A/N: Wow...I didn't think this would get so many...YAY! (clears throat) ok now that's out of my system, here is chapter two. I want to thank all everyone who has reviewed...you all get cookies.
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or Advent Children. Also I don't own any of the companies that are mentioned or a cell phone. (sigh)
Chapter Two: Lost in Translation
After getting home from the life-scarring ordeal, Vincent went to the study den near the dinning room. He sat down at the desk and with a snail like pace unpacked his new cell phone. He studied it. It was indeed shiny and when he flipped it open, the buttons looked crisp and glossy. He held the phone with his hand and carefully with his claw, he pressed one of the number buttons. His forehead almost broke in sweat as his claw like finger pressed another one gently. He didn't want to damage the phone, no; he would not go through an ordeal like that again. He was sure Sherry or Tiffany or what ever, was not looking forward to another trip if he broke it either.
He placed it gently on the fine oak table and picked up the small instruction booklet. Flipping through to the appropriate language his crimson eyes squinted trying to make out the instructions. He didn't know if it was the fact that he might need glasses due to his old age or the fact that the instructions were in a 7.5 font, he just knew then that he would never learn how to operate the phone if he couldn't read the directions.
The doorbell rang and with a sigh he stood up. He wondered who it could have been. Vincent opened the door and felt the cool air of the night rush inside. He looked and saw no one. He raised an eyebrow; he doubted that it was someone playing a joke. He shrugged and closed it and walked back to the study den. Upon reaching the room Cait Sith sat on the desk and jumped down at the sight of the tall dark man.
"Vincent!"
Vincent took another step forward.
"How did you get inside?"
"Um…..I came here…because my fortune telling powers told me to come to your aid! Yeah that's right! Fortune telling powers and what not!" he chirped and did a pose.
What Vincent didn't know was that Reeve had become quite obsessed with the former ex-Turk. He made sure that Vincent had a tracking device injected in the skin of his leg so that he could know where he was at all times. Reeve claimed that he wanted nothing more than to observe Vincent in his natural habitat….in some countries that's called stalking…but so far Vincent didn't know so it was completely legit.
Vincent looked at him suspiciously and rolled his eyes. He could use the cat doll thingy to help him in his mission to operate his phone.
"I need help with this" he showed Cait the small hand booklet.
"Can't ya read Vincent? You know it's not too late to learn how to read, in fact you aren't alone! A lot of people are illiterate! Like Cid and Barret! Wait…..well they seem illiterate! But who cares! Vincent, with hooked on phonics we can do this!" he cheered
"I can read just fine" Vincent said controlling his blood pressure.
"Oh…"
"If you could please be patient then you will hear my problem"
Cait stared at him blankly.
"Now, can you read this" Vincent said showing him the booklet.
"Oh yeah! Sure!"
"Good, read it to me out loud so that I can follow along with the phone" Vincent spoke slowly so that Cait could take in every word he said.
"You can talk to me like grown ups do! I'm not retarded!" he pouted and took the book from Vincent's hand.
Vincent just rolled his eyes and picked up the cell phone. Cait cleared his throat and opened to a random page.
"Bienvenidos a las instrucciones del 8902 T-mobile, para prender tu teléfono por favor indica el botón manual para…"
"Cait, in English!"
"Oh! Sorry about that"
Vincent resisted the urge to punch the small robot into oblivion.
"Welcome to the instructions of the 8902 T-mobile phone. To turn on the said device, please press the button manually."
"Which button?"
"I don't know….guess!" he smiled
Vincent sighed and rubbed his temples a bit.
"Does this button have a name Cait?" he said through clenched teeth
"Nope!"
Vincent took a deep breath and let it out while counting to ten. Good thing he had those anger management classes to fall back on.
He decided that since the button was there to press them all and save time from guess. In a second the phone was turned on and he was welcomed by a bright plain screen.
"What is the next step?" he asked
"Ok step 2, now you have to plug in the adaptor into the phone into the green socket, then into the yellow one so that it can be powered until 6:00 pm. For two hours just stare at the screen. When that's over, plug the adaptor at 8:00 pm so that you aren't roaming. Then make a phone call while hopping on one foot to avoid static"
Vincent just stared at him.
"Cait, it has one black socket….are you even reading the booklet?
"Sure I am!" he said pointing to the page. Vincent saw the word French but Cait covered it up and kept going
"Now you have to go to Rocket Town and in a dark alley make a deal with a drug thug. Everyone knows that's how you buy the special phone card to dial the secret number. When you call you ask for a guy named Gary. Gary will tell you what you new cell phone number is…. That was step 5!" Cait looked up from the instructions manual and smiled.
Vincent raised an eyebrow at these weird directions.
"Can you tell me something that doesn't require me to leave my home?"
"Ok step 24! Sacrifice a lamb and use its blood to offer to the devil while selling your soul to a hooker to get free weekends!"
Vincent gave up on Cait and was just pressing random buttons hoping that it would lead him somewhere.
'You're doing it wrong Vincent'
'Chaos please, I'm trying to figure this out'
Chaos snorted.
'Even a demon can operate a phone such as this one; all you have to do is press the SEND button'
'I have nothing to send….and if I did I would have it post marked'
'You idiot! Vincent listen, just press the shiniest button and end all our misery' Hell Masker said trying to push Chaos out of the spot light.
"NO VINCENT, PRESS THE LEFT BUTTON FROM THE RIGHT ON THE BOTTOM THAT'S NEXT TO THE NUMBER NINE BUT UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE NUMBER SEVEN. IT'S SO OBVIOUS TO THE NAKED EYE THAT, THAT IS THE BUTTON TO PRESS," Galian Beast chipped in.
'Will you all be quiet?' Vincent yelled at his demons. He noticed that Death Gias was not present giving in his two cents. He either was asleep or just plain didn't care. Vincent went with the latter.
"You imbecile that just turns off the phone' Chaos said ignoring Vincent's request.
"Hey, I know, just close the phone and open it up again"
"THAT MAKES NO DAMN SENSE, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT HE HAS TO PRESS EVERYOTHER BUTTON FROM ONE TO FIVE IN THAT ORDER TO UNLOCK THE SECRET CODE AND THEN ADD NUMBERS EIGHT TO SIX BACKWARDS TO GET THE PASSWORD!"
"And then….you press number five six times and number six seven times and so forth to call Tifa, who's not in the same plan as you so each call will be a lot of gil. And then you have to do the Macarena and then you have to let Reeve smell your hair. Then you have to unplug the phone and then let Reeve see you in the shower and then you have dial nine. After that you have to press send to make a call and then press end to stop the call" Cait said twirling around with the book in his hands. The sad thing was the robot cat was on the Chinese section.
It was all too much for him. He closed his eyes trying his best to concentrate.
'I say that he has to press the button on the side', Hell Masker said
"THERE IS NO BUTTON ON THE SIDE!" Galian Beast roared.
"There is too"
'THERE IS NOT"
'Is too'
'IS NOT'
'Is too'
'NOT' Galian Beast pushed Hell Masker to the side which in turn made Vincent fly out of his chair.
'Too!'
'NOT!'
'Too!'
'NOT INFINITY!'
'Infinity is not a number!'
'YES IT IS! IT'S A NUMBER BETWEEN 40 AND 50'
"Vincent, ignore these moronic imbeciles and transform into me!' Chaos yelled 'I will fix the phone'
'No! Transform into me! I will fix it!" Hell Masker boasted.
"THE HELL HE WILL! PICK ME VINCENT! ITS OBVIOUS I'M THE BEST ONE WHO CAN HANDLE A PETTY OBJECT"
Vincent covered his ears trying to block out the arguing demons and Cait, who by this time had left the manual on the floor and was skipping around the room singing random instructions that made no sense and ridiculous things about letting Reeve touch him.
He fell to the floor as the demos inside of him began to fight over his body. He could feel the shift in his bones and his skin stretching. His jaw tightened trying to fight the urge to transform.
"Look, how about I just smash the thing so you all shut the hell up!" Death Gigas awoke, cranky from his nap.
Vincent couldn't take it anymore. He bit his lip so hard that a warm metallic liquid covered his taste buds. He tried his best at holding that last drop of sanity from falling into the world that seemed to go up in chaos around him.
He shot up from the floor.
"SHUT UP!" his voice was so loud that the china glasses in the dinning room shattered.
The room grew silent. Cait stopped in his tracks and his demons were quiet. For the first time in his life he felt like insanity was going to come down upon him.
Well there was that one time when the love of his life left him for a very short ugly man and gave birth to a monster bent on destroying the world; while the man sent him into his misery into a coffin for 30 years, leaving him to develop a deep thirst for revenge. But that was besides the point. Sure he developed a relationship of friendship with the demons that threaten to take over his body and soul while killing everything in sight BUT THAT WAS NOT THE POINT! Learning to operate a cell phone properly would surely make him end up in a padded white cell.
Cait looked at him and walked towards him with caution
"Vincent? Are you ok? You aren't going to transform are you?"
Vincent opened his eyes and saw the robotic cat. He stood up and dusted himself off.
"No, I'm fine"
"Good! Now on to step 5739743!
"No! I mean, that won't be necessary Cait, I appreciate the help, but I don't think I will get used to a cell phone"
"Hey don't say that! If Cid can do it then anyone can! Your phone is just like Tifa's…I have an idea, why don't you go to Tifa, I'm sure she can help!"
"I have no way of communicating with her"
"That's ok! I can tell her!"
"Then tell her I will be there on Tuesday"
"Don't worry Vincent! You can count on me" the cat saluted and was gone in a heart beat.
Vincent stretched and felt his muscles tense from the stress. He bent down and scratched the skin on his left leg and decided that a shower would rid him of the irritation. He dragged himself upstairs and stripped off his clothes in the bathroom. A hot shower was the only thing that could be considered a highlight to his odd day.
If you listened closely, in the distance you can hear a rustling in the trees as Cait blended into the darkness, ready to take pictures for his master.
A/N: Thanks for reading and remember to review. Chapter 3: Tifa helps...sort of