Legal Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. There would be much much more sex in it if I did.

Fan Disclaimer: Slight AU (Explained in a second) and DRIPPING with original characters. Pairings I like: Naru/Hina, Shika/Ino. Sasuke is a bastard, and Sakura is useless and whiny. You have been warned.

Author's Notes:

Slight adjustments to the universe: Itachi didn't kill the ENTIRE Uchiha clan, just most of it. I think that the odds that the whole clan was in the compound at the SAME night is pretty silly, so Itachi just murdered his parents and everyone else nearby cept Sasuke.

This fic starts out about 6 months after the 3 years starts. So Naruto leaves with Jiraiya and 6 months later, this stuff starts. Don't worry, I don't really think Naruto is capable of being away from Ichiraku for 3 years straight. He'll pop in. :D

Thanks to Alphacat, who owns Yowamushi (Last I checked, he wasn't sexoring him, alas) and is my awesome Assistant Author and Beta Reader.

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A man walked into an office. The office was highly unusual, being guarded by some of the most people people in the country. Of course, the owner of this office was the most powerful person in the country. The man walking in was almost as unusual. He had dark red hair, running back in a ponytail, which changed to a pure white about half way down, obviously bleached. He looked to be about in his mid twenties, and was wearing pretty standard clothing, jeans and a t-shirt, with a denim jacket over the shirt. Of course, this is standard only to a modern society. In a city of ninjas, his attire was slightly out of the ordinary. But, this city was known for tolerating several other fashion abominations, specifically bright orange jackets and dark green form fitting jumpsuits, so he really didn't stand out much. The man walked in, and stood next to the large formal desk. The woman behind the desk ignored him for a moment, and continued fiddling with her paperwork. This woman was known throughout the world for numerous reasons. She was the single best healer in history. She was the supreme commander of all of Fire country's ninjas. She was the Legendary Sucker, and one of the Densetsu no Sannin. She also had the largest set of breasts that most men would ever be fortunate enough to see. Oh, and she was strong enough to lift her massive oak desk and hurl it out the nearby window. With one hand.

...She's ignoring me. Why is she ignoring me? If she heard about the less than stellar mission results than she might be pissed. But that's not her style: she'd scream, holler, and punch me through some walls. This is starting to freak me out. I remembered to get dressed properly...Right? Yep, pants still there. Zipper is check. She's still ignoring me. If she wasn't the hokage, I'd say she hadn't noticed me. But that's impossible, the doors are loud, and I wasn't even trying to be quiet. Wait, she's not even writing anything. She's just sitting there. What the hell... This is so weird. Wait... what's that sound- Oh god.

"...Tsunade-sama." The man said. The woman failed to respond. "Tsunade-sama!" He repeated, louder. When this too failed to gather a response, his eye twitched for a moment. "Tsunade-sama! WAKE UP!"

Tsunade, finally rising from her slumber, raised her head from the desk and gracefully articulated, "Muh... wha?" The man standing there looked absolutely... well, not quite disgusted. Exasperated would be a good word. Tsunade shook her head a bit, and said, "Mm. Report, shinobi." The man responded, "Ok. But you don't get to be TOO pissed at me. You were snoring." Tsunade shot him her infamous Glare of Ultimate Doom, "Yamato, if you bungled one simple diplomatic mission..."

"Ehhh... they wouldn't make good allies anyway." At this point, Tsunade's eye twitched. Dangerously. Many knew to flee for the hills upon seeing this minor muscle tic. Yamato was either very confidant of his abilities, stupid, or not paying attention. The correct answer was D), Bluffing out his ass. He continued, "About 5 minutes after I got there, I found a group of bullies using techniques to beat on a defenseless little kid." Well. Not really. I think I'll leave out that I thought he was a girl. And that it was 6 on 1 and he beat 3 of them down. "I ended up helping him, because I'm not about to let a little kid get beaten on. Turns out later that the bullies' little ring leader happened to be the village elder's son. Bit of a diplomatic oops."

Tsunade stared at him, "I don't think there would be anything wrong with making sure the elder's son doesn't beat up a small child."

Yamato scratched the back of his head a bit, looking obviously nervous. "I might have been a little... enthusiastic..." He wasn't THAT badly hurt. I only burned MOST of the skin off that arm.

Tsunade, still staring dangerously, growled, "You... you probably pulverized the village elder's son! On a mission to get them to be allies with us! Great. I'm going to have to send our best negotiators out just to make amends."

Yamato, now highly concerned with his personal safety, averted his gaze from the hokage's eyes. "Well... I might have... helped-the-kid-blackmail-the-elder's-son-and-I-took-him-back-with-me-and-he's-waiting-in-the-lobby."

Tsunade blinked. And then blinked again.

Yamato swallowed, heavily. I could make it to the window. She's not THAT fast. I could totally get to the window and be out of here. Being a rogue wasn't that bad; being a missing-nin probably isn't that much worse. Better than the certain death that I face here. She'll show my skull to academy students.

Tsunade's eye twitched again. "You... incompetent... they don't HAVE words for how STUPID you are. You... blackmailed the elder's son... basically abducted a boy from another village..." She stopped for a moment. "He's here? What do you expect us to DO with him?"

Yamato, thanking the gods that she finally asked something that he had thought about, responded, "Train him. I'll do it. The kid is good."

Tsunade, in spite of her rage, widened her eyes in awe, "You? Train someone! We've been trying to get you with a genin team for a year and a half!"

Yamato shrugged. "No reason for me to train useless little academy brats."

Tsunade sighed in disgust, "Just like Jiraiya. 'Too good' to train students. What's so different about this kid?"

Yamato grinned mischeviously, "I taught him Gokakyu and Housenka in the time it took to walk back from his village."

Tsunade's jaw practically dropped. "That's about a 6 day hike. You mean to tell me you taught this kid two upper level genin techniques in less than a week?"

Yamato nodded, "He has an amazing memory. If I didn't know he had his village bloodline, I'd suspect he had some sort of invisible sharingan."

Tsunade was silent for a moment. "...Why?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why. You're an idiot sometimes, but you do things for a reason. Why did you bring this kid back here?"

"...That village... it's pretty much just that one clan. And they have that feline bloodline, you know about that. This kid is the 'runt'. So he's basically a second class citizen there. He's picked on, just because he doesn't have the physical strength that most of them do. That's his family for christ's sake, and basically his cousin, was beating on him because his bloodline aspect was inferior. I... just can't stand that. ...You know why."

Tsunade nodded, after a moment. "... All right. We'll keep him. But he should still go to the academy to at least take the test."

Yamato shook his head. "No way, waste of time. He already knows two D-rank techniques, remember?" She knows that as well as I do. The bargaining begins...

"I don't care. No one gets a forehead protector without taking that exam."

Yamato just stared at her. "Except me." ...She wants something.

"The council will call him a security risk. I have to explain why we're taking him in."

"...How about because you don't want me to take my backed up five straight months of sick leave and vacation?"

This apparently took Tsunade by surprise. "Um. Well, that works, I guess. But you have to train him!"

Yamato smirked. "Deal." Crazy old hag, I already said that.

They shook on it, and Tsunade let loose a triumphant grin. "Too bad that Konoha law doesn't have anything in place for official one on one tutoring between a jounin and a genin. Unless you want him on someone else's team..."

Yamato paled, his eyes widening. Shit. "...You just saddled me with a team."

Tsunade, still grinning as wide as her favorite little fox-child would, gleefully announced, "Yes! Yes I did. Congratulations, you'll meet with your brand new Team 5 on Monday morning. This was perfect timing, really. Graduation was yesterday, and we had 2 little geniuses left over."

Yamato, still utterly in shock, couldn't respond. I was just suckered by the legendary sucker. ...I need a story. If this gets out, I will never live it down. I'm doomed. And oh, god. I have to put up with genins now. Every single day. And I'm going to have to put up with freaking C-rank missions! I see why all the other teachers saddle the brats with D-ranks, so they can go do REAL missions.

Tsunade interrupted Yamato's train of thought. "Now, if you don't have anything else to report, go get this kid registered. Luckily for you, Iruka is around the tower today, registering all the other graduates. Drag the boy down there and get him a forehead protector. Speaking of, what's his name?"

Yamato smirked. "Yowamushi."

Tsunade deadpanned, "They named him 'weakling'?"

Yamato shrugged again. "I told you they weren't very nice to him. Anyway. Off to registration I guess. Bye Hokage-sama."

He half bowed, really nothing more than a polite nod, then turned and walked out the large double doors to the waiting room. The doors remained open for a moment, and Tsunade's heart skipped a beat as she glanced past them. That was the single cutest child she had ever laid eyes on. He was the perfect mix of boyishness, girlishness, and, to be blunt, patheticness. He was even sitting there swinging his legs back and forth in the chair, looking utterly adorable, until he saw Yamato and hopped off. Every maternal instinct she had screamed at her to rush out there and hug the boy to bits. Luckily for the boy, she managed to control herself. With Tsunade, it would literally be 'to bits'. Yamato was obviously doing his best to appear cool, badass, and aloof. He was doing a decent job, considering that Yowa was tugging on his sleeve trying to get his attention. As they walked off, what seemed to be the boy's cat following, Tsunade could tell that he would adopt this boy, if he needed to. He'd apparently connected with the child during their short time together. Not that surprising, if one knew the similar family problems he had faced. However, she was quite sure the boy knew nothing of this. Tsunade was one of the very few in Konoha that knew; he really didn't like to talk about it. At all. She smiled. Some days she really loved this job.