Sorry if Goku or Sanzo's OOC, but this is my first Saiyuki fic!
Disclaimer: Characters not mine. I own nothing but my DVDs. If I owned them, then this pairing would be very evident in the series. I also don't own the song. I don't own and am making no money off of this- so don't sue.
Scared I'm scared...
Sanzo sat at the window of the hotel, looking out over the town. They had been traveling for a few months now, and a feeling he had had for three years ha gotten worse- deeper, like it was more and more a part of him.
'It's because of the damn monkey.' Sanzo had traced the feelings to Goku, but he didn't know what the feelings were.
Actually, he knew, he just didn't want to know, and he didn't admit it to himself.
I was taught Never show your feelings That's why it's so hard For me to talk to you
The door opened.
"Hi Sanzo! I'm hungry- can we go get dinner?" Goku asked, happily bouncing up to the monk. Sanzo looked at him, no emotion on his face. Had he let his mask down- even if only for an instant- Goku could see something that Sanzo himself refused to acknowledge.
"We just ate a half-hour ago, stupid monkey." Sanzo said, taking a cigarette out of its pack and lighting up. He took a long drag on it and turned back to the window. Goku didn't get the hint and kept talking and annoying Sanzo.
'Of course- that damn saru is just annoying. I hate the way he'll come up to talk to me. I hate it when he talks to me.' Sanzo attempted to convince himself. He failed miserably.
"Please Sanzo! Just one order of meat buns? I'm so hungry." Goku looked at Sanzo with wide, puppy-dog eyes. Eyes that Sanzo saw often in his dreams.
He hated to refuse those eyes anything. With a long-suffering sigh, Sanzo brought out the infamous Gold Card. He handed it to the monkey.
"Take this to Hakkai and get out of my sight." Sanzo said, turning away from Goku again.
He almost missed the sad look in those golden eyes. Almost, but not quite.
"Ne, Sanzo-"
"What, bakasaru?" Sanzo snapped, turning to look at the monkey again.
"Ah... nothing." Goku said. "Meat buns! Yay!" With forced cheerfulness, he ran out of the room, presumably to Hakkai.
Sanzo's violet eyes softened at the saru's retreating back.
'Why the hell do I feel bad about yelling at him?' Sanzo again tried to contemplate the reasons why he felt the way he did about Goku. He tried to find a way to convince himself that what he felt was nothing more than annoyance or comradely concern.
I know, you're having a hard time dealing Not sure what to say Or what to do
Goku sighed as he exited Sanzo's room. He wasn't honestly hungry- he just wanted Sanzo to spend some time with him.
'Why does he never spend any time with me? Am I really just an annoyance? A servent? Does he.." Goku squeezed his eyes shut, but it didn't prevent the thought from finishing itself.
'...hate me?' Goku walked slowly to his own room, eyes on the floor, and thought about Sanzo. Goku had no doubts about what he felt for Sanzo. Sanzo was the only person he could recall having these feelings for, though he vaguely recognized this feeling- he must have loved someone before Sanzo. Maybe his first love had hair the color of the sun and eyes like amethysts too? Everything about Sanzo called to him- as though they were meant to be.
Goku opened his door and collapsed on his bed.
'After a nap I'll go talk to Sanzo. I have to find out what's wrong with him. I want to find out how he feels.'
Sanzo had long since finished his cigarette and had started on another.
'Goku can never just come out and say why he did something, can he?' Sanzo thought irritably. He took a long drag on his cigarette and then smashed it into an ashtray. 'Why can't that bakasaru just say what he needs to?' Sanzo managed to do a pretty decent job of pretending that his irritation had everything to do with Goku and Goku being annoying and nothing to do with himself for causing the hurt he had seen in Goku's eyes.
When you reach for me You're grasping at air You tell me that you love me I'm not really there
Hours later, a small head of brown hair once more poked inside Sanzo's room. He put the unused Gold Card on the small table in the center of the room.
"Sanzo?" Goku whispered, seeing the man still sitting by the window.
"What is it now, monkey?" Sanzo asked harshly, not turning to look.
"Are you feeling okay? I mean, it's not raining or anything and you're acting like you do on rainy days. Is it something I did?" Goku asked cautiously.
"It's none of your business, so leave me the hell alone!" Sanzo snapped. Goku flinched from the bite in his keeper's voice, but he stayed where he was.
"Why the hell are you acting scared!" Goku demanded. He didn't notice that Sanzo had frozen in shock and plunged right ahead. "You always seem to be scared of something when it's raining, but Hakkai told me that you just didn't want to remember what happened to you! It's not raining now, and you're acting scared of something! What is it? I really want to know..." Goku had started off loud, but his voice had faded to an almost whisper by the end.
A heavy silence fell upon the room, broken a minute later by a loud, unmistakable click.
Goku looked up, shocked, to find that Sanzo's infamous Smith & Wesson was pointing at him.
"Sa-Sanzo?" he asked, eyes wide in fear.
"Get out." Sanzo said through gritted teeth. "Get away from me, you stupid monkey. Or do you actually want to die?"
"Why the hell are you acting like this! Sanzo!" Goku said, golden eyes brimming with tears looking up to stare into cold violet irises.
"I said it was none of your damn business." Sanzo said coldly, putting the smallest amount of pressure on the trigger. "Now get out, or I really will shoot this time."
Goku could see that Sanzo was serious. As much as Sanzo would regret it later, Sanzo would shoot him if he didn't leave.
Goku turned away from the monk slowly, not wanting to leave.
"Well, sorry Sanzo. Sorry for being concerned. Sorry for trying to help. Hell, I'm even sorry about loving you. I'm just a bakasaru after all, ne?" These last words spoken were spoken in a hushed tone, as though the speaker was trying to hold back tears. With that, Goku left, half expecting a bullet in his back.
I'm scared of falling in love There I said it I'm scared of falling in love I might regret it
The pistol dropped from Sanzo's numb fingers.
'What did he just say?' Sanzo thought, feeling numb all over. Goku's last words to him rang in his mind over and over again.
' "...hell I'm even sorry about loving you..." He can't love me! Does he even know what love is?' Sanzo agrued with himself. He shoved the emotions he had felt at Goku's words down- emotions that felt strangely like hope, shock, and that unidentifiable emotion he had felt since he had met the monkey.
'Who am I to talk?' Sanzo thought. The emotion he had thought was unidentifiable was slowly becoming clear to him. It wasn't just one emotion, though- it was a mix. Devotion and caring, as well as joy and longing.
It was love.
But, there was also fear.
'No fucking way.' Sanzo thought. 'How the hell did the bakasaru pick up on that before I did!' Sanzo looked at his hands, staring as if he could see the future in them.
"I'm scared of falling in love?" he whispered out loud. 'How the hell did I become afraid of something so stupid!' Unbidden, images of his master, Koumyou Sanzo (A/N: How do you spell his name?) flashed before his mind. The one man he had loved like a father had been ripped from him when he was young.
How could he be sure that Goku wouldn't meet the same fate?
How could Sanzo be sure that he himself would die before Goku and leave the monkey all alone?
I'm scared of falling in love But if I do I pray to God it's with you
Sanzo slumped back onto the windowsill, leaning against the wall. How had he not realized?
'Because I'm a cold-hearted bastard who doesn't need love.' Sanzo thought, answering his own question. 'Goku could leave forever and I wouldn't give a damn. I don't care. I don't!' Realizing that he was losing his arguement with himself. He admitted one thing- one thing only.
'If I ever do fall in love, then I want it to be with that bakasaru.' He refused to replace the 'If I ever do' with 'If I ever admit to'.
Suddenly, loud crashes could be heard from outside the window. Sanzo jerked his head up as the door opened.
"We're under attack." Hakkai said, walking in rather calmly. "I came to get you and Goku."
"The monkey won't be joining us." Sanzo said, standing and grabbing his Smith & Wesson off the floor and his Gold Card from the table. "Let's go."
You gave your heart But I pushed it right away No words will come Despite how hard I try
The battle wasn't going to be over quickly. There were hundreds of demons, all gathering around Hakkai, Gojyo, and Sanzo. Goku was nowhere to be found.
"Damnit! Is there an endless stream of these guys?" Gojyo said, cutting down several demons at once.
"No, not likely." Hakkai said, blasting another three demons with his chi.
"Shut up and get rid of them." Sanzo said, carelessly shooting four demons in the chest and two in the head. He quickly reloaded his gun and shot another six demons who assumed he'd take a minute or two to reload.
As the battle waged on, Hakkai, Sanzo, and Gojyo drifted farther and farther away from each other until there were at least twenty demons between them and a teammate. Hakkai was now mostly relying on martial arts for offensive and used his sheild whenever he saw a hit coming he wouldn't be able to take. Gojyo was having no problems, slicing through anything that got too close.
Sanzo was fighting back, but he had a finite number of bullets, and he couldn't defend himself well while reloading. Then, the inevitable happened.
While Sanzo was reloading, a demon kicked his arm and sent his gun flying. Before Sanzo had time to react, a demon had his arms pinned behind him and he was held still by a grip tighter than a vise.
"Heh he he he... what now, Priest Sanzo?" A rather large, gray demon said, holding up a wicked looking knife. "Can't shoot us with your little pistol, now can you? Can't hurt us!" It leaned really close and glared gleefully into Sanzo's eyes. "But we can hurt you, priest! We're going to bleed you to death, unless the poison gets you first. We're going to skin you, mince you, and eat you!"
"Thanks for the description, asshole." Sanzo said, spitting on the demon's face and feeling a sinking feeling in his stomach but not showing it. He was helpless at the moment- if only the demon holding him would grip a little less tightly...
"Bastard!" the demon roared, wiping his face and bringing the blade up. "Die!" Sanzo shut his eyes tightly as he heard the blade slice through the air.
"Sanzo!" he heard a familiar voice shout, then something hot and sticky hit him and stained his clothes.
Sanzo opened his eyes, not wanting to believe what his senses were telling him.
"Go... ku?" he said, shocked. The saru was standing in front of him protectively, his staff brought up in an obvious but futile attempt to block. The sword had cut deep into Goku's shoulder, and it was obvious that the monkey was no longer working at one hundred percent.
"I... won't let you do ANYTHING... to Sanzo." Goku said between gasps, emphasizing 'anything'. With a strangled cry, he leapt at the still-shocked demons and managed to kill three before the rest caught on.
Sanzo watched the fight with wide eyes. Goku was winning, but it seemed to be at a steep price. The saru was getting slower and sloppier.
'The demon said something about 'poison'... shit!' Sanzo tried to go to Goku, to stop the idiot from fighting and spreading the poison, but the demon holding him wasn't letting him go.
"That's it." the demon hissed in his ear. "I'm going to kill you right in front of that brat, and then I'll kill him. Say your prayers, monk!" The demon began squeezing Sanzo tightly, trying to crush his lungs. Sanzo gasped weakly, unable to breathe.
"Sanzo!" he heard Gojyo yell, then suddenly the youkai holding him up was gone. Sanzo fell forward, catching himself on his hands. He gratefully gulped in air.
"Are you all right?" Hakkai asked.
"Stop... Goku..." Sanzo said, in-between pants.
"What?" Gojyo asked. He looked over the battlefield. Most of the enemy was dead, and the last few were being polished off by Goku. "He seems to be doing alright."
"He was struck with a damned poisoned sword! Stop him from spreading it through his body, idiots!" Sanzo snapped. Hakkai's eyes widened at the mention of poison.
"That is serious." he said. He turned and yelled over the field as Goku finished off the last of the demons. "Goku! Lay down and don't move. You've been poisoned, so I'd advise you not to move much." Goku squinted across the field, eyes blurry.
"Ha... kkai? That you?" he asked sluggishly. "Sanzo OK?"
"I'm fine you damn brat!" Sanzo barked, standing up shakily.
"That's..." Goku fell to his knees, exhausted as the posion took over his system."...good."
I never gave us a chance Yet I begged for you to stay
"Goku!" Hakkai yelled, running towards the fallen boy.
"Monkey!" Gojyo yelled synchronously, running as well. Hakkai knelt down next to Goku as Gojyo stood and looked on, obviously worried. Sanzo just stood, frozen, as Hakkai checked Goku's vitals.
"Doesn't look like the poison is that bad- he just spread it that much faster when he was fighting. If we had Hakuryu with us, we could get the first aid kit he has when he transforms into Jeep- there is an antidote in there. It's a pretty common poison."
"Hakuryu's all the way back at the hotel." Gojyo said. "He needs an antidote now." Something small and plastic was shoved under his nose then.
"Go get him one then. And don't just get him some shit cure because you couldn't find anything decent." Sanzo said, shoving the Gold Card at Gojyo.
"Sanzo...?" Hakkai asked, shocked. Gojyo seemed too surprised to say anything.
"What the hell are you still here for? Go." Gojyo grabbed the card and walked off quickly, itching to run to the nearest apothacary and demand an antidote.
Sanzo watched him go, glaring at Gojyo's back as if that would make him go faster.
"Sanzo? Why so concerned? That isn't like you." Hakkai said, still carefully monitering the boy's vitals.
"Why the hell isn't it like me?" Sanzo snapped.
"Well, normally you wouldn't care. You would go get Hakuryu and tell us to use that antidote. What changed?" Hakkai asked.
"Nothing has changed." Sanzo said. "It'd just be easier to get an anitdote fresh from the store than to wake up that lazy dragon."
With no good reason No reason why
"Yeah, okay Sanzo, sure." Hakkai said, but it was obvious the polite man didn't believe him in the slightest.
'I usually think faster than that.' Sanzo thought. He had no clue what had come over him and forced him to practically shove Gojyo to get better medicine for Goku. He had felt a strong desire to protect Goku, to quickly eliminate the threat to him. If he bothered to, he could have traced the feelings back to the love he had for Goku, but he wouldn't. He still didn't want to admit he had fallen for someone. He didn't want to be hurt again.
My bags are too heavy They're weighing me down I can't see the beauty Of the treasure I've found
"Oi, monk." Gojyo said, flipping the Gold Card back at Sanzo. "Found an antidote. Here, hurry up and give it to Goku already." He shoved the small bag he held at Hakkai, who took it and grabbed the package inside.
"Seems simple enough- a shot, and it's already in the syringe. It gets the antidote into the bloodstream quickest." Hakkai explained while rolling back Goku's sleeve and carefully lining the point of the needle up with a vein in Goku's arm. He quickly plunged the needle in and shot the medicine into Goku's blood. He withdrew the needle and put the syringe into the bag.
"Now all he needs is rest, and plenty of it. He won't get better by running around. Gojyo, could you carry him?" Gojyo nodded.
"Stupid brat, getting himself poisoned and making us wait around here until he gets better." Gojyo grumbled, but you could tell he wasn't actually mad if you knew him.
"Let's go." Sanzo grumbled as he began walking. Hakkai and Gojyo followed.
I'm scared of falling in love There I said it I'm scared of falling in love I might regret it
It wasn't long before they reached the hotel. Sanzo directed Hakkai and Gojyo to lay Goku in his bed. When they asked if it was his room, he told them he wasn't going to be paying for four rooms if he only had to pay for three- like Goku actually cared where he slept. Thankfully, they didn't question him. They let him be and went to their respective rooms, Hakkai promising to return early in the morning to check on Goku.
Once he was alone with Goku, Sanzo picked up his pack of cigarettes and lit one, sitting down in a handy chair provided for him in the room. he sat on the chair and watched the bed, half-hoping that Goku would sit up and shout that he was hungry.
'Damn, what am I thinking! Of course I don't want that bakasaru to wake up now. I should get to sleep.' Sanzo thought, but the thought of sleeping on the chair made him wince- he'd ended up with a bad backache the last time he tried. He was certainly not going to sleep on the floor, and he felt strangely nervous about climbing into the bed with Goku. Making Goku sleep on the floor never crossed his mind.
"Dumb monkey, stealing my bed." Sanzo grumbled to himself, taking a long drag on his cigarette and slowly blowing the smoke out.
"Why did you go and do something as stupid as get yourself poisoned? I could have dodged it if you hadn't jumped in, idiot." Sanzo said. He convinced himself he wasn't worried about Goku and hadn't been scared that Goku would die. He did a fairly decent job, as he had been denying almost everything since he had met Goku.
"Now you have an excuse to lay about in bed all day and delay us further. Useless bastard." Sanzo grumbled, taking another long drag on his cigarette. Sanzo didn't know why, but he felt a bit more bold than he usually did- Goku was asleep and Hakkai said that Goku would sleep until his body had gotten rid of the poison, and that shouldn't be for a few hours yet. Of course, Hakkai neglected to mention that it could be a bit faster with Goku as Goku wasn't exactly human or demon. He was of the earth, and that could cause the antidote to move quicker or slower.
Goku was just about as asleep as you could get, and Hakkai and Gojyo weren't here to hear him.
Sanzo's eyes took on a soft look as he stared at Goku. The boy looked so peaceful as he lay there, almost quiet except for soft snores at 1/10 of their usual volume. Before he knew what he was doing, Sanzo was kneeling by the bed and he stroked Goku's hair back with the hand currently unoccupied with his cigarette.
"Why am I afraid?" Sanzo questioned out loud. "I shouldn't be afraid of some stupid saru." Sanzo continued stroking Goku's hair, marveling inwardly at how soft it was. It seemed to move like liquid through his fingers.
"I'm not scared of a dumb monkey. I'm scared of what he means to me." Sanzo realized, thinking out loud and almost forgetting where he was. "He's annoying, and he can never get enough to eat. I spend most the the stupid money on his fucking food. He's always trying to talk to me. I hate that." Sanzo wasn't very convincing, for in his heart he knew he wanted the saru to talk to him. He wanted to...
"Dangerous ground there, idiot." Sanzo told himself. He looked at Goku's face again.
"This is stupid." he said and stood, glaring at his cigarette in disgust. It was almost gone. He sighed and stuffed the butt into an ashtray, then glanced back at the bed.
"So what if I'm scared? It's not like you'd still love me after I practically killed you. Hell, I've never seen a worse rejection. You probably hate me now, don't you?" Realizing the futility in talking to an unconscious person, Sanzo growled and grabbed his Smith & Wesson. He sat on the windowsill and took out a small cloth he used to polish his gun. He carefully went over every detail of the gun, but his eyes and mind strayed back to the figure on his bed.
"So I don't hate him. That doesn't prove anything. It doesn't mean I love him or some stupid shit like that." Goku moved a little in his sleep, nuzzling his face into the pillow. Sanzo froze at the simple act. It seemed so sweet, so innocent... so utterly Goku.
"Maybe it does." Sanzo muttered, setting his gun down in his lap.
"-Sanzo..." Goku murmured in the beck of his throat. Sanzo jerked his head to Goku, but it seemed the saru was still asleep.
I'm scared of falling in love But if I do I pray to God it's with you
Sanzo stood up and put his gun on the small table in the room before kneeling next to the bed again.
"Maybe it does..." he said again, just looking at Goku. He felt something akin to contentment- he might even go so far as to call it happiness. Some of Goku's hair fell across his face, and before Sanzo knew what he was doing, he had moved the hair back to behind Goku's ear, stroking Goku's cheek as he did so.
It felt soft, but rough at the same time. They had been out in the sun, and all had been sunburned many times- skin hardened after that.
"Soft..." Sanzo said before he could help himself. He carefully touched his entire palm to the side of Goku's face, accidently brushing Goku's mouth as he put his entire palm down. His eyes carefully memorized Goku's sleeping face, coming to rest on Goku's lips. He leaned closer almost unconsciously and moved his hand to gently touch Goku's lips. He ran a finger over them before leaning in even closer. He was so caught up in what he was doing and feeling at the moment, he didn't see that his charge was beginning to stir.
And now I'm standing on the edge If I don't jump I'll never fly Baby if I fall
Goku felt the slightly fuzzy, confused feeling you get when you first wake up in the morning. His eyes slowly opened, and it took him a minute to realize what was happening.
Sanzo was staring at him with a strange emotion in his eyes. It looked like a soft, gentle, warm emotion. He- Sanzo- had one hand to Goku's cheek, and was barely two inches from Goku's face.
"Sanzo?" Goku asked quietly, letting the man know he was awake.
Sanzo seemed to snap back to the cold, unfeeling monk they all knew.
"What is it, monkey?" Sanzo asked roughly, pulling back like he had been burned. "And what the hell are you doing awake? Hakkai said that you were supposed to be asleep until the poison cleared your system, which shouldn't be for a few hours."
Goku shrugged and carefully sat up, struggling a little.
"I don't know why I'm awake. Maybe the poison's already gone? I feel fine..." An awkward silence fell between them, and Sanzo was quiet content to let it sit there for the rest of the night. Goku wasn't quite so ready to ignore the questions he had for Sanzo, though.
"Why did... why did it look like..." Goku seemed unsure of how to phrase his question, or unsure if he should ask it or not.
"What, monkey?" Sanzo bit out, glaring at Goku.
"... you were about to kiss me?" Goku asked, looking at the bedsheets. Sanzo froze for the second time that day.
Will you stay or say Goodbye?
"Who says I was?" Sanzo asked, his glare falling back into place. "That posion affected what little mind you have, baka!" Goku's shoulders slumped minimally, but Sanzo noticed.
"Oh, well, I was just wondering, I mean... I just thought..." Goku said, trying to begin several different sentences, but he sighed and laid back down. "Goodnight Sanzo."
"What the hell has you so depressed, saru?" Sanzo demanded, grabbing the boy by the arm and forcefully turning him around. Goku avoided his eyes.
"I'm not depressed, Sanzo. Just tired. Let me sleep." The words were said without much conviction, so Sanzo had an easy time of disbelieving them.
"Tell me the real reason, saru. I'm so fucking tired of being yanked around." Sanzo said, tightening his grip on Goku.
"Well, after what I said earlier... I was kinda hoping... nevermind." Goku said, trying to pull away from Sanzo. "Like you care anyway." he muttered.
"What the hell do you mean?" Sanzo demanded, reaching for Goku again. Goku pulled away from Sanzo too quickly to be grabbed.
"I think you know damn well what I mean. It doesn't matter to a cold-hearted bastard like you, anyway! You hate me, right? Why the hell should I explain myself to you?" Goku burst out, practically yelling in Sanzo's face. "You don't give a damn that I love you, so why should I give a damn that you hate me!"
"This is the second time you admitted to loving me, baka. Don't throw around that word so casually." Sanzo said, glaring back at the monkey. He had long since rationalized Goku's 'love' for him as familil love- Goku probably saw him as a father. Of course. It had to be. "I don't care if you think that I hate you. Family doesn't have very strong bonds anyway." Sanzo turned to leave until the monkey fell back asleep, but Goku shouted something before Sanzo could leave.
"Damnit! You're not my father, Sanzo! You're not my uncle, or my keeper, or my master. I love you, but it's not like what I'd feel for a dad or a keeper. You're not just the hand that feeds me- you're my sun!"
Sanzo stopped dead in his tracks, shock etched on all his features.
I'm scared of falling in love
Yeah baby
I'm scared
Can you see it in my eyes?
I'm scared of falling in love
But if I do
I pray to God it's with you
'He loves me like that? I am not a father to him?' Sanzo thought. He slowly turned around to look at Goku. Goku was carefully looking into Sanzo's eyes, perhaps seeing the fear there.
"What are you so afraid of?" Goku demanded. "Are you that afraid to love someone after your master died? After the man who was like a father to you died, you can't love someone who has wanted you for as long as he has known you? I should have known..." Goku sighed.
"I'm not afraid of anything." Sanzo said coldly, walking back to the bed.
"Then why do I see your terror? Do you not want to feel that much? You're afraid of what I could be to you?" Goku asked tensely. "You- the great Genjo Sanzo- is afraid to fall in love?"
I don't know if I'm ever going to fall in love But if I do I pray to God it's with you Yeah yeah yeah I pray to God it's with you
"I'm not afraid to fall in love!" Sanzo snapped. "It's the one that lov-" He cut himself off, seeing the hurt look in Goku's eyes.
"So, you'd be fine if someone else- like Gojyo or something- liked you instead? Anyone but the bottomless pit of a bakasaru. I get it, okay? I get it!" Goku yanked the covers over himself more, as if trying to escape Sanzo.
"Look, it's not that." Sanzo said, sighing and sitting on the edge of the bed. "I would definately refuse anyone who tried. It ain't just you, bakasaru. If I ever admi- fall in love, it would be with yo-" Sanzo cut himself off again, realizing what he was saying one syllable too late.
"Me?" Goku asked, shocked. Sanzo didn't look at him, still sitting and not moving as Goku got to his knees and crawled to the monk.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Goku asked, still sounding hurt.
You can't
You're scared?
I'm falling falling falling, baby
I'm falling for you
I'm falling falling falling
Falling
Sanzo didn't answer, just looked to the side of the bed, almost as if he was ashamed.
"You couldn't, could you?" Goku asked softly, understanding.
"I could have done it if I had wanted to." Sanzo ground out tensely. "If I felt like that, but I don't." He sounded as though he was trying to convince himself, and Goku wasn't fooled for a moment.
"Yeah, well, are you sure it's just 'if you felt like that'? You don't love me at all?" Sanzo looked directly into Goku's eyes, and the only reason he was able to lie to those eyes was his pride. His foolish, damnable pride.
"I don't love you." Sanzo said. He saw the hurt but expectence and acceptence in Goku's eyes as he spoke. He also saw tears collecting in those beautiful golden eyes, and he instantly regretted his untrue statement.
"Okay, I guess. If that's the way you feel then I guess I'll just have to leave you alone, ne Sanzo?" Goku said, looking down. "I mean, you told me to my face that you don't love me. It has to be true, right?" Goku looked back up at Sanzo, a large, false smile on his face, as well as tears forming at the corner of his eyes.
"Damn straight." Sanzo said, even as something inside his heart rebelled at the sentence. Goku's false smile faltered.
"Do you want me to leave, Sanzo?" Goku asked, looking worried now. "You don't hate me now that you know, right? Right?" When Sanzo didn't reply, Goku looked down at the covers of the bed.
"I see." Goku said. He shuffled around Sanzo and got off the bed.
"What do you think you're doing, bakasaru?" Sanzo asked. He wanted to reach out and grab the monkey, but he restrained himself.
"I'm leaving. I don't know where yet." Goku said. "You guys will be able to move faster if you don't have me slowing you down. I only came because I wanted to stay with you."
"You've felt like this since we left Chang'An?" Sanzo asked, surprised.
"Since before, but does it honestly matter?" Goku turned to the monk, tears rolling down his cheeks. "If you hate me, then that means I don't have a reason to stay here anymore!"
"You mean that Gojyo and Hakkai could just get killed for all you care?" Sanzo asked, a harsh tone in his voice.
"I know they can take care of themselves. They don't need me- I just... I wanted to protect... I wanted to protect you, Sanzo."
Violet eyes narrowed at the statement.
"I can take care of myself perfectly fine without a dumbass monkey doing it for me."
"I know. I just wanted to make it so you didn't have to protect yourself. I wanted to do it for you. Ever since you pulled me out of the moutain prison-"
"So the only reason I'm the one you love and want to protect is because I pulled you from the moutain? Ch- you probably would love Gojyo or Hakkai if one of them had pulled you out. Even Homura." Goku shook his head violently.
"No! I would respect them, but they're not you. You are the only person that I feel this way for!"
"Even though I hit you with the fan and threaten to kill you every time you're being annoying?" Sanzo asked skeptically.
"It's just the way you are. I decided to be stupid and fall in love with you even though it was pretty obvious you didn't like me."
"Why the hell do you think you're in love with me? How can a brat like you know what love is!" Sanzo demanded, standing up and walking towards Goku. Goku backed up, shocked and a little scared by the intensity in Sanzo's eyes. Goku backed up until he reached the wall and his back was quite firmly against it. Sanzo was keeping him there, one palm pressed firmly against the wall next to Goku's head and the other in a similar position on the other side.
"Well? How the hell do you know?" Sanzo asked quietly, staring into Goku's eyes.
"I... I don't know how to describe it. I just feel so warm when you're near me. It feels... almost like the sun is shining directly on me. It just feels so warm and... I just want to share that feeling. I just want to protect you forever, even if I die trying. I'd give anything for your happiness, even if that means leaving because you hate me." Sanzo sighed in exasperation, closing his eyes as he fought an internal battle- denial versus truth.
"Look, stupid monkey, I don't hate you." Sanzo said, opening his eyes. He saw how a look of pure happiness spread across Goku's face.
"Really? You don't?" Goku's smile faded into a more serious look. "What do you feel for me then?" He looked almost anxious.
'Do I love him? I think I - no, I can't. Do I?' Sanzo studied Goku's innocent, boyish face, so full of love, hope, and anxiety.
'One way to find out.' Sanzo thought, leaning forward and capturing Goku's lips with his own. Goku's eyes widened, but he melted into the kiss, not daring to hug Sanzo or deepen the kiss for fear that Sanzo might push him away.
'If I didn't love Goku, would this feel so right?' Sanzo asked himself, breaking away reluctantly from Goku. Goku looked up at him with hopeful eyes, clearly wanting to kiss him again.
"Sanzo?" Goku asked, hopeful yet uncertain. "Does this mean you like me?"
"No." Sanzo said instantly, but before Goku's face fell, he continued. "It means slightly more than that." He bent in for another kiss, and was rewarded when Goku eargerly surged forward, kissing him chastely on the lips. When they pulled apart, Goku was smiling the biggest smile Sanzo had ever seen on him. Goku moved forward slowly, almost as if asking for permission, and hugged Sanzo's tightly to him.
"I love you Sanzo." he said, voice slightly muffled by the robes Sanzo wore.
"Yeah yeah, whatever." Sanzo said, hugging the saru back, holding him like he was a lifeline. Goku smiled contentedly.
"I guess falling in love ain't so bad." Sanzo mused out loud.
"Mmm." Goku agreed, yawning like a contented cat.
"Time to sleep." Sanzo told Goku, picking Goku up and enjoying the feel of the smaller man curled up in his arms. He carefully laid the boy on the bed and covered him up with the blankets. He went back to his chair and prepared to sleep there.
"Sanzo?" Goku asked quietly.
"What is it, monkey?" Sanzo asked, though not as harshly as usual.
"Do you want to sleep here? I can move over a little- there should be room for both of us... I mean, if you don't mind..." Goku said, a light pink shade coloring his cheeks. Sanzo smiled a little and walked back to the bed and climbed him. He wrapped his arms around Goku and pulled him close. Goku smiled widely again.
"Goodnight Sanzo."
"Goodnight, monkey. Sleep well." Sanzo replied. Goku snuggled in closer to Sanzo and quickly fell asleep.
Sanzo smiled down at Goku's peaceful face.
'Falling in love ain't so bad after all.' he thought, then closed his eyes and fell asleep.
Owari
AN: Sap- and I have no excuse, except I thought the song really screamed 'Sanzo' at me! Really! Ah, well, and I was feeling kinda romantic and all- Valentines is coming up!