Short stupid, random, plothole, senseless humor story! Please don't judge me by this.. I just needed to take out all of the stupid ideas on my brain! Please read if you don't mind absolute lack of continuity, or your favourite Turks behaving like dumb kids!
The ShinRa Picnic
or
"Dude, where's my Frisbee?"
"Give me a Frisbee and I'll move the world."
Anonymous.
It all began at 13:13 hours of day 13 of Month 13 of the year.. well, whatever, it was a motherfucking bad luck day.
Way too much goddamn work had gotten the Turks (no relation with turkeys) a little edgy. After a specially memorable occasion when Sephiroth demanded a pink ShinRa wallet, or else he would burn down a small village and unleash Armageddon over the world, or after Reno received a brutal beating after being found peeking at the girl's bathroom for the two hundred and forty seventh time, the elite directive decided to take on drastical measures.
And yes, that was a negative towards the pink wallet.
"The ShinRa picnic?" asked Reno in a look of the purest astonishment, as if a hundred Barret-in-thongs would have been put in front of him. "You're kidding me. You must be kidding. I demand that you're kidding."
"You can't demand. You work for us. You're our dog. You bark when we say bark, you fetch when we say fetch, and when we say you're going to go to a company picnic, you're going to fucking go to the fucking picnic and you're going to fucking enjoy it!"
There was one thing to recognize about Rufus: The guy had some leadership qualities. That was why Reno limited himself to yell, swore, make some hand gestures, and drop the red-colored leaflet announcing the incoming event of doom. You could bring your own juice.
"Rude.. say something!" bellowed Reno over his shoulder, like a kid would do when his mom says no, then recurring to papa.
"Whatever" was the laconic answer, along with a shrug of the calm Turk.
"Hey, that isn't your line!"
"You asked me to say something." Dumbass.
"Come on guys, it's a picnic!" interceded Elena, perfectly knowing that no one had asked her. Or cared. "It'll be fun, c'mon!"
"Yes, yes, listen to darling cute Elena here" said Rufus, holding her cheek until it turned painful purple. "It's going to be in Costa del Sol, so bring some suntan. The company will take care of the rest."
And after Rufus had departed in an helicopter, despite the fact that he could have just use the elevator, the fierce debate ensued.
"Crybaby Elena!"
"I'm not crying!"
"Yes you are!"
"I'm not!"
"You are!"
"I'm not!"
"…"
And the last line was dropped in by Sephiroth, whose lines like these made one think why did a writer bothered on writing him lines.
But a very special person was listening in front of them while he mopped the floors..
Even when the Turks had made a dozen anger/rage/fury episodes when they were announced, they had not a single chance of denying it.
They were going to the picnic, all Reno, Rude, Elena, Tseng, Sephiroth, Zack, and all the others the author doesn't remember, but appear in the promotional art for "Before Crisis", all of them cramped in a sand buggy like a clown car. Like a tuna can. Like a happy family. And they'd better enjoy it.
"Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games, we got everything you want-"
"Reno, will you please stop singing? Or change the track? We've been listening to Guns 'N Rosies all the way!"
"I'm the driver, Tseng! Once you drive, you'll choose!"
And fifteen minutes with thirty-two seconds later, when the Turks developed a clever trap (Reno went to the bathroom, so Tseng took his place), Reno was sitting in the other side of the buggy, arms crossed and looking in the opposite direction, while the stupid childish voices of Handsom resonated on his ears.
The blue sand, white water.. wait, the blue water and white sand of the paradisiacal Costa del Sol appeared soon over the horizon, looking as if God had put a piece of Heaven (the one with bikinis) on Earth. As if cut-off from a promotional magazine. As if all evil and badness of humanity had been erased, and only the perfect work of nature and landscaping had remained.
The Turks loathed it.
"And I welcome all employees of ShinRa to this Picnic where we commemorate.. uh.. the denial of your demands" announced Rufus once the great parade after his helicopter arrival had ended.
Sephiroth gave a soft sound, like something between, like, a growl and a hiss, a sound only capable for those who have been denied a pink wallet.
"..which gives us a cheap solution. So it is for me a pleasure to tell you this: You have no escape. You are going to stay on this fucking picnic, and you're going to fucking enjoy it."
"Makes you think if this guy's just plain sadical, ShinRa or not" observed Tseng, carrying an enormous white ball under his arm.
"So let the games begin!" finally said Rufus, shuffling through the last of his speech cards.
Silence.
One of the guards behind him raised a sign with the words "Applause! PLEASE!"
Applause.
Two figures were moving in a mysteriously way towards the beach, hidden with an foolproof disguise: a shark fin. Who would ever doubt of two innocent sharks, swimming innocently on the Costa del Sol beach, a beach famous for its "NO SHARKS" signs?
Barret and Cloud knew it. They had developed the plan after Cloud had infiltrated ShinRa, disguised as a mediocre worker, which wasn't so apart from the truth.
And once they had sabotaged this Picnic, the Turks would be so work-stressed that they would fell one by one, like playing bowling.
This picnic would be the glorious of days for AVALANCHE!
Reno had to admit something, something that not even Rufus or anyone else could ever take from him.
Costa del Sol was full with cuties. He could already see the white robe of Hojo, somewhere in the middle of a cloud of bikinis, and Elena and the female Turks themselves were wearing short bikinis and beach skirts with the purpose of improving their business relationships.
Once all of the Turks had taken their obligatory relaxing (note the contradiction) posts, it was all going according to mission parameters.
Tseng and Elena were playing volleyball, dead or alive. The huge beach ball that Tseng had brought, white as a Moogle, could compress itself to form a more convenient ball, so there was no need for demanding a riot and later escape here.
Zack and Sephiroth were playing soccer at one end of the beach, in penalties. But every time Zack kicked the ball, a weird music would start playing from nowhere, and Sephiroth, complete with a cap and keeper's gloves, would stop anything. Zack could swear that sometimes he could even see a glimpse of feathers that would stop the ball from entering.
Rude, in a "Kiss the Chef" vest, was busy preparing the food for the proper maintenance of their bodies, and the steaks were almost ready. The exact amount between red and black.. ahh, how sexy was this meat..
"Rude, watch out!"
And that was all the warning Reno could give before a blazing-red Frisbee attacked Rude's face, throwing him backwards.
The always calm and collected Turk rose up, brushing the sand from his impeccable attire. A blue spot was spreading on his forehead. And if he hadn't been wearing his sunglasses, everyone could see something.
He was fucking pissed off.
And then all hell broke loose.
"Sorry, man.. Could you pass it back-?" Reno asked, but interrupted himself when he saw that the Frisbee was already in the way. A fiery, red-hot, smokey and greasy meat Frisbee. Reno catched it with his face.
A correct onomatopey of what Reno said then could have been "AAGHWHATTHEYOUSONOVAIIIEEEARRGHHH", followed by many exclamation signs: "!111!eleven!"
"Rude, don't be rude!" Oh, man, Reno!" yelled Elena, attracting everybody's attention to the Turk that was trashing around in the floor, cooking a steak on his face. With a quick glance, she realized she needed a tool to remove the foreign object.
"Hey, my sand shovel!" yelled a little boy, before starting crying, when Elena ran over to him and stole his toy, that he was using to make an innocent castle.
"This won't hurt a bit, Reno!" assured Elena to the wild-trashing redhead, and then she forced the steak out of Reno's face, but he wouldn't stop screaming for two reasons. One, that the meat had already burned him.
And two, that she had forgot about the sand on the little plastic-blue shovel, and it had entered his eyes.
"We need water!" she yelled to her comrades.
"Right!" answered Tseng, who had already ran to the beach and collected a bucket full of the precious liquid.
"No, not salad water-!" she yelled, but it was too late.
Reno let out some more words that child's minds shouldn't know, contrasting brutally with his pain screams.
"Oh man, what else could go wrong..?" asked Elena to the sky in desperation. And then a football hit her in the face.
Elena fell backwards as if a firing squad had just executed her, which wasn't so far from the truth: Zack and Sephiroth had swapped places, and Zack had ducked to avoid a Sephiroth's shot.
"This is the war!" yelled Tseng, catching one of the many Frisbees that were lying around in the beach, and throwing it to Zack. The SOLDIER ran for it, but Tseng's deadly aim made it look like if the Frisbee had a homing device on it, before hitting its target, with a loud thunk and an even louder yell.
Resuming his attention on Elena, Tseng noticed a bruise on the fallen Turk's eye.
"Reno, we need some meat.. Oh shit."
The second hot steak hit him in the face, and he joined Reno in the sand, trashing around and screaming. And it was lucky, really, since another shot from Sephiroth would have hit him next, if he hadn't fallen right in that moment.
But the football went soaring over their bodies, right towards the beach..
"AVALAN..!"
..right towards the human shark's face.
Barret had chosen that right moment to emerge from the water, and with the luck to meet face-first Sephiroth's kicking strength. The great AVALANCHE leader fell on his back to the water, with the luck to fall right over Cloud, who had been just behind him. The ex-SOLDIER found himself buried below sand, water, and a few hundred pounds of man.
"Did that shark said anything?" asked a girl, tugging his mom's dress.
"…No." No need to start seeing impossible things, not after she had explained to her daughter that inhaling Mako could burn the brain.
Horrible day. Horrible, horrible day.
Those were Rufus's thoughts as he was in his office that night.
After the slowestday in history passed, and Rufus finally appeared in helicopter to tell them the picnic had ended so they could fuck off now (exact wording), he was left alone, pondering about it.
Even if someday Sephiroth were to turn against us, burning a small town to the ground, and bringing Armageddon, only to reappear years later with a deadly virus, this would still be the stupidest day in ShinRa's story.
Another solution would be necessary so the ShinRa employees wouldn't start messing up. Like making Sephiroth clones. Or giving him his pink wallet.
Rufus opted for the clones.
…Fin.