Walk away and I stumble
Chapter ten
"Then let me enlighten you." Severus said settling himself down in the living room and conjuring a cup of tea for himself. "Nathan was the first man that I ever truly loved." He began.
"I was very much like you when I first fell in love, although I was slightly older than yourself at the time, he was my world, my everything and he appeared to feel the same about me, we were together a year and a half. Everything seemed to be on the right path, I was thinking about marrying him and then I found out that I was pregnant."
Severus held up a hand to stop Harry from interrupting him as he had about to, now that he had started it was far easier to just keep going.
"I thought that if I told him he would propose and we would live happily ever after, however that wasn't exactly the way that everything happened. When I told him about the baby he flipped and left me.
"I was heartbroken, didn't really know what to do with myself, I knew that living without him was going to be hard enough without having to worry about having a baby in tow."
"So what did you do?" Harry asked, he now reached down and took Severus' hand within his own, he had of course promised himself that he would not allow the potions professor to break down his barriers however the older man had now started to tear up and Harry couldn't help but feel a little sorrow for him.
"I did the most stupid thing possible, an action that I regret to this day, I went to St Mungo's and I had the child aborted. There was no sign of Nathan, at least not for another year, at which point I had only just started to get my life back together, getting my job at Hogwarts back on track and settling down there again after going off the rails for a while."
"Did Nathan come back?"
"Yes, it was the Christmas before the summer that I met Ian. Nathan asked to see the child that I had mothered, he said that he had realised his own stupidity and wanted to make amends that he was going to start now. Then I told him, at first he didn't believe me, accused me of all manor of things however, finally after a long while he accepted the fact that I had killed our child." Severus paused but didn't allow Harry to say anything, he just sat enjoying the touch his lover had provided.
"So he tried to get back together with me, a month or so before hand and I would have jumped at the chance but then I realised that I didn't need him, I didn't want to be sent back to that dark place where I had resided for far too long now. I told him no, told him that he had broken my heart for the last time and that if it broke again then I wouldn't survive, however it seemed that he felt the same, he killed himself that very night."
"That wasn't your fault Severus, you do know that right?"
"I do now, but it took me two long years to do so, at the time I was near suicidal again, however with Dumbledore's help I survived, my heart hardening ever more with time and then I met Ian.
"He was a student teacher, a few years younger than myself but the age gap was not as great as it is between the two of us. After about a month I could tell that he loved me but I knew that I did not love him, I wasn't meant to be with him forever however Ian did not think along the same lines that I did. He told me that he had conceived our child and I was infuriated, in him I saw the child that I had killed to please the person I had loved, and I hated him."
"So when I told you, did you hate me?"
"For a short time, yes, I think that I did, however ever since the first day that I had laid eyes upon you I had noticed that there was something about you that I could never figure out.
"When you knocked on my door the summer of your graduation, begging for refuge I gave it to you, not because I pitied you but because you deserved it, I truly believed that that was my only motive for stepping aside and letting you in that day. However there is one thing that I do not understand, why it was me that you came to and not your friends or Dumbledore?"
"Because if I had gone to Ron or Hermione, even Dumbledore then they would have revealed my presence there, one way or another I would not have gained the solitude that I craved and needed, the one person that I knew I could trust, knew would never betray me for any price was you, although I was doubtful at first to whether you would let me in. I did convince myself, like you did, that that was my only motive for going to you, the truth was that I admired you and had a crush on you."
"So do you understand now, why I did what I did, why I treated you so badly?"
"That isn't an excuse Severus, just because you have a past, granted not a very pleasing one but it still isn't an excuse however I know that I love you and I want you be here to help raise our daughter however I can't do it knowing that you might leave at any moment."
"In all fairness I didn't leave the second time, you kicked me out."
"Because for one you wanted to go off and fight and secondly you said you didn't want to be lumbered with my daughter, she isn't a chore Severus; she is a blessing, a joy."
"I completely agree with you on the latter and she will be loved and now coming back to the war, which is something that we need to discuss."
"I completely agree with you, I need you to realise that I must end this, it is something that I just have to do. I met your son today, Ian as well, they are both so happy, Ian is now married to Neville of all people and Jonathan now has two sisters, Jessica and I think its Sarah, they are a perfect family."
"I am glad that my foolish mistake did not make him like me, I would never have forgiven myself if it had, a part of me regrets doing what I did to Ian as it meant that I never knew Jonathan however it also meant that you and I were able to get together and conceive Kayla."
"But none of that matters any more does it, I need to know what you intend to do now, I mean do I make room for you in our home or do I get on with my life and forget about you, tell Kayla that you were a one night stand that meant nothing?"
"You would lie to her in such a manor, tell her that I was no one to you, a short one night fling that you didn't care for, when it is evident that your love runs deeper than even you want to admit?"
"Yes, I would lie to her to save her from the pain that I have had to go through, the pain that you put me through, I won't allow you to do the same for her, I am her mother however ridiculous that sounds and I want to protect her, even from you."
"I won't hurt you or Kayla again Harry, I promise you that much, in fact while I was away from you I did a lot of thinking and I want to ask you something."
"And what was that Severus?"
"I don't ever want to be without you, the short time that we spent apart told me that much and showed me just how much that you mean to me. It made me realise how much you and Kayla mean to me. So this was my realisation when I was at Hogwarts, that I never want to live without you so I want you to marry me."
"Excuse me?"
"Will you marry me?"
"Severus, I don't think you quite understand exactly what you are asking of me here, I'm about to go off and fight a war and leave you with our daughter and you want me to marry you."
"Yes, that is exactly what I am asking you to do."
"Severus, I love you, I really do but do you honestly think that getting married is the right answer I mean we're always arguing right now, do you really think that it's wise that your asking me to marry you?"
"Would I really be asking if I didn't think that it was wise?"
"I don't know, all I know is that I want to be with you forever, I want to be married to you, so our daughter can be brought up in a secure environment."
"I do love you Severus and this is what I always wanted for us, although I never thought we would actually get to this point, I want the best for our daughter but I can't help but think that this is all moving a little fast for us."
"Fast? Harry, if this is what you want and what I want why do you even have to consider the answer, you have just said yourself that you want to get married why are you rejecting me?"
"I'm not rejecting you Severus, not completely I just don't know what to say, this was not what I expected from you, I'm in shock."
"I'll give you all the time and space that you need Harry I want you to make the right choice as it is one that changes everything, I do hope that I get a positive answer but it is your answer to give and not mine to dictate."
"Thank you Severus, could you give me a week to think about this, if you can do that then I will have an answer to give you I swear but I need that time to figure out what I am going to say. There is so much that needs to be considered, Kayla, Voldemort, everything needs to be thought through and I can't do that with you sitting right there in front of me."
"I understand Harry, I will come back and see you in a week, I promise, if you need me before then I will be at Hogwarts, teaching as always."
"Can you tell me that you love me?" Severus gave Harry a strange look as he stood up but those deep green eyes shone with so much emotion that he couldn't help but respond to the boy. "Please Severus, I need to hear you say it."
"Harry James Potter, you are the one thing in my life that makes me complete, I love you and that is never going to change."
A week later and Harry had made up his mind, he knew what answer that he was going to give Severus. Kayla was going through a growth spurt as Poppy had predicted and as each day passed Harry's waist line seemed to expand that little bit extra.
Tomorrow was the day that Severus was due to come round and see Harry however the younger wizard wasn't known for his patients and waiting an entire day was just not on his list of things that he wanted to do, so instead he had formed a plan in his mind.
He had booked a seat on the knight bus and was all prepared to go up to see Severus at Hogwarts, he liked the plan that he had thought up, although he wasn't exactly sure how it was going to work, he had to catch Severus coming out of his classroom just after the lesson had finished.
It was at ten o'clock in the afternoon when Harry boarded the Knight bus and greeted Stan and Ernie who seemed as cheerful as ever, they even complimented Harry on how well he looked, they did cast a glance towards his stomach that could no longer be concealed beneath a baggy jacket or tee.
Harry chose to ignore this and brush it off with a simple, 'you know whenever I get the urge to exercise I just lie down until it goes away.' At which both Stan and Ernie laughed but continued to eye his very pregnant belly.
Harry was thankful to disembark at the gates of Hogwarts, a sight that as a young boy of eleven and twelve had held so much hope for him and now almost had a feeling of foreboding attached to them.
Inside that building the most irritating man alive was sitting, most likely eating lemon drops, a man who would have him battle Voldemort at all costs, even at the cost of losing his unborn daughter, a price that for Harry was too high to pay.
Besides, now that he had decided to fight the fight he had been born to play a part in Dumbledore had got his way, although he wouldn't like the conditions that went with him getting his way.
Harry strolled purposefully up the winding path to the great oak doors that he slipped through, being only half past ten in the morning all the students were thankfully in class; even Dumbledore had not foreseen his coming and was not awaiting his arrival in the entrance hall as he normally would have done.
Without being noticed Harry slipped down into the dungeons and walked down the stone corridor, his heels clicking as he took each step, the sound echoing of the bare stone walls. That was something that he had always hated about the dungeons of Hogwarts, the lack of portraits that made the place look even more damp and depressing than it actually was.
Harry reached the door to Severus' classroom and stopped there and listened to his lover teach his class. He waited and listened for the entire hour, he did so love to listen to his voice as he spoke.
As the bell rang and students began to file out Harry slipped inside and stood at the back of the classroom unnoticed by Severus who was cleaning up some of the left over potion ingredients.
Harry just watched him work, as those slim fingers caressed his wand while he enchanted bottles to return to the cupboard that they belonged in. After a few moments of this Harry cleared his throat and Severus looked up.
"Harry, what on earth are you doing here?"
"I thought you deserved an answer but I wanted to give it to you in the place where we had our very first conversation, because if we're honest the great hall where we first laid eyes upon each other didn't seem very personal."
"Well if I recall our first conversation it wasn't exactly pleasant, or in fact civil."
"No, it wasn't but this place has slightly more meaning and it's slightly more personal." Harry said prolonging the moment that he would have to speak.
"As much as I enjoy our playful banter and our niceties the wait is killing me, what have you decided Harry?"
The Gryffindor took a deep breath and sat down on one of the vacated stools, Severus took a seat right in front of Harry and they joined hands.
"Severus I love you dearly, if I had never met you I would have forever been incomplete and I hope that our daughter is only the first and certainly not the last of our children to come into this world, however I am excepting your proposal on the condition that you let me fight the war I was supposed to fight and that you are the one who must stay behind and take care of Kayla while I do this and that you are the one that must take care of her if anything should happen to me."
"Those conditions are hard to except but I suppose that I must if I am ever to receive your love, I just dislike the thought of you going off to fight Voldemort, I don't think that I could lose another loved one."
"But you will have Kayla, she is a part of me and a part of you, you will always have her and besides you should have a little more faith in your husband to be, do you really think that I'm going to go off and fight Voldemort if I didn't think that I would be able to come back to you?"
"But that's the thing Harry, for nineteen years now the bond between you and Voldemort has grown and developed, what if breaking it kills you?"
"I'm not going to kill him Severus I have a plan and I need your help to do it and not to mention Dumbledore, even though I hate to admit it I will need his help."
"What is your plan?"
"I will tell you but first I want you to ask me again."
"Ask … oh" Realisation dawned upon Severus and he got down on one knee, something he knew to be the traditional muggle way of proposing and asked: "Harry James Potter, will you do me the honour of accepting my proposal of marriage?"
"There is nothing in the world that I would more Severus … what is your middle name?" Harry asked suddenly realising that he didn't actually know what Severus' middle name was.
"Oh, it's Alexander."
"Severus Alexander Snape, I like it."
"I must ask one favour of you though Harry."
"Anything Severus, what is it?"
"I don't wish our daughter to share my name, the Snape line must end with me, it's Kayla Sophia Potter, I refuse to curse any child with the name of my ancestors, the respect we once had is long since gone, however the name of Potter holds so much respect of the wizarding world."
"Are you sure that that is what you want because I don't want you to think that she is more my daughter than yours."
"Never would I think that, but it is my wish that she does not have the name of my forefathers, I want to give her the best chance in life possible."
Okay, another chapter out, I hope you liked this, please don't forget to leave a review, it keeps me writing!