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GOODBYE

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Goodbye.

I never did understand how one word could bring so much pain to a person; how it could tear you up inside and how it could make you feel as if you've been shattered into a million pieces, and never to be completed again.

How is it that something as poignant and straightforward could all be conveyed in just one word? Was goodbye, indeed the equivalent to a period in a sentence? To 'the end' of a movie? To the 'finish' of a race? To the conclusion of a story?

I couldn't help but scorn at the upright mockery of such word.

I used to believe that the person being said goodbye to would be the one to take the full blow of its unforgiving clutches. It was such a pity to be hearing such word that makes no distinction of its sufferer.

But I was wrong.

How I was so wrong.

I never did see its double-edged blade glinting deviously at me. I was stupid to be looking only at the word one-sidedly.

For I now know, that it hurts just as much to be the one to have to say that word. If not, more than being the one to hear it. Especially if you have to say goodbye when you don't want to. And when you don't mean it.

Yes, it is indeed tearing me up inside. And it is even gnawing my heart to its very core, resisting the love I have yet to speak of; to the person who never loved me in return, the way I have loved her.

Sakura.

It's funny how I have to say goodbye to the person whom I haven't even started a beginning with. It's such a shame that she would never knew, the plethora of love I have nurtured for her through all these years.

Sakura was my enemy, my rival, my bestfriend, and my partner.

And I've fallen for her.

But why is it that of all the heartfelt things I have to say to her, I chose the word goodbye?

I must admit, that no matter how harsh and conniving such word is, its beauty lies that it expresses everything that I'm not.

It's like how black is to white, how yin is to yang, how fire is to ice.

I love Sakura, but this time I find it easier to say 'goodbye' than to say 'I love you'.

The word comforts those of us who chose the other option to just let things be. Because this one little word, will express everything we cannot say.

Cowardly thing to say?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Tell me, how could you not say goodbye to the person whose eyes, which you longed to stare and bare your soul to, gazing tenderly at somebody else's eyes?

How could you ruin the one single thread of friendship that bonds you with her, if it's the only thing that you could settle for?

But…

…Just as much, how could you say goodbye to the person you wanted to see more?

I took a deep breath. I know I just have to do it now. The dull ache of my heart and the word 'goodbye' at the tip of my tongue seems to taunt me. But I know this has to be done.

I took one long glance at the crinkled emerald eyes, bearing such happiness, and the shoulder length auburn hair of the girl whom will hear nothing of just how much how I truly feel about her.

Nothing but just…goodbye.

As I walk towards her, I couldn't help but smile at the sound of her giggle, probably due to something that must have humored her.

"Konnichiwa Sakura-san."

She stopped short of her giggle upon hearing my voice. I could hear her breathing in shallow gasps as she tried to recompose herself. She turned her gaze at me, stood up from where she's sitting at and smiled.

"Konnichiwa, Syaoran-kun." I watched as her hand made a motion for me to join her group of friends, as they talked animatedly in their own little table, situated in the school park.

"Konnichiwa, Li-kun!" The bubbly voice of Tomoyo joined in, as she made a nod to also invite me over in their talk. I smiled slightly and shook my head politely. I do not have time to socialize right now. I couldn't put off another minute of this torture anymore.

"Ano…I need to talk to you. I'm hoping we could talk privately. That is, if you don't mind."

My voice seemed to be forceful, almost pleading, but I can't help it. God knows, I can't help it.

She looked at me questioningly.

"Sure."

I watched her stand, uttered a few words to her group before going towards me. My eyes seems to memorize everything she does, as if trying to etch her in my brain.

"So, what do you want to talk to me about?" She asked me, as we walked along side by side, not knowing where to go. I looked at her. I once saw again the peculiar look that crossed her eyes.

"Do you have any idea of what to give to Yukito this Valentine's day?"

Shit. That was not supposed to be what I have to say. I can't believe that sometimes, I just love making myself suffer.

Just say goodbye to her, dammit!

"Eh?" Her face seemed to be taken aback in surprise, obviously caught off-guard by my question. "I-I really haven't given it much thought yet…"

"Oh." And that, was my reply to a sudden awkward conversation we're having. I opened my mouth to speak but I suddenly found it hard to say anything at all.

Why is it that for one single word to be spoken, it takes a lot of time to be said?

"You know, Syaoran-kun..I can't believe we're graduating high school already. Can't you believe that?"

Ah. The ever cheerful voice of Sakura. I just love hearing that. I just love how she tries to make every seemingly uncomfortable moment lighten up. And I know that's what she's trying to do right now.

"That's what we, I mean, me, Tomoyo, Eriol and the others we're talking about earlier. We're planning to go to Tokyo University, just like you are." She continued talking, just as we still continued walking, her voice now bearing such happiness that makes it much harder for me to say my piece. "Oi, did you already arrange your papers, you know, the usual requirements before you enroll at the University? 'Cause Tomoyo and I are planning to do that next week and…"

"No. I haven't." I cut her short. I halted. I thought I would never stop walking, stalling for time as to how I would tell her what I have to say but I suddenly realized the need to stop. It's as if the time stopped too, almost giving me this last moment to be with her. "I don't need to do that anymore."

"Why?" I heard her footsteps faltered, as she stopped beside me. I felt the light breeze of the air touching my cheeks and I look gingerly at the shorter girl standing beside me. "Have you decided not to go to Tokyo University anymore?"

"I..I…yes." I can't believe how words seem to be leaving me as of the moment. Every single seconds of standing so close to her aches me, knowing that after this, everything would be over. "Sakura…"

I sighed. This is it.

"The reason why I wanted to talk to you is because…"

I took a deep breath. It was hard to keep my emotions in place. I could feel my defenses crumbling, my façade faltering, and my heart dying.

"I wanted to say goodbye."

And to let you know how much I loved you and how much I'm letting you go and if it means I have to get away from you, farther away from you, for me to recover, I would. You're happy with someone else and that eats me up inside.

But Sakura never heard those words.

She didn't knew the whole meaning of my goodbye.

I thought once you said the word, the pain will be dissolved, yes…little by little, painfully slow, but at least, it would be gone. I thought it would leave me no traces behind.

But once again I was wrong.

I was still wrong.

It was wicked. I never thought nothing could be much more painful than saying and hearing the word.

Until I saw how it works.

My eyes scanned her face and found her's looking back at me in astonishment. I watched as her eyes glistened, while she tries to blink back her tears. I watched her tremble.

"B-But…why…I never thought…" She stammered. "Where..are..you..going?"

"I'm going back to Hongkong. I've decided to… pursue college there, as requested by the elders." I slightly winced at my reply.

"When are you coming back here? Are you still coming back?"

"I don't know. Maybe…not."

"Why..so sudden? Why didn't I know about this…" she choked back a sob. "…Sooner?"

"I.." I stopped. How could I tell her how much pain I've been going through just to say that one little word? How hard it was to have the courage to say that I'm going to leave her behind?

"Gomen Nasai."

"Why are you saying sorry?"

I saw a tear rolled down in her eyes and immediately, I grazed tenderly the cheek that felt the trickle of tear that she'd made.

"For making you cry."

I watched as her mouth tried to smile but it ended up making a sad smile, resembling most probably my pitiful try, as well, to smile. But it hurts. God knows it hurts.

"I'm crying because I'm losing my bestfriend." She shook her head. "But I know it's your choice to return there and that you know how you'd be much better to be there and that…"

"Sakura." I said firmly. I don't need to hear more of how she's going to miss me. It makes things just as hard as it already is. "Goodbye."

She shook her head.

"Goodbye." I said once again, with conviction. Why is it that the more I say it, the more it hurts? Isn't it that it should lessen the pain already?

She looked up at me and stared at my eyes.

And for a brief moment, I was given that chance to gaze back at her without any inhibitions. It was not the scenario I had in mind when she has to stare in my eyes, but right now, I don't care. If it's the last thing that I would have to remember something about her, I wanted it to be this way.

With a sigh, her emerald eyes broke the contact with my amber ones and she looked away.

"Yes. It seems it is indeed, goodbye."

I blinked back. And I felt the overwhelming emotions gripping me as it dawned to me that the one I've said my farewell to accepted my own goodbye.

I nodded, swallowing the forming lump in my throat I could feel my feet walking away from her. I wanted to shout, I wanted to cry, I wanted to hurl something, anything that could equate the intense confusion of feelings I've been having. But instead, I just walked. And I continue to walk away from her.

"Syaoran-kun."

And then I stopped.

"I just wanted to let you know how much I really cared for you." I could hear her choking out the words, echoing softly along with the wind, carrying her pain to my own pain as well. "I don't know if I'll be able to see you again. But…but…"

I could almost feel her own deep pain mingling with mine.

How I hated goodbyes more than ever now.

"Since I figured that I already have nothing to lose, You just might as well know that…"

I turned around to face her. I could see her standing, looking vulnerable as she grasped the tree nearest to her to support her, her face contorted with pain.

"I've fallen In love with you. Ever since we were kids. I've loved you more than a friend." She chuckled sadly. Her laughter echoing nothing but a hollow melody. "And I didn't tell you about it cause I was afraid to ruin the special thing we have right now. Our friendship. But right now, I don't care. You're going away and you're leaving me. Do I still have anything to lose? Do I still have anything to take care of?"

I was speechless. I can't believe she's uttering the same words I haven't spoken.

"Sakura…I.."

"No. Let me finish first, Syaoran." She shook her head sadly. "I can't believe I'm thinking so much of how I value this friendship that I didn't say anything because…because I don't want to lose you. And now that I've never said anything, I'm still going to lose you. I-I…"

I watched as her hands clamped her mouth, trying to hold back the silent whimpers she's trying hard to conceal, but still failed to do so.

"G-Goodbye, Syaoran-kun."

And then she ran. Away from me.

I grasped the last words she'd said to me.

Goodbye.

But right now, it seems like it doesn't hurt anymore.

With an instinct, I decided to run after her, my heart bursting with newfound emotions I never thought it would have. I could feel it tingling with anxiety at the thought of finally having the chance to express itself, to reveal its true feelings.

"Sakura! Matte!"

That worked, for she halted. Or so it seems.

She whirled around to face me, her eyes sending waves of emotion such as unhappiness and frustration at me.

"You said goodbye already and I said my goodbye, Syaoran." She glared. "What do you still want?"

I used to think how one word could bring so much pain to a person; how it could tear you up inside and how it could make you feel as if you've been shattered into a million pieces, and never to be completed again.

And yet, I am still wrong.

I am always wrong.

Just like the promise of an ending, is the start of a new beginning; the end of a sentence means a new paragraph, and a conclusion of the story could mean the start of another new story.

Just like how goodbyes could mean another way of saying hello. And saying…

"I love you too, Sakura."

And I will never forget the loving look as she stared at me in surprise, with those wonderful emerald eyes.

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kotsch

A/N: Advance Happy Valentine's day everyone. )