Title: Irresistibly Stupid
Warnings: Will contain yaoi and OOCness. Don't say you weren't warned.
Pairings: Practically everyone x Naruto, not sure of the eventual outcome yet.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did I wouldn't be writing fanfics and I'll have more than $10 to my name.
Summary: In order to keep the kyubi's true fate a secret after the sealing Naruto was given to Jiraiya who with the help of his old teammate raised the blonde into the overconfident ramen-loving loudmouth he was born to be. Only one problem, why's he dressed like a girl?
Author's Note: I know there are many Naruto was raised by Jiraiya, Tsunade or both fics out there but I decided to try my hand at one anyway. I think I have a thing for making Naruto dress like a girl because this is the second fic I'm going to do it in. For anyone who's read my other fics I just wanted to say that I'm not sure whether or not I will continue writing Fatherhood but I will try my best to update To Win A Prince's Heart. I have it half written but have been having a hard time finishing it. I hope you enjoy this and please excuse any grammatical or spelling mistakes. I don't have a beta and haven't had time to read over this again.
'Blah' thoughts.
"Blah" speech.
Blah flashbacks.
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Hate, no matter how unjustified was a powerful emotion. It could turn the most reasonable of men, the most loyal of soldiers into the very monsters they'd sworn to kill, monsters that wouldn't have a single qualm about taking the life of a child. No matter how innocent or blameless that child may be. As the Third Hokage he wanted to believe in his people, in their integrity and kindness but as his eyes wandered over the devastation, the hate still ever present even now in the face of a seemingly defeated enemy, he felt all his beliefs and faith beginning to crumble.
"Forgive me old friend. With the way things are he will only suffer the hate of a village if I were to reveal to them the burden he now carries," Sarutobi murmured sadly. It killed him to admit it but he knew it to be true. He could still see the anger in their eyes. The need to lash out even when there was nothing to lash out at. Fuelled by the lost of their loved ones and the destruction of all they hold dear there was telling what the villagers were capable of and the last thing he wanted was to have all that rage be directed towards Yondaime's legacy. The man had sacrificed enough. There was no way he was going to allow his only son to continuing sacrificing for him as well, even if it meant going against a dying man's wish he was going to ensure the happiness and safety of the Fourth's child.
Sarutobi looked down at the sniffling infant in his arms. If his parents were any indication Uzumaki Naruto was going to be destined for great things. He will one day be hailed a hero, just like his father wanted, but not now. No. What he needed now was to be loved and cared for. He deserved that much, if not more.
"Is that him?" a familiar voice uttered shakily, devoid of the usual boastful quality he was so use to hearing.
With a soft smile Sarutobi turned. He moved the blanket away, revealing the golden haired, blue eyed child to the unusually somber gaze of the white haired sannin. He took a step forward and watched as the man he once taught reached out a trembling hand to touch the lightly scarred cheeks of the happily gurgling baby.
"The brat certainly takes after his father," Jiraiya softly murmured, the corner of his lips tipping up in a small smile as tinny hands took hold of his index finger and introduced it to a gummy mouth. His face scrunched up in slight distaste. He was just about to reclaim the use of his hand when he was suddenly attacked by a very familiar sight. Big blue eyes stared up at him, the beginnings of what looked like tears gathering in the corners of those wide cerulean orbs as small lips twitched in a noticeable tremble. With a defeated sigh he surrendered his hand over to the drool monster otherwise known as Uzumaki Naruto. "Not even a week old and already he has me wrapped around his little fingers. He's his mother's son after all."
His smile slowly faded as he remembered why he was here. He narrowed his eyes and turned to the Sandaime.
"Why did you call me? I already told you I don't want the position."
At that the Third let out a sigh. "That's not why I called you Jiraiya. I've already been reinstated as the acting Hokage. There's no need for another, at least not yet."
"Then why the summons old man, you interrupted my research," was the grumbling reply.
"I need to ask a favor of you," Sarutobi began, looking carefully to his former student for a moment before finally taking a deep breath. "It seems that the secret of the Kyubi's true fate isn't as secret as we all hoped it would be. You know as well as I do that the demon's sudden appearance was anything but coincidental. Someone summoned it in order to create a decoy."
At that Jiraiya growled. His fists clenching as he practically spat out the name, "Orochimaru."
"With the chaos all around he was able to slip in but because of my presence he was unable to retrieve whatever it was he sought. However, I'm afraid he saw something he shouldn't have. He saw Yondaime's seal. There is no doubt in my mind he worked out what really happened. He's too smart to be fooled by what everybody else was so quick to believe. That Yondaime killed the Kyubi." He unconsciously tightened his hold on the precious bundle in his arms. "I'm sure you're more than aware Orochimaru is currently associated with Akatsuki. I know you've heard the rumors about their interests in the Biju and if it's true then Naruto needs more than just someone to look after him, he needs protection and having ANBUs stationed around him all the time will cause too many questions to arise." He paused for a moment. "He can't be protected forever. He needs someone to teach and guide him so that when the time comes he can protect himself and those precious to him."
Jiraiya found his eyes once again falling to meet the fathomless blue of the barely week old infant. Still holding the old sannin's fingers Naruto waved his arms with a burst of gibberish that instantly brought a smile to his face. The kid was just too cute for his own good. He let out another defeated sigh and cocking his head to one side rubbed his chin silently in thought. Then with a somewhat approving nod he voiced exactly what was on his mind aloud, "I supposed I can take the brat. He'll be a definite hit with the ladies. Hehe, I may not even have to revert to peeping for research anymore."
Sarutobi fought the urge to twitch. Sure he didn't like the reasoning but he didn't have a choice. Right now he was just happy to know that the child would be safe.
"Of course I will cover all the costs associated with Naruto's care," he informed with a nod. "I've already gone to the liberty of purchasing everything that he may need for the journey ahead, save for clothes. Am I right in assuming that you'll be leaving Konoha today?"
Breaking out of his perverted daydreams with a soft giggle Jiraiya nodded, a light blush still dusting his cheeks as he replied, "I had plans to head west but with this unexpected development I think I may follow a lead and instead make my way north."
"And why is that?" Sarutobi asked, furrowing his brows.
Jiraiya grinned and simply replied, "I heard that there was a slug in town."
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"Who in their right mind would give you a baby?" a blonde haired woman hollered, her gaze flickering between the infant in Shizune's lap and the slightly flushed pervert gulping down yet another round of sake with oblivious incredibility. Silently she couldn't help but wonder if he didn't just pick up the kid somewhere and decided he'd make a good traveling companion because there was no way, no way in all nine hells anyone would give him a baby. Her fist tightened, a tic appearing on her forehead as she remembered exactly how she'd found them or to be more precise, how they found her. If it weren't for the small head that suddenly peeked out from his rucksack the old pervert would be recovering from more than just a mere bump to the head. Bringing her own cup to her lips she muttered under her breath, "That geezer must be going senile in his old age."
"Hey we've been traveling for three days and we're both still alive," Jiraiya was quick to defend.
Not at all impressed Tsunade shot him a dirty look. She then gently took the golden haired munchkin from her apprentice and holding him up leaned down to peer closely at the little brat. Blue eyes filled with the utmost curiosity stared owlishly back. With an excited cry a set of tiny hands gripped her hair and tugging her down released one hand to gently tap the small purple diamond on her forehead before erupting into a bout of babyish giggles. He repeated the process again and again as if it were the most amusing thing in the world. Not sure whether to start yelling at the giggling kid or coo at the absolutely adorable display Tsunade could only blink and blink and blink again.
"Isn't she just precious Tsunade-sama," Shizune gushed, giving the tuft of blonde hair a gentle pat that caused the glimmering blue eyes to stop their perusal of the voluptuous sannin and return to the dark haired apprentice currently vying for his attention. Clapping her hands together she continued to coo, "Who's a cute baby? You are. Yes you are. Yes you are Naru-chan."
At that Jiraiya gave the pair a somewhat sheepish look. Cheeks still infused with an alcohol induced flush he informed them with a slight slur, "Actually it's Naruto-kun, she's a he."
Mouth slightly agape both women took in the tiny form in a very puffy and bright orange dress before them. Lifting up the skirt Shizune pulled open the thick diaper and looked down. Eyes wide she turned to her teacher, nodding mutely. For a long moment there was nothing but silence. Being the first to recover Tsunade immediately shot her old teammate a deadly glare and fuming roared, "Is this your idea of a joke you sick pervert."
"I'm not a sick pervert. I'm a super pervert," was his immediate response, one that earned him a hard knock to the head and a wave of killing intent strong enough to make any man quake in his boots. He rubbed the forming bump on his head and picking himself off the floor yelled, "Why the hell did you do that for you old bag."
Carefully handing Naruto over to Shizune the voluptuous blonde climbed out of the booth and rolling her sleeves up sent another punch to the white haired sannin's head, not at all worried about doing him any permanent damage since she suspected he was brain dead already. It was the only way she could account for his continued stupidity. When she was finally satisfied he had sufficiently learnt his lesson, whatever that may be, Tsunade grumbled under her breath about 'perverts' and 'geezers' as she settled back down by Shizune and the excitable Naruto who swung his arms around as if to mimic the movements of her punches.
"Dammit, it isn't even my fault he's dressed like that," Jiraiya muttered with something very near a pout when he finally got up to sink right back down in his seat.
"What? You telling me he picked his own clothes," the blonde remarked with a disbelieving snort. At the absolutely serious expression on the pervert's face she frowned and leaned forward. With a raised brow she waved a hand and simply said, "Okay, explain."
"Damn hag, beat me then decides to ask for explanations," he mumbled irritably, crossing his arms with a scowl.
"What was that Jiraiya?" Tsunade questioned. A warning in her voice as her eyes glittered dangerously.
"N-nothing," he spluttered out, waving both hands in front of him quickly. He sweated under the intense killing intent directed his way. Hoping to distract her from pounding his head in yet again he let out a loud cough and asked, "So you want to hear what happened or not?"
"Fine, fine, go ahead and it better be good," she flippantly murmured.
"Well, you see..."
Jiraiya cautiously stepped into the store, looking completely out of place in amongst the pink and blue of the many doll like outfit hung all over the place. He carefully removed his rucksack to hold the little boy within to his chest as he glanced about, face scrunched up in distaste at the array of clothing he found. From tiny sailor suits, to a furry bunny coverall it seemed they had everything, everything that is but normal baby clothes.
"What a cute child," a pretty young sales girl gushed, approaching the pair with a somewhat flirtatious smile directed towards the older gentleman. "He can't be yours can he? A strapping young man such as you can't already be a father."
'I knew the brat will come in handy,' Jiraiya thought with a decidedly perverted smirk. "Of course not, this little one belongs to an old friend of mine. I'm just looking after him until something more permanent can be arranged."
"Oh, I should've guessed," she giggled before finally introducing herself to him as 'Akako' and then seeing her chance continued with an overly chirpy, "Do you need any help? I'll be more than happy to offer my services. It'll be my pleasure."
"How can I refuse such a lovely young lady," he replied with a grin.
"Great," she all but cackled, eyes practically lighting up with dollar signs as she tugged them both towards the more expensive section of the store, all the while listing off everything he'll need or at least everything she was determined to make him need.
Though Jiraiya was move than willing to go where ever the pretty girl may lead it seemed that his charge had other plans. Feeling a slight resistance to the tug of the lovely Akako he looked down to the tuft of blonde hair to find stubby arms attached to something frilly and orange. With a steady hold on Naruto he began to tug the kid away, hoping he would let go. But he never did. Instead he ripped the blinding monstrosity right off the rack and hugged it tightly to his chest.
"Is something wrong?" the girl asked, somewhat annoyed.
Jiraiya frowned. This was not good, not good at all. There was no way he was going to allow any student of his, or in this case the son of any student of his to wear girl's clothes. Of course what he didn't know was that it wasn't the dress Naruto wanted. It was only the color.
"Bad, Naruto, bad. Put that back so that we can follow the pretty girl to get you some proper clothes," he softly chided, only to receive an unhappy cry in return. Supporting the infant against him with one hand he went about prying the outfit from his tiny hands with the other, only to be yet again met with firm resistance. After about ten minutes of struggling he let out a triumph grin, finally succeeding in taking the dress away. Although he won the battle the war was far from over. It seemed the kid had a secret weapon. Before he even had the chance to bask in the glory of his win there was sudden and very loud assault on his eardrums.
"WAHHHHHHHH!" came the unbelievably loud wail.
He began rocking the bundle, desperately reaching out and handing the kid any other outfit to replace the one he'd just confiscated but it was no use. Finally admitting defeat he handed the orange monstrosity back to the little boy who instantly ceased his wailing in order to tightly grip the newly acquired outfit in his chubby hands. With a toothless grin the brat looked up at him and began pounding both his arms against his tunic, the dress in his hands as the wide blue eyes seemed to request something of him. Upon realizing exactly what it was Jiraiya felt himself twitch as he grumbled, "Oh hell no."
"So let me get this straight," Tsunade began, the tic on her forehead getting even worst as she tightened her grasp on the cup in her hand. "He is dressed like this because you were too busy flirting with the sales girl to take notice of the baby, the one you were supposed to be looking after might I add, make a grab for this dress." She paused, breathing heavily. "Three days Jiraiya, he has been in your care for only three goddamn days and already he's turned into a cross dresser." The cup shattered in her strangling hold. "You irresponsible goddamn perverted son of a-"
"Tsunade-sama," Shizune immediately interrupted, eyes widening as she went to cover Naruto's ears. "Not in front of Naru-chan."
"You got to admit though, he does make one very cute girl," the toad sannin remarked.
Though the reprimand stopped her from finishing her sentence and she found herself silently agreeing with the pervert on that one neither did anything to soften the decidedly murderous glare she threw Jiraiya's way. Tsunade was mad, very mad but instead of doing the usual and pummeling him into the ground like he so rightly deserved she held her hand out and demanded, "Fork it over."
"Fork what over?" he asked in return, inwardly grateful for the reprieve and thanking the lucky stars he was still alive.
She narrowed her eyes and through gritted teeth muttered, "The money the senile geezer gave you for Naruto-chan since it's obvious he'll probably end up neglected and forgotten the moment a pretty face takes your fancy."
"As appose to being sold off to settle your gambling debts."
"Jiraiya," she bit out angrily, steely eyes promising a slow and very painful death. "Hand it over or I'll make sure that peeping will be the only thing you'll be able to do, EVER."
Suddenly fearful for his boys at the underlying threat the toad sannin grudgingly handed over the sack of coins. The moment he did honey brown eyes instantly sparkled in merriment. She smirked before pocketing the bundle while her dejected looking apprentice sighed in what sounded like resignation.
"Hehe, off to the machines I go," the blonde cheerily said.
"That's supposed to go to supplies for the brat, not your gambling habit," Jiraiya instantly protested, never mind the fact it would probably go elsewhere in his possession anyway.
"Or to fund your ventures into the whorehouses," she snapped sharply. "At least this way there's a chance of doubling it."
"Heh, doubling, more like losing it all."
Shizune let out a weary sigh as the two sannins continued to bicker before finally deciding to revert to petty name calling. She looked down at the wide eyed and clearly fascinated baby in her arms and quietly whispered, "Don't worry Naru-chan. I'll make sure there's at least enough left for formula and diapers."