Change of Heart

Disclaimer:

Nearly all of this belongs to Mrs J.K. Rowling. See before chapter 1 for details.

Thank yous:

Arwen, thank you again for being such an helpful beta-reader.

Akari, grazie for your comments, for being there...
You know I would never have written that if you hadn't supported me.

Nicky, merci for buying the "magical books that started it all",
and for being the perfect sister every girl would like to have.

And thanks to my readers,
especially to spygirl4747 who was the only one to review chapter 3...
(I guess I shouldn't have published it while everyone was reading book 6!)

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Chapter 4 – So confused

Less than 24 hours later, it seemed that the whole school was commenting on Lily's fit of anger. Some people laughed; others sounded rather shocked. James's admirers, of course, thought she was totally insane and held it against her for making him look like a fool. So she couldn't walk in a corridor without meeting some pairs of reproachful, flashing eyes.

"Great! He stopped staring at me, but his fan club is taking over!" she sighed as she and her friends passed by another group of Pottermaniacs on their way from Potions to Charms.

She had to admit it was an improvement, though; since she had only two classes in common with one of those girls, she was able to concentrate again during the other lessons, and even her new enemy wasn't as annoying as James had been, so she didn't have to worry anymore about the repercussion that constant distraction would have on her marks.

"And at least now you can be sure that Potter will never bother you again," Sandra pointed out. "After what you told him, he probably hates you even more than his fans do!"

Did he? Lily suddenly realised she hadn't wanted that. She had meant to hurt him, of course, because she was so angry, but now she felt a little guilty. Which annoyed her, but she couldn't help it. And she didn't dare ask Joanne's or Sandra's opinion. It was the first time since their first year that Lily wasn't sure they would understand her. They never seemed to take the matter seriously and, above all, Lily wanted to avoid their teasing. So she said nothing, but it was hard to take her thoughts for herself. She really needed to talk to someone.

That's why she was glad, that evening, to see Cybela Adams, who was leaving the library just as Lily was about to enter it in hope of finding a book likely to take her mind off of things. She didn't know how to begin, but Cybela tacked the subject first:

"I wanted to tell you that I admire the way you talked to James Potter. He really needed to be turned down, for once!"

That was true, but Lily really felt much less proud of her brilliant feat since Sandra's remark had made her think James might be very upset about it.

"So you don't think it was...immoderate?" she asked hesitantly.

Obviously not, judging by Cybela's look.

"Do you?" the Ravenclaw girl wondered.

"Sometimes," Lily confessed. "You know... He was driving me crazy, so I really lost control. I hated him more than ever but now... You see, if he did all that because he loved me..."

Lily stopped talking, remembering she had never said a word about that in front of anyone but Sandra and Joanne. She wasn't entirely sure that mentioning the letter now would be a good idea, but since she had begun...

The two girls sat down on the bottom step of the nearest staircase and Lily told Cybela the whole story - talking very low and checking every two seconds that nobody could hear her, of course.

"He can't be serious!" the Ravenclaw girl exclaimed when she knew James pretended to be in love with Lily.

That reaction, so different from her Gryffindor friends', surprised Lily greatly.

"That's what I thought," she said. "But..."

She hesitated. Cybela seemed to understand better than the others, but could she be trusted not to repeat their conversation?

"Lily, I saw him with Linda... He doesn't even know what 'love' means!"

Lily sighed.

"That's what I said, too."

"So why did you change your mind?"

"I'm not sure I did. It's just... I'm not sure of anything anymore now."

It sounded horribly theatrical even to her own ear, but it was the best way to describe her state of mind. Unsure. Doubtful. Lost.

"Maybe you should ask his friends," Cybela suggested. "They surely know."

Lily shook her head.

"They wouldn't tell me the truth."

"I think Remus Lupin would. Or he'd say he can't tell you, but he surely wouldn't lie."

Remus? Well, at least he was too polite to laugh at her... But could she manage to see him alone? It would have been possible when he was a Prefect, but now...

"Just come here tomorrow after dinner," Cybela advised. "He finds the Gryffindor common room too noisy to study."

"How do you know that?"

Cybela was so shy that Lily would have bet she had never talked to a boy in her entire life.

"Well...the Ravenclaws aren't perfectly quiet, either."

That didn't explain everything, but Lily didn't ask more questions. After all, it was none of her business if Cybela fancied Remus. At least she would have better tastes than Linda...

° ° °

Lily spent two hours working on an essay while watching out for an opportunity to talk to Remus, who was sitting at the other end of the long table. She had been doing the same every day for a week and a half but, everytime, something interfered with her plans; either Remus didn't come at all or there were too many people around to have a private conversation. However, Cybela had convinced her on making another attempt, and that's why the two girls were there again, pretending to be deeply concentrating on their work when, in reality, they didn't miss any of the other students' comings and goings.

Lily was about to leave, convinced that staying longer was completely useless, when the group of 5th years that were occupying the best part of the table started to get their things together.

"Now you can go," Cybela whispered.

Slowly, Lily put her quill down, rolled up her parchment, shut her inkpot and took the letter out of her bag.

Cybela left right behind the others, turning for a second on the doorstep to make a little sign of encouragement to her Gryffindor friend.

Now the coast was clear... Except that, taking a look at Remus and seeing him so absorbed in a book, Lily didn't felt she had the right to disturb him.

She got up, the letter in her hand, still wondering whether she should try to catch his attention. Suddenly she didn't even remember why exactly she wanted to talk to him. To know the truth, yes, but...was that so important, after all? Important enough to take the risk of letting a friend of James Potter's know how much that letter had perturbed her?

She hadn't decided yet when Remus looked up, saw her and smiled.

"Need this book?" he asked. "You can take it. I finished my essay. I was only reading another chapter. It's very interesting."

"Oh! No, I don't need it... Thanks."

She wished she could stop the conversation there, go out the room and forget about all that forever, but Remus had obviously guessed she had been wanting to ask him for something, so it was too late to draw back.

"Actually, I was wondering if you could tell me..." she began.

But what was she supposed to say next? "...if James loves me for real"? "...if your bigheaded friend tried to trap me with this ridiculous declaration"?

Not finding a good end, she left the sentence unfinished and went round the table to sit down on the chair next to Remus's. Then she handed him James's letter.

"Please tell me what you think of this," she said in a voice that she couldn't keep from trembling a little.

Remus took the parchment envelope with an expression of puzzlement that turned into astonishment when he recognized the handwriting.

"James wrote to you!"

So he didn't know...

"Or someone imitated his handwriting... But I guess you can tell whether it's really his."

"Oh, I'm sure it is. But, Lily...do you want me to read all that? I don't think I should. He says it's personal..."

Of course, Remus was too well mannered to read something when he knew the author wouldn't like him to do... However, Lily insisted:

"I know. And it is personal, but...please, just read it. You'll see why I'm so...confused."

She'd have rather avoided saying that out loud, but she felt she had to be honest.

Remus stared at her for some seconds, looking surprised, and Lily wondered what he was thinking. Then, saying nothing, he resumed his reading of the letter.

Observing his reactions, Lily could tell that James's sudden humility - when he acknowledged being terribly showing-off sometimes - amazed Remus as much as her. But it was nothing compared to her own amazement when she saw him smiling as he reached the last part - the actual declaration of love.

Did that mean it was a joke, after all? But no; on further consideration, it was obviously not that kind of smile - not mocking or anything. It looked more like the smile of someone seeing his guess confirmed. A smile that said "I knew it". Except that Remus didn't look too pleased to have been right. He kept silent, clearly not knowing what to say, so Lily asked:

"Well then, what do you think?"

Remus finally took his eyes off the parchment to look at her with a sort of anxiety.

"James did write that, I have no doubt, if that's what you want to know. It's not only the handwriting; some words are typically his, too."

So she knew, now. She had an answer, at last - an answer that shouldn't even have surprised her, since she had already been nearly convinced of James's sincerity after the day when she gave him his Head Boy badge back. But hearing it was still a shock. And of course it didn't solve the problem at all.

"I can't believe it," she said, more to herself than to the boy who was still staring at her, with his head to one side, probably trying to guess her thoughts and searching for the best way to speak in James's favour - or maybe wondering whether he should do it.

"Lily..." he said hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"I can imagine how it must be hard for you to believe it but, really, James means all that. He would never have written such a letter if he didn't. I can't believe it either, in a way. I knew...hum...how he felt about you - we all knew, though he has always been trying to deny it because he was too proud to admit he was upset every time you refused to go out with him - but..."

Lily had involuntarily frowned at the words "you refused to go out with him", that sounded like a reproach, and Remus stopped talking. Ill at ease, he looked down at the table and started toying with his quill.

"But?" Lily repeated gently, hoping he would catch the apology in her tone.

She knew he hadn't meant to reproach her anything, in reality.

"I never thought he would tell you," Remus finished. "You know how he is..."

He paused, clearly expecting Lily to say something, but she refrained from doing.

"As long as he was pretending he didn't really care, he could ask you out every time he had an opportunity without having his dignity too scratched..."

This time Lily couldn't help commenting:

"Never thought about mine, did he? He never tried to imagine how degrading it could be, feeling I was considered just a pretty girl among so many others..."

She had been too hurt by James's apparent detachment to miss the chance to let it know. She was sorry only for the ironic tone, because Remus wasn't responsible for James's stupidity. And he looked so uncomfortable... Nearly ashamed at his friend's place!

"To be honest, I thought you hated him too much to feel anything but angry," Remus said, toying with his quill again to avoid her eye. "He probably thought the same."

"To be honest too, I did," Lily confessed. "I never asked myself why I was angry since I already had lots of reasons to dislike him anyway. What I said before, I realised it lately, because I was more hurt than ever. You see...I thought the letter might be just a manoeuvre to add me to his collection of girlfriends."

Remus didn't answer right away. Obviously shocked, he first seemed about to retort vehemently. Lily even saw his eyes flashing with an intensity that makes her recoil slightly, but the next second he had his usual calm back and she felt like an idiot. There was absolutely no reason to be afraid of a boy like Remus Lupin, even highly indignant at something you said about a friend of his. It was ridiculous. And unkind. She knew he had noticed, and that it saddened him, though she couldn't really understand why.

"Remus..." she began. "I didn't mean..."

But he didn't let her finish.

"I know. No matter. Just remember James would never harm you or anyone else to achieve his aim. He's got faults, of course, but he's not...well, in short, he's not a Slytherin!"

That was certainly not a very nice thing to be said, and Remus looked a little ashamed to have let out a general opinion about a group of people without knowing them all personally, but since it was common knowledge that the Sorting Hat had always picked for the Slytherin House the students most likely to adopt a "the end justifies the means" philosophy, Lily could hardly blame him for that. So she chose to ignore the slanderous side of his words and she laughed, saying he was talking as if he thought she regard James as a sort of monster, who would have all the faults in the world.

"Oh! And I'd be wrong to think so?" Remus asked, laughing too.

"Well...not that much!"

They laughed louder, incurring a disapproving look from Madam Pince.

"We'd better go," Lily said. "Thanks for helping me. Now at least I know this letter is not just some prank of yours. I mean... Not yours, of course!"

Remus smiled.

"I'm never totally innocent in the Marauders' pranks, you know... That's why I felt so uncomfortable as a Prefect. Every time Sirius had one of those silly ideas he's never short of and that James started making plans to put it into practice with Peter's enthusiastic support, I knew I should have stopped them but I never did - I only tried to put a brake on their projects when they really were about to go too far, as I'd always done. That's...sort of my job in the gang. But a Prefect's supposed to tell a teacher when school rules are broken and that...I just couldn't do it. It would have been betrayal."

He paused for one second before saying the last sentence, in a very low voice:

"So I betrayed the teachers' trust instead."

His smile had disappeared and he was looking so sad again... Much more than he should, in Lily's opinion. She was sure that neither Professor Dumbledore or Professor McGonagall had ever expected him to give his friends away. And she told him so, adding as a conclusion an "After all, you're not a Slytherin!" that brought his smile back, just like she was hoping it would.

He had already begun to put all his things in his bag while he was talking, and Lily turned back to the other end of the table to gather hers too.

She had lots of questions in mind - about the reason why he had refused to be Head Boy, about the funny names he and his friends gave to each other and about that excessive guilty feeling he had when he thought of all the pranks he should have stopped them from making - but she didn't dare ask anything as they were walking to the Gryffindor Tower. Remus was so reserved... He had been her classmate for six years, they had been together as well at the Prefect meetings for two years, and Lily still didn't think she was able to say she knew him - not really. He never talked about himself and even harmless questions such as "Where do you live?" or "Are your parents Wizards or Muggles?" sounded very personal when addressed to him, probably because he never asked anything to anyone.

If he was wondering what she intended to do now that she knew James really liked her, he didn't show it. He kept silent and didn't even seem to remember Lily was there until she spoke, just before they reached the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Remus... Please don't tell Pot-- please don't tell James I talked to you about the letter. I guess I have to answer it, but I need time to think."

He nodded, understanding.

"Don't worry, I won't say anything."

Then Lily gave the password to the Fat Lady and, as the portrait was starting to pivot, Remus added hastily:

"Please try not to hurt him."

° ° °

She had promised. She had promised not to hurt James Potter. And she really meant to keep that promise... But how?

"Go out with him!" Joanne suggested, half-mocking, half-serious.

Sandra merely asked Lily whether she still hated James as much as before.

Good question... At the time, Lily answered with her usual vehemence, maintaining she couldn't change her mind about all the idiotic things James had done to impress the girls, and yet...

On second thought it was obvious that something had changed. She still didn't like James very much, of course, but, now that she knew he had been sincere, she felt horribly ashamed about the way she had turned him down every time he had talked to her. So it wasn't only because of her promise that she tried to find something to write in answer to the letter. But no matter the reason, it was a real headache.

What do you write to someone who loves you when you barely can stand them? How can you be kind without giving the impression you might like them, after all?

Even the opening was a problem. Potter? Too cold. Dear Potter? Not cold enough. Not to mention Dear James! As for Potter - James... That would be particularly ambiguous. To her, it would only mean she found the expression amusing, but he surely would take it another way, whether as a mockery or, more likely, as a new agreement to his decision of using first names, which would imply a notion of closeness... No, she couldn't write that. It was quite enough to have let out those words once! So she left a blank space at the top of the parchment and tried to concentrate on the main part of her message.

Sorry I didn't answer your letter sooner. I was so surprised I didn't know what to...

No! No apology. Never forget who had something to apologise for in the first place.

I must confess that, when I first read that letter of yours, I thought you were making fun of me, but then I asked Remus and...

No, mentioning Remus wouldn't be a good thing. James wouldn't certainly be happy to know his friend had read his love words.

Then...what else?

Maybe humour could do. Only, it can easily be taken wrong, especially when you don't have the person in front of you... She couldn't just write something like I think it will be very, very hard for you to convince me you're not really a "bloody git" but I guess I have to give you the chance you asked for and hope he would understand it wasn't supposed to be unkind irony, for once.

About an hour and ten more crossed out start sentences later, Lily crumpled the scrap parchment and unrolled a new one, smaller than the first, to write that simple note:

OK, Potter, since you seem determined to act reasonably now, I think we should be able to talk to each other in a civilized manner. So, if you still want to make things right with me, you know where I am. L.E.

Was it enough? Too much? No matter, after all; at least it was something. But what would he think? Say? And do?

° ° °

Those questions kept running into Lily's mind all night long, and she was very nervous when she went down for breakfast the next morning. What if James called out to her in front of the whole school?

Fortunately, he spared her that embarrassment, but he did turn round and smile as she was passing behind his seat. And she smiled back - which amazed her friends.

"Lily? Are you all right?" Joanne asked in an exaggerated tone of concern.

"I'm just trying to be kind, Jo!"

"Kind to your worse enemy! You really must be unwell!"

Sandra didn't make any comment, but her amused expression spoke for her, in a way even more awkward than Joanne's. So Lily felt forced to confess she had answered the letter, but insisted on her promise to Remus to justify her sudden about-face. Then she refused to say anything more.

They ate in silence, since neither Sandra or Joanne was able to find another argument that would interest them as much as the big piece of news they had just heard. Lily was still wondering what James had thought of her note. And, though she couldn't see him, she would have bet he was staring at her again.

She managed not to turn her head in his direction until the end of the meal, but when she got up she couldn't avoid meeting his eyes; someone was standing right beside her seat and she merely knocked against them, so she looked up to apologise...and remained speechless when she saw who it was.

"Can I talk to you?" James asked with a smile.

Once again, she smiled back. Not that she really wanted too, but since she had promised...

"You've already talked!" she pointed out in an amused tone.

Then, thinking he could take it as a sarcasm - after all, sentences like that always are, usually - she added, beckoning her friends not to wait for her:

"Yes, you can. But if we're supposed to have a real conversation we'd better choose another time; we've got a lesson in less than ten minutes!"

"That'll do. I only have a question to ask you - a second question, I mean!"

James's expression had nothing of its usual pretension. He looked exactly like when Lily had called him by his first name on the day of that badge matter, and it was highly disturbing to her. For some seconds she couldn't even remember why she had always hated him so much. So, when he asked whether she thought she would be able to survive an entire afternoon with him, she answered automatically "Yes, I think I could."

Then she realised what she had just said and added jokingly, hoping it would restore a certain distance:

"It'll surely be difficult, but I'll make an effort!"

"OK," James replied with a grin. "I promise you I will, too."

"Make an effort to stand me!"

He laughed.

"Yes, to stand you! Don't you know you're at least as unbearable as I am?"

Lily was about to give up her resolutions and turn back to the slap idea, but she saw just in time the mischievous sparkle in his eyes.

"Is that a kind of challenge? 'Who will be worse' or something?"

James certainly wasn't expecting her to take it that way, but it didn't seem to bother him. Joking was one of his strongest suits, after all. He was in his element.

"Well, we'll find out soon. Halloween day in Hogsmeade... Two weeks to go and I'll finally have my date with you!"

Lily stared at him in shock.

"Hey, who said it would be a date!" she exclaimed, frowning.

"Well, I did," James answered simply, eyes sparkling again and with a smile that Lily would have defined as charming if it hadn't been his. "What else would you call it?"

"A Who's-the-most-unbearable-person-in-the-school-? competition, of course!"

Another smile... And that look... He must really like her. It was...frightening? No, not entirely...

"You know, I meant I would do my best to behave, so you would see I'm a better choice than the Giant Squid," James explained eventually.

So he remembered that...

"You're going to have a hard time convincing me!" Lily warned, still sounding amused when in reality she felt rather awkward at the thought that yes, of course, he remembered the Giant Squid line, since it had hurt him. Not that he looked like he cared now, but he was so good at hiding that kind of feelings...

"OK, we'll see. Let's meet at Madam Puddifoot's, shall we?" he suggested.

Lily's reservations came back in full force at the mention of what was known as the most romantic place to go for a date in Hogsmeade.

"The Three Broomsticks, if you don't mind," she said a little too coldly.

If James was surprised or annoyed, he managed to hide it under an exaggerated courtesy:

"Just as you like, Miss Evans."

He didn't bow or anything of that kind but Lily was half expecting him to do, and she let out a little laugh at the thought, imagining herself curtseying in answer like a fairy tale princess.

"Are you making fun of me?"

As the question didn't sound at all like a reproach, Lily allowed herself another joking reply:

"Oh, I never would! It's so not like me, isn't it?"

"About as much as it's not like me, I'd say!"

Lily had almost forgotten who she was talking to. She was enjoying herself and didn't even notice how strange it should have felt.

"OK, since you're insulting me, I won't tell you what made me laugh!" she vowed, assuming an offended expression.

"Am I supposed to implore your forgiveness going down on my knees or something?" James inquired.

"Would you?" Lily asked playfully.

"Never!" he claimed without the slightest hesitation. "What do you think? I've got my pride, you know!"

"All school knows that!" she commented.

It was a tricky subject and, though he kept on speaking in the same carefree tone, Lily could tell James was terribly afraid of having ruined everything when he answered:

"You've just insulted me, too, so we're even. Now tell me what was so funny to you."

"Not today. We'll see at The Three Broomsticks. If you do behave, of course!"

"Of course," he agreed, clearly happy she hadn't changed her mind about the date, and once again his smile confused Lily.

She shouldn't have liked it and she hated admitting she did...but at least now she knew that the afternoon she would be forced to spend with James wasn't bound to be a complete nightmare.

"And what will you do if I don'tbehave?" James asked, pretending to be extremely worried.

"Nothing compared to what I'm going to do if I'm not in time for the lesson!" Lily replied, looking anxiously at her watch. "We'd better run; there's only one minute left."

She didn't feel like joking anymore, but James was too used to the teachers' remarks to care much about that.

"Just tell me something," he said. "What would bother you most - being late...or entering the classroom just in time, out of breath and with me?"

Lily, who had already started walking quickly towards the door, stopped short and turned round, a horrified look on her face.

He wasn't really thinking what she thought he was thinking, was he? He couldn't. And the others would never believe... But yes, of course they would. Or at least they would pretend to do, just for fun.

"Oh, this time I'm really going to kill you!" she shouted. "You did it on purpose, didn't you? You managed to make me forget it was time to go and..."

She wasn't even sure not to believe it. She wasn't sure of anything except that she had no chance to reach the classroom in time. And since she didn't want to blame it on herself, it had to be on him.

She was considering again the possibily of slapping him, but he grabbed her hand, begging her to calm down.

"Please keep your killing intentions for later and follow me. I know a secret passageway that can save us. But you have to swear you'll never tell anyone about it."

Another secret? James and his friends seemed to have more secrets than the rest of the Hogwarts students put together... But Lily had no time to think about that right now. Since it was her only chance to avoid a lateness, she decided to trust her "enemy" and followed him without a word.

°
° ° °

Do you think that everything was clear enough in the conversation with Remus?
I had to let guess what he was thinking about and couldn't tell Lily, which was quite hard.
If you have time, please tell me what seems clear to you and what doesn't.

See you soon!
(At least I hope so... It depends on my beta-reader.)