Marius is allergic to banana peels.
You should have learned this last chapter.
It is actually fairly relevant information this chapter.
Cosette tends to slip on banana peels.
You should also have learned this last chapter.
It is not relevant information this chapter.
Enjolras likes to screw Persian bar girls.
The Persian bar girls know this very well.
Wait.
How the heck did this kind of irrelevant information get in here?
That's private business, you know.
Eponine was crushed under the weight of eight people.
Most of them were more contented than she was.
That sentence sounded vaguely disturbing.
But nobody cares.
If you do, that's all right.
So do we.
We are nobodies.
And everybodies.
Simply because we can be.
Phear our wrath.
We screw Enjolras.
Simply because we can.
He is a naughty boy.
Yes.
He is.
But once again, that is private information.
It is also irrelevant.
But this whole thing seems to be about mainly irrelevant information.
That really sucks, now doesn't it?
…
But not for free.
Unless you're a sexy, sexy French man.
Or Phantom.
Or Revolutionary.
Or Vicomte.
But only the Patrick Wilson version.
We're getting off the subject.
Back to Eponine.
She is still feeling quite crushed under the weight of eight bodies.
Don't mind how that sounds.
It's your own fault if you think like we do.
We're Authoresses.
It's how we make our money.
Despite the fact that we don't get paid.
There are other ways of earning one's living.
Most of them involve sexy French guys and back rooms of bars.
But we won't go into details.
…
Back to business.
Eponine's nose was broken.
Poor Eponine's nose.
She had to get a nose job to get the swelling down.
That was her sixth nose job that week.
In case you were wondering why she was so poor.
She met Michael Jackson at the surgery office.
She decided she liked him better than Marius.
Just kidding.
Anyways.
The Persian bar girls decided that they had had enough fun for one day.
They got off Valjean and went back to their bar.
This freed Valjean to get off Javert.
This freed Javert to get off Marius.
But he didn't want to.
He was quite comfortable and warm where he was.
This resulted in a rather nasty catfight between Eponine, Cosette, and Javert.
Eponine's nose was still broken.
Then Michael Jackson lent Eponine his nose.
It was enough to scare Javert and Cosette away.
Marius had been knocked unconscious by Javert.
But this was the hot version Javert.
Oh well.
Eponine looked down at Marius.
She seemed to be fighting.
Finally, she decided to give way to her feelings.
She started making out with a bush that was next to Marius.
Well, not just making out.
If we went into details, we'd have to rate this R.
Gavroche was taking pictures with his camera phone.
Eponine said that she was drunk.
But we all know otherwise.
Marius woke up.
He was rather disillusioned.
He started making out with the banana peel.
Because he thought it was Cosette.
He broke out in hives.
We told you he was allergic to banana peels.
For once, we have very relevant information.
Then Eponine decided that the bush was an inadequate partner.
Well, actually it was.
But the bush dumped her.
Because the passion was all on her side.
The bush felt no passion.
It felt the need to make food using photosynthesis.
Eponine could not make food using photosynthesis.
Can you?
You must be the child of Eponine and the bush.
But that will be in another chapter.
Anyways.
Eponine and Marius started making out.
Eponine got hives.
We don't know for sure if you can catch hives.
But you can now.
It serves our purposes.
Because we screw Enjolras.
But we've been into that.
Then Marius got tired of Eponine.
He went looking for Cosette.
They made out.
Rather loudly, might we add.
Cosette got hives.
Marius got bored after she got hives.
Because she could not make food using photosynthesis.
He went to Javert.
He's a policeman, Marius reasoned.
Policemen make food using photosynthesis, he thought.
We think he was confusing policemen with plants.
Marius made out with Javert anyway.
Javert got hives.
Then Jean Valjean got hives.
No one knows quite why.
He just did.
In the end, Enjolras was the only one who didn't get hives.
That's because he was at the Persian bar.
He was rather occupied.
With three other people.
The three people happened to be female.
The three females were also rather occupied with him.
At the same time.
But those four were having a great time.
Can't say anything for the rest of the Amis.
It turns out that Marius should have made out with Enjolras.
Because Enjolras can make food using photosynthesis.
That's probably why the bar girls find him so attractive.
What are the odds of that?