A/N: Sorry for the really late update! Been busy and laziness took hold and such. But nonetheless the Barret chapter is here. I changed the title and switched it with Yuffie's if anyone cares to know. I want to thank Lastcetra for spotting some grammar mistakes in chapter 5. I am very grateful about the reviews and I hope everyone has a great time reading this.
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7 nor Advent Children.
Chapter Six: Technologic
After signing away his soul in blood and giving Yuffie all of his materia, Vincent took the 'naughty' picture of him and Cait and burned it to hell where it belonged. He sighed in relief that no one would never know about the horrendous sleepover.
Meanwhile out side, unbeknownst to our dark gun man, Cait had done some cute happy dance that made Yuffie go 'aw' and give him the negative of the said 'naughty' picture. He ran quickly to give the results to his master.
Vincent decided that today he was depressed. Not depressed as in 'the only woman I have ever loved rejected me for some crusty looking loser who infected me with demons that have the combined IQ of Cloud' No. It was more along the lines of 'I'm such a pathetic loser who will probably go insane from all of this and will probably have to call a mental institution but can't because I can't dial the number let alone hold a phone correctly and what's the point because the demons are in my head and they bother me all the time by making me choose between my comrades and asking ridiculous boob questions'. The dude was down and he did what anyone in his situation would have done a long time ago.
He went to get drunk.
Well not necessarily. He was scared to get drunk for the fact that it would lead him to perform a lewd act (sponsored by his demons) that would earn him a good punch in the nads from Tifa. And so he sat at the counter with a manly look on his face and a banana daiquiri decorated with a pink umbrella beside him. Because you know, it's what men drink to feel empowered or whatever.
He felt a tug on his cape and looked down thinking it was caught on something.
"Hi Vincent,"
The object that was holding his cape was Marlene. Beside her stood Denzel who looked pretty happy since they weren't hanging out with Cait for the day.
He nodded his hello not really finding anything to say. What he could say to a child? 'Do you want some candy?' Yeah, that would earn him major brownie points in the pedophile community.
"Oh Vincent what's wrong? You look sad." Marlene pouted.
Denzel raised an eyebrow to this comment and then shrugged. Vincent looked the same to him.
"I am afraid that I have not been able to operate a cell phone properly."
It was embarrassing to admit that he couldn't do something that even Cloud could do.
"Well then maybe daddy can help. He makes lots of things and he…"
Vincent tuned her out at the moment. He did remember her mention that Barret took up the hobby of inventing things when he babysat her a long time ago. He remembered her bringing the subject up and tuning her out after the first couple of sentences. He wasn't the type to really care for children.
"…and he can help you with your cell phone."
He came back from his thoughts and ignoring her and raised an eyebrow.
"He can?"
"Sure he can? Weren't you listening?"
He looked towards Denzel for help, who merely looked away. The boy had tuned her out not long after Vincent.
"Of course," he said and stood up "If you will excuse me, I will go in search of your father."
"Good luck Vincent!"
But Vincent walked on without hearing her and went in search for Barret.
He didn't expect to see so many gadgets and shiny objects in the supposed 'love shack' (which Barret painted on the door with some backwards letters) in where he invented various things and what not.
"Where you at?" Barret asked with his mechanical hand in front of his face.
Vincent raised an eyebrow.
"Barret, I'm right here" he said hoping to make his dark presence more known.
"Foo' I ain't talkin' to yo cracka ass bitch."
He looked behind him to see if Barret was talking to someone behind him. Finding no one, Vincent became offended. He was no one's cracka ass bitch but his own!
"Oh hey Vincent what can I do for ya" he said in a friendly tone.
That was when he noticed that Barret wasn't talking to him but his hand which was tricked out and iced out with the hottest upgrades known to man. It morphed back into a hand after taking a cell phone form. The demons 'ooed' and 'ahhed' at the mechanical hand and its hotness.
Vincent cleared his throat.
"I need your assistance…"
"Oh so you think since I'm Black that I gotta help your worthless ass? You automatically assume that I gotta drop everything, even if it's important for the progress of my race, to help you with a stupid problem? I ain't no Uncle Tom! I ain't no house slave! My people did not suffer 900...
"400" Vincent interjected.
"That's what I said! 400 years of slavery under the white man only to be brought back because ya need 'assistance' my people ain't stupid. Some day my people will be free, etc, etc, etc, Black power! "
'Right on my brother!' Death Gigas shouted holding a fist in the air.
'You're black? Hm…I didn't know that' Hellmasker said interested in this new fact of his comrade.
'Of course I'm black dumbass, I'm straight from the Deep South, you know between the seventh and eighth levels of hell.'
'Oh, I think my aunt lives there' Hellmasker said rubbing his chin.
'Dude, the one that makes the sugar cookies?'
'Those cookies are good' Chaos smiled imagining them.
'WILL SHE BE ABLE TO GIVE US THE RECEPIE?' Galian Beast asked.
'SILENCE!' Vincent thought at them. He didn't want Barret to be angry with him so he needed a clear and quiet mind to choose his words carefully.
"Barret, I heard you have a superior intelligence in the technology field and I thought that a simpleton like me would need your great intellect to operate a phone."
They stood in silence. Vincent held his breath hoping that Barret wouldn't break out into another Malcolm X routine.
"Oh! My bad. Why you ain't say that in the first place? Don't worry I got you. I'll hook you up with the hottest phone eva!"
And Vincent took in a breath. He saw Barret disappear to the back of the shop.
'Yo guys, did you see Barret's arm? It's so blazing son! All tricked out and what not, his pimp juice gotta be in the zone for real.' Death Gigas said
'Stop acting black, you sound like a complete buffoon.' Vincent scowled.
'Hey, don't hate the player, hate the game biotch!'
'Vincent, I never knew you were racist' Hellmasker said feeling some hostility in the air.
'I'm not racist!'
'He's just jealous that Barret possesses a far better arm than him' Chaos said rolling his eyes.
'I have nothing to be jealous about.' Vincent said crossing his arms
'WELL WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN YOU DO HAVE TO BE SOMEWHAT ENVIOUS. BARRET'S ARM IS OBVIOUSLY MORE ADVANCED SINCE IT ISN'T HORRIBLY DISFIGURED AND MADE OUT OF CHEAP METAL AND PLASTIC. BARRET'S ARM CAN TRANSFORM INTO MANY USEFUL TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS SUCH AS A PHONE. WHICH I MIGHT ADD, YOU FAIL TO COMPREHEND EVERYTIME. AND THAT MY FRIEND IS CALLED IRONY' Galian Beast said triumphantly
'That is not ironic' Vincent snorted and rolled his eyes.
'I BEG TO DIFFER' Galian Beast sang mockingly.
'How is it ironic Galian beast?' Hellmasker asked
'VINCENT FAILS TO LEARN SOMETHING THAT EVEN CLOUD CAN DO'
'Ohhhh'
Vincent wanted to change the subject. He really didn't want the demons to discuss how Cloud made Vincent look like the bigger dumbass when it came to a phone.
'My arm can assist me in many important matters that are advanced.' He said proudly.
'Scratching your ass is not a technological achievement.'
'Burn!'
Vincent pouted as the demons laughed as him.
Barret came back from the back with a head set and a small device connecting to it. Vincent could only guess that he invited it, after all there were still wires sticking out of some places and it looked like it violated at least sixteen different safety codes from twenty six different countries.
"This here is my baby. It a Marlene is daddy's lil' princess 8097." Barret said pushing the head set at Vincent. He took a step back from the man. He doubted it was safe to even look at let alone try on.
"Try it on!"
With Barret it was more of a demand than a suggestion.
"On the second thought…" Vincent began but his words became the trigger for another 'Know why? Cuz I'm black' rant from Barret.
"Oh so just because a Black man invented something you gotta automatically assume that it can't be trusted? My people did not go through 700…"
"400" Vincent interrupted.
"…400 years of being put down by the white man only to be put down again because what we make with our own blood, sweat and tears isn't good enough! Just because I'm Black don't mean I'm a power hungry sneaky (insert racial slur here) don't mean I ain't worth nothing! I'm black God damnit! I'm strong, intelligent, courageous, etc. etc. etc. Black power! Can you feel Jesus?" Barret bellowed.
'Amen!'
'Death Gigas!'
'What?'
Vincent felt a headache coming on and opted to just go through it and learn how to operate Marlene is daddy's lil whatever 8909830239. He took the head set from Barret (who smiled cheekily) and put it on his head. He hoped that the loose wires didn't get tangled into his silky soft locks. That would mean that he would have to buy an extra bottle of hair treatment to fix the tarnished and emotionally scarred hair. His metro sexual Goth look didn't come cheap.
"How does this work?"
"Well first you got to plug it in over there." Barret said pointing to an outlet that had one too many plugs sticking out of. It reminded him of the sleepover on how the outlet sparked electrical confetti
Vincent paled…as pale as a man of his complexion could get pale.
He gulped and walked ever so slowly near it.
'Come on Vincent what are you so scared of?' Chaos mocked.
'You idiot, I have metal on me,' Vincent retorted.
'Oh you mean your crappy arm? Don't worry about; the metal is so cheap that it won't do anything.' Death Gigas said now out of his black mode.
'But wasn't Cait made out of similar metal? He was knocked out in the sleep over.' Hellmasker said
'But the difference is Hellmasker is that Cait's metal is real'
'Oh ok'
'VINCENT, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, TRUST US, YOU ARE SAFE' Galian Beast said confidently.
Vincent ignored them and plugged in the plug. The next thing he knew a hot jolt went through his body. He shook violently and an explosion (set off by his 'cheap' arm) propelled him clean across the room.
'Hey! So that means his metal isn't cheap right guys?'
Vincent blacked out.
Vincent woke up and scowled God for not taking his life. He sat up and felt his poor muscles scream. His hair (which takes him like forever to comb) was now frizzy and smelt burnt.
"Vincent! You're ok!" Marlene said coming up the stairs and standing near the bed he was put into. Denzel came behind her and he winced at Vincent's hair. Vincent wanted to cry. Was his metro sexual hair that bad?
"What happened?" he asked
"Well you tried to plug in daddy's new phone and got electrocuted."
"Really?" he said. He honestly didn't remember or at least didn't want to.
She nodded.
"And after you stopped having a seizure and began to foam at the mouth, daddy brought you in and told Tifa to 'take care of this foo' and here you are!"
Vincent looked at Denzel who had a blank face. He guessed the boy tuned out after Marlene spoke. He sighed.
"Aw, don't worry Vincent; I'm sure I can help you to learn to use a phone"
Somehow Vincent was inclined to take her up on her offer but he knew that if he did, his life would be made easier and relaxed.
But he was Vincent Valentine after all, and his life was meant to a confusion abyss of pain, torture, suffering and insanity. With unsupportive demons and a dead woman who didn't want him, how could he end perpetual loop that God and that bitch Karma had so kindly planned out for him? He politely declined her offer.
"Hey! Daddy said that he can fix your arm!" she cheered.
Vincent looked at his now semi-melted claw and almost wept.
"No, I have an extra one."
"Are you sure? He said he can 'trick out that foo' with some real bling-bling'"
"For the love of God no!" he yelled.
She was startled and Denzel finally snapped out of his day dream of being adopted and being far away.
Vincent cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry, but that will not be necessary"
He got up and left smoothly. He wanted to get home as soon as possible. When he reached the comfort of his mansion, he went upstairs and looked at his image in the mirror. What stared back made Vincent scream in horror. Needless to say his neighbors within a five block radius had to replace their windows that day.
A/N: well that was it. Barret was OOC but I couldn't help it (you'll notice he didn't curse because I'm saving that for Cid) I can't write him so I went all stereotypical. And don't worry, I am a minority as well, specifically Dominican so if I offended anyone who is black or found the chapter content offensive then I apologize in advance. After all, this is humor and I'm only trying to have some fun. (plus I live in the Bronx so if anyone has a problem I will get my peoples on you) just Joking! I'm too lazy to come after any flamers. So why don't you ignore my lame attempt at a joke/threat in the prior sentence and review?
Chapter 7: Cid…because we all know how safe drinking and driving an airship really is.