A/N: Thanks to the five reviewers!

Nova-Janna: I'm glad you liked it! Hee, hee, I thought that line was sort of funny, too… Thanks for reviewing.

hedwigmail: Yes, Annie's is much better for you! Ha, ha. Anyway, thanks a lot for reviewing. The site is now letting me update! Yesss! Although now that I've just said that out loud (or rather… typed it…) I've probably jinxed it and it will never work again. Great.

xxlei: Ha, ha. I'm glad you think so, but may I ask why? Thanks for reviewing!

Shan: Lol! Why won't your family feed you? Thanks for reviewing!

Alenor: Draco's gone crazy! Ha, ha. Thanks for your review!

Disclaimer: Here's what I own: the idea. Here's what J.K. owns: All of the characters. And the location. And the classes. And the Sex Gods. Sigh.

0000

It was absolutely official that I had lost my position as the school Sex God for not having done it in a month when I walked upstairs to the Prefect's Dormitory that Friday evening. I was hoping for a peaceful – or not so peaceful with my stupid babbling mind – night to myself where I could just sort out all the irritating problems that were running incessantly through my brain. But when I recited the password and stepped through the portrait hole, instead I found two people had taken my lovely room from me.

"Um… Excuse me?" I said, confused.

The two looked up from their foreplay. It was none other than Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter.

Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter.

They were getting more action than I was.

"Yes, Malfoy?" Harry questioned after a moment's awkward silence.

"…This is my room…" I said, still somewhat puzzled.

The two burst out laughing like a pair of awful sit-com stars or something. It was disgusting.

"You certainly haven't been using this room for what it's actually used for," Ginny said.

"And besides; when was it ever your room?" Harry asked rudely.

My mouth dropped open. Dare he question my sexual authority? "This has always been my room," I retorted. "As long as I've been a prefect, it has. Everyone in this entire school knows that. Now get out." I stepped aside, leaving a clear path from the bed to the portrait hole. "Please."

There was another moment of awkward silence.

"Draco," Harry finally said. "We're not leaving. It would be great if you would, though."

I scowled at the two of them, half jealous and half just plain angry. "Fuck you," I finally mumbled, leaving the room in an agitated huff.

What had become of me?

0000

I couldn't believe I was doing it, but there was no other way. It was a bright and cheerful Saturday afternoon so I looked where I assumed she would most likely be spending her time. Of course, I was right on my first guess.

I'm an incredible judge of character. Sex Gods have to be, didn't you know that?

She was sitting at a table covered with books in the back of the library, scribbling away at the longest piece of parchment I've ever seen.

I sat down across from her. "Hi," I finally said when she didn't look up.

She glanced up and then back down at her parchment and then back up again. "Malfoy?" was her response.

"Hi, Hermione," I said again.

"…Hi…?"

"Yes, that would be a good response," I said cleverly.

She smiled smally before turning back to her parchment.

"Incase you haven't noticed, I've been a little off lately." I cut to the chase.

"Mmhmm…" she reacted vaguely.

"And I think that you can help me fix my problem," I continued.

She paused in her writing, put her quill down, and calmly looked up at me. "What?" she simply asked.

"I think you can help me fix my problem," I repeated.

"…How…?" she questioned.

"Well," I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, "You may or may not know this – well, you probably do – but I've slept with every girl in the sixth and seventh years at Hogwarts."

She looked dubious.

"Except you."

"Thanks for that information," she said sarcastically.

"Let me finish," I commanded nicely. "I just think that if we could spend some… quality time together… I might go back to my old self."

She looked at me curiously before her eyes widened. She finally got it. "Malfoy – Malfoy are you asking me to –" she lowered her voice to a whisper, "– sleep with you?"

"We –" I started.

"No, no, no. You can't just put it that blatantly," she interrupted. "No, Malfoy – Are you out of your mind? Are you crazy? It's me! Hermione Granger! The filthy Mudblood! This really is getting to your head." She was babbling. "I'm sure Pansy would be more than ecstatic to sleep with you so go bother her and leave me to do my Transfiguration essay in peace, please!"

"Hermione, you're taking this completely the wrong way," I retorted.

"No, I am not!" she cried in a harsh whisper.

"Yes, you are," I said. "You are the only person who can save me from this awful punishment. You are the only person who can cure my ailment. I hate it as much as you do but it must be done." I was turning into some stupid poet or something. At least that's what I sounded like.

"Draco, you're being crazy," she explained, speaking in her normal voice once again. "Now leave before I call Madame Pince over here and accuse you of sexual harassment."

I frowned at her before reluctantly standing up in my seat. I turned around but not soon enough to see her flashing me one of my smirks.

The world was on a downward spiral and I needed to stop it.

0000

Another week went by and every time I passed Hermione in the hallways she would avoid me. She would just turn around and walk the other way. Well at least that meant that she was intimidated by me. If she wasn't intimidated by me then she wouldn't run away from me. She obviously was running because she had something to fear. And that meant that I was getting to her. It would still take time, but I was still getting to her.

I finally decided it would be time for another confrontation. I found her in the library, of course, that evening.

"Okay," I said, sitting across from her at her table. "We can do this the normal way."

She looked up from the pile of books she was reading that were placed in front of her. "Or we can do this the nonexistent way," she retorted.

I frowned. "Why do you have to be so annoying about this? Why can't you just help me? Would you rather me just wither away!"

She started to open her mouth.

"Okay – bad question," I interrupted. "How about you just go on one date with me?"

"No." She looked back down at her work.

"Granger," I said. "Come on, here. I'm not twelve years old anymore. I'm not going to waltz around calling you Mudblood. Have I done that in the past two years?"

She didn't respond.

"That wasn't rhetorical. I'm asking you this seriously."

"I don't know," she finally said, looking up. "I've sort of lost track."

"Let me make it up to you," I begged. I was begging a Mudblood. "Just go on one, tiny, little date with me." I was asking out a Mudblood.

"Make what up to me?" she asked, looking a good mix of pissed and skeptical. "Make up all those years of hell? That's not going to happen, Malfoy, especially not from one date with you, you idiot." She snapped one of her books closed for dramatic effect. "Now please. Leave me alone."

I was walking away completely unsatisfied from a Mudblood.

I hated that ho-bag with all my heart.

0000

A/N: Short. I know. And it took forever to update because I was away and there was Christmas and what not. Please review! I'll give you the first season of Arrested Development on DVD. I like that show. It's narrated by Ron Howard )