Complications, chapter 2
The following afternoon, Jack was back in Kate's driveway. He had called first, to make sure she was home and stopped for dinner on the way. 'I won't stay as long this time.' Last night, he could barely unlock the door to his apartment, his hands were shaking so badly.
He knew he shouldn't be here two days in a row. He had to be careful until everything was wrapped up with the Salazars. Well, maybe that was a little unrealistic. It would be quite some time before the Salazars were 'wrapped up'. Still, he knew that Hector would try something soon. He just wasn't sure what that something would be, or what form it would take. Would he try to free Ramon, or would he try to retaliate? Whatever it was, Jack wanted to be sure that he wasn't around Kate when it happened.
'So, what am I doing here?' Jack thought to himself. He didn't know. All he knew was that he had left CTU and instead of heading in the direction of his apartment, he had headed to Hancock Park. Kate had seemed happy to hear from him and to have dinner with him again. 'I guess that's why I'm here.'
Kate stood in the doorway waiting for him, holding the door open for his entrance. He was struck by how beautiful she looked today and by the fact that he hadn't noticed yesterday. The blouse she wore emphasized the swell of her abdomen and before he realized what he was doing, their dinner was shifted to one hand and he leaned forward to kiss her cheek, resting his free hand on her belly. The brief kiss ended and he read the surprise in her eyes. They both looked at his hand pressed against her. Finally, he pulled it away, stepping past her and into the foyer.
She watched him proceed into the kitchen, emotions in turmoil. She wanted to read more into his casual kiss, but at the same time, didn't want to. She remembered when they had first started dating. There was this same uncertainty. They had barely known each other, but felt deeply connected by everything that had happened in that single day. It was the same now. They had been through so much together. They had lived together. They had made a baby together. And yet, there was still so much uncertainty between them. She didn't even know what they were to each other or if there ever was going to be a 'them' again.
'Stop analyzing everything,' she berated herself. 'I should just be happy that he's here, safe and sound, and that he actually wants to be here with me. And I should go and be with him instead of standing in front of the door all alone.'
A week later, Jack found himself in Kate's driveway again. He had been here every night but one since he found out about their baby. 'I should go,' he argued with himself. 'I'm putting her at risk.' Even as he thought the words, he realized that the damage had been done. She was already at risk. If the Salazars were watching him, they would know that she was important to him. They would assume that she was carrying his baby. He needed to take steps to make sure that they were kept safe. He would have to tell her at least part of what had happened while he was gone. 'But not tonight. It's late and I can't stay long enough to make her understand.'
Kate heard the engine running in the driveway. She knew it was Jack. He stopped calling before he came, but had already done this a few times over the last week. She would hear him pull in, and he would sit there. Sometimes, the engine would idle for almost ten minutes. She wasn't sure what he was doing. 'Maybe he's not sure if he's welcome. Maybe he thinks he's intruding.' She didn't know if her thoughts rang true. Moreover, she didn't know how to tell him that he was welcome, anytime. She didn't know how to tell him that she waited every night for the sound of his car in her driveway. She couldn't tell him how disappointed she was when he didn't come that one night; how she had half-dialled his number again and again, telling herself that she was just calling to make sure that he was alright. But she never was able to complete the call because she knew the truth was that all she really wanted was to hear his voice.
Tonight he was later than usual and she had thought that he wasn't going to come at all. She had already changed into her pyjamas and was trying to distract herself with a movie. 'Too late to change now. With my luck, he'll knock when I'm half-naked and be gone by the time I get to the door.'
After only a couple minutes of idling, she heard the door close and the familiar beep as the doors were locked by the remote. Rising, she was at the door by the time he did knock.
"Hi, Kate." He stopped suddenly, taking in her attire. "It's late, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…"
"It's okay," she interrupted. "I was just watching a movie and wanted to be comfortable. Come in."
"No, it's okay. I should've called first. I don't want to ruin your movie night."
"Jack, don't be silly. You're not ruining my movie night. Besides, you can join me. When's the last time you sat and lost yourself in someone else's problems for a while?"
He grinned. "You know the answer to that question. The last time you made me sit through one of your movie marathons. But really, I can't stay long. I just wanted to stop by and make sure you were okay. That you didn't need anything."
'I need you,' she thought and wanted to say, but answered instead: "I need you to come in and eat the dinner I saved you. Seriously, you look like you've lost all the weight I've gained."
She had said the last part jokingly, but was truly concerned. In the time she'd known him, he'd never really had any extra meat on his bones, but she was shocked by how thin he was when he returned. Since the first couple of accidental dinner dates, she'd made a point of including him in her dinner plans. Not that it helped much. Most of the time he just pushed his food around and watched her eat.
"Okay, you win. But I'm not going to stay long. I don't want to keep you up too late. You need your sleep."
"Don't worry. I'll get it. Or did you forget that tomorrow is Saturday?"
She started the microwave and handed him a Corona. "I would think that you had enough of that," she said, indicating the beer.
He shrugged in response, pushing the lime into the neck of the bottle. "I've acquired a few tastes from my time down there." 'Isn't that the biggest understatement of all time.' He wasn't sure when he told her that he'd developed a taste for the beer or when she had started keeping some on hand for him. It had just happened. Just like his daily trips to her home after work had just happened.
Kate sat at the table and watched him eat, chatting almost mindlessly. Their conversations were usually the same, not quite small talk, but just a step above. He had finished eating quite some time ago, but they still sat at the table. It was if they knew that if they got up, then the night was over.
"Tomorrow, I'm going shopping for the nursery. Did you want to come with me?"
"I'm not sure if I can… you mean, you wouldn't mind?"
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Actually, I could use the help. There's so much that still needs to be done. The furniture's probably the easy part. Then there's clothes and blankets and diapers and… Jack, how am I ever going to be ready?"
"Don't worry, Kate. It'll get done. I'll help. I don't know how much help I'll be, but I'll help."
"I don't know. When I think about it, it's all so overwhelming. This baby will be here in just over a month and he doesn't have a bed, blankets, a car seat to come home from the hospital. He doesn't even have a name. What kind of mother am I going to be if I can't even give my baby a name? I don't know if I can do this."
Jack reached across the table and covered her hand with his. He didn't know what to say. She was actually opening up to him for the first time since he came home and he didn't know what to say.
"Kate," he squeezed her hand gently. "You can do this and you're going to be a great mother."
"You don't know that, Jack. If I don't know, you don't know. You can't know."
"I can. I do. I know you're a great person and you're kind and caring and loving, even to people who don't deserve it, like me." She smiled and he continued: "Our son is going to be the luckiest baby born because he is going to have you. Okay? So enough of this worrying. Tomorrow we'll go shopping, together. I'm sure you'll feel better without all this hanging over your head. Okay?"
"Okay."
Jack glanced at his watch. "Wow, it's almost eleven. I should get going. We've got a pretty big day tomorrow. What time do you want me to come by?"
"Stay." 'I can't believe I just said that.' Kate wanted to take the word back as soon as it was spoken, but couldn't. It hung in the silence between them.
"Kate, I don't think that's such a good idea."
"Please. I just… I'll sleep better with you beside me. Just for tonight, Jack." She didn't know what had pushed her to ask, but now she was begging him, all dignity and distance forgotten.
He wanted to stay and he didn't want to stay. Spending the night meant complications. The complications she knew about and the big one that she didn't. He searched his mind for the right words to let her down. He looked in her eyes and knew that he couldn't.
"Alright, Kate. Just for tonight."
'Now what?' she thought to herself. 'He's staying, so should we just go to bed or stay up and keep talking for a bit?' She didn't want to talk anymore. She felt exposed after taking the leap and letting him see some of what was inside her. Now she didn't know how to cover it up.
As if sensing her discomfort, Jack stood up and held his hand out to her. "Come on, you're tired. We both are."
She took his outstretched hand and let him lead her to her bedroom. Once in the room, she stood awkwardly next to the bed, unsure how to proceed. She usually slept in just a tank-top and underwear, but that hardly seemed appropriate this night. And she knew that he usually slept naked, or in just his boxers. 'This was a bad idea.'
Jack sensed her discomfort. He was pretty sure what she was thinking too. "I'm just going to hang my things up in the bathroom. They won't look too bad tomorrow then."
He closed the door giving Kate some privacy to shed her excess clothing and hide under the covers. She knew they would stop by his place tomorrow so he could change, but was grateful for the white lie all the same. He returned after a few minutes, much longer than he needed. She tried not to look at his chest as he crossed to the bed, tried not to look for new scars since she had last seen him, tried not to admire the form illuminated by the dim light from the window. She tried, but had to admit that she didn't try very hard.
And then he was next to her, lying face up as she was, not touching her at all. There were only inches between them, but it felt like miles, or months. Tears welled in her eyes as she recognized the damage their relationship had suffered and realized that the damage might never be repaired. And then his fingers found hers and a tear escaped, followed by a sniffle. The bed shifted and his face was near hers. She turned away.
"Hey, Kate, are you okay?" He turned her face back to him. "Don't cry, please."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just… missed you so much. And I was so afraid that I would never see you again. And… I'm still afraid. Please just hold me."
Jack pulled her close, pillowing her head against his shoulder, wrapping his arms around her tightly. Eyes closed, he whispered words of comfort, his lips brushing slightly against her cheek. She fell asleep and he continued to hold her, wondering at how right it felt to have her in his arms again. Eventually, he fell asleep as well.
By three o'clock, he couldn't wait any longer. He had been awake for almost an hour now. His addiction demanded his attention and he had put it off for some time, but knew he couldn't wait much longer. He knew he couldn't sleep and he knew he couldn't make it till the morning. Even if he could, it wouldn't matter. What would he do then? 'Hey Kate, why don't you make us some coffee while I go shoot up in the car?' He definitely couldn't wait until the morning.
Slowly, he drew his arms from her sleeping form, careful not to disturb her. Leaving the bed, he realized the reality of his attire. 'Can't quite go to the car in my underwear, now can I? The neighbours won't really appreciate that.' Quietly, he moved to the bathroom, grabbed his pants and left the room. He pulled them on in the foyer and left the house, grabbing his keys as he went.
'Why did I agree to stay?' Jack had solved the late night, shaky, freeway drives by using before he came to Kate's. It had been working well enough, but he hadn't planned on this. 'I don't know how I'm going to handle this,' he admitted to himself. A quick tug on the tourniquet and a vein obliged him by popping up. Slowly, he inserted the needle and pushed the drugs into his arm, waiting for the rush to overtake him.
After the rush faded, he eyed his surroundings. The reality of his current lifestyle hit him full force. He was hiding in his car, doing drugs, while the woman pregnant with his child lay sleeping in bed, completely unaware of what he was bringing into her life. He couldn't bring this into her life. He had already brought this into her life. This and all the other dangers that were apart of his life were once again linked with hers. This was why he left her the first time. This was why he wouldn't have come back. It had nothing to do with love. Actually, it had everything to do with love. He loved her too much to ruin her life. But now it was too late. He didn't have the strength to leave her again. If she asked him to, he would leave. But he needed her. He needed the hope that this baby has given him. He truly needed them both if he was going to kick this habit. And he was. He just needed to find the right time. And this wasn't it. He would sort out the Salazar's first and then the heroin. With the decision firm in his mind, he returned to her bedroom.
Jack climbed silently into bed, trying not too move any more than necessary.
"Where did you go? I heard the door close." Kate asked in a sleep-filled voice.
"Nowhere, sweetheart. I just checked to make sure that the car was locked."
Jack apologized mentally for the lie. Rolling on his side, he pressed his chest against her back, laying a protective hand on her abdomen. He pressed a kiss against her ear and whispered: "Go back to sleep. I'm right here."
Kate closed her eyes in response, but didn't fall back asleep for a long time. She'd always been a light sleeper, even more so since she'd become pregnant. She heard him when he left and waited almost a half hour before he returned. She knew he was lying, but didn't know why. She wasn't entirely certain that she wanted to know.