not gonna update until I get at least 5 reviews for this chapter.

Yes, I'm well aware that I made Mundus a complete sissy nerd in this story. That's the way I planned it. I want you all to imagine him as an extremely sensitive nerd that gets really hurt by insults. It will take a huge part in the rest of the story. Also, imagine that he likes to sulk a lot. Think of him as something like a 40 year old who lives with his mother.

I'll take this as a chance to advertise for my friends fic. "Read DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOME POINT, DAMMIT!" also, I received a review saying that my friend writes well, but has nothing on me. If you read his latest chapter, you will have learned this. I admit, if he had started this fic before me, it would be at least as good as it is now, most likely better. Even though the person who reviewed is a good subscriber, I had to disagree on this point. No offence to her. She knows who she is.

The mole people are finally back, sorry about leaving them out for a while. I'm gonna say this now. They won't be in the next chapter, though you'll be hearing about their secret weapon on the final part.

'til the next time. (remember, the five review thing)

Ciao.