Change of Heart
Disclaimer:
Nearly all of this belongs to Mrs J.K. Rowling. See before chapter 1 for details.
Thank yous:
Arwen, thank you again for correcting my mistakes
and suggesting some changes that make the story better.
Akari, grazie for telling me what you think
and always being so supportive.
Nicky, merci for buying the "magical books that started it all",
and for being the perfect sister every girl would like to have.
And, of course, many thanks to you,
the people who read the other chapters and are about to read this one.
You'll find in my bio a link to my Live Journal, where I answered your reviews.
Author notes:
A friend of mine told me I should clarify a little thing:
in spite of the fact that her name is very close to my pen name,
Cybela Adams is not supposed to be me.
I just thought that Cybela would make a very good name for a witch.
This fanfiction is dedicated to Akari (also known as Florian),
for the reasons mentioned before chapter 1.
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Chapter 5 - Date in Hogsmeade
Lily felt more and more nervous as Halloween was drawing nearer. She tried to concentrate on her school work and her Head Girl duties to avoid thinking she had been stupid enough to accept a date with James Potter, but the last days were extremely hard. She just wasn't in the mood for standing Joanne's teasing about the sudden kindness she had shown to her "enemy", and it ended with a quarrel when she found out that Linda knew about the date.
Of course, all of the school would know sooner or later, since lots of people would inevitably see them at the Three Broomsticks, and yes, Joanne had the right to talk to her sister - plus, she hadn't even given any detail. But still...
Lily had claimed so many times she would never understand how a sensible girl could let herself be talked into going out with a boy so well known to change his girlfriend at least once a month that she must really look like a fool now. Linda was bound to point that out next time she would see her...
And sure enough she did. Lily simply replied she hadn't time to talk - which was true, since she had to attend a Prefect meeting - but she was so on edge that she yelled at almost every person that crossed her way that evening, including two 6th year Prefects who were arguing over a school rule as she entered the meeting room, then James, who had been watching the scene without bothering intervene.
Later, when he tried to start a conversation as they were walking up to the Gryffindor common room with the Prefects of the House, she told him curtly not to speak to her before Halloween, because it would be enough to spend an entire afternoon with him. She had managed to keep her promise to Remus until then, answering with a smile when James greeted her in the morning and protesting only with a little gesture, looking amused rather than annoyed, when he started staring at her in class again, but this time it was too much. She couldn't help feeling panic-stricken at the thought that everyone would soon be commenting on the Head Girl and Head Boy'snew "friendship"... Surely imagining much more than the truth, to top it all off.
"You're not forced to come, if it's such a chore to you," James said, sounding rather hurt and probably doing his best to hide how much he was.
Guilt made Lily blush a little, but the next second her irritation got the upper hand again as she saw that the 5th year Prefect girl was pricking up her ears to catch their words.
"I promised, so I'll come," she answered in a very low voice. "But please don't ask me more."
Then she quickened her pace to reach the staircase first and climbed the steps as fast as she could until the top of the tower.
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Halloween came too fast. Lily didn't feel prepared at all to face James and, even worse, all those students from 3rd to 7th year that were gathering in the entrance hall, ready for a day in Hogsmeade. It seemed that everybody glanced at her every ten seconds then whispered something to their friends, laughing.
"Don't be stupid! They don't even know!" Sandra reminded her.
Linda knew, though. And she was precisely the person Lily would have most liked to hide that from. Even avoiding speaking to her was no longer possible, since she and Cybela always joined Joanne, Sandra and Lily when they went to Hogsmeade. Joanne had promised she would try to stop her sister from asking embarrassing questions, but Lily doubted it would be enough, and only wish she could go back to the Gryffindor common room to spend the day reading in her favourite armchair next to the fireplace. That would be great...but she couldn't do that, and why? Just because James Potter fancied her for some absurd reason!
"Why can't he just leave me alone?" she moaned, more to herself than to Sandra and Joanne, who were trying to see over the heads of some Hufflepuff boys whether Linda and Cybela had come out of the Great Hall at last.
Joanne spotted them exactly at that time and started waving to catch their attention, not even noticing Lily had said something, but Sandra had heard and, although she couldn't guess exactly what Lily had been thinking about, she knew perfectly who that "he" had referred to.
"There's hope," she said. "Look!"
Lily followed the direction of Sandra's gaze and froze in surprise.
Chloe Jones! Chloe Jones talking to James and running her fingers through his hair!
"What is he doing with that...girl?"
Lily was too well-mannered to use the word that had first come into her mind, but the others (including Linda and Cybela, who had just arrived) didn't need to hear it to know it began with a "b" and would have scandalized Professor McGonagall even more than the worse piece of cheating that the Slytherin Quidditch team could commit in a match versus Gryffindor.
"Isn't she with Mark Davis?" Cybela asked, frowning.
"She was, but I heard they broke up last week," Joanne answered.
"Maybe she's trying to make him jealous," Sandra ventured.
"But he's not the one who is," Linda said, sounding highly amused.
Lily hadn't taken her eyes off James and Chloe while the others were speaking, but she hadn't missed any of their words and she turned round so suddenly to cast an angry look at Linda that the Ravenclaw girl moved back, and her mocking smile disappeared at once.
"I am not jealous and have no reason to be! Is that clear?"
Linda nodded. She didn't look convinced at all but, as long as she shut up, Lily didn't care.
Joanne started talking very fast, as if she was hoping that her stream of words would cancel from her friends' mind the remark her sister shouldn't have made. She explained - to no one in particular since Sandra, Linda and Cybela all knew already - that Chloe had always envied Lily and her good marks, especially considering she hadn't even to work very hard to get them, that the situation didn't improve when Lily was made a Prefect and that, of course, it couldn't be better now that she was the Head Girl.
"If someone's jealous, she is!" Joanne concluded.
"No doubt," Sandra approved. "In addition, Chloe's a Pureblood and I guess she takes as a personal insult the fact that a Muggle-born has always had more facilities to learn magic than she has."
"That explains why she still likes James Potter, who's also one of the best students in the school," Cybela said. "He is not Muggle-born."
Linda laughed.
"Actually, it certainly wouldn't matter much to her if he was. I mean, you can forgive anything to such a good-looking boy, can't you?"
Lily thought it was better for her not to comment on that. As they were moving forward in the line of the students waiting to have their names marked off on Filch's list, then walking through the park, she listened rather absent-mindly to the others, who were discussing the argument of forgiving anything to a good-looking boy and, also, who was the most good-looking boy in Hogwarts. She already knew her friends' opinion about that, anyway. And she didn't want them to ask for hers.
Fortunately, the Stonewall sisters were busy insisting for Sandra to tell them who she would like to date if she hadn't that Muggle boyfriend she had met two summer holidays before, and Cybela simply walked in silence, apparently not very anxious on joining the conversation either. She did say "I like Remus better. Sirius and James are too self-assured; it makes me uncomfortable," but nothing more.
Lily was entirely in agreement with her about that, of course - except that Potter and Black got on her nerves instead of making her uncomfortable. Yes, definitely, Lupin was the best of the little gang. As far as she could tell, Pettigrew was rather nice too, but his exaggerated admiration towards Potter made her feel like shaking him, shouting "Hey, live for you! Stop dreaming to be him!". So, Remus... Why didn't she like him more? Not that she disliked him, of course. Not at all. She did like him, really. But not like Cybela seemed to do. And she couldn't understand why, since he was so nice.
She sighed, convinced to be the more complicated girl in the world.
It had been the same with Phoebus Garland. She liked him very much, but it wasn't love. Her mind was telling her he was exactly what she needed, but her heart refused to listen to it. Something was missing, and she didn't know what. He just wasn't the right person. But who would be, then?
James.
She couldn't stop the name from coming into her mind, and shaking her head while thinking "Ridiculous" didn't change anything. So she told herself it might be just because she knew he thought he was - or that she was the right person for him, but it came down to the same thing.
How could he be so sure? Or wasn't he? He had written "probably love you"... But would he have sent that letter if he had had any doubt?
He loves me.
She still couldn't get used to that. And what she had just seen didn't help.
What was he doing with Chloe Jones?
From a strictly logical point of view, Lily should have been happy - after all, if James had understood at last there was no chance for his feelings to be returned someday, she really had nothing to complain about - and yet...
Actually, she was furious. She felt like hitting both him and Chloe, and she hadn't done it only because it would have looked like a fit a jealousy - not mentioning the trouble it would have put her in.
And no, it wouldn't have been a fit of jealousy. Not at all.
She felt humiliated, not jealous.
Or just a little, then. Because being loved is flattering, even when you don't love the person back. Nothing more.
"Oh, look at this!"
Suddenly dragged out of her thoughts, Lily had no idea of what the others had been saying in the past few minutes. She didn't even remember having walked through the school gates or taken the road to Hogsmeade. But the village was now in sight, and everybody was already admiring the Halloween decorations of the nearest houses and shops. There were no pumpkins as big as the ones they had in Hogwarts, but it was still very impressive.
Lily forgot her problems for a good hour while she watched the windows with her friends and bought some sweets at Honeydukes. But then they decided to go to Zonko's ("Better keeping ourselves up-to-date on their new tricks, so we'll know what to beware of!" Sandra declared joyfully) and they came right across the Marauders who were going out, each of them carrying a big bag of shopping, just as Joanne was moving her hand forward to open the entrance door.
Sirius Black was first, and he fixed on Lily a look that seemed to hesitate between amusement and distrust.
"Couldn't wait to see James, Evans? We can leave him to you now, if you promise to treat him right."
"Hey! I'm not a domestic animal; you can't give me for somebody to look after!" James protested, jostling his friend to go ahead of him.
The others seemed to find the line highly comical, and Lily wondered why. It was rather funny, of course, but not enough to justify those connivance looks, Remus's wide grin and Peter's squeaking laughter. Another mystery? Or simply one of those things that only your best friends can get, because nobody else knows what they remind you. There must be a special meaning for them in "domestic animal", just like in "falling off a broom" for her own friends. She would ask James later. Or not. It was not really her business, after all.
"Don't mind them," James advised her. "They're just a bunch of idiots."
"But aren't you part of the bunch?" Lily asked playfully.
Everybody laughed, this time, and Sirius's barking laugh echoed louder than anyone else's.
"She got you, Prongs!" he exclaimed. "Are you sure you don't want us to stay? We could count the points!"
Lily's curiosity awoke again at the hearing of the nickname. She really had to ask about that. James and his gang had been using those funny names for at least three years, and she had never been able to guess where they came from. She would have asked Remus if he hadn't been so obviously reticent in answering questions...
Joanne had declared she would love to stay ("forgetting" to specify that it would be less to help counting the points than to seat next to Sirius) and Linda was nodding vigorously (Lily couldn't tell whether it was because she wanted to ruin the date, give Cybela a chance to be with Remus or simply join the counting), but James intended to have Lily for himself and he made it very clear:
"No way! You all keep away from us! We have to talk - privately! If I see one of you spying, he'll regret it."
"Be careful, Padfoot," Peter told Sirius with another squeak of laughter. "Remember the curling potion!"
Sirius cast a dark look at him then at Remus, who had tried to keep a straight face but didn't manage to do for more than two seconds.
"It's not funny! I looked like a poodle!"
"That's precisely what's funny," James said, laughing too. "And you deserved it, anyway; you had stolen my badge! But 'improving' your shampoo was nothing. You know I can do better, even without your help."
"Bet you can't," Sirius replied, ready to challenge him.
James was about to speak again, but Remus intervened to remind him he was supposed to go and talk with Lily, not to start a fratricidal war of pranks with Sirius.
"OK, I'll negotiate for the peace treaty first, then! One war at a time."
Lily smiled involuntarily. A peace treaty, honestly! Was he really unable to take anything seriously? But she liked that better. At least she wouldn't feel forced to be serious either.
James took a look at his watch and added:
"She only promised me an afternoon, though, and it's not noon yet."
"Oh, it doesn't matter," Lily said at all the others' surprise. "We can go now if there's nothing else you want to do first."
James smiled at her, looking so happy that Lily felt quite uncomfortable. His eyes told clearly he couldn't wait to be alone with her... What would she do if he gave up his usual joking tone to tell her the kind of things he had written in the letter?
It was too late to change her mind, now. James was already handing Peter his shopping bag, calling him "Wormtail" and recommending him not to let anyone, "especially Snivellus", see what they had bought. Then, calling Remus "Moony", he asked him to keep "that silly dog" (glance at Sirius) on leash, so he wouldn't have to search for a spell that would transform "Padfoot" into a real poodle.
Everybody laughed again - except, of course, the "silly dog", although he hadn't lost his sense of humour since he told James to beware, saying that small dogs have particularly sharp teeth. He surely thought the argument would be a good deterrent, but in reality James's confidence didn't fall at all.
"Thanks for pointing that out," he said very calmly. "I'll make sure to find a muzzling charm as well."
Then he turned back to Lily:
"Shall we go?"
She nodded silently and followed him on the way to the Three Broomsticks, wondering why she had enjoyed watching the little battle so much. Normally, she would have judged James's attitude as horribly haughty, but now she hardly cared, probably because she finally was able to see the difference between real arrogance and fake, just for fun. Which didn't mean that his was always fake, of course!
James didn't speak at all until they reached the Three Broomsticks. He suddenly looked much less assured, as if he was dreading saying something that would ruin Lily's good mood and will to have a civilized conversation.
He opened the door and drew aside to let her in first, but she stopped, hesitating, on the doorstep.
"Anything wrong?" James asked.
She shook her head and said no, but he didn't believe her.
"Would you prefer to go to a quieter place?"
He could really be kind, she had to admit it. And, once again, the way he looked at her was terribly disturbing - even more than the other times, actually, but it might be only because she was already ill at ease.
"Where?"
Madam Puddiffot's? It would be worse, and he should know it.
"Hogwarts," he answered simply. "Nearly everyone's here, so they won't see us together and your honour will be safe."
"Except to the 1st and 2nd years," she replied, trying to hide her embarrassment but doubting it could work, since her face had probably become as red as her hair.
He guessed too well what she was thinking - and worse, he didn't even pretend not to know.
"And to those who chose to stay, yes," he added. "But if what you want is to be certain nobody will find us, I know a room that will do nicely."
"Really?"
Just the two of them in an empty room... Lily knew it would be the kind of things her mother wouldn't approve. But her mother was a Muggle, and Lily was a Witch, perfectly able to use her wand to defend herself if she needed to.
"Don't think too long," James advised. "We would have a chance to go unnoticed if we sat down at a corner table, but here in the doorway..."
He was right, and Lily felt very stupid now, realising she had been standing there for a minute or two, exposed to curious gazes just like she had wanted to avoid.
"OK, let's go!", she said abruptly.
She was back to the street before James could answer, and he had to call her back to tell her how to find their new meeting place.
"7th floor, opposite the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy - you know, the one with the trolls? I'll be there when you arrive."
"How…" Lily began.
But she could guess the answer.
"Another secret passageway?"
"What gave you that impression?" James replied with an amused smile.
She smiled back before walking away.
"It must be what they call feminine intuition..."
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Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it!
And happy holiday if you celebrate something else.
Oh, and I've just changed the part of chapter 2 that annoyed me,
so you can go and read the new version if you wish (it's in the first scene,
when Lily asks for a proof that James is really the new Head Boy).