Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Pallium Fatum

By Ryoko Porter

Chapter Five Bellum Domi

'No soldier starts a war— they only give their lives to it. Wars are started by you and me, by bankers and politicians, excitable women, newspaper editors, clergymen who are ex-pacifists, and Congressmen with vertebrae of putty. The youngsters yelling into the streets, poor kids, are the ones who pay the price.'

Francis P. Duffy

Merle never really said anything about it to anyone, but the war very nearly destroyed her. With the combined stresses of trying to stay alive and losing the heart of the man she loved, she often wondered what she would lose first, life or sanity? There was many a time when she wished that death would come first, but she supposed that was just a sign that her wish had already proved false. But despite what was inside of her, Merle never let more than a hint of it outside. Destructively she hid her pain behind a mask that resembled an obnoxious and hyperactive child. A mask, which she only took off to let herself bask in the pain when she was alone. And only took it off so that she could trade it for another when alone with Van.

Her behavior with Van never did change truly, only shifted into greater extremes. Merle was still either the kid sister, or the doting mother figures that she had always assumed according to Van's mood. She was what he needed, a reminder of his home and childhood, and someone to take care of him. Unfortunately though, after only his first night home from dragon slaying, Merle had lost her newest growing role of potential lover and wife. Her new place was clear to Merle even before the attack that came in the morning.

That first attack by the Dragonslayers had been one of the worst experiences in Merle's life up to that point. Being already apart from Van she had little chance of getting to him amongst the commotion of panicking people, not that she didn't try. She'd struggled desperately to push her way through the crowds and people trying to hold her back, to fallow the scent of the boy she loved. But then with the sudden appearance of the huge robotic knight Escaflowne, Merle knew that she would be left behind. There was nothing that she could do as she watched Van make a strategic retreat. Merle understood of course why he had to leave, being so that he could live to fight when the odds would be more in his favor. However it broke her heart to be left behind, especially when she could smell that the strange Mystic Moon-girl was with him. It didn't make sense to her that Van should take Hitomi with him, but she couldn't dwell on that mystery until she was safely out of the crumbling city. And Merle very nearly didn't get out of it alive, it was only by the kindness of a commoner woman that she didn't burn alive. After being mostly dragged and carried out of the city, she watched with a group of survivors as the city fell into a ruin of embers and ash. Then after the adrenalin of the day's horrifying adventure wore off, Merle collapsed into a state of unconsciousness. A state in which she didn't wake from until the sun was rising at the start of the next day. Right away Merle left to follow the scent that Van left in the wind while it was still fresh, ignoring her body's ache for food and more rest. As she traveled, her mind slipped in and out of conscious thought. There were times when Van consumed all of her thoughts, and then others when she couldn't say what she was thinking, but were a constant buzz in the back of her mind. But Merle had little doubt that those subconscious thoughts were about Van also. And it was when she was in one of the strangely more distracting subconscious revelries that the strange men that turned out to be Allen Schzar's soldiers captured her. And thankfully she was allowed to be with Van once again.

Once she was with Van, there was no way that Merle would let herself be separated from him again. And she was content to mostly ignore and be ignored by the others that she, Van, and Hitomi were traveling with. She wasn't socially equipped to deal with others to a large extent on a friendly level, a trait that she shared with Van due to their lack of regular interaction with others as they grew up. But since she was thrust into the situation, Merle tried her best to be kind to the other travelers. And over time, Merle found that she was starting to care for them. Allen and his men she could relate to in the way of her ease around seasoned warriors, and she found herself regarding a few as cousin-like figures. Millerna and Dryden she played a purely political role to, feeling no closeness to either of them. And towards Hitomi despite the mostly one-sided competition, Merle felt a sort of pity that grew into caring. Had it not been for Van's obvious obsession with the clairvoyant girl, Merle thought many a time that they might have made good friends.

Merle always knew that there was little that she could do to help Van's cause in war by way of fighting, so she stayed out of the way when a battle was being fought. She knew that Van would be angry with her for putting herself at unnecessary risk, so she simply didn't do it unless there was great need. But honestly there was little joy like the one that she felt when she was able to help him and his cause, even if it meant saving Hitomi. The time that he needed her to guide him towards the girl's scent, she'd never felt such pride as when she succeeded in her task. It was good for her to know that she could be useful to him in that way also, though admittedly not as much as some.

Then came the night when Van sprouted his wings so that he could save Hitomi from falling to her death. It would turn out to be a night that would haunt Merle for the rest of her life, leaving a sharp ache in her chest whenever she thought of it. The reason that it hurt so much had simply to do with Hitomi's reaction to it. In their world, Draconians were regarded with mistrust and hatred by most, and she'd expected for Hitomi to react in like. But when the girl regarded Van's wings with wonder and referred to him as an "angel", Merle knew for curtain then that she'd lose Van's heart. Her love despite and because of what he was had been one of the rare things that only she could offer to Van, and now another could offer it also. Merle no longer had anything that could make her special in Van's eyes; it would just take time until she was forgotten.

Another point during the war that would always haunt Merle was when Hitomi had nearly died when they were in the country of Freid. She didn't fully understand it, but Merle knew that Hitomi's own psychic had been the cause; so she felt no guilt in somehow causing it. What bothered her was the relief she'd felt when she thought for a moment that the girl might die. It had been fleeting, but she'd felt an amazing sense of freedom from worry when she thought that she would no longer have to fight for her place in Van's heart. But the feeling passed quickly, leaving Merle heavy with guilt for feeling such as she did. Hitomi made Van a better man, making it wrong for Merle to have such cruel thoughts. When Hitomi did recover there so much attention was on her that there was no one to notice Merle's shame.

Yet despite whatever horrors Merle had already experienced, nothing compared to the ghastly experience of when Van nearly died because of his bond with the Escaflowne. When he'd stumbled out of the giant robot covered in his own blood, she thought that she might die right along with him. And she wasn't aware that she was screaming, until she heard the sound echoing back to her. Her desperation grew when she watched the violent act of his wings tearing in through his back, and heard his terrible cry of pain. Merle had never felt so helpless in her life before and since that day. She'd tried begging the medically educated Millerna to save him, seeing it as her only hope. Unfortunately the princess said that she could do nothing to save him, leaving Merle to accept the very real possibility that Van could die. For an agonizing eternity of a few minutes she contemplated his death, and her own as she would surely follow him. It hurt and scared her, and for those few moments before Hitomi figured out how to save Van, Merle fell into a panic. Yet as relieved as she was at hearing the solution of saving his life, it turned out to be a horrible experience also. Having to watch, as he became a sort of wild beast in his pain, screaming and thrashing so madly that they had to tie him down, Merle felt as if her heart was feeling the equivalent of his physical pain. Relief wasn't a strong enough word, nor was there any other to describe how she felt when it was all over. He was safe and well, and that was all that mattered. Even when he so quickly went back out into battle, Merle could feel no great bad feeling.

There were only two other times that Merle was able to be much of any use during the war, both times saving the life of the man that she loved. The first chance was a bit more shameful, beating Hitomi into saving Van from the world of death for her. The second opportunity had with it a great more bit of honor to give to her name. When the twins Naria and Eriya used their Guymelefs to beat at the Escaflowne, Merle somehow knew that her shared heritance with the women help to save Van. But even she hadn't be so sure, it would've been just as easy to throw herself into harms way to save him. Had she been wrong about the sisters' level of savagery, Merle would have been grateful to be killed with him. Or even to die without him would've made her happy at that instant, so that she could be free from the hurt of losing him anymore than she already had. Almost amazingly Van had been thoughtful enough after her show of bravery to thank her; it was the first time since the beginning of the war that she had been in his arms.

It was during the short peace through Dryden and Millerna's wedding that Merle was given some alone time with Van. As they watched the wedding from far atop the buildings of the city, she was able to forget the war and pretend that it was just she and him once more. And apparently he was able to do so also. 'It almost feels like the old days,' Van observed quietly. Merle only nodded her agreement slightly, so as to not take her head off of his shoulder. 'I am sorry for ignoring you Merle,' Van said, surprising Merle. She didn't say anything to answer his apology though, through fear of turning it into something cheap. Instead Merle simply pushed herself closer into Van's side, and accepted his arm that wrapped around her.

Merle's biggest surprise during the war though was when Folkin joined in the fight against Dornkirk. She of course had no say in whether Van should trust him, but she herself did not. So it was another great surprise to her when he sought her out for conversation.

'Hello Merle,' Folkin greeted when he found her alone in a garden.

'Lord Folkin,' she returned respectfully and curtsied. No matter how much she didn't trust him, he still deserved her respect and good manners.

'I wanted to thank you for being so loyal to Van, Merle. I can see that you made him into a good man,' Folkin praised.

'Thank you, but you've got the wrong girl. I didn't make Van a man, Hitomi did. I tried to give him back his stolen childhood,' Merle corrected.

'But you give him love!' Folkin reminded her, ignoring the blame she'd just put on him for the moment.

'And so does she, even if neither of them yet realize it,' Merle referred to the obvious but not admitted affection that Hitomi had for Van. For a long while after that, nothing else was said and Merle was beginning to suspect that Folkin had left when she wasn't looking. So in her assumed privacy, Merle let herself give into her grief, and cried. But she found that she'd been wrong about being alone as she felt Folkin embrace her in a comforting, brotherly sort of way. And there in his arms, she grieved the entire war and the outcome that seemed sure for her future place in Van's heart.

To Be Continued.

Well sorry if most of you were bored with this chapter. But when I wrote it, I was mostly keeping in mind my friend who likes the story, but hasn't seen much of any of the series or movie. I just thought it would be a good idea to go over the war from Merle's point of view, giving her more depth than she had in the show. And to those who don't know or whatever, I added that last part because I'd always envisioned it happening. It just seemed natural to me that Folkin would want to check up on the girl who he knew to have spent the time that he was gone with Van. Who else would be better for him to learn about his life from? But I also always thought that Merle would be hesitant around him, and probably wouldn't say much about it. Anyway, the chapter title is "War at Home". And to anyone who understands Latin, I'm sorry. The translations are probably very literal, having been found online.

Ryoko Porter