Chapter Five - Miscommunication

After two hours of hollow conversation and pretending to enjoy each others' company, Grissom finally left her alone at her apartment, leaving her to dwell in her own thoughts.

After unloading the shopping, Sara felt like the walls were closing in on her, the air too old and the view too depressing. She went into her room, changed into a jogging suit and headed out the door, needing air to clear her thoughts and to refocus on the situation that sat ahead of her.

As she ran she realized that she had left her ipod at home on her dresser, but it didn't seem to matter. With every footfall, and every heartbeat, she felt a little better, as the cobwebs cleared out of her head. She was well into her normal path when she realized that this was the first time she was out alone properly, and just before a swell of panic started in her chest, her confidence and anger at Grissom and herself made the panic slide behind the other emotions. Why the hell did you take Warrick's advice? Why did you listen to a man how to solve this problem? You brought it all on yourself.

Grissom had been a part of her life and thoughts for so long that it was hard to picture moving on without him there in her head or in front of her. It was like a bad cold that she couldn't kick, not that Grissom was all that unpleasant. He did have a lot of traits that balanced him out. Like when you talked, he listened, and not 'listened' in a guy way either, but actually focused on you.

His observation skills of others had improved hugely lately, though being oblivious was at the very core of him and that threw Sara off every time.

It was the little things he did. Like when he gave her a book for Christmas the other year, or the plant he had given her to apologize for being an ass.

Her mind censured her.

What are you doing Sidle? You are not meant to list the things that make him appealing! He brushed you off, not once - but twice. What am I doing? Waiting for number three? Sara gave her head a quick shake, her anger at herself escalating. Why did I think that Grissom would want to be with me, Sara Sidle, who has a really bad history as well as present? I have nothing to offer him aside from a lot of trouble. Time to move on, you can't wish for the impossible, Sidle.

Sara continued to run, the tears and anger rising in her chest fuelling the angry strides that made her ache all over, matching the pain that now resided in her heart.

Grissom was in a state of shock. Definitely not a good thing, due to the fact that Sara had taken it all the wrong way. He didn't get a chance to explain to Sara that his silence wasn't because he didn't want to be with her, but because she had caught him off guard, like she always did.

Work that night had been nothing except a big blur of bodies and files on his desk. And long after everybody else had left, he still sat, a mug of long-forgotten tea in his hand, trying to process what had happened hours before. I shouldn't need to process it. Sara is what I have wanted for so long, and now that I have her I am sitting here thinking about it? Despite the berating he was giving himself, he couldn't make himself call her or stand and go over to her house and talk to her. For the life of him, he didn't know what was going to happen with Sara and himself, and he had no idea how to prepare himself for the aftershock that was bound to come.

A few weeks later, Sara had finally made her way back to work and was biting at the bit to get started. Never would she have thought that the halls would feel so good to walk down, or that she would be greeted as though she had been gone for years not weeks.

"Sara, you're back!"

Greg, Nick, Warrick and Catherine all gave her a hug as soon as she walked into the break room, and as she sat she noticed Grissom sitting quietly in the corner, his eyes on her.

"Welcome back, Sara."

His voice was quiet, even with a touch of sadness, which Sara didn't have the energy to wonder at its presence. She felt a slight tug on her sleeve and was faced with an eager faced Greg.

"Let me guess. You want to see my scar?"

Greg nodded a big grin on his face. With a sigh, Sara lifted her sleeve revealing a puckered pink scar that was an uneven little circle.

"Was there an exit point?"

Sara shook her head as Greg gently fingered the scar, pushing and poking it. Sara pulled away slightly and handed him the small container out of her handbag.

"As requested. The one and only bullet that will ever enter and exit my body."

Greg graced Sara with another grin as he examined his prize, shrugging when the others eyed him confusion on their faces.

"I wanted to start a weird and wacky collection like Grissom. Sara was more then happy to contribute."

She sat herself next to Nick, who put his arm around her, pulling her into his side, and scuffing her hair slightly with the other hand.

"It's so good to have you back. He missed you."

Nick nodded slightly towards Grissom, and look at Sara expectantly, waiting for the familiar face softening that usually followed, when he didn't get the reaction he expected he looked at Sara, concerned.

"It's over Nick. That part of my life is over."

Nick turned his attention back to Grissom as he started listing the assignments, not quite sure how to process the words that had fallen from his friend's lips.

Catherine, Nick and Warrick sat alone in the break room a few hours later, under the pretence of lunch when really they were discussing Grissom and Sara.

"What did Grissom do now? He had her on a golden platter and now she acts like he is nothing to her."

Catherine shrugged at Nick's question as she dug into her sandwich. "He told me nothing. Neither did Sara. Warrick, do you know anything?"

Two sets of eyes fell on Warrick who nodded slightly.

"When I caught up with Sara, she was down. So I told her she needed to tell Grissom how she felt. That was it and then suddenly they are on the outs."

"I did tell him, and the answer was very clear."

Sara stood in the doorway, leaning against the door jam. She moved into the break room and plopped onto a seat across from the other three.

Catherine put down her sandwich, turning her full attention to the younger woman. "What did he say?"

Sara sat back in the seat, arms crossed, face expressionless.

"Nothing. He just stood there. I am not going to waste my time or energy on something that would never happen. Time for everyone to move on."

Sara got up and left, and not wanting them to see the tears that started again, she headed to the locker room, wanting to have a moment to get herself together. She had spent weeks preparing herself to face Grissom again, and she was feeling confident until she saw him sitting there in the corner. He looked like he hadn't slept, his hair was all mussed and his clothes wrinkled. And his voice… It sounded so sad, so hollow. As much as she tried, her feelings for Grissom always popped up, no matter how hard she had tried to swallow them and put it down to another life lesson.

Sara had realized over the past couple of weeks as she analysed her feelings for Grissom that it wasn't just 'like'. It was something else entirely. She had liked Hank a lot but she would never have said she had loved him. She enjoyed being in his company, but when he wasn't there, it was no big deal. But with Grissom she felt his absence, and then he filled her thoughts. With work, even when she wasn't on a case with him, his words were still rolling around in her head.

This is so pathetic. What the hell was I thinking? There is no way that I can get over him when he is sitting there staring me in the face every day when I come to work. It's time to bite the bullet and decide if this job is worth keeping or if it is time to move on.

Sara was so busy thinking that she didn't see Grissom sitting on the bench beside her locker until he had cleared his throat. You hate him remember? Don't let him do this to you again.

"Hi, Grissom. I thought you would be in your office doing paperwork."

Sara kept her voice light, the conversation casual.

"Are you mad with me, Sara?"

Grissom kept his voice low and even, his hands on his thighs. He kept his eyes on Sara as she stood so close to him that he could smell her sweet shampoo. Her face changed rapidly, from guilt, to anger until finally settling on disbelief. She sat heavily next to him shaking her head and mumbling under her breath, speaking so low that Grissom didn't catch anything.

"You are unbelievable," she said, more clearly. "You really are. And just so you know it's not a compliment."

Grissom raised his eyebrows.

"So that's a 'yes' then?"

Sara shook her head at Grissom, her eyebrows shooting into her hairline.

"Are you blind as well as almost deaf? Do you see anything that is happening in front of you?"

Sara was furious, and Grissom watched as her demeanour changed entirely. She had her hands clutched at her sides in tight fists, she was shaking and her breathing was rapid.

"For a man of your intellect, you are quite stupid."

Grissom held up his hands in mock surrender.

"I think I know why you are mad at me, Sara, so just give me a chance to explain, okay?"

When she didn't jump up and stride off, Grissom took that as an invitation to continue.

"I was wrong and I'm sorry. I should have said something, done something."

Sara stayed quiet, her head leaning slightly forward, her face covered by her hair that had fallen forward, making it impossible for Grissom to gauge her reaction.

"I like you too, Sara. You caught me off guard, which you seem to have developed a habit of doing."

Sara raised her head, and Grissom felt his heart tug when he saw the tears that were making a path down her cheeks.

"You left me hanging for four weeks, Grissom. And you know what else I had time to learn? I don't just like you, Grissom. I fell head over heels in love with you, long before any of this came to a head. But I found that you could love and hate someone at the same time, and I hate you Grissom. I hate what you've made me become, I hate you for making me doubt myself and my job, I hate how you have taken over my head and I hate how I keep coming back time after time…"

Before Sara could say anything else, Grissom had leaned forward and kissed her softly on the lips, silencing her anger. Sara pulled back, fury flashing in her brown eyes.

"Who the hell do you think you are? You make me torture myself for weeks at a time and you kiss me? Do you think that that is going to fix it?"

And with that Sara walked out of the locker room, leaving Grissom to question his actions once again.

Song: Miscommunication – Delta Goodrem