Hey everybody! I wrote this story FOREVER ago, and just discovered it and thought I would share. So it's set way back in the day around the time of the infamous crossover where Angel becomes human. I hope you enjoy…
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, if they were Angel would have his own show and wear nothing but leather! Oh wait, he already does. But I still don't own them. BtVS and Angel's characters belong to Satan(oh yeah I guess you all know him as Joss Whedon)Don't sue, please. I just want them to be happy for a while. I also don't own Affirmation the CD by Savage Garden which inspired this entire story.
Part 1
He walked the streets of the City Of Angels, that night he was on a mission. He had to find something, he knew there had something out there. Doyle had came to him with an idea, one that might help him. He had a big black box, and had sent Angel out to find a few things to put in it.
A few CD's that is, Doyle thought that maybe listening to some music would help, his... situation. They all knew he was talking about Buffy. Cordelia had actually went to Doyle, and told him he needed to think of something, he was doing brooding 24/7. They weren't even sure if he slept anymore. He just walked around the office, and visited his apartment every once in a while, but that was about it. Doyle would have the occasional vision, and he'd go and stop the evil. That was the extent of his... well, life, if you could call it that.
So there he was wandering, looking for a music store. He didn't have a clue what he would get once he got there, he figured he'd browse and see if anything stuck out as interesting. He made it to the shop and opened the door, looking up when he heard the bell above it. Luckily the door said 'Come In!' or it would have been a little weird getting in. It was pretty big, but he had ventured into the more... popular area of LA
The clerk smiled his way, and she sauntered over to him. "Hi there," she smiled again, and Angel tried his best not to laugh at her attempt to get him to fully notice her.
"Can I help you?" she asked as Angel looked around the store, getting a feel for the place.
"Um.. yeah, I guess. I was just gonna look for some music, obviously," he said smiling shyly.
"Anything special that you are looking for?" she asked as they started to walk down the isles. "No I'm really... I'm not familiar with music, I'm hoping you could maybe give me some suggestions," he replied.
She looked him over, and by the look, and sound of him, he was definitely not the rock and roll type. That went for heavy metal, rap, and alternative, too, basically that whole scene, wasn't him. He looked to her like more the secretive, sensitive type. But of course she could be wrong, this was LA
She touched his arm and pointed to the 'Pop' section thinking maybe there was something over there, and after that she could try classical. He nodded, not sure what 'Pop' music would be, although he thought it could be short for popular.
"Hum... Let me see," she said scanning the rack. Angel looked a little on his own and saw some pretty weird names for bands. Limp Bizket? Fat Boy Slim? What kind of names are these? But then I guess Oz's band is 'Dingoes Ate My Baby' so I guess those are normal compared to that, Angel thought as he picked up some of the CD's.
"Oh, oh, you might like this," she said handing him a 'Bryan McNight' CD. He flipped it over and thought the songs sounded pretty depressing. "I don't know..." he wanted stuff that would make him feel better right? Not worse. "That's fine, hum.. What about this one?" she shrugged and handed him, 'Mariah Carey'.
He gave her a funny look, he thought he had probably heard of her before, and didn't like her, but checked it out anyway. Nothing sounded like something he would want to hear.
"Oh my gosh! I almost forgot!" she said snatching up yet another compact disc. "This one! You like, really should try this one. Sorry, but these guys are great, I think you look like the 'Savage Garden' type." Angel looked at her quizzically, but took the CD from her. From the case they looked pretty cool to him, and from the name, they didn't seem to be the sad song type, he didn't know then just how wrong he was.
"Oh, oh! And you know where they got their name? I just always thought this was kinda cool... There is like this writer and he had this series of books or something, and they were about vampires," Angel looked up at her at that, then tried to fake that it was just out of interest, when she gave him a look, "Anyway, I the writer like called the whole vampire lore or whatever, savage garden. Like their life and stuff, isn't that cool?"
"Yeah, I guess so," he said dismissive, he turned it over, and the clerk looked like she had just drank a whole pound worth of coffee.. or maybe more. She was smiling ear to ear, and practically jumping up and down, from seeing the approving look on his face.
He didn't pay a whole lot of attention to the titles of the song, but the ones he did sounded good, like 'Affirmation' 'The Best Thing' and some others. He smiled thinking this would be good for now. He reached in his pocket to get out his wallet.
She practically ran behind the counter, he gave her a nod to say that 'yes, he was getting it'. She let out a squeal of joy. She must be the head of their fan-club or something, no doubt that they have one, he thought as she put the CD in a bag. "Have a great day!" she called after him.
Angel rolled his eyes, glad to be out of that store, she was a little to strange for him. That was another reason he had got 'Savage Garden' to get away, and that whole thing about their name was kind of strange. He walked the mile or so back to Angel Investigation, and strolled inside, Doyle and Cordy waiting for him. Doyle clapped his hands, "So what'd ya' get?"
Angel gave them a half smile, one to die for of course, he peered at the cover, "It's 'Savage Garden' um... 'Affirmation'." Cordelia almost squealed like the store clerk! She ran over to him grabbing the bag out of his hand.
Then she quickly stopped at a little glare for Doyle, "Um.. Can we play it please?"
Angel looked away opening and closing his mouth a few times, finding a way to put it nicely, "I, ya know, thought I could listen to it by myself first, I think I should right now, cuz uh.. you know." She backed down and handed him back the CD, with a smile to show she did know.
It was just about Buffy's birthday, and he wasn't with her. They all knew what had happened on her birthday. It had been more than half a year without her, except if you include Thanksgiving, but no one but him knew about that, well Cordy and Doyle did, but he told them a lot of stuff now a days. They understood most of what he went through, they didn't 'know' what he was going through but they tried hard to understand it.
He smiled graciously and went into his office, where the black box was placed. He heard them still out there talking, about God knows what. He sat down in front of the Boom Box, as Doyle had called it, and placed the CD in it's proper place. He took a deep breath and pushed play.
He figured he would just sit and listen to it straight through and see how he liked it. A light sound came as the first song began to play, Angel laid the CD out on it's back so he could see the song that he was listening to, it was 'Affirmation'.
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got till you say goodbye
Angel listened as he read along with the words written in the book inside the cover. He started to really think about the words, and they all made him think of Buffy.
He sighed, This is supposed to make me think about other stuff, isn't it? Maybe it is supposed to make me think of her. Well I'll find out when I'm done, I guess. He listened to the rest of the song as things flashed through his mind, all about Buffy. The song slowly faded out and another began, 'Hold Me'. "Uh oh," Angel whispered before the song even started.
Hey
If we can't find out of these problems
Then maybe we don't need this
Standing face to face
Enemies at war we build defenses
And secret hiding places
I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say it's all right
I might need you to take the first stand
Because tonight I'm finding it hard to be your man
More than angry words I hate this silence
It's getting so loud
Well I want to scream
But bitterness has silenced these emotions
It's getting hard to breathe
So tell me isn't happiness
Worth more than a golden diamond ring?
I'm willing to do anything
To calm the storm in my heart
I've never been the praying kind
But lately I've been down upon my knees
Not looking for a miracle
Just a reason to believe
Angel rested his head in his hands, This one isn't any better than the last one. The farther into the song the worse it got, but he toughed it out and listened to it all.
I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say it's all right
I might need you to make the first stand
Because tonight I'm finding it hard to be your man
Do you remember not long ago
When we used to live for the nighttime?
Cherish each moment
Now we don't live we exist
We just run through our lives
So alone
That's why you've got to hold me
After about another minute it was over and he prayed that the next one would be better, it definitely wasn't. 'I Knew I Loved You', the title gave it away, it was gonna be pretty bad.
Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
"Oh, man. This was not a good pick," he said shaking his head. He had to force himself to let the song play.
There's just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I've found my best friend
The chorus came again, and more lines that hit close to home, on how he felt about Buffy. Every single word make him want to smash the Boom Box into pieces, and he knew he could, but he didn't suppose Doyle would like that much. The song finally ended and he rejoiced, but once again all hopes were smashed. 'The Best Thing' which he thought would be a good song, but only for people who are together.
Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me
Sometimes I feel like this is only chemistry
Stuck in a maze searching for a way to
Shut down turn around feel the ground beneath me
You're so close where do you end and I begin?
Always pushing and pulling
Sometime sanity takes vacation time on me
I'm in a daze stumbling bewildered
North of gravity head up in the stratosphere
You and I roller coaster riding love
You're the center of adrenaline
And I'm beginning to understand
He couldn't believe it, there probably wasn't one song on this whole CD that didn't pertain in some way to his relationship with Buffy. And if there was, he wasn't sure he'd be able to get that far. He was ready and willing to shut it off and give it to Cordelia.
The wretched song was over, yeah that's what he thought of it, he didn't care that it all sounded good, it was retched. He had stopped thinking the next song was better, which was probably for the best, since there wasn't going to be many songs that weren't going to be 'retched'.
Next up was 'Crash And Burn' he figured that it would be once again about a relationship, and leaned back to take it all in.
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't
Take anymore
Let me the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
He was almost crying and the song had only been on for 20 seconds. He wanted all the things in the song to happen. He knew that he would always be there for her, that she could come to him at anytime she needed him. But he really didn't think that she would. He could tell she was moving on. She had a new boyfriend and was doing good. He had stopped being angry at the songs, and was trying to find peace in their words. He had to choke down the tears when the song ended, and the next began. It was 'Chained To You' he had a good idea what this would be about.
We were standing all alone you were leaning in to speak to me
Acting like a mover shaker dancing to Madonna then you kissed me
And I think about it all the time
Passion desire so intense I can't take anymore because
I feel the magic all around you
It's bringing me to my knees
Like a wannabe
I've gotta be chained to you
When I looked into your eyes felt a sudden sense of urgency
Fascination casts a spell and you became more than just a mystery
And I think about you all the time
Is it fate is it my destiny
That I think about you all the time
I no longer have to pretend to have my hands on the wheel
He thought back to when he and Buffy first met, and how he felt the same way the song described. How she made him act, and how he wanted her, God how he had wanted her. He had just met her, he had just saw her, and he loved her. Her kiss, and her presence just made him feel so weak, he was under her spell. He liked the song, and the reminder of it all. The song faded away and he got a shock, the next song wasn't about a guy and a girl, or anything like it. But it was about life, basically, 'The Animal Song' played and he just listened intently with a clear head for once.
When the superstars and cannonballs are running through your head
Television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Subway makes me nervous people pushing me too far
Got to break away so take my hand now because
I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle the wind in my hair and the sand at my feet
He smiled, the song was kind of nice. Nice change of scenery for a while, but he got the biggest surprise of all from the song after this one. It made him angry, not necessarily at the song, but at it's truth. 'The Lover After Me' hit home, big time.
Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on
Ever since you've been gone
The lights go off the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me
He wanted to hit something, hard, and at the same time, he was so incredibly sad at what he had let slip away. He knew it was happening, she had someone else now, that Riley guy.
Am I all alone in the universe
There's no love on these streets
I've given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny
I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I'm always twenty minutes late
Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me
He picked up the small lamp on the desk, ripped it out of the wall, and threw it across the room. It smashed as it made contact with the door, and all the pieces fell to the floor. He slumped down in the chair and hung his head in his hands, as Cordy and Doyle ran in and jumped over the glass. Doyle came over to him, "Hey, man-" Angel jumped up, and backed away. He was going to say more, but Cordelia touched his arm lightly; she had been listening to the song.
And time goes by so slowly
The nights are so cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on to you
Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on
Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To you lover now
To your love
The lover after me
The lover after me
Angel tried to recover, he brought his hand up to his forehead. "I.. I.. it fell off the desk. And.. and when I tried to catch it, see it flew over there." No one was fooled one bit, he was fidgeting the whole time he said it. His mouth would open and close, his hands were shaky, and his eyes were always looking at the ground. Cor went over to him,
"Angel... Are you going to be all right?" She asked, but no matter what his reply she knew the answer. He squinted at the floor, "I..," he looked at her, "No, I don't think so."
He slid down to the floor, and Doyle stopped the CD player. "What's happening to me? I was doing okay, well not okay, but I never let it get to me like that. Then that song..." he said looking to them for an answer, any answer. "That's the power of music for ya," she said, an apologetic smile on her face. Doyle went over to them, but bumped the Boom Box as he walked by. He didn't think he'd done anything and went to help Angel off the floor. He stood and a soft music floated in the air. Angel sat down as the song said exactly what he needed to do.
I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me
Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
the picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again
Angel gulped as his chin quivered. Cordy placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, she thought he really needed it. She had never seen him this upset, ever that she could remember.
Springtime in the city
Always such a relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If ya know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda
Don't stop keep that chin up you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?
Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The pictures frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I would give to see your face again
Angel thought hard while he listened to his own thoughts as they come out of someone else's mouth. "Angel? What are you going to do?" she asked him. "I'm not sure."
I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it everyday
So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it to soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?
Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again
I see your face
I see your face
He looked to her for her opinion, what did she think he should do? He knew he wanted to go see her, but should he?
He could say he just wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday, but they had said that they would start to forget. Forget... I'll never forget, and I know she won't either. We might move on, but we will never forget. Maybe things have changed, maybe she wants me back the way I want her. No, why would she? I left her, and she won't just come running back to me whenever I feel like it. She's not stupid, he thought as Doyle paced the room. "Doyle."
"What are you doing?" Cordelia asked nodding towards Angel's slumped form in the chair.
"Well, think about it. I mean 'dat last song, was like tellin' their life's story! Don' cha' think?" he said in his cute Irish accent.
"Yeah, so what exactly are you saying?"
He huffed, "Well, there's gotta be spies! Cuz' that's just to dang weird!"
Cordelia stifled a laugh, "Are you all right Doyle?"
He shrugged, "Just statin' the obvious."
She nodded chuckling to herself, then her face softened, "Angel? Do you want me to go back to good old Sunnydale? Talk to them all, Buffy I mean? Soften her up for ya'? I could find out what's going on with her, I mean as hard as it may be to believe, I think she'd tell me if something was wrong." Angel gave her a half smile,
"I don't know, I mean, yeah could you do that for me? I mean don't tell her, but ya' know. I need to know how she's doing." She perked up, "Great! Well, Doyle I want you to watch him closely, don't let him do anything he will regret. Like go on a drinking binge, in other words, don't turn him into another you." She left the room and left Doyle with him mouth hanging open. "I don't know what she's talking 'bout," he said holding his hands up.
Angel smiled at this, and went down to his room to try and get some sleep, for the first time in days. "Thanks," he said as the elevator door closed. "No problem buddy," he said and went over to the computer.